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Totally Smitten - Not Sure What to Do

TaxMan

By TaxMan
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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Since they are so smitten with each other - why ruin the moment with exclusivity conversations and formalities of that sort? I guess in the stage of mind they are at exclusivity is just coming from within - i.e. they both can't fanthom talking to other people. At least OP stated he can't but these things come on very intuitive level between partners.

 

Also, some half-as*ed exclusivity conversation doesn't guarantee anything... if the person is not self-motivated to do it.

 

In case you are new to dating you have to know that nowadays you are shooting in both your foot if you do not confirm with your new partner that you are dating exclusively. We have had many visitors here swearing their new partner was exclusive and they had the surprise of their life when they found them still browsing dating sites.

 

So, you may feel like a kid inside but act like an adult man. It doesn't need to be an uncomfortable conversation, just tell her you want to be dating *officially* and listen to what she has to say.

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Since they are so smitten with each other - why ruin the moment with exclusivity conversations and formalities of that sort? I guess in the stage of mind they are at exclusivity is just coming from within - i.e. they both can't fanthom talking to other people. At least OP stated he can't but these things come on very intuitive level between partners.

 

Also, some half-as*ed exclusivity conversation doesn't guarantee anything... if the person is not self-motivated to do it.

 

An exclusivity talk would never ruin the moment if I am into the guy, actually it would be a big relief and I'd call my girlfriends and post about it on my favorite forum. ;)

 

I have been through too many men to just leave exclusivity to faith. You like excel sheets, I like verbal confirmation lol

  • Like 3
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted
An exclusivity talk would never ruin the moment if I am into the guy, actually it would be a big relief and I'd call my girlfriends and post about it on my favorite forum. ;)

 

I have been through too many men to just leave exclusivity to faith. You like excel sheets, I like verbal confirmation lol

 

I guess is a communication style and dating style difference indeed. Usually if I'm meeting someone I almost presume it's exclusive after date 1 (it is exclusive for me after date 1). But then my live-in ex bf was talking about getting engaged *daily* and simultaneously messaged 30+ women on the dating site where we met 1.5 years earlier so... nothing is clear cut :D

Trip2TheSky Member

Trip2TheSky

Posted
Posted
It's always so sweet and so cute to read about a middle aged man falling in love and acting like a teenager :love: I think some studies have shown that men at that age range have more potential of becoming a hopeless romantic :p

 

I love my much older Husband more than I ever could fathom. He is absolutely more like a teenager, but in the best way you can imagine.

 

I love these threads, too and I hope Taxman stays happy.

 

You guys are truly the best and it warms my heart to see so many people helping others. <3

  • Like 3
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
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First let me say I'm very happy for you - this feeling doesn't come along often or for everyone.

 

That said, you are right to be concerned. Despite every woman on this board who is about to disagree with what I am about to say....

 

It is a recipe for DISASTER to have a woman as your sole source of happiness. She fell in love with who you were, not a gushy I only exist for you version. Moreover, as the RL develops, you can become disappointed in her if things aren't going well / she has a bad day because you are relying on her for your happiness.

 

You have to be COMPLETE and HAPPY without her. I know it's hard, but you have to force yourself to have other sources of happiness in your life. You're still in the honeymoon phase and you haven't seen all aspects of her personality.

 

I felt this way about my ex of 7 years. She left me with no apparent reason and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. Ive spent the last year rebuilding myself and concentrating on being whole and happy without a woman. I've had several come and go and I've gotten to the point where it barely phases me (or causes relief in some situations).

 

What's counterintuitive is that women THINK they want one thing when they actually react positively to something else. They are quick to change their mind or feel smothered if you give too much attention where it appears as if you don't have a life without them.

 

Enjoy this time, but be very careful and realize it can only be temporary.

 

I sure hope it works out though.

  • Like 2
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
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Just because you felt that way doesnt Mean she did, obviously not or she wouldnt have left you-(

  • Like 1
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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Just because you felt that way doesnt Mean she did, obviously not or she wouldnt have left you-(

 

Oh she did. Right up until she didn't.

 

That's the point, women can change their minds and often do.

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Posted
First let me say I'm very happy for you - this feeling doesn't come along often or for everyone.

 

That said, you are right to be concerned. Despite every woman on this board who is about to disagree with what I am about to say....

 

It is a recipe for DISASTER to have a woman as your sole source of happiness. She fell in love with who you were, not a gushy I only exist for you version. Moreover, as the RL develops, you can become disappointed in her if things aren't going well / she has a bad day because you are relying on her for your happiness.

 

You have to be COMPLETE and HAPPY without her. I know it's hard, but you have to force yourself to have other sources of happiness in your life. You're still in the honeymoon phase and you haven't seen all aspects of her personality.

 

I felt this way about my ex of 7 years. She left me with no apparent reason and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. Ive spent the last year rebuilding myself and concentrating on being whole and happy without a woman. I've had several come and go and I've gotten to the point where it barely phases me (or causes relief in some situations).

 

What's counterintuitive is that women THINK they want one thing when they actually react positively to something else. They are quick to change their mind or feel smothered if you give too much attention where it appears as if you don't have a life without them.

 

Enjoy this time, but be very careful and realize it can only be temporary.

 

I sure hope it works out though.

 

I am a woman and I agree 100% with you.

  • Like 1
LovelyRose Established Member

LovelyRose

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If you arent exclusive then sleep with other women. You arent boyfriend and gurlfriend right?

 

 

Oh my gosh Fred. No, just no!

I know you're still very bitter. The world is not so rotten like your ex gf.

  • Like 4
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TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

Posted
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It is a recipe for DISASTER to have a woman as your sole source of happiness. She fell in love with who you were, not a gushy I only exist for you version. Moreover, as the RL develops, you can become disappointed in her if things aren't going well / she has a bad day because you are relying on her for your happiness.

 

This is precisely why I am not spending 24/7 with her, calling her constantly, and making sure we maintain our independence. I want to make sure we both lead independent lives that also intersect with each other and support each other. I don't want her to be my sole reason for existence, even though she's amazing and the best person I know.

 

I have been through a divorce and several big breakups, so I know what it is like to have your heart broken. That's partly why I am so concerned this time, because it feels even more intense than those ever did and I do have a fear of losing her because she means so much to me already.

 

As for the exclusivity conversation, I'm not ready for that yet. Also, that's kind of outside the realm of how I usually approach these things at this point, and I feel comfortable with where things are and where they're going right now. That conversation will happen at some point without me forcing the issue. And I'm OK with that.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
This is precisely why I am not spending 24/7 with her, calling her constantly, and making sure we maintain our independence. I want to make sure we both lead independent lives that also intersect with each other and support each other. I don't want her to be my sole reason for existence, even though she's amazing and the best person I know.

 

I have been through a divorce and several big breakups, so I know what it is like to have your heart broken. That's partly why I am so concerned this time, because it feels even more intense than those ever did and I do have a fear of losing her because she means so much to me already.

 

As for the exclusivity conversation, I'm not ready for that yet. Also, that's kind of outside the realm of how I usually approach these things at this point, and I feel comfortable with where things are and where they're going right now. That conversation will happen at some point without me forcing the issue. And I'm OK with that.

 

You know you're infatuated when you think a person you've been dating for 3 months is the best person you know. You actually do not know her. You have only scratched the surface and you saw something sparkling you like, maybe the rest is very ugly. Hold on before you call it the best thing ever.

 

Have you split from a relationship recently? You do sound like a man experiencing a rebound love.

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TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

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You know you're infatuated when you think a person you've been dating for 3 months is the best person you know. You actually do not know her. You have only scratched the surface and you saw something sparkling you like, maybe the rest is very ugly. Hold on before you call it the best thing ever.

 

Have you split from a relationship recently? You do sound like a man experiencing a rebound love.

 

Let me clarify that while we've only been dating for three months, I've known her for several years through mutual friends. So I know plenty more about her than you would generally know about someone you just started dating. I thought she was an amazing person before we started dating officially.

 

And, no, I have dated a few people since my divorce three years ago, but I am not currently in a "rebound" situation.

  • Like 1
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

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Oh she did. Right up until she didn't.

 

That's the point, women can change their minds and often do.

 

not the right woman:love:

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted
Let me clarify that while we've only been dating for three months, I've known her for several years through mutual friends. So I know plenty more about her than you would generally know about someone you just started dating. I thought she was an amazing person before we started dating officially.

 

And, no, I have dated a few people since my divorce three years ago, but I am not currently in a "rebound" situation.

 

That sounds like a great foundation. From what I have seen, the most of the strongest relationships I know are people who started dating after being acquainted or friends of sorts for awhile. I think since you have known each other awhile through a different lens, when the romantic feelings when they start are sooooo much stronger! Like when online dating you're just sort of supposed to get romantic feelings for the person relatively early (that's the whole purpose) That gradual build up of having respect from a person many years from afar makes being with them so much more intense, I think. It's a romantic story as well...No diss to online dating. Great relationships start that way too.

  • Like 1
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TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

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That sounds like a great foundation. From what I have seen, the most of the strongest relationships I know are people who started dating after being acquainted or friends of sorts for awhile. I think since you have known each other awhile through a different lens, when the romantic feelings when they start are sooooo much stronger! Like when online dating you're just sort of supposed to get romantic feelings for the person relatively early (that's the whole purpose) That gradual build up of having respect from a person many years from afar makes being with them so much more intense, I think. It's a romantic story as well...No diss to online dating. Great relationships start that way too.

 

I hope that's true. I am the kind of person who really needs to know someone intimately before I develop feelings, so OL dating rarely does anything for me. That's part of what attracted me to this situation to begin with, TBH. I need a foundation first, I can't just jump into a relationship with someone new quickly. For me, that's a recipe for disaster.

  • Like 1
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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not the right woman:love:

 

She was the right woman for 6.5 years, then she wasn't.

 

 

My point is women OFTEN change. What is meant now is meant in the moment.

 

I don't believe there is any "right" woman. I had looked until I was 37 to find her and finally thought I did. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

 

You never know when someone can up and leave. Act is if they will one day and don't base your happiness on them.

  • Like 1
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
This is precisely why I am not spending 24/7 with her, calling her constantly, and making sure we maintain our independence. I want to make sure we both lead independent lives that also intersect with each other and support each other. I don't want her to be my sole reason for existence, even though she's amazing and the best person I know.

 

I have been through a divorce and several big breakups, so I know what it is like to have your heart broken. That's partly why I am so concerned this time, because it feels even more intense than those ever did and I do have a fear of losing her because she means so much to me already.

 

As for the exclusivity conversation, I'm not ready for that yet. Also, that's kind of outside the realm of how I usually approach these things at this point, and I feel comfortable with where things are and where they're going right now. That conversation will happen at some point without me forcing the issue. And I'm OK with that.

 

I've been through the same and let me tell you the heartbreak if you lose a woman like this will fundamentally change you as a person. It will be like nothing you've ever experienced in your entire life. I can recal no pain that cut as deep. Ever.

 

It's good you are establishing boundaries but it is all a farce. You have to really WANT to be apart from her at times. That can be done by having your own hobbies and interests. Your own life and goals separate and apart from her.

 

It won't work by just stopping yourself from reaching out. It has to be real.

 

I only say all this so I can help another dude avoid my mistakes. Making a woman your life and happiness will drive them away even if they are completely receptive to it.

 

I truly hope this works out!

  • Like 2
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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Sounds good. You're sexually intimate and have both told each other you love each other. Keep showing up. Enjoy the moment. If it ends up being a lifetime of moments with her, cool way to grow old. That's what I'd do.

  • Like 1
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TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

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She was the right woman for 6.5 years, then she wasn't.

 

 

My point is women OFTEN change. What is meant now is meant in the moment.

 

I don't believe there is any "right" woman. I had looked until I was 37 to find her and finally thought I did. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

 

You never know when someone can up and leave. Act is if they will one day and don't base your happiness on them.

 

I agree that anyone can leave at any time, but acting as if they will, to me, is not necessarily the way to go. It seems like a way to a self-fulfilling prophecy, to never fully trust anyone.

 

I'd rather open myself up to getting hurt and trust someone completely. That, to me, is the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship. If you're not open to getting hurt, you're not really all in, are you?

  • Like 4
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
Posted

going against your feelings is always wrong, if you force yourself to act a certain way to not scare her off, you will certainly hurt both of you, and just waste time:o - but who am i to convince you of that, i guess we all have to learn life lessons the hard way, wisdom sometimes is delayed or disabled early on:cool: not that i advice you to use the phone all the time because that soon gets sad because your not together, BUT take your feelings of wanting to talk to her as a sign that you want to spend more time with her- not suppressing and acting like something you are not- how is she suppossed to feel then,-:confused: But i guess with careers running and a wish to be living separately this is the right way- But even if she now is focused on career and doesnt want children i have a feeling your love for her will soften her and make her see the world in a different way and will want to do everything with you- if she is the right woman for you as i imagine from what you write:love:

if you want to be irresistable to her you have to know and show what you want- not a suppressed version of you- we like the initiative to be on you:D

 

If it feels right to be together thats the way it has to be- everything else is like thinking torture is neccesary:bunny: you were not created with the feelings and longings you have if they were not the right path-(

Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

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You sure are an intelligent man Taxman:) lucky woman you layd your eyes on:cool: must be missing you terribly right now:p

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted
I agree that anyone can leave at any time, but acting as if they will, to me, is not necessarily the way to go. It seems like a way to a self-fulfilling prophecy, to never fully trust anyone.

 

I'd rather open myself up to getting hurt and trust someone completely. That, to me, is the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship. If you're not open to getting hurt, you're not really all in, are you?

 

I completely agree. You have to be vulnerable to truly love. How does that Facebookish saying go "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" lol... I like it, anyway. I couldn't imagine feeling so emotionally separate from my partner that i'd be totally prepared for them to up and leave one day. I don't even think you can fall that way.

  • Like 3
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
Posted
She was the right woman for 6.5 years, then she wasn't.

 

 

My point is women OFTEN change. What is meant now is meant in the moment.

 

I don't believe there is any "right" woman. I had looked until I was 37 to find her and finally thought I did. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

 

You never know when someone can up and leave. Act is if they will one day and don't base your happiness on them.

 

still not the right woman;)

  • Like 1
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
I agree that anyone can leave at any time, but acting as if they will, to me, is not necessarily the way to go. It seems like a way to a self-fulfilling prophecy, to never fully trust anyone.

 

I'd rather open myself up to getting hurt and trust someone completely. That, to me, is the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship. If you're not open to getting hurt, you're not really all in, are you?

 

I don't look at it as self fulfilling, rather just realistic. Also it will allow you not to take them for granted which happens to the best of us.

 

I agree that you will have to open yourself up to getting hurt, but I still caution you to have your own happiness without her as that will be a self fulfilling prophecy to her leaving one day.

 

And you're right, I don't ever see myself as becoming "all in" in the future (reference above story of my ex). I can love a woman and appreciate her but never again will they become the sole source of my happiness. You're at 3 months feeling this way, I was at 7 years.

 

I think you're still in the infatuation/ honeymoon phase. This intensity will lesson with time and you can really grow as a couple. It's great that you're feeling it though because many people never do. It's physical, emotional, and spiritual. It's a wonderful feeling.

  • Like 1
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TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

Posted
  • Author
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going against your feelings is always wrong, if you force yourself to act a certain way to not scare her off, you will certainly hurt both of you, and just waste time:o - but who am i to convince you of that, i guess we all have to learn life lessons the hard way, wisdom sometimes is delayed or disabled early on:cool: not that i advice you to use the phone all the time because that soon gets sad because your not together, BUT take your feelings of wanting to talk to her as a sign that you want to spend more time with her- not suppressing and acting like something you are not- how is she suppossed to feel then,-:confused: But i guess with careers running and a wish to be living separately this is the right way- But even if she now is focused on career and doesnt want children i have a feeling your love for her will soften her and make her see the world in a different way and will want to do everything with you- if she is the right woman for you as i imagine from what you write:love:

if you want to be irresistable to her you have to know and show what you want- not a suppressed version of you- we like the initiative to be on you:D

 

If it feels right to be together thats the way it has to be- everything else is like thinking torture is neccesary:bunny: you were not created with the feelings and longings you have if they were not the right path-(

 

It's not so much trying to be something I'm not, it's more a combination of being busy with other things and also making sure I maintain my (and her) independence. It also means that when we ARE together, we have more to talk about because we have things going on in our lives that aren't completely about the other person.

 

I end up seeing her after a couple days and I have a million things to talk about, which may not happen if we talked two or three times a day. I'm not sure.

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