superstress Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 I need some advice. I started dating this guy in Jan. (just a few times) when the ex girlfriend came pounding at the door with no place to go. Ok, he let her move in she was gone in April. He said they were still friends and she had left quite a few things there and has gradually been picking up stuff. By the way, we stopped seeing each other while she was there. Ok now we been seing each other since April, getting to know each other very slowly but doing well. The other day when we had plans she popped over he told me to come on in and meet her I told him very politely no and left. Well, the next day we hooked up and had a great time and he said we needed to talk in the morning which we did. He said, He used to be obsessed with this girl and he is 80% over it and he can't shut his feelings off. He said he knows she has a lot problems and they don't get along. She left him for another guy that is really all I know but I was crushed and kinda relieved knowing this is why it is going so slow but we have been picking up the pace lately. Well anyway. he said the ball is in my court and he isn't seeing her romantically but if she ever needed to come stay again he would let her. He said he has feelings for me too (not like that) and he would understand if I wanted to take a break or not. I just want to scream! I really have strong feelings for him and I don't feel like I'm going to lose him because I don't have him I guess. He said he knows I'm the better person for him anyways. He said sex is the best he has ever had. (Thats one thing I guess) But I want to win him and I need help. I'll be able to tell when he is mine but my question is what can I do to win the feeling?
loony Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 When someone is still a bit jaded and wants to take things slowly I would be fine with it, what I would expect though is him trying to get over the past love. Your guy is obviously not interested in moving on when he would still let her stay over at his house. He's basically telling you that she matters more to him than you, that despite dating you at the moment his priority would be helping this girl even if it would made you uncomfortable having her stay at his house (I assume now that you don't consider this a great idea). He probably knows you're hooked on him and that's why he's giving you this "choice". There is no choice, he knows already that you want to stay with him. If you want to convince him that you're the better choice you will have to be better than his old girlfriend, more mature, more self-confident and kinder. Tell him that you understand his situation and that you understand if he wants to take things slowly, but that if he places his ex-girlfriend on top of his priority list there is absolutely no basis to work from there. You're not his backburner girl or his safety net and you should be very careful not to fall into this trap, once you're there it will be very difficult to get out. He will lose his respect for you because he will know you're dependent on him. The story with his ex-girlfriend is either over and he should try to move on or he should try to win her back. Right now though he's lingering around his ex like a hungry dog who's waiting for her to feed him some left-overs while having something going on with you. If she calls he will jump back to her, do you really want this? It's understandable when someone still has feelings for exes, especially when the breakup wasn't a pleasant one, but in this case he's putting his life on hold and yours as well.
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