Beeethany Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 (edited) So I've recently started dating somebody I originally met online. He messaged me first and was very keen to get to know me despite me being hesitant at first. Anyway we hit it off, got to know each other and became really close as people, and we were VERY emotionally involved - he always told me how lucky he felt and how happy I made him and I did the same, and we were always right there for one another. I felt I'd finally found somebody on the same emotional level as me (I'm kinda soppy when it comes to being romantic!). We eventually had our first date and everything was amazing, we told each other how much we liked each other and were keen to pursue a relationship but didn't want to rush into anything at an early stage. So everything was fab, eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend and we were super happy, but it all just started going downhill. It's like he's suddenly put his walls up and I can't get through to him anymore. He takes hours to reply and when he does it's always blunt, I always ask about his day and things he's interested in but I get nothing in return. If I talk about myself it just gets ignored, and it's difficult to keep a conversation going. Also, he doesn't tend to show any affection in person anymore unless he wants to get intimate. Being the person I am, I've always kept up the messages and emotional connection we had from the start because I want to make him happy, but I've had to tone my personality down massively in order to prevent coming across as being too intense or pushing him away. It's still early days so I'm happy to move along at his pace, it just seems like the whole thing has been flipped and I'm the keen one while he just seems really distant, and when he's not working he seems more interested in drinking and going out clubbing with his friends than he does in spending time with me. I told him last week that I was a bit confused about what he wanted and how he felt about the relationship, and he said then that he really likes me "more than words can describe" but is still damaged from his past experiences which means it'll take a long time for him to bring his guard down with me. I understand completely, and I've reassured him everything will be fine and we can take everything slow, I just feel like I'm giving everything for not much in return. Now just to be clear, this guy is lovely and I don't doubt that he cares about me or that he's serious about me. He's the first person I've really fallen for in a long time and I want to make this work, maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing but as somebody who appreciates affection and emotion in relationships I am starting to wonder if I can even make this work. Any advice on what to do? Edited September 26, 2017 by Beeethany
kendahke Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He's mind effing you. Lovely guys don't do that. The tack is: 1. create comfort through establishing a pattern 2. create pain through removing that pattern and causing insecurity to spike 3. pop back in as if nothing is wrong Also: leave self admitted damaged men in the rubbish bin where one puts damaged things. 7
olivetree Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Let him go work on himself. He isn't ready for a relationship. Otherwise this relationship will be very painful for you as he continuously pushes you away and your needs aren't met.
Miss Spider Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He is rebounding or has some other type of emotional intimacy problems. Get out sooner rather than later.
coolheadal Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Nothing just go on with your life without him He what I would say: TOTALLY MENTAL EMOTIONAL WRECK Trust me my dear you do not want that sort of man in your life. He told you already and you need to say. Well it just not going to work and you keep your guard up and I hope you can work on your issues on your own. I going to see myself out the door and I won't be back! Goodbye.. Why did I say all of that because what you really want this man can't give you he's so damaged he will never be the kind of man you want. You already seen the signs. Drinking, going out with his friends and not with you. Not listening to what you have to say on cell whatever. No showing you affection. Come seriously my dear that's not a relationship that's just settling in and just doing whatever you have too to make him stay with you. Technically speaking your pleasing/plus putting his needs first and not what you want. Please don't do this just not going to work even if you think the world of him that's not the going to cut into a love type of man. He might be the type of man that can't say "I LOVE YOU" hold your hands show you romantic time. I really don't want to get too deep in this but you seem to be just like me. I enjoy what you seek and give it back in return express the love, show it say it. Most men have no clue how to dot hat. They give you gifts (that means they love you) nah that's not right either. Think about this but remember you can always do better, there are so many men out there might take time to find the right one that can gave you the love you want. Because right now your not getting it and why waste your time and life waiting on him to come around.. Check your life time clock your age and most of all your happiness.. Do you feel that love now, if you say no then leave him! If you say yes that stick it out? But that's your call not ours here. I wish you the best of luck with your decision.
Zahara Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He's mind effing you. Lovely guys don't do that. The tack is: 1. create comfort through establishing a pattern 2. create pain through removing that pattern and causing insecurity to spike 3. pop back in as if nothing is wrong Also: leave self admitted damaged men in the rubbish bin where one puts damaged things. ^^ This ^^ His past keeping him from opening up is just an excuse. He sounds avoidant to me and these types keep you at a distance yet close enough for them to get what they want from you. His behavior allows him to manage down your expectations -- just as you already are. If he is hurt from him past, he doesn't need to be dating. However, I think that's just an excuse. 3
angel.eyes Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He's the first person I've really fallen for in a long time and I want to make this work, maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing but as somebody who appreciates affection and emotion in relationships I am starting to wonder if I can even make this work. Any advice on what to do? Learn to focus on the now rather than what once might have been. Recognize when someone has lost interest and no longer cares. Accept when a guy is no longer willing to meet your needs in a relationship. Your new BF did initially. He now refuses to do so. You are still in the early days of your relationship. This should be the honeymoon period. Instead, things have already deteriorated dramatically. Stop torturing yourself trying to get back to where you want things to be. That's an exercise in futility since he no longer values building a relationship with you...or for that matter, you. He's lost interest and is now basically treating you with contempt--ignoring you when you speak, responding whenever, withholding affection, etc. Fighting your current reality because he once was a "lovely guy" is pointless.You are where you are today. Stop giving him opportunities to treat you like unwanted leftovers. Get out now. Break up and go look for someone who respects you and can give you what you need. Either that or brace yourself for ever more disrespectful behavior and mind-****ery, and prepare to have your self-esteem crash through the basement as he continues to rebuff all your efforts. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one! Being the best, most perfect girlfriend who really, really wants this to succeed won't make it happen...because he no longer wants it to work. Time to move on! Three billion guys out there. Get over the one-itis, fear, and desperation inherent in "but he's the first in such a long time." He's not the only special snowflake out there. He's not the last man left on the planet. Lots of replacements who will treat you way better than he currently does. NEXT!!! 2
smackie9 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 this guy is lovely and I don't doubt that he cares about me or that he's serious about me. He's the first person I've really fallen for in a long time and I want to make this work, Any advice on what to do? This is what you don't do. This will lead to unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. You shouldn't have to tone down who you are, or expect them to change to meet your expectations....what this spells out is incompatibility. All you are doing is fighting to go up stream because you have feelings for this guy. You need to think with your head, not your heart and see this guy isn't a match, despite how desirable he is to you. You can't turn a turd into gold by giving it a slash of gold paint. 2
Miss Peach Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 My suspicion is he did all that at the beginning to hook you in and now that he thinks he has you, he is showing you what you're really getting in a relationship with him (which doesn't sound like enough for you). Anyone can put on a good show for the short term. I believe that if you stay, you're more likely to get this new guy than the one you saw at the beginning.
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