I love you, but you are going to lose!

[heavenonearth]

OK but is that just not a throwaway line as opposed to a declaration of love.

 

"I love you but", is just a way of saying something not so nice but in a nicer less confrontational way. It has often has little to do with real love and can be used on just about anyone at all, friends, neighbours, co-workers, kids relatives....

I love you but can you please turn the music down.

I love you but please put the dirty dishes in the sink.

I love you, but can you just attend to the customers...

I love you but you are driving me crazy, stop it.

 

In your case he was telling you that you were going to lose but he tempered that by introducing the "I love you but..", phrase.

 

I have no idea if he loves you or not but I would not put much importance on what he just said.

 

It is the "but" that spoils it.

 

 

I have not thought about it, perhaps you are right and I should not put too much importance on this moment and he may say it in the near future or maybe he won't... :/ without a 'but'.

 

 

Although afterwards he immediately said "Oh, This is the second time I said it today." (I have to admit, I didn't remember the first time, perhaps he was sneaky about it somehow when I slept with earplugs or was in another room or something)... anyway, I was so shocked, I didn't say anything back in the moment.

 

However, an hour or so later, we were making out, and I whispered in his ear "I am so in love with you", and then he started crying and held me really tight.

Hm.

 

Today he went back to saying "I like you so much".

Weird.

[LovelyRose]

I have not thought about it, perhaps you are right and I should not put too much importance on this moment and he may say it in the near future or maybe he won't... :/ without a 'but'.

 

 

Although afterwards he immediately said "Oh, This is the second time I said it today." (I have to admit, I didn't remember the first time, perhaps he was sneaky about it somehow when I slept with earplugs or was in another room or something)... anyway, I was so shocked, I didn't say anything back in the moment.

 

However, an hour or so later, we were making out, and I whispered in his ear "I am so in love with you", and then he started crying and held me really tight.

Hm.

 

Today he went back to saying "I like you so much".

Weird.

 

 

Aahhhh the famous " I like you"

My bf says that to me all the time. I really really really like you, or I still really really like you a lot. Sometimes I don't even want to respond I like you too anymore. But I remind myself at least he's not decreasing his interest. I just have to be patient.

 

Maybe your bf likes to alternate ILY and I like you?

[heavenonearth]

Aahhhh the famous " I like you"

My bf says that to me all the time. I really really really like you, or I still really really like you a lot. Sometimes I don't even want to respond I like you too anymore. But I remind myself at least he's not decreasing his interest. I just have to be patient.

 

Maybe your bf likes to alternate ILY and I like you?

 

I don't know... I think a lot of it has to do also with the fact we haven't really put a label on it yet (see my new post).

Anyway, I just have to be patient, I guess.

 

He just called to say "I'm crazy about you!"..... oh well....

[Gaeta]

 

He just called to say "I'm crazy about you!"..... oh well....

 

I'm crazy about you is an amazing thing to hear.

 

It's almost like you don't give any importance to his verbal romantic expressions because you have not heard an ILY.

[LovelyRose]

I don't know... I think a lot of it has to do also with the fact we haven't really put a label on it yet (see my new post).

Anyway, I just have to be patient, I guess.

 

He just called to say "I'm crazy about you!"..... oh well....

 

Yeah, just be patient. That's what I tell myself too hahaha. Apart from not saying ILY my bf is amazing and makes me so happy. Last weekend he told me he is a very lucky man because I picked him to be with me.

 

Your guy seems to be doing just fine. You two seems happy. So enjoy and relax. At least try to, haha. You will get there if it's meant to be. Focus on the happy feelings he brings to you and not the things you don't have.

[elaine567]

 

However, an hour or so later, we were making out, and I whispered in his ear "I am so in love with you", and then he started crying and held me really tight.

Hm.

 

Today he went back to saying "I like you so much".

Weird.

 

The guy is only 8 months out of a 15 year relationship, 4 months of which he has spent with you.

YOU have no idea why he cried when you told him you loved him and why he said "I like you so much" the next day.

You, being all loved up, are surmising he was overcome with feelings for you, but he may have been crying over his ex, or the loss of his last relationship and it may have been triggered by what you said.

Few can walk away from a 15 year relationship unscarred.

 

Your timing is off.

You may love him, but I guess he is just not there yet, else after your little disclosure he would have been happy to tell you he loved you.

Instead he ramped it back to "I like you so much"

 

I think you are getting ahead of yourself and are discounting the fact he is most likely still reeling from his split. His head will be all over the place.

He has not even made this relationship with you "official" yet, so you need to calm down.

[No_Go]

Heaven, I remember the story. The guy is fresh out of long term common law marriage.

 

Unless you want to be a rebound - take it VERY slow. I'd say I'm your situation RL declarations and ILYs should wait at least 6-9 months if not a full year. Otherwise you'd move artificially and serve a role of his wife's replacement (people do this subconsciously).

 

That's not an easy situation but if you're patient - it could work. It will just be very different from a 'regular' couple. I think you like each other enough to slow down, let him heal, and bond organically.

[LovelyRose]

Heaven, I remember the story. The guy is fresh out of long term common law marriage.

 

Unless you want to be a rebound - take it VERY slow. I'd say I'm your situation RL declarations and ILYs should wait at least 6-9 months if not a full year. Otherwise you'd move artificially and serve a role of his wife's replacement (people do this subconsciously).

 

That's not an easy situation but if you're patient - it could work. It will just be very different from a 'regular' couple. I think you like each other enough to slow down, let him heal, and bond organically.

 

 

Oh wow, I didn't read all your thread therefore didn't know the guy's background.

 

Heaven, listen to what they said. Take it slow and if it's meant to be you will get there. It's not even a year after his split from a very long term relationship. That means he didn't even had enough time to be alone.

 

My bf was with his ex for 13 yrs but they divorced 4 yrs ago. It takes time to heal. Don't ignore all the great things he's showing you.

[kendahke]

However, an hour or so later, we were making out, and I whispered in his ear "I am so in love with you", and then he started crying and held me really tight.

Hm. Today he went back to saying "I like you so much".

 

 

Like I said:

you need to get clear on whether or not he meant "I love you as in I want a romantic future with you" or "I love you as one would a friend they care about deeply".

 

It's the latter and not the former.

 

Also--

The guy is only 8 months out of a 15 year relationship, 4 months of which he has spent with you.

 

Elaine is on the mark in her assessment.

[heavenonearth]

The guy is only 8 months out of a 15 year relationship, 4 months of which he has spent with you.

YOU have no idea why he cried when you told him you loved him and why he said "I like you so much" the next day.

You, being all loved up, are surmising he was overcome with feelings for you, but he may have been crying over his ex, or the loss of his last relationship and it may have been triggered by what you said.

Few can walk away from a 15 year relationship unscarred.

 

Your timing is off.

You may love him, but I guess he is just not there yet, else after your little disclosure he would have been happy to tell you he loved you.

Instead he ramped it back to "I like you so much"

 

I think you are getting ahead of yourself and are discounting the fact he is most likely still reeling from his split. His head will be all over the place.

He has not even made this relationship with you "official" yet, so you need to calm down.

 

 

His last relationship or his ex are not an issue. This relationship was long over before they finally split. He has no feelings for his ex. I find it really weird to even think about it, she is not an issue anymore.

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, I remember the story. The guy is fresh out of long term common law marriage.

 

Unless you want to be a rebound - take it VERY slow. I'd say I'm your situation RL declarations and ILYs should wait at least 6-9 months if not a full year. Otherwise you'd move artificially and serve a role of his wife's replacement (people do this subconsciously).

 

That's not an easy situation but if you're patient - it could work. It will just be very different from a 'regular' couple. I think you like each other enough to slow down, let him heal, and bond organically.

 

Well, I think, from what he told me, the problem is not that he's hung up about her, because he is not (it was over two years ago already, he's been emotionally detached a year already before they broke up officially, with telling family, friends, etc).

But the problem is, that he has been, in the past (and I am like that too), someone who can lose himself in a relationship, because he gets too enmeshed, falls very deeply in love, and becomes overbearing. He said he's scared to make the same mistake with me, and hence wants to take it slow. This is something he's talking through in therapy right now, and he told me he wants to make sure that we are healthy.

 

I still don't think I am a rebound, he didn't want to be with anyone when we met, he said he had promised himself to 'find himself' again, after living with someone for so long, but since we met, he's really become a happier person, he said that he's never felt more himself, that he's learning so much about himself and about life through me and that he's never been happier.

 

So yeah, I take those words for what they are. He has not expressed any doubts in terms of 'maybe i am not ready', or 'this was too soon', or 'i am not over my ex'. We never talk about her unless I have brought it up, that that was in the early months. I think we're a solid team at this point.

 

We said we'd take it slow, but it was really difficult, because the feelings were very strong from day 1 and they are growing stronger still. I think the fact that he has not expressed these words or proclaimed relationship yet really is his way of 'taking it slow'.. :/

And i have been going along with it, it's not TOO difficult, because I am very happy with him, but sometimes I really just want to burst it out, haha.

 

Oh well, now I wrote a lot. Stream of consciousness..

[heavenonearth]

Like I said:

 

 

It's the latter and not the former.

 

Also--

 

 

Elaine is on the mark in her assessment.

 

Oh, ok, so why would he want to make future plans with me and tell me he sees a future with me, if he likes me only as a friend?

He said he wants a relationship.

[heavenonearth]

Oh wow, I didn't read all your thread therefore didn't know the guy's background.

 

Heaven, listen to what they said. Take it slow and if it's meant to be you will get there. It's not even a year after his split from a very long term relationship. That means he didn't even had enough time to be alone.

 

My bf was with his ex for 13 yrs but they divorced 4 yrs ago. It takes time to heal. Don't ignore all the great things he's showing you.

 

I know, this scared me in the beginning, I haven't really thought about this in the past month and a half, simply because things have been going so well. I think he really was done with the relationship looong before it officially ended.

[kendahke]

Oh, ok, so why would he want to make future plans with me and tell me he sees a future with me, if he likes me only as a friend?

He said he wants a relationship.

 

How does he ACT?

 

He can say anything for expediency's sake.

[No_Go]

It's not about not being over in terms of feelings to her, it is about breaking a habit. His lifestyle and mindset is of a 'committed' person, not a dating one. Which is completely normal: you're talking for a very strong habit - a relationship that lasted his entire adult life.

 

Basically the dynamics of rebounds is that the replacement person is subconsciously put in the position where the relationship ended with the other one - I think that's exactly showing in his explanation about how he sees BF/GF dynamics and commitment. Most rebounders are not even aware why they are doing it: they just seek comfort by replacing one partner with another and matching the levels.

 

But in your case I think your guy truly likes you so if you are slow and steady with him - you may get around this hurdle and build a healthy foundation of a relationship. It will just be very different in it's dynamics from a regular one, which is ok, if he's worth it.

 

I don't think you need to introduce any changes now that things are going fine. You'd feel when things are ready to progress.

 

Well, I think, from what he told me, the problem is not that he's hung up about her, because he is not (it was over two years ago already, he's been emotionally detached a year already before they broke up officially, with telling family, friends, etc).

But the problem is, that he has been, in the past (and I am like that too), someone who can lose himself in a relationship, because he gets too enmeshed, falls very deeply in love, and becomes overbearing. He said he's scared to make the same mistake with me, and hence wants to take it slow. This is something he's talking through in therapy right now, and he told me he wants to make sure that we are healthy.

 

I still don't think I am a rebound, he didn't want to be with anyone when we met, he said he had promised himself to 'find himself' again, after living with someone for so long, but since we met, he's really become a happier person, he said that he's never felt more himself, that he's learning so much about himself and about life through me and that he's never been happier.

 

So yeah, I take those words for what they are. He has not expressed any doubts in terms of 'maybe i am not ready', or 'this was too soon', or 'i am not over my ex'. We never talk about her unless I have brought it up, that that was in the early months. I think we're a solid team at this point.

 

We said we'd take it slow, but it was really difficult, because the feelings were very strong from day 1 and they are growing stronger still. I think the fact that he has not expressed these words or proclaimed relationship yet really is his way of 'taking it slow'.. :/

And i have been going along with it, it's not TOO difficult, because I am very happy with him, but sometimes I really just want to burst it out, haha.

 

Oh well, now I wrote a lot. Stream of consciousness..

[Gaeta]

His last relationship or his ex are not an issue. This relationship was long over before they finally split. He has no feelings for his ex. I find it really weird to even think about it, she is not an issue anymore.

 

You have a lot of things to learn.

 

Even bad relationships need to be mourned when it's over. Even if the relationship was over in his head he was still physically in it, under the same roof, sharing the same responsibilities. A relationship that ends after 15 years is felt as a failure and a person needs to go through several processes to move on from it. When he moved out (or she moved out) the clock goes to 0, not before.

 

I was in a 15 year marriage and I am the one that left. I did not shed 1 tear, I was over him BUT I still needed to ease into my new life as a single woman, I needed to find myself again because when you've been so many years in an unhappy relationship you don't know who you are anymore. Even if I was over my ex-h emotionally it took me years to figure out who I was and what I wanted.

[heavenonearth]

How does he ACT?

 

He can say anything for expediency's sake.

 

Well, he acts like he is head over heels for me, too. His words match his actions. I have never felt so loved by a person.

[heavenonearth]

You have a lot of things to learn.

 

Even bad relationships need to be mourned when it's over. Even if the relationship was over in his head he was still physically in it, under the same roof, sharing the same responsibilities. A relationship that ends after 15 years is felt as a failure and a person needs to go through several processes to move on from it. When he moved out (or she moved out) the clock goes to 0, not before.

 

I was in a 15 year marriage and I am the one that left. I did not shed 1 tear, I was over him BUT I still needed to ease into my new life as a single woman, I needed to find myself again because when you've been so many years in an unhappy relationship you don't know who you are anymore. Even if I was over my ex-h emotionally it took me years to figure out who I was and what I wanted.

 

 

Yes, and that is exactly what he has communicated to me from day 1 and still does: He has lost himself in this relationship and had promised himself to commit to himself again. But when he met me, things became different. He could not pass this up. He knew from the start that I was special and it did not disappoint until this day. He said I am 'next to him on the same way'.

I think for himself, he is indeed taking his time, but should I really worry that this will not work out in the long run?

[Gaeta]

Yes, and that is exactly what he has communicated to me from day 1 and still does: He has lost himself in this relationship and had promised himself to commit to himself again. But when he met me, things became different. He could not pass this up. He knew from the start that I was special and it did not disappoint until this day. He said I am 'next to him on the same way'.

I think for himself, he is indeed taking his time, but should I really worry that this will not work out in the long run?

 

I think you need to accept his circumstances and date him as he is. That means no more pressure for a title or for escalating this relationship in any other way. I think he's giving his 100% right now and anything further would suffocate him. The question is can you give him that and still be happy?

 

There is no guarantee and there is no bad spelling here. It doesn't mean it's not gonna work long time, chances are it will IF you give him the space he needs to reconnect with himself. It may mean up to a year before an official title, are you ok with that? It may mean 2-3 years to move in together, are you ok with that?

[heavenonearth]

I think you need to accept his circumstances and date him as he is. That means no more pressure for a title or for escalating this relationship in any other way. I think he's giving his 100% right now and anything further would suffocate him. The question is can you give him that and still be happy?

 

There is no guarantee and there is no bad spelling here. It doesn't mean it's not gonna work long time, chances are it will IF you give him the space he needs to reconnect with himself. It may mean up to a year before an official title, are you ok with that? It may mean 2-3 years to move in together, are you ok with that?

 

I really do not want to move in together at all right now, I really need my independence at this point, as I am still in school and living in a different city as he is. I also would not want to live at his place, because it's way too small for two people, no idea how him and his ex managed in there for so long. He has mentioned he wants to move down south eventually, so perhaps in a few years I'd be up for that, until then, no, I need my space as well.

No title until up to a year is hard, I don't even think he will need that long, but that's ok as long as he continues to treat me the way he has, it's really been an amazing ride.

He's gonna call me in a few minutes, wants to talk to me about something...

[Gaeta]

I don't remember, is he much older than you?

[LivingWaterPlease]

heavenonearth, saying "I'm in so in love with you," in his ear while making out is a little different than saying, "I love you!" kind of spontaneously at another time. Or even pulling back from him a little (your body language a bit of a tease here and you could even pat the side of his face with your hand, to lighten the mood again a little teasingly) while making out, with a sweet or impish smile and saying, "I love you!" This is the way I see it, others may not.

 

It's similar, but not exactly like, for instance, if you say to a pet in a sweet voice while petting them affectionately, "You dirty rotten scoundrel! I don't know why I even keep you around." Contrast that with shoving the pet away and growling, "Get away from me!" It all has to do with the mood of the moment and your voice inflections rather than exactly the words you're saying.

 

I believe this is what your bf was doing with his I love you comment during the game. He was giving you an "I love you lite" before the big "I Love You" that will follow later when he's ready. Kind of putting his toes in the water. Might have been fun to counter with a twinkle in your eye and a smile, "I love you, too, but no I'm not! I know it's not always easy to think that fast, though.

 

But, point is, to keep things casual and easy.

 

Right now, though, I wouldn't say it to him at all because he is basically letting you know he needs to take it a little slower. However, the way things seem to be going for you there may come a day when he tests the waters again and says it in a more casual way down the road. Then you can say it again keeping it very light.

 

Had this not occurred I'd have encouraged you to say it lightly at some point.

 

I used to be hung up on whether or not to say "I love you" but now I find myself saying it genuinely whenever I feel like it to whomever i feel like saying it to. I say it pretty often with a lot of warmth in my voice and a smile on my face and truly mean it. I believe most people understand I don't necessarily want to marry them, lol! Doesn't bother me one bit if the person doesn't respond or seems a little taken aback! And, yes, I'd say it genuinely to a bf in a warm way first if I felt like it. Love is a gift you give and you don't have to receive it back in order for it to be a beautiful thing and for the words to water your soul as they pass through your lips! The world needs more of it!

 

With your bf, though, he's been great to tell you he's working through related issues in therapy so you now have the opportunity to show him you "love" him, in action by respecting his need to move more slowly!

Edited September 28, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[LovelyRose]

Yes, and that is exactly what he has communicated to me from day 1 and still does: He has lost himself in this relationship and had promised himself to commit to himself again. But when he met me, things became different. He could not pass this up. He knew from the start that I was special and it did not disappoint until this day. He said I am 'next to him on the same way'.

I think for himself, he is indeed taking his time, but should I really worry that this will not work out in the long run?

 

 

 

Your worries could become your reality if you don't stop thinking about it. Right now you are on a tunnel vision and focused on the label and ILY part that you seem to not appreciate all the great things he has.

 

Sounds to me you two have great communication. Something that some people have a hard time on. Like what the others said, it's not all about him getting over the long term ex. You need to look at the bigger picture. He needs to find himself again. Whether he didn't have feelings for her long before they split, he was still in a committed relationship with her.

 

If he says he doesn't want to mess this up with you, believe it. He already said once you are his girlfriend (which he already said he wants to be your bf and that you're getting there), then he will be totally devoted to you. So what's the rush? You two are moving forward just not at the fast paced you want.

 

But if he felt something great for you that he couldn't pass it then just believe him. With everything you have shared he really seems to like you and wants to be careful. He is not a teenager that is reckless. Would you rather have him take it slowly but surely, or rush things and possibly regret later?

 

Girl, have faith and just enjoy enjoy enjoy! Don't worry about tomorrow and focus on the NOW. What you have now is amazing, so treasure it.

[heavenonearth]

I don't remember, is he much older than you?

 

I am 30, he is 38.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Actions are ALWAYS mote convincing than words. Words are cheap...all words are cheap.

 

If you are expecting a flurry of declaration of love for you,it probably won't happen like the Movie version you are seeking.

 

You see, if he was in a LTR before you it is understandable if he wants to take t slow. 8 months is nothing compared to 15 years. "I Love You" is like crossing a Rubicon...once you cross it you cannot come back from it.

 

Pay more attention to his actions.

 

I could tell you "I love you" and then bang your best friend behind your back. Anyone could. Would the words line up with the action?

 

No.

 

So don't put too much stock in anything anyone says...including me. lol.

Take stock in Actions.

 

Good Luck.