heavenonearth Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 We have been dating for 4 months. I am really impatient at this moment, sometimes I just want to burst it out "I FUDGING LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!", but didn't want to be the first to say it. Back in July we both sort of attempted at it, but we were drunk and in bed, so I don't think it counts. He was over at my house this weekend, we were playing a board game, and I was not doing too well, so he leaned over and said "I love you, but you are going to lose!" I just looked at him and my jaw dropped. This is the moment he picked to say the three magical words? Gosh, we had so many great moments full of romance, staring into each others eyes, where I was screaming internally "SAY IT YOU DOOFUS!" --- well, welcome to my life. Men are weird. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Some people don't think it needs to be said, let alone in some grand display. They just assume you know 2
kendahke Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 If you wait for it to be said, it may never be said or acknowledged. Sometimes, you have to take the risk. You won't be killed as a result of it. You'll have a much clearer idea of where thing actually are. I think at 4 months if he's comfortable enough to say what he said to you, he's probably comfortable enough for you to inquire about it. You should be, too, especially if you're being intimate with him.
Author heavenonearth Posted September 26, 2017 Author Posted September 26, 2017 If you wait for it to be said, it may never be said or acknowledged. Sometimes, you have to take the risk. You won't be killed as a result of it. You'll have a much clearer idea of where thing actually are. I think at 4 months if he's comfortable enough to say what he said to you, he's probably comfortable enough for you to inquire about it. You should be, too, especially if you're being intimate with him. I actually have feared this as well. Perhaps he may be someone who doesn't say it a lot. Some men don't. I know a friend of my mom's whose husband has said it only twice in 20 years marriage. To me, these words mean so much! And I do love him, and I want to say it so much, but everytime I just say it quietly in my head. He's very vocal about his feelings for me otherwise, and a very affectionate and soft guy, so I was hoping he'd be vocal about these three words as well... :/
Gaeta Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Let him work through it at his own speed. Enjoy the moment. Stop focusing on the end result and savor the journey to the finishing line. At 5 months dating my bf and I were preparing to go out. We're both standing by the door to leave when he sees something I hand-made. He picked it up and said to himself but loud enough for me to hear 'no wonder I am so in love with this woman'. He was not looking at me at all, I knew he was just checking the water. He wanted to express his feelings but was not sure I would reciprocate, he was probably wondering if it was too soon as well. I gave him a green light, I replied: she told me she's in love with you just as much. We smiled and nothing else was said after that. From there he dropped these little romantic comments here and there and I always reciprocated the same and finally something like 3-4 weeks later I got an official ILY. So, let the man work through it. Help him by giving him a couple of green lights that he's heading in the right direction. When he says something *reciprocate*. 4
kendahke Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I actually have feared this as well. Perhaps he may be someone who doesn't say it a lot. Some men don't. I know a friend of my mom's whose husband has said it only twice in 20 years marriage. To me, these words mean so much! And I do love him, and I want to say it so much, but everytime I just say it quietly in my head. He's very vocal about his feelings for me otherwise, and a very affectionate and soft guy, so I was hoping he'd be vocal about these three words as well... :/ Plenty of people never say it, no matter what form, unless they mean it. Those are what I call "actionable words"; which means the utterance of them may cause follow through on the action of loving someone. I don't say those words unless I mean it and are ready to back them up through action. Still, if you're having sex with him and he's said this without stopping himself, then you need to get clear on whether or not he meant "I love you as in I want a romantic future with you" or "I love you as one would a friend they care about deeply". You're hung up on it being the former and for him, it might be the latter. Both of your actions are going to bear out quickly which of the two it is for each other. I'd think you'd like to be on solid ground instead of guessing and asking everyone else but him what he means by it. 1
lurker74 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 We have been dating for 4 months. I am really impatient at this moment, sometimes I just want to burst it out "I FUDGING LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!", but didn't want to be the first to say it. Back in July we both sort of attempted at it, but we were drunk and in bed, so I don't think it counts. He was over at my house this weekend, we were playing a board game, and I was not doing too well, so he leaned over and said "I love you, but you are going to lose!" I just looked at him and my jaw dropped. This is the moment he picked to say the three magical words? Gosh, we had so many great moments full of romance, staring into each others eyes, where I was screaming internally "SAY IT YOU DOOFUS!" --- well, welcome to my life. Men are weird. Wow - ok. I guess we're weird because I think it's kind of sweet. I guess we all have our own expectations though. 6
lana-banana Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I think this is absolutely adorable. OP, what's the problem? Were you expecting some kind of grand gesture with flowers and skywriters? This is what love is: real, unforced, intimate, and sometimes silly. 10
Author heavenonearth Posted September 26, 2017 Author Posted September 26, 2017 Wow - ok. I guess we're weird because I think it's kind of sweet. I guess we all have our own expectations though. I think it was sweet as well. I didn't mean the 'weird' in a bad way, I know everyone is different, I just thought it was odd that there were soooo many romantic situations we have been in in the past, and he chose a rather unromantic moment for the words, that's all. I think this is absolutely adorable. OP, what's the problem? Were you expecting some kind of grand gesture with flowers and skywriters? This is what love is: real, unforced, intimate, and sometimes silly. No, as I just mentioned, I thought we had so many romantic moments where it felt right for me to say it, I would have never guessed for it to be said in a moment like this. I am happy he said it, but I am really just surprised, that's all.
Author heavenonearth Posted September 26, 2017 Author Posted September 26, 2017 Plenty of people never say it, no matter what form, unless they mean it. Those are what I call "actionable words"; which means the utterance of them may cause follow through on the action of loving someone. I don't say those words unless I mean it and are ready to back them up through action. Still, if you're having sex with him and he's said this without stopping himself, then you need to get clear on whether or not he meant "I love you as in I want a romantic future with you" or "I love you as one would a friend they care about deeply". You're hung up on it being the former and for him, it might be the latter. Both of your actions are going to bear out quickly which of the two it is for each other. I'd think you'd like to be on solid ground instead of guessing and asking everyone else but him what he means by it. I think him and I are beyond the stage of wondering if I am just a friend or more to him, so I don't worry about that. But I do like to have confirmation after 4 months, of course. I feel safe with him, but I think there is just this tiny little bit missing where I feel 100% safe.
SevenCity Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I think it was sweet as well. I didn't mean the 'weird' in a bad way, I know everyone is different, I just thought it was odd that there were soooo many romantic situations we have been in in the past, and he chose a rather unromantic moment for the words, that's all. No, as I just mentioned, I thought we had so many romantic moments where it felt right for me to say it, I would have never guessed for it to be said in a moment like this. I am happy he said it, but I am really just surprised, that's all. The fact that he said it outside of a romantic moment should carry much more weight. Sounds like he means it. 2
elaine567 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He was over at my house this weekend, we were playing a board game, and I was not doing too well, so he leaned over and said "I love you, but you are going to lose!" I just looked at him and my jaw dropped. This is the moment he picked to say the three magical words? Gosh, we had so many great moments full of romance, staring into each others eyes, where I was screaming internally "SAY IT YOU DOOFUS!" --- well, welcome to my life. Men are weird. OK but is that just not a throwaway line as opposed to a declaration of love. "I love you but", is just a way of saying something not so nice but in a nicer less confrontational way. It has often has little to do with real love and can be used on just about anyone at all, friends, neighbours, co-workers, kids relatives.... I love you but can you please turn the music down. I love you but please put the dirty dishes in the sink. I love you, but can you just attend to the customers... I love you but you are driving me crazy, stop it. In your case he was telling you that you were going to lose but he tempered that by introducing the "I love you but..", phrase. I have no idea if he loves you or not but I would not put much importance on what he just said. It is the "but" that spoils it. 1
grays Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I bet he wanted to say it during some of those romantic moments but it was too scary or he was afraid if it didnt go well it would be awful. For whatever reason he felt comfortable enough to say it in that moment. And it was probably a little easier to make it a bit of a joke. 2
salparadise Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I just want to burst it out "I FUDGING LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!", but didn't want to be the first to say it. Don't want to be the first to say I love you––why? I don't get it. Is this one of those gender restriction rules... like you can't ask a guy out, can't show interest, can't call, can't text, can't pick up a check, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't do anything but passively feign demure? And in all of the previous responses nobody has even questioned that! Just say it! Damn! 2
salparadise Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 News Flash - Today in the NYTimes: Saudi Arabia Agrees to Let Women Drive Excerpt: Some said that it was inappropriate in Saudi culture for women to drive, or that male drivers would not know how to handle women in cars next to them. Others argued that allowing women to drive would lead to promiscuity and the collapse of the Saudi family. One cleric claimed — with no evidence — that driving harmed women’s ovaries. The whole world is going liberal! Next thing you know it will be allowed for a woman to say ILU first in the USA. Just think about it, heavenonearth, you could go down in history with Rosa Parks, Susan B. Antony and many others... I say be radical, break some rules and say it first! My previous girlfriend said it first... I was ready to but she beat me to it. I was saving it for Christmas, but she let it fly two weeks before 1
smackie9 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Hah funny moment....something to look back on later and laugh about it. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 (edited) Lol. He technically said it first. I think it counts. Like you said, some people aren't as verbal with that. There was a time in my life where I thought saying "I love you" was corny lol. My mom/dad would say "I love you honey" and I would cringe and be like" yeah love ya too" Even with my ex BF, saying I love you was a little bit uncomfortable for me at first.. I'd throw it in places though like "this is why I love you!" ...Of course I still said it countless times, but "love ya" is so much easier. Why does the 'you' make it sound so cheesy and out of a romance novel? Edited September 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Olympia Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 He was over at my house this weekend, we were playing a board game, and I was not doing too well, so he leaned over and said "I love you, but you are going to lose!" I just looked at him and my jaw dropped. This is the moment he picked to say the three magical words I think thats super cute! I like that its not all showy and grand, just natural. Of course I still said it countless times, but "love ya" is so much easier. Why does the 'you' make it sound so cheesy and out of a romance novel? I use 'love ya' for all my friends... for a boyfriend its 'love you', I really dunno why it makes such a difference, but it definitely does! 1
LovelyRose Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 (edited) News Flash - Today in the NYTimes: Saudi Arabia Agrees to Let Women Drive Excerpt: Some said that it was inappropriate in Saudi culture for women to drive, or that male drivers would not know how to handle women in cars next to them. Others argued that allowing women to drive would lead to promiscuity and the collapse of the Saudi family. One cleric claimed — with no evidence — that driving harmed women’s ovaries. The whole world is going liberal! Next thing you know it will be allowed for a woman to say ILU first in the USA. Just think about it, heavenonearth, you could go down in history with Rosa Parks, Susan B. Antony and many others... I say be radical, break some rules and say it first! My previous girlfriend said it first... I was ready to but she beat me to it. I was saving it for Christmas, but she let it fly two weeks before I can relate to the OP. I wouldn't have the nerve to say it first to my current bf. I know he is not ready. I've felt that I was ready to say this very early on. I process fast and doesn't take me that long to know if I really like a person. But I know he process slow. We talked for about a month nonstop before he flew over here to see me and be with me for the first time. It was great. But during our bonding moment he told me out of the blue that he will not tell me ILY yet. I laughed so hard and gave him weird look. I told him he is weird for even saying it. He said he just wants to make sure because there was a girl before that got mad at him for not saying it when it's only been 2 weeks. Now 6 months in and I haven't heard it yet. Many times I almost slip saying it. Like you know when you are about to hangup the phone and saying your "I miss you" and " good night." We had serious talk over the weekend and I asked him if he's afraid to love. He said no he's not. So here I am just going with the flow and taking it one day at a time. Funny enough last night he was sharing about his day at work. That he has a co worker that he is close with. That coworker shared that his date is psycho for telling him ILY already after just 3 weeks. So my bf told him that he should have talked to the girl early on and laid out his rules. My bf shared to him that he wouldn't say it unless he means it. He's always telling me he really really likes me a lot. Every chance he gets. Sometimes that's how he say goodnight. "I miss you, I like you, good night babe." So yeah, I will not say it and risk pressuring him. He makes me really happy and treats me right. I know if it's meant to be it will happen. But I will not be the first one to say it. I also believe I'm very transparent so I'm sure he can feel it that I love him. When he's ready, if he ever gets there, then I'd be so happy. Edited September 26, 2017 by LovelyRose
salparadise Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 So yeah, I will not say it and risk pressuring him. He makes me really happy and treats me right. I know if it's meant to be it will happen. But I will not be the first one to say it. I also believe I'm very transparent so I'm sure he can feel it that I love him. When he's ready, if he ever gets there, then I'd be so happy. Hmmm. Interesting. A different rationale than I was thinking. But if you're feeling it, and want to say it, don't you think perhaps you should... it's not a given that he must say it at the same time. You could alleviate the pressure by saying in advance that even it he's not ready to say it, you are. It means different things to different people anyway. You can't presume to know exactly how someone feels when they say it, other than feeling happily attached on some level, to some degree. But I see no reason whatsoever that there should be a gender expectation with regard to who says it first. Be brave, be authentic. Love wholeheartedly, and say what you feel... I must admit, when my gf said it she caught me off guard, but it felt reaaaaly good. Who doesn't want to be loved? 1
StacysMom Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 From my own experience I have developed my own theory about this specific issue. Of course all I have to go on is how I have perceived it but I think this subject is going to be different pertaining to each individual anyways. I dont think there is any "right" answer. But I feel like we tend to be more in love with the idea of love then we are actually in love with the individual. I think with some it kinda becomes a game or challenge to get the other person to that point. Hearing them say "I love you" is like hearing "ding ding ding" and it is the validation that we have succeeded. Its not really even about that particular person and our feelings and relationship with them. Its more of an issue we are facing within ourselves. Its self validating and flattering. 1
elaine567 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Hmmm. Interesting. A different rationale than I was thinking. But if you're feeling it, and want to say it, don't you think perhaps you should... it's not a given that he must say it at the same time. You could alleviate the pressure by saying in advance that even it he's not ready to say it, you are. It means different things to different people anyway. You can't presume to know exactly how someone feels when they say it, other than feeling happily attached on some level, to some degree. But I see no reason whatsoever that there should be a gender expectation with regard to who says it first. Be brave, be authentic. Love wholeheartedly, and say what you feel... I must admit, when my gf said it she caught me off guard, but it felt reaaaaly good. Who doesn't want to be loved? I do not think it needs to be gendered either but Rose KNOWS that he will not say it as he doesn't yet mean it, so of course she doesn't want to say it. A bit like saying to a guy who knows his gf will say no, "Go on propose to her anyway, she will love it..." 1
LovelyRose Posted September 27, 2017 Posted September 27, 2017 I do not think it needs to be gendered either but Rose KNOWS that he will not say it as he doesn't yet mean it, so of course she doesn't want to say it. A bit like saying to a guy who knows his gf will say no, "Go on propose to her anyway, she will love it..." Thank you Elaine. Yes, I don't do the gender game either. I'm not the first one to say it because I already had history with my bf of pressuring him (not intentionally, because of misunderstanding) when I discussed labels early on the relationship. I also said ILY first in the past and the idiot broke up with me, lol. Last Saturday love topic was in our discussion so his beginning sentence was "I'm not gonna say it...." So no point of telling him. I treat him really well too and I know he feels it and I make him feel good in different ways. I'm one of those who can be ready to say the ILY within a month's time of spending time together. Most of them said it first to me and I just followed. So with this new experience, I am learning more and more not just the meaning of love but the real value. Some people are correct, we tend to "fall in love" at the idea of being in love. Not the actual person we are with. So now, I know my heart and mind are saying I love him, but by and by I am learning more that I truly love him for who he is and not the idea of being in love.
Versacehottie Posted September 27, 2017 Posted September 27, 2017 I think it was sweet as well. I didn't mean the 'weird' in a bad way, I know everyone is different, I just thought it was odd that there were soooo many romantic situations we have been in in the past, and he chose a rather unromantic moment for the words, that's all. No, as I just mentioned, I thought we had so many romantic moments where it felt right for me to say it, I would have never guessed for it to be said in a moment like this. I am happy he said it, but I am really just surprised, that's all. I am guessing right that you want the "serious" version as well? IME, it usually comes shortly after the joking one....OR here's a thought....you could say it yourself The jokey one is a "test" to make sure it's ok to say it and it won't freak you out, checking to see if you feel close to the same way. It would be also a good way for YOU to bring it back up as a lead in sentence OR make it a kinda running joke until someone say it for real. I wouldn't mind at all. This is a time to be happy about it and see the positives and meet the guy half way. Good luck 1
Author heavenonearth Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Don't want to be the first to say I love you––why? I don't get it. Is this one of those gender restriction rules... like you can't ask a guy out, can't show interest, can't call, can't text, can't pick up a check, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't do anything but passively feign demure? And in all of the previous responses nobody has even questioned that! Just say it! Damn! No, it has nothing to do with gender. But in literally all my past relationships, I was the one to say it first, and I got enmeshed too quickly, and felt bad when they did not say it back. I just want to do everything right, and not pressure him, just in case he is not ready.
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