hunk Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 (edited) Hey guys, have recently started seeing an awesome girl ~5 years younger than me. We get along great and I'd love to properly date her. We've seen each other 6 times now, the 4th time she came over to my place and we got quite drunk and pretty hot and heavy, no sex however which i'm totally cool with as she's a virgin and fairly inexperienced, has never had a proper boyfriend etc. I just got back from a great date with her, but it was somewhat lacking on the physical/touchy side as i'm cooling off to allow her to set the pace of things. I didn't invite her inside and instead told her I had work to do and we just made out out the front and said goodbye. I'm not going to push or force anything on her, I'm just not totally sure how this whole dating thing works when you're dating a sexually inexperienced girl. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing for me. Do you guys think I should just continue seeing her with no expectations of sexual intimacy until she decides to instigate something/that she's ready? These would be "outing" dates instead of inviting her to my place. Or should I be setting up dates where she comes over to my place and "taking the lead"? My dilemma is that I don't want to be put into "friend" territory by seeing her frequently but not escalating sexually and causing her to lose interest, but on the other hand I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable position and come off like i'm chasing her/over invested. Ideally I just want some sort of "green light" to know that she's sexually attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. She mentioned going to an art gallery this weekend with me, which I said sounded cool, but again it's somewhat frustrating as there will be no sexual escalation. I am thinking of cooling off all initiation with her until I get signals that she is ready/attracted to me enough. I am weary that the more non-sexual dates we go on together the lower her sexual investment/attraction to me will become. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Edited September 26, 2017 by hunk
basil67 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Hunk, I would tell her what you've written here. Tell her that you would really like to get a better understanding of her comfort levels. I think that any reasonable woman would appreciate your candor and good communication skills.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 If she's not "saving herself" and is not opposed to sex, I'd advise a combination of "outing dates" and inviting her over once in a while and "taking the lead."
caveman621 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 you two have obviously discussed sex at least a bit since you know she is a virgin. After so many dates I think the only thing to do is actually have a discussion about it! But you need to think, what if she says she's not ready? Are you willing to continue to see her? If she's not ready to get sexually active with ANYONE at this point, then you wouldn't necessarily be "friend zoned", but in a relationship. But do your and her morals mesh? Is she waiting for marriage? And one more small observation. You are "~5 years" older? And she's a virgin? It's not a she's 15 and you're 20 thing, is it? If so, BACK OFF JACK!! 2
Author hunk Posted September 26, 2017 Author Posted September 26, 2017 If she's not "saving herself" and is not opposed to sex, I'd advise a combination of "outing dates" and inviting her over once in a while and "taking the lead." I have asked her over again, to which she deflected/ignored and suggested we go see a movie instead. After that deflection I've been backing off a fair bit under the impression she would give more of a sign that she wants to be in a one-on-one intimate setting with me/sleep over at my place or something. She initiates most of our communication, and has expressed that previous guys she "dated" (and i use that term loosely) were "way too into her" and she never felt the desire to sleep with them. I think ultimately your advice is spot on, i'm probably hyper-analyzing the situation as usual
Els Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 (edited) How old is she exactly? It's hard to say what works and what doesn't, because just like non-virgins, not all virgins are alike. Some virgins actually want sex and intercourse fairly quickly, some want sex but not intercourse, some are waiting for marriage completely (not even oral), etc. We don't know whether you backing off is a good idea in her case or not. I will say though, that if just SIX dates without sex leads to such great frustration and anxiety for you, it's likely you and she are not right for each other. If it helps, with the first guy I was sexual with (we were both complete virgins, had never even touched a nude partner before), we waited 2+ months. We had probably been on 20 dates or so before we started making out. Edited September 26, 2017 by Elswyth
MJJean Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I'm seeing a few red flags. You say sexual compatibility is important to you. This woman hasn't had sex, ever. She doesn't yet know what she's into, what her kinks are (if any), what she dislikes, etc. She may have some theories, but "in theory" and "in practice" are two very different things. She has said she's dated other men, but they were "too into her" and she "never felt the desire to sleep with them". So she's a fully grown adult woman who has dated multiple men and never felt the desire to have sex with any of her partners. Men and women who save sex for marriage or a long term committed relationship still desire sex with their partners, they just refrain. The lack of desire I see as a red flag. She could be asexual or very LD. Your post reads to me as if you expect that sex will happen at some point. Yet she steers dates toward public places, isn't very touchy-feely, and is still a virgin. Nothing you've relayed here indicates she has any plan in the immediate future to change her virginal status. So, yes, if you are going to continue seeing this woman, do so without expectation of sex. If no sex is a dealbreaker for you, then move on.
Els Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 So she's a fully grown adult woman who has dated multiple men and never felt the desire to have sex with any of her partners. Men and women who save sex for marriage or a long term committed relationship still desire sex with their partners, they just refrain. The lack of desire I see as a red flag. She could be asexual or very LD. I would not assume this. Some people need to be in a long-term relationship with a person they genuinely trust, love, and want to be with (not just casually dating) before they actually desire sex with that person. This doesn't really have any bearing on how much they desire sex (or what type of sex they like) once that boundary is crossed. That said, I do agree that the OP is likely incompatible with her.
BaileyB Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Agreed. If she has limited experience, she may not know how things should progress. You will need to take the lead and just be honest with her - let her know that you are sexually interested in her but tell her, "we will do whatever you are comfortable with..." It's ok to be physical with her - hold her hand, kiss her, etc... Maybe just ask before you try something new -"are you ok with this?" Give her some time. She is inexperienced - that is all you know right now. Once she in more comfortable, she may be very affectionate and enjoy being physical with you. You just don't know this yet...
Recommended Posts