Guest Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Hey all, I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years...he is wonderful, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, generous. We have a great physical relationship as well. I am confident that he loves me. But my question is this... Before we have sex, he is all about me-kissing me, touching, affectionate, sweet-like I am the center of his world. Then after cumming, he literally rolls over and falls asleep, snoring. I get NO cuddling, no touching, no "afterglow." Then when we lay on the couch to watch TV or just relax afterwards, he doesn't want to be touched or cuddled. He focuses entirely on the TV, ignores me as if I'm not even present, and acts annoyed if I interrupt his ESPN. I seriously feel like a huge slab of meat! WTF?! Can someone please explain this male behavior to me? I know it seems amusing, but it really pi$$es me off! Insight please?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Pre-orgasm, his brain is flooded with hormones and chemicals that make him a foreplay octopus. When he ejaculates and has an orgasm, the chemical rush immediately ends and he is left drained and tired - and he goes right back to 'normal non-sexual mode'. Its more chemical than emotional. If outside of sex he is not generally touchy-feely then he won't be post orgasm either. He is at the mercy of his brain chemistry. I would think though that he could at least listen to you and empathise with how you are feeling - to be this way physically is probably just how he is, but that's no excuse to act selfishly. He can't choose how his body acts and reacts, but he can choose how to treat you. Have you talked to him about it? Find a time where he is likely to listen to you (not post orgasm) - and let him know as objectively as possible how this is making you feel. Don't approach it with anger or sadness, or tears or anything like that. If you do, he will react badly to your approach and not listen to what you are trying to say.
Cecelius Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Also pay attention to what you first said: before it occurs, it's all about you. During, is it all about each other? And then afterwards, why is it all about you again? Why don't you try to make some parts of it all about him and express that you'd like some special treatment afterwards too.
Guest Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 i didn't say that correctly... what i meant was, he is into me...like excited, aroused, etc. of course i am the same way and show him-kissing, touching, etc. i am not selfish at all. during the act...it is give and take...he definitely likes to GIVE, which i appreciate greatly. i reciprocate in the same way. i will definitely talk to him about this, but i wanted to hear others' opinions first. i don't want to overreact if this is normal behavior, that's all. we are so comfortable around each other that sometimes i think he just forgets those little things "afterwards" are important to me. i just wondered if this was common for all guys to act detached after; whereas i still want to feel close. thanks.
johnflyr Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Men get tired after sex. Most of us just want to be alone after we get what we want, it is just human nature. Although I admit that we are pretty selfish for doing it, but it's very unfortunate that our behavior is controlled by male hormone. Men will do anything to get laid when we are horny, but we also get sick of it after a while. I am so sorry that we are selfish pigs. We take female for granted.
animo Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 then maybe hes not as generous as you think Rolling over to start snoring or waching telly is a classic male mistake. It's just soemthing guys do. You could try to talk to him about it? Just tell him you'd like to be held and sweet talked a bit after sex. Women feel used if they don't get affection after sex, i'm not sure why, it just seems to be that way. Perhaps women feel deep down that sex is a sin and it being in the name of 'love' makes it all 'ok'. Whatever the reason it's a typical female desire. Do you know if hes actually willing to cuddle and caress after sex? If not, why not? Maybe he somehow feels ashamed of his lust and acting uppon it and wants to distance himself asmuch as possible once he's gotten rid of his lust? It's a strech but it's possible... Your lover is the only one who can tell you what the problem is so i suggest you talk to him about it. Once you have and found out what the problem is you can come back here and post your findings if you need more help...
noname Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by Guest Hey all, I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years...he is wonderful, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, generous. We have a great physical relationship as well. I am confident that he loves me. But my question is this... Before we have sex, he is all about me-kissing me, touching, affectionate, sweet-like I am the center of his world. Then after cumming, he literally rolls over and falls asleep, snoring. I get NO cuddling, no touching, no "afterglow." Then when we lay on the couch to watch TV or just relax afterwards, he doesn't want to be touched or cuddled. He focuses entirely on the TV, ignores me as if I'm not even present, and acts annoyed if I interrupt his ESPN. I seriously feel like a huge slab of meat! WTF?! Can someone please explain this male behavior to me? I know it seems amusing, but it really pi$$es me off! Insight please? ask him in a setting that is not pre or post coitus. someplace neutral. express how you feel and your needs if you haven't already. it just may be the way he is. not all men fall asleep or make a sandwhich after sex. if he is not a touchy/feely guy in a normal setting, most likely he won't be after you have sex. btw, not all women like to cuddle or are into the afterglow. it depends on their individual needs...
Tony T Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I think it has something to do with men are from mars and women don't have a penis...or something like that.
aznatama Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 hmm, I don't think it's all about brain chemistry, although it does have a lot to do with it. I know that I like to cuddle a bit afterwards even though I'm usually exhausted and/or tired and sleepy. However, somewhat opposite of your experience, my gf sometimes tends to only want to relax for a min or so, then she wants to go jump in the shower asap to clean up... I guess it's something you'll just ahve to talk over with your man.
clandestinidad Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Hmmm...whenever someone does this to me, I get extremely pi$$ed off and make a scene about it (if we're in a relationship, of course) b/c there should be more to us than that. I absolutely HATE it. It makes us feel used and worthless....as if we might as well been a blow-up doll, or a whore, if there's no emotion in it. We are more emotional about sex, thats obvious. But men KNOW this if they've ever had sex or heard about sex, and for him to cut it off like that is bu11s*** Usually after I make a scene of it (which is usually pretty ugly b/c I've been through some crap with jerks and this sparks it inside me) they get the point and dont do it again. Flat out tell him that when he turns away from you, gets up to go do something else, falls asleep, etc it makes you feel used b/c women have an inherent need to continue touching after orgasm. If he's an a**h*** about it, or if he doesnt try to change it, then you should dump him b/c then he's shown his true colors by not caring about how you feel.
Outcast Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Well you can shriek, abuse, and berate the guy if you really want to or you could learn a little biology and stop being horrible to them about it. Unfortunately, men who fall asleep right after sex are merely giving in to biological forces. At orgasm, both men and women release the hormone oxytocin. This is the same chemical the body releases during breastfeeding, which is responsible for putting babies to sleep as they suckle the breast. Why would a grown-up boy be any different? He wouldn't. from Dr. Patti Britton
clandestinidad Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 not sure if that was directed at me, or just my comment, but I never said that I shreiked, abused, or berated anyone about it! Thats not how I handle it at all. "Making a scene" and saying that it gets ugly, just meant that I get quiet and if the person continues to be distant I tell them that it doesnt feel very good, and eventually it turns into me explaining that females need touching/cuddling after orgasm....its not like it becomes this huge, blow up fight or anything!!!! and I was saying that she shouldnt keep quiet about it, but should tell him how it makes her feel
Outcast Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 You also said or if he doesnt try to change it, then you should dump him b/c then he's shown his true colors by not caring about how you feel. which is not very fair if he can't help getting very sleepy after. I get very sleepy after and it would be very very mean of someone to be mad at me and dump me because of it. It's not like I do it on purpose!
TUDOR Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 All I know is my wife must be more of a guy than I am because after sex she is the one who is ready to just roll over and fall asleep. Do I take it personal and get mad cause she doesn't want to cuddle or talk about what ever......Nope, I just see it as a job well done on my part that I wore her @ss out enough that she wants nothing more to get some sleep!
clandestinidad Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 you should notice that I said try to change it....b/c if something is hurting someone we love, we should at least try/make and effort to change it
noname Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by TUDOR All I know is my wife must be more of a guy than I am because after sex she is the one who is ready to just roll over and fall asleep. Do I take it personal and get mad cause she doesn't want to cuddle or talk about what ever......Nope, I just see it as a job well done on my part that I wore her @ss out enough that she wants nothing more to get some sleep! exactly. i have run into several women like this. not all women are the same. not all guys either. i have too much energy when i finish and i either want to go again, or run around the block or something. it takes me a good while before i even think about sleeping...
TUDOR Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by noname exactly. i have run into several women like this. not all women are the same. not all guys either. i have too much energy when i finish and i either want to go again, or run around the block or something. it takes me a good while before i even think about sleeping... Right there with you. I am a night owl by nature and even a good roll in the hay doens't cause me to suddenly be ready for sleep! My wife on the other had, once she gets hers it is nighty, night! I just do what ever I need to do and don't give it a second thought. If she wants to cuddle, great, it not nothing to get worked up over I know she loves me and just wants to sleep.
clandestinidad Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 The first person my BF slept with rolled over and went to sleep right after, and it totally crushed him....he felt like she used him and didnt care about what they just shared....he felt like she had just taken his virginity from him on purpose, and without a care in the world....so yeah, its not only males that do this
Max Overclock Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 If couples practiced more honest, open, well-meaning communication with each other on this, or any other topic that affects their relationship, I believe over half the break-ups we see today might be avoided. Everyone is different, and one partner's needs will necessarily be different than the other's. Talking about these differences calmly, rationally, with great love as the motivating factor, will yield more results than other, more covert means. Max
DeaconFrost Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by noname exactly. i have run into several women like this. not all women are the same. not all guys either. i have too much energy when i finish and i either want to go again, or run around the block or something. it takes me a good while before i even think about sleeping... I'm with both of you guys too! I just can't sleep...I'm waaayyyy to awake after my jublies have been played with. You gotta love the sensory overload! I can completely sympathize with you too Kat. My last gf would pass out all the time after she had the infamous hip-jerk. I'm a cuddler by nature so I'm all about the post game show. And yes, I too do get a bit pissed if there is not some cuddlin' going on afterwards....besides, how else am I going to negotiate for seconds? You gotta keep 'em primed. Besides, who watches TV afterwards...seriously? I think a naked chick is a hell of a lot more interesting than the garbage on the tele.
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