First relationship with first kiss, got dumped and now I have a choice

[Littlemach96]

I met this girl through a mutual friend. I have never had a relationship before with anyone in my life. I'm a 20 year old guy and she's and 18 year old girl. Both of us are taking a gap year from school and just working part time jobs. We both got along really well because she liked that I was genuinely interested in having conversations with her. She also has a very drama filled life and a lot of problems. She gets no love at home and gets a lot of hate. So I was a pair of ears for her to vent a lot of her problems. She also told me that my physical presence is very comforting to her, and that she's never had that with someone before. As time went on we would spend time together more and more. Mainly just sitting in parks and talking or window shopping. Every time we spent an average about 5 hours together about 3 times a week.

 

Early on I asked how she felt about me because I was really starting to like this girl. She told me she was sorry but that she didn't feel anything. As the days went on I would keep asking her why she doesn't want to try at least. She would always say I don't know, when i asked her if she wanted to do something with me. She said she only ever loved an ex who was very possessive of her. She even messaged him during this time to try and restart that relationship. Telling him they'd be more mature about it this time. He told her he was attracted to her but didn't want to start again. Because he doesn't feel that way anymore and because it would be long distance. She also warned me that every guy that has liked her has had their hearts shattered.

 

One day I told her, we could just start something simple like we already were, just hanging out and talking. She said ok, lets just please keep it simple. She also said, you can make whatever moves you want, I won't stop you. When we were together I would let her know that I wanted to try something serious. I wore my heart on my sleeve and made it apparent i wanted something serious from the start. We kept hanging out a lot and we had a lot of innocent fun just talking.

 

I was always very respectful physically and never tried to sneak a touch with her. She admired my self control, and then she started to set up being touchy and innocent by saying she was tired and resting on my shoulder. Later she would always go for a hand hold from me or want me to play with her hair. Things ramped up and then she set me up to kiss her while we were alone at my place. We both enjoyed it, but I was awful at it. She told me I was average, and I also let her know that was my first kiss.

 

During this time my emotions got the better of me and I became jealous. I wanted her to tell her closest friend that she was going to be in a relationship. In the back of my mind I didn't want him to get in the way and ruin this for me. She told him and he was hurt, and I could tell this affected her. Shortly after that she ran away from me and didn't speak to me for a day. The next day she told me let's just be platonic friends. She said she's afraid that she doesn't feel anything ever. And this is proof that she'll never feel anything again. She also said that she hurt me. I told her that i don't regret anyhing that happened. I told her she has made me go to one of the happiest points I've had yet. A few days later I talked to her about it and she told me I was basically used for entertainment. I asked so that means that I have no chance anymore, to which she said yeah pretty much. Ever since then I've been nothing but sad, angry and mentally numb at times. Two weeks after that I find out she has a new boyfriend who she likes and they are long distance.

 

The days after she told me to be just friends, she still would have small talk with me like we normally would but it was hurting me. I started being passive aggressive with her so I asked that she give me some alone time. She did but then she started having family problems and asked to see me in person for a little while. This is while she is now with her new boyfriend. We hung out for 2 hours like normal and I just became a pair of ears to comfort her again. This set me back in getting over her so I again asked for alone time. Although the way I worded it, it seemed like I was going to be gone as a friend.

 

So now I don't hurt as much as before, but I still get really sad at times. I get angry when i think about her being intimate with other guys. I also get really sad when I remember the innocent moments we had together. I found out through another friend that she still wants to have me as a close friend. Also that she's angry that she feels she lost a really good friend. Telling my friend that she warned me about this. She also told him I want to be more than friends but she doesnt feel that way. He told her it's hard to be friends with a love interest. To which she says she understands, and is why she's giving me space. She also says she just wants us to be normal and not have a one sided friendship.

 

After being blindsided by all that i've had to come up with my own closure. I find it hard to accept she never felt anything for me. When she asked to just be friends, I said I know that you liked me. She said yeah she did, and that she couldn't explain why. I feel the entertainment thing holds truth but that once she felt something for me she quickly put a stop to it. I hold no resentment towards her, but i still keep hurting. I'm also accepting slowly that we will never be a thing again. But the fantasy that we can be together again won't die out.

 

The choice I'm facing now is if i should come back and be her friend or not. I realize that I have some value to her since I'm comforting to her. But I don't know that it would be the best thing for my own emotions. I also feel like I should wait till I stop hurting and then come back and be a friend for her. Also I want to stop feeling sad, but I think all I can do is let time heal me. What I plan on doing is giving myself as much time as I need to heal. Once I feel better I'll come back as a friend and be there for her if she needs me.

 

TL;DR: Had an innocent relationship with my first kiss. She values me as emotional support but we're taking a break from each other. I don't know if I should come back and be her emotional support friend, or stay away and drift from her for my own emotions sake.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Littlemach96

[CeciliaCylara]

Derp, took a while to read.

 

In my opinion, you need to cut your losses dude. I was dumped by my first ex who was my first kiss too. He was my first love. Unfortunately, he had severe depression that manifested as our relationship went on. Fortunately for you, you know this about her before getting into a relationship with her.

 

The best way I can explain it is that she is emotionally damaged. The lack of love from home and the treatment she accepted from her ex as ingrained into her mind. They have become her comfort zone. That's why she doesn't know how to feel about you. She doesn't know how to process the positivity from you. She has VERY deep scars that are WAAAAY beyond your capacity as a friend or romantic interest. She does appreciate that you care, that's her inner child longing for that love she never got. However, her adult self is stunted as long as that inner child doesn't recover from the past trauma.

 

Believe me, I cared and loved for my ex and tried many times to show him. However, his depression led him to push me away because he couldn't handle genuine love. He also had a history of past gfs who used to manipulated him and treat him bad.

 

It's not you, really. It's good that maintained that distance for yourself, as I'm doing that too with my ex and I've stayed NC with him for two weeks now. The reality is she will NEVER be able to love you like you do with her as long as she doesn't learn to love herself and realize she can do better. However, this is her own battlefield. Realize this before considering to be her friend, because as her friend, you will probably have to watch her make a LOT of mistakes in her life. You may offer advice over and over and she may not listen over and over. Pick how you will use your time and effort.

[Littlemach96]

Derp, took a while to read.

 

In my opinion, you need to cut your losses dude. I was dumped by my first ex who was my first kiss too. He was my first love. Unfortunately, he had severe depression that manifested as our relationship went on. Fortunately for you, you know this about her before getting into a relationship with her.

 

The best way I can explain it is that she is emotionally damaged. The lack of love from home and the treatment she accepted from her ex as ingrained into her mind. They have become her comfort zone. That's why she doesn't know how to feel about you. She doesn't know how to process the positivity from you. She has VERY deep scars that are WAAAAY beyond your capacity as a friend or romantic interest. She does appreciate that you care, that's her inner child longing for that love she never got. However, her adult self is stunted as long as that inner child doesn't recover from the past trauma.

 

Believe me, I cared and loved for my ex and tried many times to show him. However, his depression led him to push me away because he couldn't handle genuine love. He also had a history of past gfs who used to manipulated him and treat him bad.

 

It's not you, really. It's good that maintained that distance for yourself, as I'm doing that too with my ex and I've stayed NC with him for two weeks now. The reality is she will NEVER be able to love you like you do with her as long as she doesn't learn to love herself and realize she can do better. However, this is her own battlefield. Realize this before considering to be her friend, because as her friend, you will probably have to watch her make a LOT of mistakes in her life. You may offer advice over and over and she may not listen over and over. Pick how you will use your time and effort.

 

So the thing is I want to try and help her get on her feet a little. She's told me before that I can do nothing to help her. Thing is we both went through a traumatic experience for her during this time. And having me around she started to talk about her problems and face them slightly. I never prodded her to do so but she just would draw some strength by having me around. I feel like I can do something righteous by this person. It's another sort of fantasy that I've constructed of if I can't have her as a love interest. Then maybe I can build a close friend dynamic akin to a brother and sister. I do know though that me leaving and using this to drift away would help me cut a lot of future pain. Thing is i know I'm going to regret not having at least been around or left it on this sour note.

[d0nnivain]

It's unfair to you to be just friends when you want more. You'd be like the starving kid with your nose pressed up the bakery window. Don't do that to yourself.

 

It's tough because you like her & in your inexperience you think something is better than nothing, but it's not.

 

You have gotten your 1st kiss out of the way. With continued practice you will get better.

 

Going forward when somebody says they don't have feelings for you, accept them at their word. Don't try to force the issue.

[CeciliaCylara]

So the thing is I want to try and help her get on her feet a little. She's told me before that I can do nothing to help her. Thing is we both went through a traumatic experience for her during this time. And having me around she started to talk about her problems and face them slightly. I never prodded her to do so but she just would draw some strength by having me around. I feel like I can do something righteous by this person. It's another sort of fantasy that I've constructed of if I can't have her as a love interest. Then maybe I can build a close friend dynamic akin to a brother and sister. I do know though that me leaving and using this to drift away would help me cut a lot of future pain. Thing is i know I'm going to regret not having at least been around or left it on this sour note.

 

Wow, that's a blast from the past because this was EXACTLY how my mindset was when I was with my ex. I thought I could be different for him. To show him what real love was like and he could do better. However, I was losing myself in the process and he just got worse. I had to go to therapy after the ordeal because I was so drained from trying to fix him and guide him that I was almost crazy. I had to cut him off in order to gain respect for myself again. I put up with this for 3 years. Don't do this to yourself. You can't save her. YOU are important too and YOU want to be happy. It's painful, but please walk away. For your own sake. I'm not that much older (23 and got with my ex at 19), so I can understand your feelings. But heed someone's words who's been through it, pursuing this would not be good for your happiness.

Edited September 24, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[Littlemach96]

Wow, that's a blast from the past because this was EXACTLY how my mindset was when I was with my ex. I thought I could be different for him. To show him what real love was like and he could do better. However, I was losing myself in the process and he just got worse. I had to go to therapy after the ordeal because I was so drained from trying to fix him and guide him that I was almost crazy. I had to cut him off in order to gain respect for myself again. I put up with this for 3 years. Don't do this to yourself. You can't save her. YOU are important too and YOU want to be happy. It's painful, but please walk away. For your own sake.

 

Everyone has told me to let this one go and I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea. It still hurts a lot but, but when she spoke to my close friend. He told her that even if you think you lost him, if you ever really needed him he'd be there for you. She said she gets that, so I can know if I was ever really needed she'd reach out to me. The thing that does scare me is when I leave, I hope she doesn't try to re open this thing like with her ex. I don't know that I'd be ready to handle that situation properly.

[CeciliaCylara]

Everyone has told me to let this one go and I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea. It still hurts a lot but, but when she spoke to my close friend. He told her that even if you think you lost him, if you ever really needed him he'd be there for you. She said she gets that, so I can know if I was ever really needed she'd reach out to me. The thing that does scare me is when I leave, I hope she doesn't try to re open this thing like with her ex. I don't know that I'd be ready to handle that situation properly.

 

I feel you, I do. I never stopped caring or loving for my ex, even during NC. I will probably hold love for him forever, but the love has to change. I have to love myself and put myself first. He and your romantic interest do not have that love for themselves. You cannot share what you don't have. She needs space so she can learn to be okay being by herself. She must learn to self-soothe. You offered to be more with her, and she refused you. Accept this and know you did your best but the longer you invest, the less return you'll get. Staying friends is not advisable unless you're able to maintain distance from her, because you will literally be drained from your energy trying to please her while she continues to make the wrong choices for herself. You will become an empty husk while she'll still be content to move on doing the same thing she's comfortable with. Go NC or at least limit contact as much as you can if it's impossible to not cross paths with her. If she tries to reach out to you, respectfully refuse. Short and polite.

Edited September 24, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[Littlemach96]

I feel you, I do. I never stopped caring or loving for my ex, even during NC. I will probably hold love for him forever, but the love has to change. I have to love myself and put myself first. He and your romantic interest do not have that love for themselves. You cannot share what you don't have. She needs space so she can learn to be okay being by herself. She must learn to self-soothe. You offered to be more with her, and she refused you. Accept this and know you did your best but the longer you invest, the less return you'll get. Go NC or at least limit contact as much as you can if it's impossible to not cross paths with her. If she tries to reach out to you, respectfully refuse. Short and polite.

 

So what I did was I've removed her off all my social media accounts. I have no pictures of her and I have always deleted all of our text conversations. I haven't spoken to her since I asked for space again. I told her I'm going to need more alone time, for how long I don't know. She said "that's fine." I said unfortunately I can't be your friend for now, because I wanted more, if you need anything let me know, but I'll message you back when I feel better. She said "sorry you feel that way but I'm not interested, I won't, just do what you want." I told her i knew she's not interested. She said "sorry about everything." To which i told her, I told you the same thing before, but thanks for the experience. It really was a happy point in my life for me. She said "yeah, if you need anything else let me know. I told her No I'm good, take care and good luck with everything. She said yeah you too. I haven't spoken with her since and it's only been half a week so far. I feel bad for ending it on this note but I feel it wasn't too bad. All i have left of hers is her phone number but nothing else of hers remains.

[CeciliaCylara]

So what I did was I've removed her off all my social media accounts. I have no pictures of her and I have always deleted all of our text conversations. I haven't spoken to her since I asked for space again. I told her I'm going to need more alone time, for how long I don't know. She said "that's fine." I said unfortunately I can't be your friend for now, because I wanted more, if you need anything let me know, but I'll message you back when I feel better. She said "sorry you feel that way but I'm not interested, I won't, just do what you want." I told her i knew she's not interested. She said "sorry about everything." To which i told her, I told you the same thing before, but thanks for the experience. It really was a happy point in my life for me. She said "yeah, if you need anything else let me know. I told her No I'm good, take care and good luck with everything. She said yeah you too. I haven't spoken with her since and it's only been half a week so far. I feel bad for ending it on this note but I feel it wasn't too bad. All i have left of hers is her phone number but nothing else of hers remains.

 

That did go really well Good for you. You're probably going to feel that heart pain for a while, because you invested a lot of time with her and shared vulnerability with her. I still checked my messages and have that feeling inside like "maybe he's messaged me" but nope. Each day gets easier to a point where when I see there's no message from him that day, I think "oh well" and move on. Each day gets less about him and more looking forward to other important things like my friends and hobbies.

 

Enjoy your life and your youth don't settle early and have fun.

[Littlemach96]

That did go really well Good for you. You're probably going to feel that heart pain for a while, because you invested a lot of time with her and shared vulnerability with her. I still checked my messages and have that feeling inside like "maybe he's messaged me" but nope. Each day gets easier to a point where when I see there's no message from him that day, I think "oh well" and move on. Each day gets less about him and more looking forward to other important things like my friends and hobbies.

 

Enjoy your life and your youth don't settle early and have fun.

 

Thanks for your advice, part of me just wishes she and I could go back to normal also. Before I ever liked her and how we were back then. All i know is for now I have to make myself a top priority and move forward in life.

[ayoung73]

NO, DO NOT go back to her as a friend or anything! What you’re doing with your life is positive, you’re moving on, you’re healing, and given a little more time you can arrive at a place where you’ll see the relationship without the ‘rose colored glasses’ and for what it was…a bad relationship. You deserve respect, love, commitment, honesty, and loyalty. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for this type of relationship; and coincidently, a relationship is all of those things and more. No one should settle as a confidant when your feelings are so much more than that! If you go backwards now it will cost you your self-respect, dignity, and you’ll quickly find yourself back at square one and in so much more pain…DO NOT reopen the wound and at the very least, what would be your benefit other than the hope that one day she’ll change and love you the way you want and deserve to be loved? There is someone out there for you, someone who will love you, someone special, hang on and go out there and find the love of your life!

[Littlemach96]

NO, DO NOT go back to her as a friend or anything! What you’re doing with your life is positive, you’re moving on, you’re healing, and given a little more time you can arrive at a place where you’ll see the relationship without the ‘rose colored glasses’ and for what it was…a bad relationship. You deserve respect, love, commitment, honesty, and loyalty. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for this type of relationship; and coincidently, a relationship is all of those things and more. No one should settle as a confidant when your feelings are so much more than that! If you go backwards now it will cost you your self-respect, dignity, and you’ll quickly find yourself back at square one and in so much more pain…DO NOT reopen the wound and at the very least, what would be your benefit other than the hope that one day she’ll change and love you the way you want and deserve to be loved? There is someone out there for you, someone who will love you, someone special, hang on and go out there and find the love of your life!

 

It's been a week since we last had contact. I'm big into meditation and have been meditating a lot more in this past week. I've come to realize a few things even if my emotions say other things. First off that the relationship wasn't completly perfect and innocent. I started to remember things that she did that annoyed and irritated me. Also I remember a lot of the frustration I felt because she wasn't reciprocating my feelings. I also have realized that theres a small chance she reaches out to me at some point. If she wants me as a friend, I really couldn't because I'd re fall for her. I also realized that if she does realize what passed her by and she wants to dedicate herself to me that theres an issue. I opened up my true self to her and she hurt me at my most vulnerable. So even if she wanted to, unfortunately I'd have too many trust issues with her. I'd just be leading her on and I don't believe I'd ever be able to feel the same again. As much as it hurts this is over for both of us and we have to go down our own paths.

 

For now I've been focusing all my meditation on letting go of her and the memories we created. Mainly because those memories keep making me hurt when they pop up. Also every time I think of her I get sad she isn't around. If not I get angry about the thought of her with her new long distance boyfriend. I understand that only time can heal me but I learned a few things. To be careful who I open up to and to take things slowly in the future.

[CeciliaCylara]

It's been a week since we last had contact. I'm big into meditation and have been meditating a lot more in this past week. I've come to realize a few things even if my emotions say other things. First off that the relationship wasn't completly perfect and innocent. I started to remember things that she did that annoyed and irritated me. Also I remember a lot of the frustration I felt because she wasn't reciprocating my feelings. I also have realized that theres a small chance she reaches out to me at some point. If she wants me as a friend, I really couldn't because I'd re fall for her. I also realized that if she does realize what passed her by and she wants to dedicate herself to me that theres an issue. I opened up my true self to her and she hurt me at my most vulnerable. So even if she wanted to, unfortunately I'd have too many trust issues with her. I'd just be leading her on and I don't believe I'd ever be able to feel the same again. As much as it hurts this is over for both of us and we have to go down our own paths.

 

For now I've been focusing all my meditation on letting go of her and the memories we created. Mainly because those memories keep making me hurt when they pop up. Also every time I think of her I get sad she isn't around. If not I get angry about the thought of her with her new long distance boyfriend. I understand that only time can heal me but I learned a few things. To be careful who I open up to and to take things slowly in the future.

 

So glad to hear it Littlemach!

 

I've checked back into therapy after going NC with my ex, and it really helped me understand how toxic it was to stay in his life after what he put me through. It was deeply emotional for me too when I began to see that while our relationship had its good moments, there were many times he took me for granted and I overlooked it due to my own issues of codependency. I've cried and mourned as reality of it crashed down on me. However, the pain cemented why I can never go back to it. I feel sad for him that he's probably going to continue the cycle to his new girl, but I can't be bothered with what he does anymore. Mental illness can be so illogical that it becomes a waste of energy to try to make sense of it. NC really does help put everything in perspective after breakups.

 

Patience is a virtue and a good one to live by. If I had moved too quickly, I would have moved several states away, married, or have kids with my ex before his depression had time to set in, then I would have REALLY screwed myself. There's no shame in waiting for that special person, but don't let it hold you back in dating casually just to get more experience with other women who aren't crazy b*****s.

[Littlemach96]

So glad to hear it Littlemach!

 

I've checked back into therapy after going NC with my ex, and it really helped me understand how toxic it was to stay in his life after what he put me through. It was deeply emotional for me too when I began to see that while our relationship had its good moments, there were many times he took me for granted and I overlooked it due to my own issues of codependency. I've cried and mourned as reality of it crashed down on me. However, the pain cemented why I can never go back to it. I feel sad for him that he's probably going to continue the cycle to his new girl, but I can't be bothered with what he does anymore. Mental illness can be so illogical that it becomes a waste of energy to try to make sense of it. NC really does help put everything in perspective after breakups.

 

Patience is a virtue and a good one to live by. If I had moved too quickly, I would have moved several states away, married, or have kids with my ex before his depression had time to set in, then I would have REALLY screwed myself. There's no shame in waiting for that special person, but don't let it hold you back in dating casually just to get more experience with other women who aren't crazy b*****s.

 

For now I'm just experiencing a lot of downs because I can't stop thinking about her no matter what I do. All I can do is distract myself but it just delays the pain and sadness. Nearly every part of me just wants her back. I want her to realize what happened and want me to give her a second chance. I know it's all over though but that also makes me really sad. For now I've accepted all I can do is wait and try and distract when I can.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Littlemach96