devestation and love.... what to do??? please help!!

[confused12321]

Hello everyone,

 

Before I explain my situation, I know that no one is going to be able to tell me what the right thing to do is, but I woudl really appreciate your unbiased opinion on this...

 

I had been dating my boyfriend, Josh, for about 2 years when my brother passed away in a very tragic situation. Before this happened everything was great, I thought that he was the one I would eventually marry. After my brothers death, I noticed he wasn't very supportive, and I think that was because he didn't know what to do... no one really did, but of all people I would expect that he would go out of his way to find out how to be there for me. He didn't.

 

I broke up with him 4 months after my brother passed away. I went travelling for 3 months and loved being away and meeting new people and seeing new opportunities. I had been with other guys, but none that I had really fallen for.

 

Time went by since I had been back from my trip, and Josh and I ended up getting back together, almost exactly a year after we had broken up. Things were going really well and I was happy with him... well, kind of. I get these thoughts of how we want different things in life... I travelled and saw the world, he has been out of Canada once, and that was when I made him go on a trip with me! He doesn't see how life can be different outside of this town. He isn't outgoing, when I try to talk to him about certain things he doesn't communicate. These things all started to drive me MAD.

 

I went away to Europe for a week to visit family and I met a guy. He is really nice, outgoing, worldly, and from what I gather... genuine. But then again, I don't really know him all that well. I have been back from my trip for almost 3 weeks and I have continued to talk to this guy... but I am still with Josh.

 

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my brothers death, it was very difficult. My family and one of my brothers good friends came by last night and we played a game and tried to make a nice evening of it. Josh knew it was a hard day, and I had told him our plans for the evening... asked him to come over. Instead he threw a big party at his house and got drunk. I found this out today and am devestated. I refuse to talk to him. Not only is he unsupportive of the whole situation... but to me it seems that he feels no emotion to the loss of someone so important.... remember, he knew my brother well, as we had been dating for 2 years... My brother really liked Josh.

 

Now I am just so confused... I do love him, but if he can't offer me support in a situation like this, is he worth it?? I know he loves me, but he just doesn't seem to view things the way I do.

Would it be a good idea to persue this guy that I met in Europe?? I am thinking of moving out there to work, so it would be a convience that he is there...

I don't want to make any drastic changes that I will regret... but I guess if it is meant to be, it will....

 

I just don't know, and I just need someone else to give me their opinions... love is so hard.... life is so hard....

[elijahBailey]

you're not married yet, so you still have this thing called 'Choice'. Seriously think about it. Marriage is all about providing emotional support to one another. If the traffic is uni-directional, the marriage will fall apart. You may think he loves you, but there are many who think that love is defined by action and not ruled by self-centeredness. I guess you know what your mind is telling you, but your heart is holding you back.

[Sal Paradise]

You're cheating and you're upset with him for not being there you?

[NYCmitch25]

First off, I'm deeply sorry for your brothers passing, I can empithize with your pain. Even though you told us a lot, I still feel I don't have enough information to determine what was going on, I will give you both points of view and a little info about own experiences.. anyway, thanks for sharing..

 

 

"Before I explain my situation, I know that no one is going to be able to tell me what the right thing to do is, but I woudl really appreciate your unbiased opinion on this..."

 

 

HIS POINT OF VIEW:

I'm going to try to not look at this though the bias of my own experiences... You broke up with him and it really doesn't matter why, it is going to leave some emotional scar on him and it sounds like he hasn't healed yet. In addition, it was over 1 year and 6mos ago when you did so, right? I'm surprised he hasn't gotten over you yet, this boy must still be hurting inside to throw a beer bash to "escape" from his feelings. Anyway, this was a big test of you guys, getting though this event, he being supportive, and it obviously didn't work out. If it's an issue on his part (which it seems it is), I would guess that he is either bitter about the overall experience or is emotionally exibiting some form of arrested development and can't coupe with difficult siturations like breakups or deaths in the family. Maybe a combination of these things? Either way, this guy has baggage, the relationship has serious baggage, I suggest you talk to the guy in Europe and leave this bitter guy in your past. Just remember love is ALSO a four letter word... ;-)

 

 

YOUR POINT OF VIEW:

I was dating this girl for a few years and we went though a couple of rough patches because she was VERY close to her grandparents (were more like her parents) and they both passed away. My situation, I felt I was being very supportive because I would spend time every weekend with the grandparents in the nursing home and at their house. I HATE nursing homes, and they were nice but for a college guy to give up most of his weekends for this is a pretty good sign of commitment. Let me "cut to the chase", I did everything I should for the funerals, and so forth but the end result was this girl told me that I was "unsupportive". She had unrealistic needs for me and my only suggestion to you is to see if he really did the right things or was he really being unsupportive and not unrealistically unsupportive. Doesn't matter though, I don't think you guys can be a successful couple again after all this. moveon.org !

[confused12321]

You're cheating and you're upset with him for not being there you?

 

For the record, I never cheated on Josh... I have been talking to him and really like his personality... I would never be sexual with another man as long as I am in a relationship with someone else.

 

 

 

 

NYCMITCH:

 

Thank you, your point of view really did help. I also wanted to point out that in your situation, to me, it sounds like you were so completely supportive and if Josh had done a quarter of the thiings you did I would be content. He never once asked if he could help with funeral arrangements, we are holding a 2nd annual baseball tournament, to which he has not helped out with at all, knowing that it is very stressful on me, my family and everyone that is involved. You would think that someone so close would want everything to do with something like that...

 

And you are also right that he can't coupe with emotions or deaths... his whole family is very unemotional and don't really talk to each other about things that are going on in each others lives... I am very close to my family.

 

Thanks alot...

[Sal Paradise]

For the record, I never cheated on Josh... I have been talking to him and really like his personality... I would never be sexual with another man as long as I am in a relationship with someone else.

 

I didn't say you physically cheated. I said you cheated. What you did is known as emotionally cheating. Reverse the roles and ask yourself if you would consider it cheating if Josh did it. If you have connected with this guy to the point of even considering leaving Josh for him then you have emotionally crossed a line that many would consider emotional infidelity. Which in many ways is more of a betrayl than physical.