kendahke Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) Where in her thread she said that he specifically said he doesn't her for a gf. He said it was too soon and wants to get to know her first. This guys already said he also won't see any other woman and agreed to being exclusive with her. From OP's first post: he doesn't want to make us official yet is because he finds it "impossible" to break up with a girl, and therefore wants to make sure he wants to be in a relationship with me.That translates to not wanting OP as his girlfriend. It's the not blowing smoke up her behind translation. He gave her no end date/time for when he'll be there. He left it pretty open ended, which leaves him wiggle room to keep OP dangling on the hook. We're empowering her to take the hook out of her cheek and not waste her youth behind someone who can't figure out if he wants to be with her because he wants some guarantees--and life has no guarantees for anything except death. As you were. Edited September 25, 2017 by kendahke
spiderowl Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 It's far too soon for commitment on either side. I can understand his reticence. You don't have to have sex with him. If you are not happy with his level of commitment, then draw back a little. See him, be affectionate, but avoid the sex. Tell him you only want to have sex within a relationship. I don't think he's doing anything out of line. He was probably in touch with various women before he met you. Is he supposed to drop these online friends just like that? He is getting to know you. He is clearly not sure where it is going but seems happy to see you. If he is getting jealous that is also a sign of some attachment. Just don't make assumptions. If there is anything to this relationship (whatever it is), it will survive you drawing back a little. He knows he can't expect everything if you are not happy with the context. Deep down he knows that sex without commitment is at your discretion. Why not carry on dating but keep it a bit less physical, kissing maybe, cuddling, but leave the sex for when you are in the kind of relationship you feel comfortable with. I have nothing against sex in a casual relationship if that's what both parties want. You need to ask yourself what you want and do not hand your whole self over until you feel your needs are respected too. 1
Yumira Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 A title doesn't define a relationship but if he refuses to be called your boyfriend there may be other reasons for it. If you're looking for a serious relationship that may make it a bit more difficult. Maybe you should stop giving him all the good parts of a relationship if he doesn't want to define it as one. Try to spend more time with other people until he made up his mind.
LovelyRose Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) From OP's first post: That translates to not wanting OP as his girlfriend. It's the not blowing smoke up her behind translation. He gave her no end date/time for when he'll be there. He left it pretty open ended, which leaves him wiggle room to keep OP dangling on the hook. We're empowering her to take the hook out of her cheek and not waste her youth behind someone who can't figure out if he wants to be with her because he wants some guarantees--and life has no guarantees for anything except death. As you were. I have a different take on that statement. The way I understand it is that once he is in a full blown committed relationship with someone, like official bf/gf then breaking up for him is impossible. I would guess maybe because that's how much he values a serious relationship that we won't give up easily. That's why he wants to be careful and make sure that he really wants to be with her even after the get to know you phase. Once they know each other's flaws and what not. He gave her no end date/time on when this will end. Can you seriously say that you can tell someone, "oh babe give me at least 3 months and we will become official then?" You can't put a time frame on this. It's not blowing up smoke up her behind. It's being honest and straight forward. Every person process differently. The OP asked the guy to be her bf. Im thinking the guy felt pressured to say yes to her. Because if he really likes her a lot (I believe so) he probably didn't want to embarrass her or make her feel unwanted and just went with the flow in fear of upsetting her. But then once he had more time to think about it, he was honest enough to talk to her about what he really feels. She put him on the spot. Give the guy some slack. I don't understand why everyone on here was so quick to judge the guy. After he retracted the label she asked for them to be exclusive and he agreed on all her terms except for the label of bf/gf in which he explained himself already. With everything that she describes it sounds to me that they are doing fine. But then the OP got obssessed with the label that none of those matters anymore. I'm not defending the guy. Nobody needs to agree with me. I just want to give my fair share of opinion to the OP. She jumped too fast on the label thing and now getting upset because it didn't turn out the way she wants it to be at her own pace. Well it's not just about what she wants and what she feels, it's also about what the guy feels and what he is comfortable with. I used to be like the OP. I said almost exactly the same as she said. Before my bf and I became official we had a tiny bump too. He got scared when i discussed the label subject with him. He did something that made me think he was asking me to be his gf indirectly. So I opened up the subject. Turns out I was wrong and I ended up scaring him and making him feel pressured. But I didn't focus on the label. I didn't focus just on the negative that was present at that time. I also focused on all the great things he has and great things he had shown me. Our first few months wasn't easy. That's why I got here. But I am glad I stayed with him. He really just needed more time. To move forward and temporarily forget about our label I told myself I will give him about a year, considering we are doing this LDR from the get go, to make me his official gf. Well, we became official even before we hit 6 months. All I can say for the OP is just follow her instincts. If she didn't leave any important details on this thread, then I don't see any problem here. She just got impatient and focused on the label. Important things like this can't be rushed. It has to happen naturally. I would rather continue and take the risk. Her chance of failing this is just as equal as them becoming a happy couple down the road. If she ends it now, she may live with all the "what if" in her head for a while. I've rushed things in the past quite a lot and always end up crashing. This time around, my bf has thought me a whole new experience and I am very happy with it. Taking things slowly but surely isn't all that bad. Edited September 25, 2017 by LovelyRose 1
fiskadoro Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 If he retracted the boyfriend title, you need to retract the sex. It sounds like he just dressed up a booty call, to be honest. If you don't want to stop dating him completely, then stop with the sex, don't spend the night. Hang out and get to know each other, it's still a very young relationship. If he balks, tell him that you don't go the booty-call route. But recognize that at that point all you are doing is basically waiting for him to decide if he wants to fully respect you or not, when that is a decision you ought to be leading the charge on. Is it hard to find men where you are? If not, and you have time to date, don't hang on just because you don't want to be alone. As it is, you kinda already are.
Recommended Posts