He retracted the boyfriend title

[LunaMoon]

I've been dating a guy for almost 4 weeks now. We have spent a total of 11 days together in that time, I usually spend about 2-4 nights with him every time I see him because we live about 1.5 hours away from each other. He's the one who offers me to stay that long, so I never feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. We already act like boyfriend and girlfriend (examples: holding hands, going out places, he opens the door for me, we're intimate, long passionate stares, very affectionate, literally do everything like a bf gf would, get along great). So about a week ago I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend officially since it really seemed like he was falling in love with me, he'd text me every single day all day long and still does.

 

 

He agreed to be my boyfriend, but then the next time I saw him, he retracted that saying it was too soon and he wanted to get to know me better. It was honestly very disappointing to hear him say that, and now I'm in this weird limbo phase with him where we're acting just like bf and gf, but we're not. I told him I wasn't really okay with that because I don't know where I stand with him, and he said he didn't really know how to respond to that. I told him I didn't want to be friends with benefits and I didn't want to wait forever until he decides to make things official (I normally wouldn't be saying this stuff, but we're literally acting like a couple anyway we just don't have the title which is weird to me and puts me in a place that sucks.)

 

 

I asked him if he's seeing anyone else or if he wants to, and he said no. He said he really likes me. I said ok well please don't have sex with anyone else because I probably would stop seeing you - he said ok I wont. He also got really jealous when some guy texted me, so I know he doesn't want me seeing anyone else too. I asked him when he stopped talking to other girls and he said about 2 weeks ago - this shocked me because that means he was acting like he was falling in love with me but still flirting with other girls. I don't know if I can trust him. This is really bothering me.

 

 

I feel so confused now. What am I to him? He also said the main reason why he doesn't want to make us official yet is because he finds it "impossible" to break up with a girl, and therefore wants to make sure he wants to be in a relationship with me. Where does this leave me?? Am I just supposed to take his word that he wont see other women? How long am I supposed to wait and continue acting like a girlfriend and falling in love with him?? This makes me really sad. I don't understand why the title freaks him out so much.

[Gr8fuln2020]

He doesn't want to feel, be fully committed. He was seeing/communicating other girls while with you. He's not finished looking and attaching the bf/gf tag will make it more difficult to justify his potential yearning to communicate and contact other girls that's why he withdrew.

[Ieris]

What am I to him?

 

An option

 

Where does this leave me??

 

Hanging

 

How long am I supposed to wait and continue acting like a girlfriend and falling in love with him??

 

Don't act like his girlfriend, why are you giving him all the benefits when he isn't even committed? He knows what you want but he isn't there yet or may not want the same thing so pull right back so you can minimize getting hurt.

[Lorenza]

It usually never ends well when things move forward this fast. It gets way too overwhelming and rushed either for one part or both. It's only been 1 month, you two should still be getting to know each other and not rushing into a commited relationship. It's seems like a common mistake people make nowadays - skipping the very essential and necessary stages of dating and diving straight into acting like gf and bf. Works for some, but for the majority it doesn't.

 

I'm not sure how to fix your situation since you've gone passed the dating stage you should be at right now and it's usually hard to retract after you've already started spending all your time at home. The only thing you can do is to not put pressure on him. He's already questioning if this pace is really right for him so you pushing him to make it official might be the last drop.

 

If this doesn't work out, make sure to date for as long as you can before it all moves to various bf gf scenarios, like spending days at his place etc. 1 month is a very short time knowing a person. Think about all the other people in your life and how long you've known them - 1 month is nothing.

[d0nnivain]

On some level it sounds like you are both hung up on labels. If you like the behavior, give it another 4 weeks without the label, assuming you trust that he's being honest when he says there is no one else.

 

I'd be concerned about the waffling, not just because of the painful subject but I can't stand indecisive people. When the subject initially arose if he said, not yet, it's too soon, I'd give him credit for being candid. But for him to say yes to BF then take it back seems spineless & cowardly, like a man who doesn't know himself. That is one of my hot button issues so it makes me disproportionately annoyed.

 

His reasoning is also idiotic. He's in this whether he gives you the title or not. Just because he stopped using the word doesn't mean a break up would be any less painful or dramatic. It might be more so given his poor behavior.

 

Honestly when I read this I felt like I was reading an old script from the TV show, The Nanny -- Mr. Schefield told Fran he loved her when they thought a transatlantic flight was about to crash; then he took it back when they landed. That TV couple ended up married so there is some hope but it was a contrived TV show.

[Cookiesandough]

Find someone closer. It's so easy for this guy. You come to his house and stay over like a part time chick and he's back to being a a single dude when you leave town. No surprise he was talking to other girls while you were dating

Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Mike B.]

The title really doesn't define the relationship. The very nature of the relationship does. Essentially, you two were in a relationship considering how you described it and he should be held to the same standards of a couple who verbally defined their exclusive relationship. The problem is defining exactly when the relationship occurred because he was talking to women a couple of weeks ago and technocally you can't really pin anything against him for that time.

 

I cannot help but wonder if you are leaving something out here. Are you trivializing an argument you two had that would make him retract the title in order to win our favor in this discussion and protect yourself from criticism? Did he find the guy texting you first then became concerned about a potential heartbreak and began to put up a shield around his heart? I get the feeling thst we do not have all of the important pieces here.

[stillafool]

It means you should move it along because he does not want to be your bf. You don't want to be a FWB so what else can you do but move on to another guy. It's over.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop behaving like his girlfriend. You two have different ideas about what all this together-time meant: for you, it was relationship-like. For him, it was fun and enjoyable, but he wasn't viewing it quite the same way. He was still talking to other girls, which isn't unusual this early on, but he didn't feel you interpreted this to mean he wanted to be your boyfriend.

[BaileyB]

You've known the guy for less than four weeks... That's one month! Way too soon to be staying over 2-4 nights a week, calling him your boyfriend, and thinking that this relationship is going to go the distance.

 

Have fun with the guy, get to know him, and see what happens. Boundaries are good - don't have sex with him if he is dating and or having sex with other girls. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Just because he says he isn't dating or sleeping with other doesn't mean he isn't...it could be lies and telling you what you want to hear.

 

IMO, if it doesn't feel right , it's not. My past experience, the guy was kicked to the curb. I know it's very tempting to stick it out, but it's so not worth it when he has that kind of attitude about it.

[kendahke]

We already act like boyfriend and girlfriend (examples: holding hands, going out places, he opens the door for me, we're intimate, long passionate stares, very affectionate, literally do everything like a bf gf would,

 

This is called "milk, no cow bought".

 

Instead of acting, you needed to be clear on being first.

 

Assuming without first verifying with him that that is what he wanted you to be is where you messed up. Don't act like a girlfriend unless the guy says he wants you to be that. Truth be told, FWB/NSA's get this very same perk without the emotional investments.

 

I agree with Smackie--don't stick it out with him while he goes about his life 90 minutes away and out of your line of sight because trust me, he's hardly stopping seeing girls who are logistically more attractive than someone who is an hour and a half to two hours away in good traffic.

 

This arrangement you've got with him is cool if all you want is to be FWB/NSA--no harm, no foul. It's not cool if you're looking for a relationship, you've told him as much before your panties were at your ankles, then he's let you go ahead and play the role then snatches you up a notch after the fact when you ask for it in writing.

[LunaMoon]

It doesn't make sense to just stop seeing him though, that would leave me with nothing since I really like this guy...and its only been 1 month. By the way to the person who asked if there was a fight - no, there wasn't.

 

 

He did clarify further today when I asked him about this. He said he "doesn't fall easily anymore." and when I asked him if he at least had feelings for me, he said "Yes, and I like you." He said he was NOT going to have sex with anyone else (he said this multiple times in our conversation). I really believe he's acting this way because we've only known each other for a short amount of time and he wants to get to know me better - ok that's fine, I understand.

 

 

I think what I'm going to do, is to give him a little more time - like 2-3 more months and if he's still not sure about a stupid title then I'll make my decision to walk away. I just think cutting my losses now would be pointless.

 

 

Also, its very hard to stop acting like a girlfriend (i.e. affectionate) when that's how we've acted every time we see each other and if I stop acting affectionate I think that would do more harm than good.

 

 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for a little while. The alternative is to lose him and I'm not interested in anyone else right now. At least he said he has feelings for me and he won't sleep with anyone else - that's the most I could ask for after 11 days spent together...right?

[Cookiesandough]

You have nothing? so get something! Get something better. You're a smart, beautiful, single (he's not taking it off the market) woman trying to get strung along for a few more months by this guy playing the field... but alright

Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

It doesn't make sense to just stop seeing him though, that would leave me with nothing since I really like this guy...and its only been 1 month. By the way to the person who asked if there was a fight - no, there wasn't.

 

He did clarify further today when I asked him about this. He said he "doesn't fall easily anymore." and when I asked him if he at least had feelings for me, he said "Yes, and I like you." He said he was NOT going to have sex with anyone else (he said this multiple times in our conversation). I really believe he's acting this way because we've only known each other for a short amount of time and he wants to get to know me better - ok that's fine, I understand.

 

I think what I'm going to do, is to give him a little more time - like 2-3 more months and if he's still not sure about a stupid title then I'll make my decision to walk away. I just think cutting my losses now would be pointless.

 

Also, its very hard to stop acting like a girlfriend (i.e. affectionate) when that's how we've acted every time we see each other and if I stop acting affectionate I think that would do more harm than good.

 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for a little while. The alternative is to lose him and I'm not interested in anyone else right now. At least he said he has feelings for me and he won't sleep with anyone else - that's the most I could ask for after 11 days spent together...right?

 

You have placed yourself in an awkward position. His claim that he doesn't fall easily anymore is silly. What he's really saying is that he won't 'commit' to you or anyone as quickly. People often argue that labels don't matter, but they do. They matter b/c someone believes that a declared status reflects some kind of commitment. When people argue that it shouldn't matter, the question should be then "why not use a label if it doesn't mean anything?" It matters and his response to you clearly indicates that it means 'something' to him.

 

What he is doing is letting you know that at any minute you can be yesterday's news. He may tell you that he won't have sex with anyone else, but I suspect it's b/c he hasn't found anyone else to have sex with.

 

I would step back if I were you. Treat him like someone you are just getting to know, but leaving your options open. I wouldn't trust him.

[joseb]

Personally I haven't asked anyone to "be my girlfriend" since high school.

And I've had plenty of serious girlfriend's since high school.

So I for one don't understand the label thing.

[HiCrunchy]

As you can see from the multiple responses here, labels are important to some and not others.

 

Labels for you (and me) are important and I don't think you should compromise that for anyone, especially someone that you have only known for a months. I have seen too many of my girl friends being "involved" with men for long periods of time without a label, and when they finally bring it up they get hit with the "we were just friends line" after being stringed along...

 

With my last ex it only took him a week to commit to me. He had dating me for 2 weeks up to that point though we had been talking a little before that. (Yes I think he and I moved a little fast but that is another story).

 

I think one month in is enough time to be discussing labels. If he is not going to sleep with anyone else, why does not having the label matter? Its like trying to get out of being accountable if he does sleep with someone else. I'd step back a bit. If he doesn't want a girlfriend then I wouldn't be treating him like a boyfriend. My point is if a man wants to commit to you then he will. Don't compromise yourself on this because you will get hurt in the end. Just my 2 cents.

 

Though I am just a stranger on the internests, what do I know?

[Cookiesandough]

Personally I haven't asked anyone to "be my girlfriend" since high school.

And I've had plenty of serious girlfriend's since high school.

So I for one don't understand the label thing.

 

But if one of your girlfriends asked you if you were boyfriend would you say "yes" and then say "nvm I can't be your boyfriend" . Because that smacks of someone that uses labels or at least places some meaning on them

[Gr8fuln2020]

Personally I haven't asked anyone to "be my girlfriend" since high school.

And I've had plenty of serious girlfriend's since high school.

So I for one don't understand the label thing.

 

Labels are very important. I have never had to deal with any woman wondering if I was her bf or not. But, that label is a commitment to exclusivity. Look at it that way. She wanted to know if he was her bf. In other words, if he/she were exclusive. He essentially said no and this guy understands the significance of rescinding his bf status.

 

I probably agree that most people are not seeking bf/gf labels, rather, exclusivity. Having that discussion on exclusivity is enough for most.

[angel.eyes]

We already act like boyfriend and girlfriend (examples: holding hands, going out places, he opens the door for me, we're intimate, long passionate stares, very affectionate, literally do everything like a bf gf would, get along great). So about a week ago I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend officially since it really seemed like he was falling in love with me, he'd text me every single day all day long and still does.

 

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you're describing two horny people who sleep together and are in limerance. That has little to do with wanting a relationship.

 

LTRs and BF/GF are about commitment, exclusivity, and seeing or exploring a potential future with someone. Let's look at where he stands on those:

 

• Exclusivity?
  No! He has been seeing other women while being intimate with you, at least until two weeks ago. You had no idea this was going on. Since he's essentially long-distance, you still have no idea what he's doing when you aren't there. Just his claim that he hasn't for two weeks. FWIW, a man sleeping with other women while dating you is a guy playing the field, not acting like BF/GF.
   
  
• Commitment?
  Also, a big fat no. He agreed to be then retracted the whole BF concept because he "doesn't know you well enough." So, he knows you well enough to sleep with you and let you spend days at his, but not well enough to commit or want a relationship with you. That's not acting like BF/GF. Long passionate stares, holding hands, being affectionate, texting = foreplay. Most guys are smart enough to engage in foreplay with someone new. If they didn't make you feel special, they would get nowhere. It has nothing to do with wanting to be your boyfriend. Nor does it mean he's falling in love with you.
   
  
• Potential future?
  This is also currently a "no." First, he's clear that he doesn't know you well enough. Then, he "doesn't fall easily." Then the whopper, he "finds it impossible to break up with a girl." (Is he even currently single???)
   
  Also, him telling you that he didn't know what to say when you pressed him on this-and told him you didn't just want to be FWB = he would rather lose you and sleeping with you than restrict his (local) options
  

 

I told him I wasn't really okay with that because I don't know where I stand with him, and he said he didn't really know how to respond to that. I told him I didn't want to be friends with benefits and I didn't want to wait forever until he decides to make things official (I normally wouldn't be saying this stuff, but we're literally acting like a couple anyway we just don't have the title which is weird to me and puts me in a place that sucks.)

Kudos on having a frank conversation and telling him exactly what you want. Now, even though it's not what you hoped to hear, you need to listen to what he told you. If you stick around after telling him you want the commitment and don't want to just be FWB, then you're essentially telling him that your words are meaningless and you're okay with no commitment and being just FWB. Bargaining with yourself and hoping that after another two months of your great loving, he'll fall completely for you, come to his senses, buckle under, and make you his GF is simply stringing yourself along. Remember, "he doesn't fall easily." In another two months from now, you'll be even more emotionally invested and kicking those goalposts and unstated deadlines even further in the future.

 

I feel so confused now. What am I to him?

You're confused because you conflate a guy liking you and wanting to sleep with you with the guy wanting a relationship with you. Some guys have no problems sleeping with women that they have no intention of pursuing a relationship with. This guy has a few red flags.

 

Honestly, given some of the outlandish excuses he threw at you, his agreeing to, then rescinding the whole BF/GF thing, and the fact that he is long-distance, I think you're wasting your time hanging around hoping you become his girlfriend someday. Cut your losses and look for someone local. As painful and unpalatable as that seems right now, it will ultimately be the easier choice.

 

Also, please get tested for STIs.

[joseb]

But if one of your girlfriends asked you if you were boyfriend would you say "yes" and then say "nvm I can't be your boyfriend" . Because that smacks of someone that uses labels or at least places some meaning on them

 

That's a good question. I can't remember if any of them asked in so many words. I think.it evolved naturally.

But if they did, I'd probably say sure call me whatever.

 

You are right though, if I then change my mind it would mean the label is important. So it's not a great sign that he said yes and then said no.

[act00]

I have to pretty much echo everything angel.eyes said. I think you have some ideas of what constitutes a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, as if holding hands, kissing, affection, laughing, talking and connecting, and sex are exclusive ONLY to people who have made this full out commitment. And you also know this is not reality, but you seem to be creating a disconnect in your mind somewhere. Non-committed people do all those same things.

 

You and this guy seem to be on separate planes as far as what you want in a relationship, and I applaud you for spelling out what you want and expect. You can't force him to fall in line with your expectations, and you've only been going out for a month. He'll do it when he's ready, and it appears right now, he's not. It will only lead to heartbreak when he backtracks and moves backwards. This has already happened.

 

If he's not in the same place as you, you have to make the choice to either stick it out and accept that he wants to play the field, and go with it, or separate yourself from him because he's just not in that place you are.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting and expecting exclusivity after four weeks, but the guy you're seeing has to be on the same page as you, and if he's not, it's time to turn the page. It hurts, but it hurts more knowing that when you're not around, he could very well be with another woman and dipping his stick into other places, and he's holding hands, touching, kissing, talking, and doing things that girlfriends and boyfriends and married people do and all the things that you and him do when you're together.

 

He's not in the same place you are when it comes to relationships, so it's probably time to cut your losses. He'll be a wonderful memory, and it stinks that didn't work out. Have yourself a really good cry and get back out there, seeking Mr. Right. Take the positives with you and learn from the negatives.

 

Shop local.

[kendahke]

Totally co-sign angel.eyes' #20 post.

 

He's keeping his local options open because as of two weeks ago, he was still chasing other girls. Keeping you at bay, emotionally, is his way of being able to say when you round on him after having slept with him and done all the girlfriendy things with him "I already told you I didn't want the label of being your boyfriend. Why can't we enjoy where we are without labels?"

 

So what does that make your relationship? It makes it a FWB. In fact, you're an out of town FWB that has to be scheduled and coordinated with. It's not like you live 15 minutes east of him like whoever he was dealing with 2 weeks ago behind your back.

 

angel.eyes' very apt point:

If you stick around after telling him you want the commitment and don't want to just be FWB, then you're essentially telling him that your words are meaningless and you're okay with no commitment and being just FWB.

 

If you discount yourself, don't be surprised when he deals with you as discount because you are showing him that you will devalue yourself in order to have him.

 

Like I said earlier, if all you want is an itch scratched/FWB/NSA, then "no harm, no foul"; but don't think that because of how you see things that he's seeing things the exact same way because he isn't and he's letting you know while also machining future sex and perks out of you.

 

You've talked to him and told him what your terms are. He's let you know that he's not on board, but you are welcome to continue seeing him on his terms. Your terms have been nullified if you continue because that means you accept his terms in order to not be alone.

[stillafool]

 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for a little while. The alternative is to lose him and I'm not interested in anyone else right now. At least he said he has feelings for me and he won't sleep with anyone else - that's the most I could ask for after 11 days spent together...right?

 

Why are you so afraid to lose someone who has told you he doesn't want you as a gf?

[LovelyRose]

Why are you so afraid to lose someone who has told you he doesn't want you as a gf?

 

 

 

Where in her thread she said that he specifically said he doesn't her for a gf. He said it was too soon and wants to get to know her first. This guys already said he also won't see any other woman and agreed to being exclusive with her.