sadfish Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 I'm new here, but i've been reading over some of the threads and while i feel a similarity with quite a few of them, i have a specific issue i'd like some advice on. About a month ago, my ex and i broke up after a 4 month relationship that was challenging and intense, but something i just accounted to well, typical relationship issues. Long story short, he broke up with me saying that he couldn't give me what he *thinks* i'm looking for, although he seemed to be doing just fine in my eyes. Anyway, he broke up with me, saying that he still wants to be friends, that he does care for me, that he really doesn't want me out of his life, but he's just not in *that* place where he can focus on a relationship. He was in 2 rather long relationships before me, and while i understand that it takes time to get over something that major, i don't necessarily feel that he gave us a proper chance because he was still trying to get over the previous one. Ok, so fine, we break up, i give him the space he needs, but he was still calling me everyday, we'd have very lengthy conversations about our relationship, he let me vent, says he didn't mind cos he knows i need to let it out, but then he throws the whole friend thing at me again, with the "we both need to do what we have to to get past this..." that "it's important for me to have you in my life" and that he "needs time to just be alone." Well, 3 weeks later he's dating after he had told me that he wouldn't be doing so for a long time, so naturally i felt betrayed on a certain level and very hurt and confused. So, i confronted him about it and again, he said "whatever happens happens" but is STILL calling me, checking in on me, and is pursuing this friendship that HE wants. I go between wanting him in my life and wanting to stop all contact with him, but when i honestly think about it, i really want him back, yet he's still going out casually with other people, and i know there isn't anything i can do about it. Every Saturday night i feel sick knowing that he's going out and resuming his single guy liefstyle. I've gone out with drinks with a couple of guys in the meantime, but i feel like i'm not ready to really try dating someone else cos i'm so confused about my feelings for him and his actions (calling me, IMing me, etc). I gave him all his stuff back, but he's yet to give me my things back, and hasn't made any attempt to. I just feel so pushed away, but pulled in because of his actions. This weekend though is the first time we've never talked to each other, and i guess i'm in slight panic mode because i'm trying to give him the space that he needs and wants, and trying to give MYSELF the space i need as well, but i'm sitting here feeling very hurt and scared that he's not contacted me Total contradiction, i know. I want him back, but i know he needs time to sort out whatever it is he's searching for, and i know that i can't just wait around for him, but going out with other people right now doesn't feel right to me, like i'm just phoning it in. Soooooo, any advice/thoughts about how i should approach this? Should i just let things go as they are, not call him (although he said to me this past week that i can call him whenever i want and that it goes both ways--cos he calls me), do the whole NC thing? I just fear that he'll start thinking i don't want him to contact me if i don't respond I'm at a loss here...
heartnsoul Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Honestly, being 'friends' isn't a good idea right now IMHO Your feelings are still very raw and the fact that he's dating is only going to hurt you that much more. I'm in a similar situation and it's been almost 3 weeks of NC and it's hard and very painful. My feeling on the matter is.....you need to back away from him and 1 of 2 things could happen A. He'll miss you and come to a realization and B. If he doesnt', you'll be on the road to recovery. My feelings regarding the whole 'friend' thing after a break up is the dumper simply trying to eleviate some of the feelings of guilt. Not always the case but probably more often than not. You need to do what's best for YOU!! As I'm trying right now to do what's best for me and I know it's hard. Some days I wonder how I'm gonna make it thru to the next w/out hearing from him BUT I do and it'll only get easier as time passes. Keep your chin up and know that if it's meant to be, it will be. You're not alone.
karatekid Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 I think this person is trying to keep you on the back burner. He'll keep you holding on just enough to give you hope...........just in case. He is being very selfish. Do you think he has asked himself "Is this arrangement working for her?"? No two stories on this site are exactly the same but a lot are similar. I can relate to your statement: I go between wanting him in my life and wanting to stop all contact with him, but when i honestly think about it, i really want him back The difference with me is my ex cut off contact out of the blue and refuses to speak to me for no reason.Lately I've tried to go out with other girls and it has had the opposite effect than what I wanted. I made me miss her even more.-sigh The question is what do you do?Advice is easy to give but hard to follow. When someone pulls away the instinct is to shower them w/ affection. But you have to try pull away also. People like your ex need to understand what the may be losing. You have to try to be indifferent toward him even it is not the way you really feel. Fake it till you make. Being in a situation like yours makes you feel powerless. You want him back but the only way he should be in your life is if the situation is working for both of you. Love makes you think and do stupid stuff, I know. This advice is easy to say would I follow it? I would try. You have the problem of him saying you can call whenever. Would I?Yes but I would regret it I'm sure. How do you feel when you do talk to him? Better?..........your probably more confused when you hang up.It's a very tough call you could be setting your self up for more heartache. I would be stupid and hang in there to the bitter end. The key word is "bitter". TRY to distant yourself and see what develops. Read my post and let me know if you have any suggestions for my problem... -KARATEKID
Author sadfish Posted August 15, 2005 Author Posted August 15, 2005 Thanks, guys, for your responses I agree with both of you, i do think it's some guilt on his part, but i also think that he's trying to hold onto me for some reason. I just don't understand how seeing someone else so soon after the break up when he said that he wants to be alone is being alone...?!! I'll never get men! All i know is that i've got to figure out things for myself as well, so i've been reading up on how i can take care of ME and move forward emotionally, as well as physically, in time, but to devote some time to myself and what i really want out of this appointed friendship, and what i ultimately want out of any other relationship that i might have. It's hard to let go of things when they are decided by one person--and what really irks me is that he and i had EXCELLENT communication about our feelings the whole time!! It wasn't totally unexpected, the break up, but i guess i didn't think that he would give in so easily and just make the decision without me!! I know that sometimes people find the pressure of being in a relationship too much, but i wasn't the type of person that needed to see/be/hear from him every single day. HE was the one who called me EVERY DAY from the beginning, so i got used to it, relied on it, in fact. Now that he's not...well, it makes me sad, but i guess it's the natural deterioration of the relationship I don't know what to tell you, karatekid, about her not contacting you without a reason. That sucks too, i've been there with another ex...just leaves you hanging like WTF?! That ex and i would have a stupid fight, usually about something i was right about, and he would just stop talking to me for months (he lived 3000 miles away, so i know it's not the same kind of situation, and i guess that made it slightly easier, unfortunately) Left me confused and aggrevated a lot, but i just did what i had to do in that time, which was take care of ME. All you can really do is what the rest of us have to do, is carry on with our own lives, put ourselves first for once, and realise everything (though incredibly painful and confusing) happens for a reason, and that it's up to US on how it affects our life... Good luck to you!
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