Hit it off hugely but then just friends...

[Mysterious One]

I never expected to find myself on a site like this but... I think I just need objective viewpoints on recent events as I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing.

 

So I'll start with a little backstory... I was with the same woman for 15 years. We've been married for over 13. There were a lot of things wrong in the marriage and years ago I emotionally moved on after she cheated. We've been separated for over four months now and the divorce has been filed. But it's not yet finalized. However, last month I decided I'm ready to start poking around on the online dating sites (which I've never done before) and see who's out there. Anyone I talked to I always prefaced my situation with them before pursuing.

 

I'll try to keep the story to the highlights but there's a lot I have to disclose... so I met someone so freaking amazing over two weeks ago. This woman - words just can't describe her. Perfect to me in every way. I don't want to use her real name so I'll call her "S". We hit things off hugely. S and I talked online the first day for over 13 hours until she went to bed. Some of the things we talked about were adventures we wanted to go on together. She brought up going canoeing down a river and camping, road trips, etc. It was just so unreal how quickly things escalated.

 

Both of us were giddy and so excited to talk to each other. The next day I asked her if she wanted to meet and she said yes. I gave her my cell # and we texted all day long. Some of the things S brought up were the fact we both were Libras and she sent a screenshot of Libra romantic compatibility. I was just floored by her. She said I was cute and then I sent her a pic of what I was wearing so she could spot me easier and she said "sexy man."

 

We met, spent over three hours together at a restaurant. We chatted, laughed, and chatted some more. I'm an introvert and usually am a bit shy and I rarely feel comfortable around people I'm just meeting. I felt absolutely comfortable with her it was unreal. We had a good time and at the end of the night we embraced. She's a dog walker/pet sitter and was pet sitting at this house. She also brought her dogs with her and her older dog just started exhibiting symptoms where he was having problems breathing. She was worried about him or we would've stayed longer.

 

The next day we didn't chat nearly as much as we did the first two days. In fact, at one point I was starting to think I scared her away. Well, turns out she just had anxiety getting back out there dating again (I was the first guy she met in about a year since her last boyfriend). She asked to hang out that night so we did. We grabbed a bite to eat then went to a bar near the house she was sitting at. We had some drinks and a good time, lots of good conversation, laughter, etc. at one point she had me dancing and was feeding me jalapeno poppers. The way she smiled at me when I returned from the bathroom just pierced my soul.

 

So after a bit, we go to the house and it's late, 1 AM. I have to get up for work at 6. But she introduces me to the dogs and her older dog starts struggling and she sits on the kitchen floor and starts crying. I sit next to her and I just completely lose it. I'm crying with her, trying to comfort her and her dog at the same time. Eventually we start talking again for a while until 2:30. As I was leaving, we embraced for a while, over a minute at least. I head for the door and she comes in for a second embrace. It felt wonderful...

 

She has a daughter and the next two days I didn't get to see her because she had her daughter with her. That Sunday we got back together and had yet another amazing time together. We hit up a few pubs, I grabbed her hand and we held hands when we walked to a restaurant. Then we went back to the house and had some drinks, played cribbage, chatted, laughed, etc. We were pretty flirty with each other that night. I put my arm around her at one point and rested my head on her shoulder. Kissed her forehead too. She fell asleep on the couch so I covered her up with a blanket, quietly left and made sure the door was locked on my way out.

 

The next day (Monday) we went to the movies but we were so exhausted from the night before. She gave me a kiss on my neck when we greeted each other and hugged. I grabbed her hand and we held hands for a bit during the movie. The date was fine, we just called it a night after the movie because we were both so tired.

 

I was flying high from the date on Sunday still as it was just so amazing. Tuesday morning I texted her and told her I want to date only her as I wasn't interested in anyone else. Well I didn't hear from her all day so I texted and apologized if it made her feel rushed. She said it did make her feel a little bit rushed. But we texted a while Tuesday and things seemed ok. Although she was concerned with the distance as she lives about 45 min away and where she's pet sitting it's only 15 min away.

 

Anywho, she had her daughter again for the next few days so I didn't see her. We get back together on Friday and again, we had another amazing time together. We went out to eat at a bar, had some drinks, and went back to the house. We drank some wine and played cribbage. She fell asleep on me yet again so I covered her up and left.

 

Saturday I helped her with something in the morning briefly then we were supposed to go to a brew fest that night. Unfortunately she didn't make it because she just had too much to do. I understood and told her not to worry. She felt really bad.

 

We didn't get back together until this past Wednesday. This time she's done with the pet sitting so we met up near where she lived and ate some dinner. We went back to her house and had some drinks and just talked and laughed like we normally would. Now, her dog had just passed away the day before and she was pretty upset. I brought her flowers and a card. I wrote something special in the card. She loved it.

 

She fell asleep on me again (yes this is a trend now lol) so I quietly leave, locking the door behind me as always. She texted me on the drive home asking when I had left and to drive home safe. She sent me a couple more texts.

 

I get home and read them. My heart just shattered to pieces... I think she wanted to tell me when I was there, but she said she's just not ready to date and that she only wants to be friends. She deleted her account on the online dating site we met on and she apologized saying she thought she was ready but she just needs to find herself. I get it, she does have a lot going on in her life, but I thought, even though we were moving very slow, that things were amazing between us.

 

She went on to say I'm an amazing person and she wants me to be in her life. She asked me to not be mad at her and to please be her friend. I told her I wasn't mad and that I will be her friend. I couldn't imagine my life without her now that I met her.

 

But last night after dealing with my emotions (yeah I cried like a baby - I'm a sensitive guy) and thinking on things, I told her that I'm heartbroken. I need time to heal and we shouldn't hang out for a little while. She said she understood. Haven't talked since. Although she went out of town for the weekend and left this morning.

 

I'm just devastated. I blame myself for allowing me to fall hard for her despite knowing she wanted to take it slow. We have never kissed. We only held hands a few times and we've embraced a lot. Nothing sexual happened or anything remotely like it. I don't know how to take it. I don't know if I had anything to do with her decision and I'm not sure how to go on from here. I want to be her friend no matter what, but what if I am stuck with these feelings for her and we don't ever date again? I need time to deal with these emotions but I'm just at a loss...... looking for any advice.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is she the first person you've dated since getting back out there?

[Mysterious One]

Is she the first person you've dated since getting back out there?

 

I dated someone before her but we just didn't have a connection. When I met S, I was blindsided by how much we clicked and connected as it was completely unexpected.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My advice is to not tell her again how devastated and heartbroken you are. Keep in very casual touch with her (like once a week), date other women, and if/when she's ready and is interested in you as a boyfriend, she will let you know. There isn't anything more you can do, and she isn't the only earthling you'll connect with, I promise . You sound like a sweet guy.

[Mysterious One]

My advice is to not tell her again how devastated and heartbroken you are. Keep in very casual touch with her (like once a week), date other women, and if/when she's ready and is interested in you as a boyfriend, she will let you know. There isn't anything more you can do, and she isn't the only earthling you'll connect with, I promise . You sound like a sweet guy.

 

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I'm just a sensitive guy with a big heart. Never meant to fall for her as hard as I did. I guess sometimes **** happens. But I'll get through it. Thanks again.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are hurting. I do understand.

 

It was early days and by the sound of it you fell for her before she was even thinking in terms of commitment. She probably just wanted to meet guys, get to know them, and then see how things went. I feel this because that's what I wanted. Instead, I get guys who expect commitment from the second date. This is all too soon. I know you can't help your feelings but I'm sure she could sense you were getting so attached and if she did not feel so bonded to you she would have been concerned.

 

Bonding is a strange thing: it can happen suddenly and quickly - like with you - or it can develop after months of friendship. What do you do if someone appears to want commitment and romance when you are still just enjoying their friendship? You feel responsible and back out of course.

 

You sounds like a great guy. I agree with the other poster that it is best to back off and meet others. If you still want this woman, keep in touch but in a light-hearted occasional way. Do not make her feel responsible for your feelings of attachment. She cannot help not feeling the same herself. Give her chance to miss you but at the same time, try to move on and have fun with other women. She may try to rebuild a relationship with you, once the emotional pressure is taken off her, or she may just not want a relationship right now. She just lost her beloved pet and that is going to affect her. She probably knows that she is not mentally in the right place to give you what you want at the moment. She wants to be friends. I think that is a good sign actually. She is not cutting you off, just distancing herself a bit. Give her chance to recover but don't wait around either.

[Sweetfish]

You took too long to kiss her and close.

 

most often a female is not going to make the move. You have to make the move. In some cases that's not always true.

 

Some of the things S brought up were the fact we both were Libras and she sent a screenshot of Libra romantic compatibility.

She said I was cute and then I sent her a pic of what I was wearing so she could spot me easier and she said "sexy man."

at one point she had me dancing and was feeding me jalapeno poppers

We were pretty flirty with each other that night.Kissed her forehead too

She gave me a kiss on my neck

You had a thousand clues that she wanted you to take the lead and that is why her attraction to you was most likely lost, but the real question is why are you with a single mother, who just recently broke up with her boyfriend and you are still legally married and filing a divorce. Sounds like your putting your self in a complicated emotional situation.

[Mysterious One]

I am sorry you are hurting. I do understand.

 

It was early days and by the sound of it you fell for her before she was even thinking in terms of commitment. She probably just wanted to meet guys, get to know them, and then see how things went. I feel this because that's what I wanted. Instead, I get guys who expect commitment from the second date. This is all too soon. I know you can't help your feelings but I'm sure she could sense you were getting so attached and if she did not feel so bonded to you she would have been concerned.

 

Bonding is a strange thing: it can happen suddenly and quickly - like with you - or it can develop after months of friendship. What do you do if someone appears to want commitment and romance when you are still just enjoying their friendship? You feel responsible and back out of course.

 

You sounds like a great guy. I agree with the other poster that it is best to back off and meet others. If you still want this woman, keep in touch but in a light-hearted occasional way. Do not make her feel responsible for your feelings of attachment. She cannot help not feeling the same herself. Give her chance to miss you but at the same time, try to move on and have fun with other women. She may try to rebuild a relationship with you, once the emotional pressure is taken off her, or she may just not want a relationship right now. She just lost her beloved pet and that is going to affect her. She probably knows that she is not mentally in the right place to give you what you want at the moment. She wants to be friends. I think that is a good sign actually. She is not cutting you off, just distancing herself a bit. Give her chance to recover but don't wait around either.

 

Thank you for your insight and advice. I wanted to take things slow myself, in fact I make that clear on my profile that I want to start with friendship and see where things go from there. What happened with S was completely unexpected. I was blindsided with feelings after meeting her in person for the first time. She made it clear after our first date she had anxiety getting out in the dating scene again and wanted to take things slow. I agreed and I let her do most of the driving. While I initiated our first date, she initiated all the dates that followed. I might've hinted once or twice "I could use a drink" but she did the asking. I wanted her to be comfortable and let her take us where she thought we needed to be - if that makes sense.

 

I never made her feel responsible for my feelings. I've told her that it's my fault I allowed myself to get hurt. She didn't force me to feel this way. I don't blame her for anything and I'm not mad at her. I have the utmost respect for her and if she just wants to be friends, I will be her friend. I just need some time.

 

I've talked to some of my friends about this but it's always nice having an objective viewpoint from someone who doesn't know me. My friends have mentioned similar things - just give her space. Let her miss you. Don't disappear from her life but just give a little distance, etc.

 

Thanks again!

[Cersei]

I agree with your friends. A bit of space.

 

Good advice!

[Mysterious One]

You took too long to kiss her and close.

 

most often a female is not going to make the move. You have to make the move. In some cases that's not always true.

 

You had a thousand clues that she wanted you to take the lead and that is why her attraction to you was most likely lost, but the real question is why are you with a single mother, who just recently broke up with her boyfriend and you are still legally married and filing a divorce. Sounds like your putting your self in a complicated emotional situation.

 

Thank you for your insight. I have thought maybe I took too long to kiss her, but after much thought, I don't believe this is true. She wanted to take it very slow. She's mentioned to me some of the reasons why and I absolutely respect her. I believe even if I had kissed her, she still would've broke it off. There are parts of her life that are a mess and she's just trying to deal. I think she needs a friend more than anything right now. I'm just trying to deal with my emotions so I can be there for her as a friend with no further expectations. My fear is that I'll be stuck with these feelings, silently suffering while I'm there for her in her time of need. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

 

She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and I know I've only been separated from my wife for over four months with the divorce in process. I've emotionally moved on from my wife many years ago. I've already been through the mourning of the end of the marriage even before I had left. While it may seem to be "too soon" to start dating, I feel I'm ready. I've had a lot of time to self-reflect and resolve over the past four months. I've been in counseling too. I don't want to wait around for a superficial amount of time just because my divorce isn't yet final, but you do bring up a fair point.

 

Thanks!

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for your insight and advice. I wanted to take things slow myself, in fact I make that clear on my profile that I want to start with friendship and see where things go from there. What happened with S was completely unexpected. I was blindsided with feelings after meeting her in person for the first time. She made it clear after our first date she had anxiety getting out in the dating scene again and wanted to take things slow. I agreed and I let her do most of the driving. While I initiated our first date, she initiated all the dates that followed. I might've hinted once or twice "I could use a drink" but she did the asking. I wanted her to be comfortable and let her take us where she thought we needed to be - if that makes sense.

 

 

There are various contradictions here that go against the tone of the thread title. There is no friends and something else blossom later. Does it happen...yes but what is the success ratio from friends to lover? But again who goes on a dating site to be friends? Meetup and various other social app and website cater to this..

 

From one introvert to another, I believe you are too passive. You put her in the driver seat and kinda just sat back. Sexual chemistry is a key component in NC and any component that exploits your masculine (what defines you as a male) you masked it and mirrored her femininity. That is what typically nice guys do... follow into the narrative to erase anything that makes them masculine.

 

I sit next to her and I just completely lose it. I'm crying with her, trying to comfort her and her dog at the same time.

 

 

A lot of nice guys do this thinking mirror femininity will yield a relationship. Honestly, I think she let you down easy and told you what ever so that she doesn't look like the bad guy... I've seen the "erase" profile thing happen to so many guys...its literally a way to really save face.

 

but she just needs to find herself.

 

"its not you.. it me."

"I need to focus on my self."

 

 

These are all save face statements.. finding ones self and dating are on two different spectrum. The experience of dating new people is part of finding ones self.

 

 

I brought her flowers and a card. I wrote something special in the card.

 

Nail in coffin

 

She went on to say I'm an amazing person and she wants me to be in her life

 

Nail in coffin

 

She asked me to not be mad at her and to please be her friend.

 

the funeral

 

So you made it to the friend-zone and walked away from this friend-zone. That is the best move and only move you could have made.. Also in regards to making a move... even if she did break-up with you anyway... you have the power of the connectivity on your side when you walked away from the friend-zone. All it takes for her is to go on a date with another guy.. (which their very well could be another guy) they kiss and your a distant memory.

 

I am not trying to be mean.. I am just giving you my opinion. As much as men typically prefer feminine females... you played off little masculine traits (opposites attract) and never made a move sexually or sensually. I suggest you also read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you can find an audio version free if your computer savy.

[Mysterious One]

There are various contradictions here that go against the tone of the thread title. There is no friends and something else blossom later. Does it happen...yes but what is the success ratio from friends to lover? But again who goes on a dating site to be friends? Meetup and various other social app and website cater to this..

 

From one introvert to another, I believe you are too passive. You put her in the driver seat and kinda just sat back. Sexual chemistry is a key component in NC and any component that exploits your masculine (what defines you as a male) you masked it and mirrored her femininity. That is what typically nice guys do... follow into the narrative to erase anything that makes them masculine.

 

 

 

 

A lot of nice guys do this thinking mirror femininity will yield a relationship. Honestly, I think she let you down easy and told you what ever so that she doesn't look like the bad guy... I've seen the "erase" profile thing happen to so many guys...its literally a way to really save face.

 

 

 

"its not you.. it me."

"I need to focus on my self."

 

 

These are all save face statements.. finding ones self and dating are on two different spectrum. The experience of dating new people is part of finding ones self.

 

 

 

 

Nail in coffin

 

 

 

Nail in coffin

 

 

 

the funeral

 

So you made it to the friend-zone and walked away from this friend-zone. That is the best move and only move you could have made.. Also in regards to making a move... even if she did break-up with you anyway... you have the power of the connectivity on your side when you walked away from the friend-zone. All it takes for her is to go on a date with another guy.. (which their very well could be another guy) they kiss and your a distant memory.

 

I am not trying to be mean.. I am just giving you my opinion. As much as men typically prefer feminine females... you played off little masculine traits (opposites attract) and never made a move sexually or sensually. I suggest you also read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you can find an audio version free if your computer savy.

 

Well, I do have to say all my previous relationships all started out as friendship first. I've never been one to date. In fact, S was the first woman I've ever actually dated and I'm 36. So maybe it's me not knowing WTF I'm doing that's contributed to this situation. But all of what you said makes perfect sense so thank you for your insight. However, I'm not willing to violate my integrity by pretending to be someone else for anyone. So yes, I'm a sensitive guy. I may be more in touch with my emotions than other men. I may be a bit too nice. Well, I can't help it. I'm not going to change.

 

With that said, yes I walked away for now. I'm willing to just be her friend, but I want space before I'm willing to do that. It sucks for me, but I'll get over it. As much as I'd like to find "the one", I'm just going to have to wait for it to happen naturally.

[Sweetfish]

Well, I do have to say all my previous relationships all started out as friendship first. I've never been one to date. In fact, S was the first woman I've ever actually dated and I'm 36. So maybe it's me not knowing WTF I'm doing that's contributed to this situation. But all of what you said makes perfect sense so thank you for your insight. However, I'm not willing to violate my integrity by pretending to be someone else for anyone. So yes, I'm a sensitive guy. I may be more in touch with my emotions than other men. I may be a bit too nice. Well, I can't help it. I'm not going to change.

 

With that said, yes I walked away for now. I'm willing to just be her friend, but I want space before I'm willing to do that. It sucks for me, but I'll get over it. As much as I'd like to find "the one", I'm just going to have to wait for it to happen naturally.

 

 

I 100% agree with you on not changing for anyone...however, I am warning you and letting you know that being sensitive does not work in your favor even though it may seem receptive in the beginning. Remember, your story start out with "sexy man" and ends when you offer roses and a sweet card.