Dumped by Fiancé with Panic Disorder and Anxiety. Will she come back?

[Bravo6]

Hello LS community,

 

I have been reading this forum for about 2 years since I joined and i have always found a lot of useful information that bettered me as a human being.

 

This could be a long post so thank you in advance for whoever reads it as i would like to get responses from people with such experience.

 

*Current situation : Day 28 of NC ( my ex fiancé has blocked me everywhere )

*Relationsip: 3 years and was engaged for 5 months

 

For people who are too busy to see my post talking about the situation in 2015 i will make a short introduction of the relationship so far.

 

“I have been dating with a girl thats suffers from panic disorder and anxiety for the past 3 years. “

 

Needless to say but it has been such a rollecoaster ride.

 

After barely surving the first year the second and third year together were a dream come true. I have never felt more loved by someone or met someone with such a nice heart. Her condition was getting better and better till this year i realised that the reason for that was not only myself being studying hard on how to help her better herself but also Benzos.

 

I started seeing the effect on her life and our relationship going down the path of doom again. From drowsiness , to being spaced out when we are out together on a date and being completely emotionless when she is giving me a death from a thousand cuts every time she was upset with something.

 

Around May this year i lost my family member to a car accident 7 days before getting engaged with my GF. She was in ER and when i got the call at work literally went straight to the airport with almost no battery on my phone to fly back to europe. From there straight to the hospital and then back to airport to fly to Asia. Total 4 days or MIA regarding my GF.

 

As soon as i arrived back and in a very bad mental state i charge my battery at the arrival lobby and see a wall of text of how i am the worst person ever to make her worry and where have i been etc. No matter what i said after that she said it was over and she would never trust me again and that her mother will not allow us to be together again. Not ashamed to admit but i lost it. Too many emotions to handle in my head i sent her a kind message explaining what happened back home but she was having none of this. Eventually I lost my family member after days of battling the injury with no one to talk to and my GF seriously thinking that it was just an excuse ( lie ) and that i got cold feet before getting engaged.

 

GF went MIA for 15 days then she says i will meet you to break up with you face to face. So i went to meet her and she told me her family thought me missing for 4 days was interpreted as not being serious about the engagement as they did not know what happened to me. She went on dissecting me part by part and telling me that there was a guy waiting for her for 2 years to be single and she is dating with him now. I start walking away with my head down and she follows me and walks with me at the station where we said good night.

 

GF went MIA for 15 days again and i could not hold on our engagement ring anymore so i told her that i will be at certain place certain time to propose you. She comes , we engage. Was as romantic as it could ever be and the following few months were a bliss.

 

Her mother asked me for her to trust me again that i have to move in together with her daughter so we started planning. We booked a few houses for viewing and the one we liked the most would be available in 2 months so we waited. Once we went to see that house to our surprised looked nothing like the photos. The previous owned destroyed the place floors kitchen etc and i decided to not take it after discussing with my fiancé. ( we had 2 more houses to view )

 

When she went home that night ( 3 months after our engagement ) she messages me telling me its over and i had my chance but she cannot trust me because we did not rent that wrecked house even though she also agreed it was a bad idea. She went on saying her mother gave me a chance and she does not trust me and that if i message her again her mother will be angry.

She proceeds in saying a very cruel goodbye out of the blue again and disappears.

 

Next day she asks me like nothing happens if we can see other houses to which i said of course and that we can move anywhere she wants. She changes again and says good bye.

 

This time she goes full black mode and pretty much called me deceptive, liar , useless etc. Anything that would make a guy never go back to a woman pretty much.

 

Blocks me everywhere (now day 28) and leaves me with our dream in my hands and her last message being that i should never contact her again.

 

I would like advice from people who either suffer from such condition or experienced break up reconciliation with such type of person.

 

My feeling and determination are not coming from a place of desperation but i want to have the life we dreamt with my ex fiance and i need advice on what I can do?

 

Why the block?

 

How do you think she is dealing with this?

 

Please be as constructive as possible.

I would be eternally great full.

 

Thanks

Edited September 22, 2017 by Bravo6
Missed some content

[Maldives]

It appears it all started when u went NIA for those 4 days dude. In all honesty how could you not think that wouldn't cuase issues bro? all u had to do was send her a quick text before batt died where u were going and called her when u were over there. i been through my own couple of people passing away like both my parents and the worst thing u can do during those times is block ur partner out which is very easy to do as u get consumed in the person dying understandable but then it creates a whole new problem for u wth ur relationship. she is definately off the rails wth her own issues there which is compounding this situation. Give her some space maybe?

[Steve51]

I am treated for panic attacks and anxiety as well as depression. As my wedding date drew near, I could not be in the same room as my wife without feeling nauseous. I recognized why so I took a pill and all was well again. A year later my friend pulled me aside. He asked me if it was normal to feel like vomiting whenever he soon to be bride was near. What you fiancé felt was normal. She could have seen a pyschologist of even her family doctor to be put on medication to control her anxiety. She could have gone to a Psychologist to solve the problem too. Maybe she used these things to get out of a marriage she really did not want. We faced many obstacles on our road to marriage but we did what we had to do to overcome them.

 

If she is that much prone to anxiety, your life together would not have been good. I left my first fiancé after she cheated on me. Turns out that she is bipolar and also schizophrenic. She hears voices and does what they say. She called me up 47 years later to apologize and tell me that her mental problems messed up her life. She cheated on guys whenever she wanted to get out of a relationship. That was her way of ending it. She really did have a horrible life. Her mom had plans of her daughter becoming a successful lawyer. Turns out that her daughter never studied law, lived in a commune where she went from guy to guy and woman to woman. She legally changed her last name because the voices in her head told her so.

 

Some day you will be like me, 66 years old and in a good marriage. You will look back on this and realize that if not for it, you would never have met your wife and have the great life you have. I have a great life. I would not change a thing. My life would not have been so good had I married my ex. Her cheating on me was the single best thing that happened to me in my life. Someday you will feel the same.

[Bravo6]

It appears it all started when u went NIA for those 4 days dude. In all honesty how could you not think that wouldn't cuase issues bro? all u had to do was send her a quick text before batt died where u were going and called her when u were over there. i been through my own couple of people passing away like both my parents and the worst thing u can do during those times is block ur partner out which is very easy to do as u get consumed in the person dying understandable but then it creates a whole new problem for u wth ur relationship. she is definately off the rails wth her own issues there which is compounding this situation. Give her some space maybe?

 

Thank you for your input my friend. Definitely no matter how I beat up myself for this is something I can't change and definitely I can see now that though forgiven for not contacting it was not forgotten by her. Being blocked and also being on NC all I can give her now is space. I want to keep updating this thread as things change or not change as if we have another chance I would not like to screw it up

[Bravo6]

I am treated for panic attacks and anxiety as well as depression. As my wedding date drew near, I could not be in the same room as my wife without feeling nauseous. I recognized why so I took a pill and all was well again. A year later my friend pulled me aside. He asked me if it was normal to feel like vomiting whenever he soon to be bride was near. What you fiancé felt was normal. She could have seen a pyschologist of even her family doctor to be put on medication to control her anxiety. She could have gone to a Psychologist to solve the problem too. Maybe she used these things to get out of a marriage she really did not want. We faced many obstacles on our road to marriage but we did what we had to do to overcome them.

 

If she is that much prone to anxiety, your life together would not have been good. I left my first fiancé after she cheated on me. Turns out that she is bipolar and also schizophrenic. She hears voices and does what they say. She called me up 47 years later to apologize and tell me that her mental problems messed up her life. She cheated on guys whenever she wanted to get out of a relationship. That was her way of ending it. She really did have a horrible life. Her mom had plans of her daughter becoming a successful lawyer. Turns out that her daughter never studied law, lived in a commune where she went from guy to guy and woman to woman. She legally changed her last name because the voices in her head told her so.

 

Some day you will be like me, 66 years old and in a good marriage. You will look back on this and realize that if not for it, you would never have met your wife and have the great life you have. I have a great life. I would not change a thing. My life would not have been so good had I married my ex. Her cheating on me was the single best thing that happened to me in my life. Someday you will feel the same.

 

Steve thank you so much for reading and reply to such length. I am quite unsure of what she is going through currently. I kept reading online that if she is on medication she could be quite emotionless about the whole story and moving on with her life. On my side I want to give it a try at least till we live together before I move on with someone else. Simply put this girl has been very meaningful person in my life and want to do us justice for one more time. Unfortunately for me no matter how much I studied about her condition I could not understand how she felt as I don't have the same condition myself. You mentioned you had anxiety how did you deal with breakups? Did you feel you cannot trust the same person again etc. Might be a silly question but I am just trying to understand where she stands in her mind. Thanks very much and I am very happy to hear you had a great marriage regardless of obstacles.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Bravo6

[basil67]

Bravo, this isn't just about understanding her condition. I daresay most people would be distressed if their significant went completely AWOL for four days. It's common courtesy to get a message to your loved on in a situation like this.

 

There is also the fact that phone charger cables can be bought anywhere these days. And power points are in airports and hospitals and hotels. While I'm greatly sorry for you losing a loved one, it's no excuse for your disappearing act.

[Downtown]

Bravo, welcome back to LoveShack. Below I will respond to comments you have made in both of your threads.

SHORT RESPONSE. The symptoms you describe seem to go far beyond those of panic disorder and anxiety. You are describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your ex fiancé has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. Hence, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, I would recommend that you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for 3 years.

 

LONGER RESPONSE. Bravo, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, needing constant attention, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your ex fiancé exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

Out of the blue I would get messages that said to me that I should leave her and I can find someone better. I thought she was testing me and I passed the test every time. Problem is the more I passed the tests the more frequent it became.

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, it is such a strong fear that a BPDer will perceive abandonment threats where they don't even exist. It therefore is common for BPDers to repeatedly test their partners with offensive demands to see if the partner will remain loyal. Passing a test, however, does nothing to reduce this overpowering fear. Instead, passing the test only means that the BPDer will raise the hoop higher the next time she demands that you jump through it.

 

She must have told me goodbye about 10 times in the last month only get back a few days later acting like we are completely normal.

This repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of BPDer relationships. Consequently, these relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

It has been such a rollercoaster ride.

That's the way unstable people behave. Significantly, "A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones" is one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD.

 

I realize that she always trying to pick a fight out of nothing.

You seem to be describing mild paranoia here, not panic disorder. "Having stress-related paranoid thoughts" is another one of the nine defining traits for a pattern of BPD behavior.

 

I have been dating with a girl that suffers from panic disorder and anxiety for the past 3 years.

Most BPDers suffer from one or more co-occurring clinical disorders. A recent American study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 81% of female full-blown BPDers suffer from an anxiety disorder and 36% of those female BPDers suffer from panic disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Although medication won't make a dent in BPD, it nonetheless is often prescribed to BPDers to help alleviate those co-occurring clinical disorders.

 

I was very surprised at how she would never say sorry.

If your GF is a BPDer, you were blamed for all mistakes because she lacked the self awareness to know she has a problem. This is why BPD and other PDs are said to be "egosyntonic," which means they are so consistent with the desires and needs of the person's ego that she is unaware that there is anything wrong or dysfunctional about them. She is convinced that her excessive demands are not only reasonable but also the only right way to do things. In contrast, a woman whose issues are limited to panic disorder and other types of anxiety usually is aware that her anxious behavior is unreasonable but she does it anyway to reduce the painful anxiety.

 

Another difference is that, whereas a high functioning BPDer typically feels no urgency to address her issues because her distorted thinking seems perfectly normal and comforting to her, a woman suffering only from anxiety typically is well aware of this problem and finds it to be stressful and very unpleasant. This is why clinical disorders such as anxiety disorder are usually much easier to treat than personality disorders such as BPD.

 

When I met her she was a broken person and still is.... It did not take long to realize that something was wrong as she would start flipping the happiest moments to the saddest in seconds.

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

This time she goes full black mode and pretty much called me deceptive, liar, useless etc.

If she is a BPDer, she can be terrible to be around when she is perceiving of you as "all bad" (i.e., "against her"). As noted above, BPDers categorize everyone close to them in this black-white manner because they are too emotionally immature to handle being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

I have never felt more loved by someone or met someone with such a nice heart.

High functioning BPDers generally are capable of being very affectionate and loving, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. It is common for them to exhibit a warmth, emotional intensity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

She needs constant attention.

Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of self identity, she has a powerful need to be with a partner having a strong stable personality -- i.e., a partner who can supply the missing self identity and who can ground and center her. This is why a BPDer typically HATES to live alone by herself for very long.

 

Conversations near our breakup would go like this: You are angry. I am not. But you are. I am not. You are angry I am telling you you are angry and need to change.

Because a BPDer has such a weak self identity, she has extremely weak (or nonexistent) personal boundaries. That is, it is very hard for her to realize where HER own feelings/problems leave off and YOUR feelings/problems begin. The result is that her subconscious will frequently project her painful thoughts and feelings onto YOU.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced (at the conscious level) that her own feelings/thoughts are originating from YOU. This is why, when you're with a BPDer, you oftentimes can tell what she is thinking by simply observing the things she is accusing you of doing or feeling.

 

I am just trying to understand where she stands in her mind.

Sadly, Bravo, I cannot read minds at great distances. As noted earlier, I know your GF exhibits BPD traits only because everyone on the planet exhibits these traits. I cannot know how strong those BPD symptoms are because I've never met the young lady. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Finally, if you ever feel inclined to reconcile with your GF, I would urge you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for 3 years. Take care, Bravo.

[Bravo6]

Bravo, welcome back to LoveShack. Below I will respond to comments you have made in both of your threads.

SHORT RESPONSE. The symptoms you describe seem to go far beyond those of panic disorder and anxiety. You are describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your ex fiancé has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. Hence, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, I would recommend that you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for 3 years.

 

LONGER RESPONSE. Bravo, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, needing constant attention, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your ex fiancé exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, it is such a strong fear that a BPDer will perceive abandonment threats where they don't even exist. It therefore is common for BPDers to repeatedly test their partners with offensive demands to see if the partner will remain loyal. Passing a test, however, does nothing to reduce this overpowering fear. Instead, passing the test only means that the BPDer will raise the hoop higher the next time she demands that you jump through it.

 

This repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of BPDer relationships. Consequently, these relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

That's the way unstable people behave. Significantly, "A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones" is one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD.

 

You seem to be describing mild paranoia here, not panic disorder. "Having stress-related paranoid thoughts" is another one of the nine defining traits for a pattern of BPD behavior.

 

Most BPDers suffer from one or more co-occurring clinical disorders. A recent American study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 81% of female full-blown BPDers suffer from an anxiety disorder and 36% of those female BPDers suffer from panic disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Although medication won't make a dent in BPD, it nonetheless is often prescribed to BPDers to help alleviate those co-occurring clinical disorders.

 

If your GF is a BPDer, you were blamed for all mistakes because she lacked the self awareness to know she has a problem. This is why BPD and other PDs are said to be "egosyntonic," which means they are so consistent with the desires and needs of the person's ego that she is unaware that there is anything wrong or dysfunctional about them. She is convinced that her excessive demands are not only reasonable but also the only right way to do things. In contrast, a woman whose issues are limited to panic disorder and other types of anxiety usually is aware that her anxious behavior is unreasonable but she does it anyway to reduce the painful anxiety.

 

Another difference is that, whereas a high functioning BPDer typically feels no urgency to address her issues because her distorted thinking seems perfectly normal and comforting to her, a woman suffering only from anxiety typically is well aware of this problem and finds it to be stressful and very unpleasant. This is why clinical disorders such as anxiety disorder are usually much easier to treat than personality disorders such as BPD.

 

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

If she is a BPDer, she can be terrible to be around when she is perceiving of you as "all bad" (i.e., "against her"). As noted above, BPDers categorize everyone close to them in this black-white manner because they are too emotionally immature to handle being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

High functioning BPDers generally are capable of being very affectionate and loving, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. It is common for them to exhibit a warmth, emotional intensity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of self identity, she has a powerful need to be with a partner having a strong stable personality -- i.e., a partner who can supply the missing self identity and who can ground and center her. This is why a BPDer typically HATES to live alone by herself for very long.

 

Because a BPDer has such a weak self identity, she has extremely weak (or nonexistent) personal boundaries. That is, it is very hard for her to realize where HER own feelings/problems leave off and YOUR feelings/problems begin. The result is that her subconscious will frequently project her painful thoughts and feelings onto YOU.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced (at the conscious level) that her own feelings/thoughts are originating from YOU. This is why, when you're with a BPDer, you oftentimes can tell what she is thinking by simply observing the things she is accusing you of doing or feeling.

 

Sadly, Bravo, I cannot read minds at great distances. As noted earlier, I know your GF exhibits BPD traits only because everyone on the planet exhibits these traits. I cannot know how strong those BPD symptoms are because I've never met the young lady. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Finally, if you ever feel inclined to reconcile with your GF, I would urge you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for 3 years. Take care, Bravo.

 

Downtown I don't know what to say. I have never heard of this yet but even if I conservatively went through the 18 symptoms she hits 17/18 on point. What an eye opener I want to study more about this. I went through all your posts discussing this and I am quite shocked to see that not so many people are successful in having a fruitful relationship with a person with BPD. Thank you very much for such a lengthy post and with so much detail. I humbly applaud you for even taking the time to educate a stranger in need.

 

One question for you. If they are so afraid of abandonment why she suddenly blocked me and disappeared for about a month now ?

 

I want to give it a go so I found someone in my city who seems to have experience with that condition so I will book a session to check with a professional. Will post findings here.

 

Thank you so much

Edited September 23, 2017 by Bravo6

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am going to speak from the point of view of someone who once thought she was being ghosted:

 

Years ago now, my then-boyfriend went silent for a couple days. I could not reach him on his landline (this was before anyone was really using cell phones) You can imagine how annoyed and frustrated I was getting. I thought he was taking the coward's way out of breaking up.

 

I finally found out the reason he wasn't returning my calls was because he had been killed in an accident.

 

I didn't have any pre-existing anxiety or panic disorders, and let me tell you, I was a wreck in the couple days when I didn't know where he was or why he had gone silent so suddenly. I can't imagine how someone with such conditions would cope with such an anxiety-inducing situation. I don't think you have any idea the distress you caused your girlfriend when you dropped off the radar for 4 days. There's just no excuse for that now, with technology being what it is. I perfectly understand that you were distraught with the bad news, but to not even bother mentioning for 4 days is unacceptable. Most airports sell phone chargers, or have charging stations. Many also have computer terminals where you could pay a small fee to connect to the internet and send her a quick email.

 

To be honest, I have a hard time believing you just didn't think at all to contact her in those 4 days. You had your wits about you enough to get yourself a plane ticket and board a flight and make other arrangements for your unexpected trip home. So what was it that really stopped you from letting her know what was going on?

 

I am not saying she is perfect (not by a long shot) but I am saying you don't appear to really understand how much your own behaviour contributed to the demise of the relationship or what it feels like to be on the other side. Add to that her mental health struggles, and you have the perfect storm of a relationship-killer.

Edited September 23, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Downtown]

If [bPDers] are so afraid of abandonment why she suddenly blocked me and disappeared for about a month now?

Very good question, Bravo. If your GF is a BPDer as you suspect, there are several reasons why she would do the very thing she fears the most. One is that, as you become less tolerant of her abusive mood swings and start establishing stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself, a BPDer will mistakenly perceive your new boundaries as proof positive that you're planning to abandon her. Never mind that you had no such intentions. She therefore will be so fearful of abandonment that she will abandon you before you have a chance to do it to her.

 

A second reason is that, even if you don't start standing up for yourself by establishing stronger boundaries, a BPDer's abandonment fear likely will grow stronger as your relationship matures. As the years go by, she will become increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging, as she misinterprets an increasing number of harmless actions as abandonment threats, and as she misperceives your visits with friends and family as your choosing THEM over HER. Moreover, as time passes, she will become increasingly resentful of your inability to fix her and eliminate her unhappiness (an impossible task).

 

A third reason for her walking out is that, in addition to the abandonment fear, a BPDer has a second great fear: that of engulfment. The existence of this second fear puts you in a hopeless predicament because the two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Although a BPDer craves intimacy like nearly everyone else, she is too immature to handle it for very long. This is why a BPDer will push you away -- by creating an argument over nothing or by leaving you -- immediately after an intimate evening or great weekend, or right in the middle of a wonderful vacation. And this is why a BPDer typically exhibits her very WORST behavior immediately after (if not during) the very BEST of times.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. But, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Finally, there is a fourth reason why a BPDer may choose to walk away and not return. As noted earlier, a BPDer typically will flip back and forth between splitting you white (adoring you) and splitting you black (devaluing or even demonizing you). She is too immature to handle the middle area which would require her to be tolerant of strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, and other gray areas of personal interrelationships. Well, it is not uncommon for a BPDer to eventually split her partner black permanently.

 

I want to give it a go so I found someone in my city who seems to have experience with that condition so I will book a session to check with a professional.

Smart decision. Of course, a professional cannot make a formal diagnosis of your GF without meeting repeatedly with her. But, based on your 3 years of observations and experiences, he can say something like "It sounds to me like you may be dealing with...." Even if he did meet with her, it could require several years of weekly meetings before he would witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long.

 

Moreover, even if he were to witness strong BPD behaviors when meeting with your GF, it is unlikely he would tell her, much less tell you. As I discuss at Loath to Diagnose, there are several reasons why therapists typically withhold this information from clients who are determined to be high functioning BPDers. This is why, when BPD is a strong possibility, it is important to consult with YOUR OWN therapist -- i.e., with one who has never met your GF and thus is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

 

Will post findings here.

Great, Bravo. I will look forward to hearing what your therapist has to say.

[Bravo6]

OP, I am going to speak from the point of view of someone who once thought she was being ghosted:

 

Years ago now, my then-boyfriend went silent for a couple days. I could not reach him on his landline (this was before anyone was really using cell phones) You can imagine how annoyed and frustrated I was getting. I thought he was taking the coward's way out of breaking up.

 

I finally found out the reason he wasn't returning my calls was because he had been killed in an accident.

 

I didn't have any pre-existing anxiety or panic disorders, and let me tell you, I was a wreck in the couple days when I didn't know where he was or why he had gone silent so suddenly. I can't imagine how someone with such conditions would cope with such an anxiety-inducing situation. I don't think you have any idea the distress you caused your girlfriend when you dropped off the radar for 4 days. There's just no excuse for that now, with technology being what it is. I perfectly understand that you were distraught with the bad news, but to not even bother mentioning for 4 days is unacceptable. Most airports sell phone chargers, or have charging stations. Many also have computer terminals where you could pay a small fee to connect to the internet and send her a quick email.

 

To be honest, I have a hard time believing you just didn't think at all to contact her in those 4 days. You had your wits about you enough to get yourself a plane ticket and board a flight and make other arrangements for your unexpected trip home. So what was it that really stopped you from letting her know what was going on?

 

I am not saying she is perfect (not by a long shot) but I am saying you don't appear to really understand how much your own behaviour contributed to the demise of the relationship or what it feels like to be on the other side. Add to that her mental health struggles, and you have the perfect storm of a relationship-killer.

 

Hello friend. Thank you for your message. First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I hope your loved one is in a better place.

 

Trust me when I say this I have no bigger regret than going MIA for 4 days. It's hard to explain but simply I went into a really bad place in my mind. You are absolutely right saying this and there is no excuse for it. To this day I am grateful I was given a chance to engage with with my fiance and I am eternally greatful for the love I received prior to our recent break up. Thank you once again you are right and I am well aware of the error.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about your family member. You ghosting was handled poorly but apparently you two got past that, her mother was on your side & you two got engaged.

 

 

Then this unbalanced woman didn't seem to understand that not living in the unacceptable house was a good thing, not a rejection of her. Now she's behaving like a spoiled child, cutting you off, not talking after calling you names & now disappearing.

 

My first Q is why do you want such a dramatic immature individual back? Do you like living life in the eye of a hurricane not knowing when you will be pulled through the eye wall into total chaos?

 

 

Is she under the care of a medical doctor & on meds? If not I would make that a condition of getting back together. I dated a bi-polar guy. Him being medicated was a condition of us staying together because I couldn't handle the crazy. After we broke up, he went off his meds & eventually killed himself. I myself suffer from depression & agoraphobia. Sometimes I can't get off the couch & my husband has found me crying in my walk in closet on more than one occasion because I get overwhelmed trying to figure out what to wear, which should be a simple decision. I don't want to be around anybody in the throws of my depression but I know it's my issue & try to be nice when others do wellness checks on me. She doesn't seem to have any self awareness.

 

 

If you really want her back, try calling the mom (but only because she intervened the last time).

 

 

Do understand. You are not her doctor. You can't save her or make her happy. What do you think will happen to any children when mommy gets like this? Are you really sure you want to go down this road?

[Bravo6]

Very good question, Bravo. If your GF is a BPDer as you suspect, there are several reasons why she would do the very thing she fears the most. One is that, as you become less tolerant of her abusive mood swings and start establishing stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself, a BPDer will mistakenly perceive your new boundaries as proof positive that you're planning to abandon her. Never mind that you had no such intentions. She therefore will be so fearful of abandonment that she will abandon you before you have a chance to do it to her.

 

A second reason is that, even if you don't start standing up for yourself by establishing stronger boundaries, a BPDer's abandonment fear likely will grow stronger as your relationship matures. As the years go by, she will become increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging, as she misinterprets an increasing number of harmless actions as abandonment threats, and as she misperceives your visits with friends and family as your choosing THEM over HER. Moreover, as time passes, she will become increasingly resentful of your inability to fix her and eliminate her unhappiness (an impossible task).

 

A third reason for her walking out is that, in addition to the abandonment fear, a BPDer has a second great fear: that of engulfment. The existence of this second fear puts you in a hopeless predicament because the two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Although a BPDer craves intimacy like nearly everyone else, she is too immature to handle it for very long. This is why a BPDer will push you away -- by creating an argument over nothing or by leaving you -- immediately after an intimate evening or great weekend, or right in the middle of a wonderful vacation. And this is why a BPDer typically exhibits her very WORST behavior immediately after (if not during) the very BEST of times.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. But, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Finally, there is a fourth reason why a BPDer may choose to walk away and not return. As noted earlier, a BPDer typically will flip back and forth between splitting you white (adoring you) and splitting you black (devaluing or even demonizing you). She is too immature to handle the middle area which would require her to be tolerant of strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, and other gray areas of personal interrelationships. Well, it is not uncommon for a BPDer to eventually split her partner black permanently.

 

Smart decision. Of course, a professional cannot make a formal diagnosis of your GF without meeting repeatedly with her. But, based on your 3 years of observations and experiences, he can say something like "It sounds to me like you may be dealing with...." Even if he did meet with her, it could require several years of weekly meetings before he would witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long.

 

Moreover, even if he were to witness strong BPD behaviors when meeting with your GF, it is unlikely he would tell her, much less tell you. As I discuss at Loath to Diagnose, there are several reasons why therapists typically withhold this information from clients who are determined to be high functioning BPDers. This is why, when BPD is a strong possibility, it is important to consult with YOUR OWN therapist -- i.e., with one who has never met your GF and thus is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

 

Great, Bravo. I will look forward to hearing what your therapist has to say.

 

Hello again downtown. Your input is so helpful yet again. I never had my own therapist as i happen to be on the other spectrum of things. Positive , outgoing always happy no matter the challenges. I guess i though i was indestructible and took this to realize how sensitive the matters of heart can be.

 

I booked a session next wednesday so i will report back when i return home.

 

Another question for you Downtown. You seem to have so much experience with this. What can be possibly going through her mind now ? I am rather impressed with her resilience to not even be curious about whether i tried to contact what am i doing etc.

 

As always many thanks in advance for your time.

[Bravo6]

I'm sorry about your family member. You ghosting was handled poorly but apparently you two got past that, her mother was on your side & you two got engaged.

 

 

Then this unbalanced woman didn't seem to understand that not living in the unacceptable house was a good thing, not a rejection of her. Now she's behaving like a spoiled child, cutting you off, not talking after calling you names & now disappearing.

 

My first Q is why do you want such a dramatic immature individual back? Do you like living life in the eye of a hurricane not knowing when you will be pulled through the eye wall into total chaos?

 

 

Is she under the care of a medical doctor & on meds? If not I would make that a condition of getting back together. I dated a bi-polar guy. Him being medicated was a condition of us staying together because I couldn't handle the crazy. After we broke up, he went off his meds & eventually killed himself. I myself suffer from depression & agoraphobia. Sometimes I can't get off the couch & my husband has found me crying in my walk in closet on more than one occasion because I get overwhelmed trying to figure out what to wear, which should be a simple decision. I don't want to be around anybody in the throws of my depression but I know it's my issue & try to be nice when others do wellness checks on me. She doesn't seem to have any self awareness.

 

 

If you really want her back, try calling the mom (but only because she intervened the last time).

 

 

Do understand. You are not her doctor. You can't save her or make her happy. What do you think will happen to any children when mommy gets like this? Are you really sure you want to go down this road?

 

Hello Donnivain and thank you for your input. I hope you are living a healthy happy life and your condition is getting better. I have no idea what it might feel like but i admire the strength in people like you ( dont mean it in a bad way ).

 

Yes indeed it was terrible what i did and i am obviously still paying for what i did.

 

Indeed my ex fiancé is under a medicine called Cloxazolam. Her panic attacks were mostly related to trains ( she takes the train to work every day ). Eventually it started becoming problem at her work too. To this day i have not seen her having a panic attack in front of me. From what i can remember as she never wanted to share more than that she is seeing a doctor and the doctor knows about me through her. She has been on that medication for 5 years and her panic attacks range from minimum 1 time a week to a maximum of 3. Doctor said to her that since she started being with me her condition was much better and the first step before trying to reduce her meds would be for her to live with me ( again according to her ).

 

As about her mom. I did try to call her 2 weeks ago. ( first time i ever did ) . She must have been surprised how i even had the number. She was kind on the phone but kept her voice down. Possible my ex fiancé was there. I said i was really worried about her and i would like her to listen to what i have to say. She kindly rejected and said that does not want to talk. After a few seconds of silence she cut the line.

 

Regarding your other question, I am the type of person that never runs away from a problem like this. I understand life will be a challenge but I made a promise to her that I will take care of her till the end of time and i really meant it (still do). I would go to hell and back for her and hell is where i am now ( just need assistance to get to the back part ).

 

You have no idea how much yours and other members comments help me and i am very thankful for this.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Bravo6

[Downtown]

What can be possibly going through her mind now? I am rather impressed with her resilience to not even be curious about whether i tried to contact what am i doing etc.

I don't know, Bravo. As I stated earlier, I cannot read minds from a great distance. And I don't do very well when close up. Moreover, if she is a BPDer, it really doesn't matter much what is on her mind this week. As you know all too well, her perception of you can flip 180 degrees in ten seconds when a new intense feeling dominates her mind.

 

This is why it is impossible, with BPDers, to build up a lasting store of appreciation that you can later draw on during the hard times. Trying to build a lasting sense of appreciation in a BPDer would be as foolish as trying to construct a lasting sandcastle on the seashore. Her appreciation of your many sacrifices will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings that floods her mind.

 

I am hopeful that, on Wednesday, your therapist will determine that you are only describing anxiety and panic disorder issues, as you initially believed. Hopefully, he will conclude that my BPD concerns appear to be without merit and don't apply to your GF. That would be great news. BPD is such a painful condition that I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

[Buriall]

I don't know, Bravo. As I stated earlier, I cannot read minds from a great distance. And I don't do very well when close up. Moreover, if she is a BPDer, it really doesn't matter much what is on her mind this week. As you know all too well, her perception of you can flip 180 degrees in ten seconds when a new intense feeling dominates her mind.

 

This is why it is impossible, with BPDers, to build up a lasting store of appreciation that you can later draw on during the hard times. Trying to build a lasting sense of appreciation in a BPDer would be as foolish as trying to construct a lasting sandcastle on the seashore. Her appreciation of your many sacrifices will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings that floods her mind.

 

I am hopeful that, on Wednesday, your therapist will determine that you are only describing anxiety and panic disorder issues, as you initially believed. Hopefully, he will conclude that my BPD concerns appear to be without merit and don't apply to your GF. That would be great news. BPD is such a painful condition that I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Im sorry if I'm going out of topic here but. What you just wrote reminded me of the tv show I'm currently watching, it's called The Sopranos. I don't know if you've seen it..

 

Tony's mother is full blown BPD. His own mother wanted him dead... I know what you mean by wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.. Damm I'm just lost for words...

[Downtown]

[in the Sopranos] Tony's mother is full blown BPD. His own mother wanted him dead.

Buriall, I realize that -- in the very last episode of that cable series -- Tony's psychiatrist diagnoses Tony's mother Livia as having full-blown BPD -- never mind that the Livia character is portrayed in the series as a narcissist, not as a BPDer. Sadly, this misrepresentation of a son-killing monstrous mother as a "BPDer" only exacerbates the false public stigma of BPDers being monstrous people.

 

My view of the Livia character's behavior being mislabeled is shared by Randi Krieger, author of the #1 best-selling BPD book titled Stop Walking on Eggshells. In a 2007 blog article, Krieger argues that Tony's mother exhibits classic narcissism, not BPD. See "Is Tony Soprano's Mother Borderline?"

 

If you want a representative example of a BPDer, I suggest you ignore the Livia character in The Sopranos. Also ignore Glen Close's murderous character in Fatal Attraction. Instead, take a look at two of the world's most beloved women: Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. If their biographers are correct, both of them suffered from full-blown BPD.

[Buriall]

If you want a representative example of a BPDer, I suggest you ignore the Livia character in The Sopranos. Also ignore Glen Close's murderous character in Fatal Attraction. Instead, take a look at two of the world's most beloved women: Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. If their biographers are correct, both of them suffered from full-blown BPD.

 

Interesting.. im all new to this stuff trying to learn as much as i can.

 

thanks

[Sweetfish]

Buriall, I realize that -- in the very last episode of that cable series -- Tony's psychiatrist diagnoses Tony's mother Livia as having full-blown BPD -- never mind that the Livia character is portrayed in the series as a narcissist, not as a BPDer. Sadly, this misrepresentation of a son-killing monstrous mother as a "BPDer" only exacerbates the false public stigma of BPDers being monstrous people.

 

My view of the Livia character's behavior being mislabeled is shared by Randi Krieger, author of the #1 best-selling BPD book titled Stop Walking on Eggshells. In a 2007 blog article, Krieger argues that Tony's mother exhibits classic narcissism, not BPD. See "Is Tony Soprano's Mother Borderline?"

 

If you want a representative example of a BPDer, I suggest you ignore the Livia character in The Sopranos. Also ignore Glen Close's murderous character in Fatal Attraction. Instead, take a look at two of the world's most beloved women: Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. If their biographers are correct, both of them suffered from full-blown BPD.

 

 

There is not one movie that i've seen that illustrates BPD, as the movie would be pretty boring I guess or even complex... Girl interrupted claims to be about BPD (ironically Angelina Jolie stars in it hint* hint*) but its like saying fast and the furious represents an accurate depiction of car racing. I would say Marilyn Monroe would be more on the histrionic spectrum, but being both BPD and having other issues is not uncommon.

 

BPDers are simply normal people 99% of the time. Its when they get into deep relationship that issues arise. Borderline is exactly what it means... just on the "border" of psychosis. The person goes from Windows XP to "safe mode" and as downtown said in under ten seconds they 180..Only the very basics operate during psychosis and now an adult has reverted back to a child with limited tools to deal with complex human emotions.

 

Long term relationship usually are impossible

[Bravo6]

There is not one movie that i've seen that illustrates BPD, as the movie would be pretty boring I guess or even complex... Girl interrupted claims to be about BPD (ironically Angelina Jolie stars in it hint* hint*) but its like saying fast and the furious represents an accurate depiction of car racing. I would say Marilyn Monroe would be more on the histrionic spectrum, but being both BPD and having other issues is not uncommon.

 

BPDers are simply normal people 99% of the time. Its when they get into deep relationship that issues arise. Borderline is exactly what it means... just on the "border" of psychosis. The person goes from Windows XP to "safe mode" and as downtown said in under ten seconds they 180..Only the very basics operate during psychosis and now an adult has reverted back to a child with limited tools to deal with complex human emotions.

 

Long term relationship usually are impossible

 

Thanks downtown once again for commenting. You seem like a great person I truly hope you are happily ever after. Yes Wednesday I will know. Actually I am looking forward to it. Regardless of the result I will report back and hopefully there will be some light in the end of the tunnel

[Downtown]

Borderline is exactly what it means... just on the "border" of psychosis.

Sweetfish, yes, that is how BPD originally got its name. This "on the border" view prevailed for many decades. It started with Stern in 1938. The general view was that "Borderline" was not a disorder in its own right but, rather, a residual category (i.e., a garbage can of sorts) for symptoms that largely overlapped those of several well-defined disorders. In that "overlapping" sense, it was believed to be "on the border" of other disorders.

 

In 1941, for example, Zilboorg described it as on the border of schizophrenia. In the late 1940s, Knight described it as on the border of having several healthy mental functions. The next major contribution was Kernberg, who described it in the 1960s as on the border between psychotic and neurotic.

 

This mistaken view of the disorder as a "borderline" condition was rejected in the 1970s by Gunderson and Singer, whose work convinced the psychiatric community that this condition had well defined characteristics and thus was not "on the borderline" -- i.e., was not a mild version -- of any other disorder. The result is that, in 1980, BPD first appeared in DSM-III as a bona fide psychiatric diagnosis.

 

Because this historic name is misleading and meaningless, a large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for over two decades to rename it "Emotional Regulation Disorder." BPD has everything to do with the inability to control emotions -- and has virtually nothing to do with psychosis, contrary to Kernberg's claim. Granted, a BPDer can exhibit paranoia because intense feelings distort the BPDer's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Psychosis, however, goes far beyond that -- resulting in the person being out of touch with physical reality.

[Bravo6]

Sweetfish, yes, that is how BPD originally got its name. This "on the border" view prevailed for many decades. It started with Stern in 1938. The general view was that "Borderline" was not a disorder in its own right but, rather, a residual category (i.e., a garbage can of sorts) for symptoms that largely overlapped those of several well-defined disorders. In that "overlapping" sense, it was believed to be "on the border" of other disorders.

 

In 1941, for example, Zilboorg described it as on the border of schizophrenia. In the late 1940s, Knight described it as on the border of having several healthy mental functions. The next major contribution was Kernberg, who described it in the 1960s as on the border between psychotic and neurotic.

 

This mistaken view of the disorder as a "borderline" condition was rejected in the 1970s by Gunderson and Singer, whose work convinced the psychiatric community that this condition had well defined characteristics and thus was not "on the borderline" -- i.e., was not a mild version -- of any other disorder. The result is that, in 1980, BPD first appeared in DSM-III as a bona fide psychiatric diagnosis.

 

Because this historic name is misleading and meaningless, a large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for over two decades to rename it "Emotional Regulation Disorder." BPD has everything to do with the inability to control emotions -- and has virtually nothing to do with psychosis, contrary to Kernberg's claim. Granted, a BPDer can exhibit paranoia because intense feelings distort the BPDer's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Psychosis, however, goes far beyond that -- resulting in the person being out of touch with physical reality.

 

Hello Downtown,

My apologies for getting back so late.

I went to see a therapist to see what was truly going on.

How right you were is all i can say.

He told me that only by listening half the story there is high possibility that she is either BPD or an adjacent personality disorder.

I learned so much from him and from you.

I am 35 days in NC and she contacted yesterday for the first time.

First I got an email and message on all my knows addresses saying a few negative comments. Then after that she called 3 times and the third time i picked up. In a span of 40 minutes on the phone she switched from white to black 9 times without any provocation on my side. Knowing a lot about BPD by now I realised exactly what she was doing.

 

It’s very interesting how much i was craving deep inside the day she would contact me back yet when she did i felt nothing. At the end of the call she split me to black because i did not give in on any of her insults and she hanged up saying yet again good bye. I am not sure what to say but thank you everyone and Downtown for sharing some good info to me. I will keep updating if things change. Have a great day friends.

[Downtown]

At the end of the call she split me to black because i did not give in on any of her insults and she hanged up saying yet again good bye.

Bravo, thanks so much for returning -- as you said you would -- to give us an update. I'm very happy to hear that you are still maintaining the strong personal boundaries you had established over a month ago. You are wise to stay away from this young woman and not allow her to pull you back into that toxic relationship. I wish the very best for the both of you.