Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Cuz he severely dropped off communication after he got play...he asked her out on dates consistently til he got play. So op is a little reluctant to start chasing him now and give him more play. He didn't do anything wrong per se 2
SevenCity Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Cuz he severely dropped off communication after he got play...he asked her out on dates consistently til he got play. So op is a little reluctant to start chasing him now and give him more play. He didn't do anything wrong per se And he had his daughters no? Can't brutha be busy? Also he could have reacted to her never ever reaching out. 6
kendahke Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I still don't get it. What did this guy do wrong? Was he too sexy / rich? He said he wanted a serious RL. They had sex MULTIPLE times. She never once reached out first. He continued to reach out and the OP says it's best to ghost him because she gave it up too quickly. I may be stupid, but for the life of me I don't understand how he's a player and only after sex with the information provided. She never initiated and ghosted him yet he is in the wrong? WTF???? Maybe he found a grown woman who doesn't play "read my mind" games and that's why it's radio silence for OP? 4
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 It's possible... But not probable based on how things usually play out when this story is told, it sounds more like chased and caught, so interest waned. He was pursuing hard to get physical asap, then pulled back a lot which sends alarm bells. That's completely normal though because there was not of another connection that built yet. There's typically a huge 'power' shift after early sex most ppl are aware of and op is feelin it Usually, when this story is told here, they don't ask for another date. They slow fade. 2
kendahke Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Or... the sex for him wasn't memorable and gave him nothing to call back for. 2
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 It's possible... But not probable based on how things usually play out when this story is told, it sounds more like chased and caught, so interest waned. He was pursuing hard to get physical asap, then pulled back a lot which sends alarm bells. That's completely normal though because there was not of another connection that built yet. There's typically a huge 'power' shift after early sex most ppl are aware of and op is feelin it Usually, when this story is told here, they don't ask for another date. They slow fade. Yes it is probably the "get sex by the third date", then fade and onto the next... He didn't waste any time setting up our third date. He actually wanted to meet sooner He was seemingly desperate for the third date but has never mentioned a fourth... even if he was caught up with daughters he could still have arranged something in advance if he was that keen... 1
Lorenza Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Sex early on isn't a problem in itself, but the thing is that women often view sex as way to secure a man's interest and not something they do out of desire. It's easy to feel used and cheated when that interest fades instead, because you feel like the man didn't fulfill he's part of the transaction. In this case he lied that sex isn't his primary goal and that he's interested in something serious and OP took him for his word and had sex thinking that it isn't as risky because of what he said. Once again - not out of pure desire. So both were dishonest in this situation. Otherwise, despite on where you stand, OP, he still sounds like a guy who has a lot of options and will use them. Trash talking his ex isn't a good sign either. I think you did well by ignoring this one, but I wouldn't carry on with the same mentality you have right now. If sex and a moment of pleasure with no consequences (unless you keep on having unprotected sex...) in itself isn't your goal, then don't have it. And don't be a damsel - reach out yourself at least sometimes. Everybody likes feeling that someone is interested in them. 2
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Everyone makes valid points. I am obviously still vulnerable from my previous LTR and should really just take some time to evaluate myself before I even consider the idea of having any sort of relationship with anyone. My head clearly isn't straight right now. I am an adult, as I mentioned previously, and I take full responsibility for my part in this. I don't want to just "ghost" him because that's a cruel thing to do to someone, so I did reply to his two messages from yesterday and told him to have a nice weekend with his beautiful daughters and left it at that. I don't think there is any going back from this, so I am going to continue moving forward. Maybe he was only after sex. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he thought the sex was amazing. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he will contact me soon for a fourth date. Maybe he won't. None of us can predict what he will do, so I just don't want to even go there. It's irrelevant at this point anyways, because I have already made my mind up to chalk this up as a harsh lesson learnt and leave him in the past. I messed up once, but I can't continue to mess up and be ok with that. I behaved like a hormonal teenager and as mentioned I made my bed, now I must lay in it. That's fine, this whole experience has taught me a valuable lesson, and if I can say anything positive, it's that I 100% will never be so careless with my values and my happiness again. As someone mentioned, I can't put myself in this position and expect any positive results. I am just as much at fault, so I need to own up to that and just move on. Thanks again, everyone, I needed to hear the harsh, yet helpful, truth. 1
stillafool Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Why are you being so hard on yourself because you were horny and wanted sex? As you said you are an adult. You are perfectly within your rights to get your needs met. Did you want this man to ask you to be his gf after the 3rd date? If not, just let it go and relax. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 The tricky part is that if he comes back you have to not put on the breaks but acftslly put the car in reverse and explain to him that you feel sex came too early and you don't feel comfortable having sex outside a committed rship, because he will be expecting to sex again now that it's happened. You two have different ideals about that at the very least. He's actually into hookups/casual despite him saying that he doesn't do them. 1
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Why are you being so hard on yourself because you were horny and wanted sex? As you said you are an adult. You are perfectly within your rights to get your needs met. Did you want this man to ask you to be his gf after the 3rd date? If not, just let it go and relax. No, I didn't want to be his gf after the 3rd date, nor do I want to be his gf now, because I hardly know the guy. As someone mentioned previously, even if not immediately wanting a relationship, you like to think it's still something that's a possibility in the future..that it's on the table. You're right though - I did get my sexual needs met and in the moment, it was fun, so I shouldn't feel so guilty. I am letting it go and trying not to stress any more about it.
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 The tricky part is that if he comes back you have to not put on the breaks but acftslly put the car in reverse and explain to him that you feel sex came too early and you don't feel comfortable having sex outside a committed rship, because he will be expecting to sex again now that it's happened. You two have different ideals about that at the very least. He's actually into hookups/casual despite him saying that he doesn't do them. You are 100% right, and that's what I will do if/when he initiates contact or a fourth date. No point ghosting, as that's so petty and immature. It's best to just communicate clearly with him and wish him the best.
preraph Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 We always like to hear teens and young women waiting before sleeping with someone (if they want a real relationship and not just sex) because young people are naive and too easily fooled and vulnerable. But you're a grown woman. I guess you are feeling vulnerable. But I'm just putting a bug in your ear that as an adult woman who probably isn't real naive anymore (maybe I'm wrong), it shouldn't take you forever to ascertain if a man is worth having sex with, but it's going to be hard to get an adult man to get serious with you without having sex because men prioritize sex over everything else pretty much. You are trying to move for commitment too fast. There are steps you have to go through and none of them culminate in commitment on the third date, and I can assure you that's whether you've had sex by then or not. You have to date long enough to start seeing what the guy is really like. Everyone is usually on best behavior the first couple of months but they can't keep that up for long, so don't let yourself give your heart and trust away until you've begun to see the real guy -- and whether you have sex during that period I guess is up to your beliefs, but I don't think you'll see the real guy until he's stuck around long enough for sex and then sticks around after you have sex. Because there's a whole lot of guys who will string someone like you along and just keep dating around until you're ready to give it up and then even if that is six months down the road, they may go, "Meh, that wasn't anything magical" and dump you. 4
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 We always like to hear teens and young women waiting before sleeping with someone (if they want a real relationship and not just sex) because young people are naive and too easily fooled and vulnerable. But you're a grown woman. I guess you are feeling vulnerable. But I'm just putting a bug in your ear that as an adult woman who probably isn't real naive anymore (maybe I'm wrong), it shouldn't take you forever to ascertain if a man is worth having sex with, but it's going to be hard to get an adult man to get serious with you without having sex because men prioritize sex over everything else pretty much. You are trying to move for commitment too fast. There are steps you have to go through and none of them culminate in commitment on the third date, and I can assure you that's whether you've had sex by then or not. You have to date long enough to start seeing what the guy is really like. Everyone is usually on best behavior the first couple of months but they can't keep that up for long, so don't let yourself give your heart and trust away until you've begun to see the real guy -- and whether you have sex during that period I guess is up to your beliefs, but I don't think you'll see the real guy until he's stuck around long enough for sex and then sticks around after you have sex. Because there's a whole lot of guys who will string someone like you along and just keep dating around until you're ready to give it up and then even if that is six months down the road, they may go, "Meh, that wasn't anything magical" and dump you. Thank you for this - I really needed to hear it. I agree with you completely. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) If people get bored of me before I'm ready for sex, good riddance. I've never had that happen though. I see men talk all that but really they love/hate it. xD Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
Woggle Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 Sleep with who you want but know what you are getting into in any situation. 1
rightondude Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) Not to thread hijack, but this did get a lot of attention in this thread ... going back to the unprotected sex ... I have been amazed at the fact all the women I've been with since my divorce have been all for it, without any coaxing or request on my part. I am "fixed" so I don't really have worries about the pregnancy, and I'm stupid in that I figure any woman with a (known) STD wouldn't knowingly jeopardize my health. I've realized my stupidity and will be getting checked out this week. I don't plan on ever having unprotected sex again until it's with someone I'm in a relationship with and it's confirmed they are clean as well. But I have been really surprised there has been no mention of protection with any of the seemingly intelligent and together women I've been with. I say seemingly because the last woman I was with, an hour after she and I had unprotected sex, her ex busted in and tried to kill me. So I guess I've been with everyone that psycho has been with. Hope the dice roll comes up 7's for me. Edited September 25, 2017 by rightondude 2
Author DivaR23 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Posted September 25, 2017 Not to thread hijack, but this did get a lot of attention in this thread ... going back to the unprotected sex ... I have been amazed at the fact all the women I've been with since my divorce have been all for it, without any coaxing or request on my part. I am "fixed" so I don't really have worries about the pregnancy, and I'm stupid in that I figure any woman with a (known) STD wouldn't knowingly jeopardize my health. I've realized my stupidity and will be getting checked out this week. I don't plan on ever having unprotected sex again until it's with someone I'm in a relationship with and it's confirmed they are clean as well. But I have been really surprised there has been no mention of protection with any of the seemingly intelligent and together women I've been with. I say seemingly because the last woman I was with, an hour after she and I had unprotected sex, her ex busted in and tried to kill me. So I guess I've been with everyone that psycho has been with. Hope the dice roll comes up 7's for me. Amen to that! I will never have unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship with someone I know is clean EVER again! Thankfully, I got tested after this fiasco and everything is good. Thank God. What can I say? We're all human & we make stupid mistakes sometimes..
Gaeta Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 Thankfully, I got tested after this fiasco and everything is good. Thank God. What can I say? We're all human & we make stupid mistakes sometimes.. Getting tested after a fiasco is useless. Some std take up to 3 months to show up in a blood test. You need to go back in 3 months and ask them to include hsv 1 & 2. It's not automatically tested when you ask for an std screening. 3
Zahara Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 Getting tested after a fiasco is useless. Some std take up to 3 months to show up in a blood test. You need to go back in 3 months and ask them to include hsv 1 & 2. It's not automatically tested when you ask for an std screening. Exactly. Along with HPV, which is prevalent. There is no blood test. If infected, it can take 3-6 months for symptoms to show. Or sometimes it may just remain dormant in your system. 2
Author DivaR23 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Posted September 25, 2017 Getting tested after a fiasco is useless. Some std take up to 3 months to show up in a blood test. You need to go back in 3 months and ask them to include hsv 1 & 2. It's not automatically tested when you ask for an std screening. Thanks! Will do. 1
SevenCity Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 Not to thread hijack, but this did get a lot of attention in this thread ... going back to the unprotected sex ... I have been amazed at the fact all the women I've been with since my divorce have been all for it, without any coaxing or request on my part. I am "fixed" so I don't really have worries about the pregnancy, and I'm stupid in that I figure any woman with a (known) STD wouldn't knowingly jeopardize my health. I've realized my stupidity and will be getting checked out this week. I don't plan on ever having unprotected sex again until it's with someone I'm in a relationship with and it's confirmed they are clean as well. But I have been really surprised there has been no mention of protection with any of the seemingly intelligent and together women I've been with. I say seemingly because the last woman I was with, an hour after she and I had unprotected sex, her ex busted in and tried to kill me. So I guess I've been with everyone that psycho has been with. Hope the dice roll comes up 7's for me. I've found this as well. I've actually had women get upset when I insisted on using protection (two of which I later found out had HSV2 - I've tested clean years later thankfully). There is no way in hell I would have unprotected sex with a woman with whom I am not in a committed relationship. I've had friends who didn't use protection and they had no issues finding women who were ok with it. I think often women get caught up in emotions and don't think logically when in the throws of passion. I've also come to realize that relationships are temporary, but some STDs are forever.
CryForNoOne Posted September 25, 2017 Posted September 25, 2017 Not to thread hijack, but this did get a lot of attention in this thread ... going back to the unprotected sex ... I have been amazed at the fact all the women I've been with since my divorce have been all for it, without any coaxing or request on my part. I am "fixed" so I don't really have worries about the pregnancy, and I'm stupid in that I figure any woman with a (known) STD wouldn't knowingly jeopardize my health. I've realized my stupidity and will be getting checked out this week. I don't plan on ever having unprotected sex again until it's with someone I'm in a relationship with and it's confirmed they are clean as well. But I have been really surprised there has been no mention of protection with any of the seemingly intelligent and together women I've been with. I say seemingly because the last woman I was with, an hour after she and I had unprotected sex, her ex busted in and tried to kill me. So I guess I've been with everyone that psycho has been with. Hope the dice roll comes up 7's for me. Sadly I found this to be true as well. I will never forget this teacher from an elite private school that I hooked up with on the first date last year. I asked her if she had protection, and she replied "You mean like mace?" I had to insist on going back to my car to get a condom. Mind you this was a teacher that is shaping the minds of our future business and political leaders...
rightondude Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I've found this as well. I've actually had women get upset when I insisted on using protection (two of which I later found out had HSV2 - I've tested clean years later thankfully). There is no way in hell I would have unprotected sex with a woman with whom I am not in a committed relationship. I've had friends who didn't use protection and they had no issues finding women who were ok with it. I think often women get caught up in emotions and don't think logically when in the throws of passion. I've also come to realize that relationships are temporary, but some STDs are forever. I feel I should add I certainly don't blame these women. They're no more responsible for asking me to wrap it up as I am to do so for my own protection. After being out of the game so long and never wearing protection before (I was tested prior to being married), I have to admit the passion got into me too and I really didn't want to introduce the awkwardness of stopping to put on a rubber. It's something I've never done in my 40 years and I've already had stage fright from being denied sex during my marriage and a host of other esteem issues. But whatever, I've gotten over that hump and now pray I came out unscathed.
joseb Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I've found this as well. I've actually had women get upset when I insisted on using protection Same story here- it always amazes me Like I'm doing a terrible thing insisting I wear a condom. What do they want - to play Russian roulette with STDs and pregnancy? I have a theory that some secretly want to get knocked up, whether it's the clock is ticking and they don't care how, or maybe they are looking for some child support - otherwise I really don't understand why they would take such massive risks.
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