Sara1989 Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Just want to add, you are crazy for having unprotected sex with this guy. You better get checked out ASAP, he most likely has played this act on lots of women and you slept with him with no protection...aren't you afraid of STDS? Surely this is common sense. 2
Zahara Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Thank you, Zahara. Your advice really resonated with me. I am going to ignore him & move on. Lesson learnt. OLD probably isn't for me. I've been where you are -- OLD is not a place to go into when you're vulnerable. Your radar is likely broken and you're entering with the intent to escape from pain or discomfort. So the first one that comes along and grabs your attention, you blindly jump in because you're in some way desperate to be "rescued". This is when you'll pick the wrong ones, but even worse attract the ones that can smell your vulnerabilities. If you're fresh out of an ending, the best thing you can do for right now is to cultivate a relationship with yourself. Focus on truly healing and seeking emotional freedom and independence. It's worth it. 3
GemmaUK Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Just my opinion but he moved things way fast in the beginning and that for me would be ringing an alarm bell. Sounds like it might be a bit too soon for you to be dating but when you do date you need to decide your own boundaries and stick by them. Agreeing to go to his place so very soon is a bad plan. To me that doesn't signal a good connection or feeling flattered - quite the opposite - unless all I am after is a bit of fun. Sleeping with him so soon also - yeah, you can't now attempt to be someone different with him. It may be not at all you but it was that night so you have set an expectation on his part in that sense. I would definitely get yourself checked out but also chalk this up as a learning curve. 1
joseb Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 The biggest problem here is the unprotected sex. Whose idea was that? Have you checked you aren't pregnant? And have you tested for stds? Second red flag is you are just out of a ltr. If you want to have fun, then have fun. But I don't think you are ready for anything serious. Personally I don't think this guy played op any more than she played him. She was up for sex just as much as him. And he has reached out, while she plays an aloof game and never once initiating. 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I think him reaching out and texting means very little unless he asks for another date (firm time and place). Otherwise, he is stringing you along just to keep you on the line for a repeat sex if/when he needs it. Woman's intuition is always right. Chit-chat texting is only a good sign if another date has been planned. 4
Popsicle Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 It's both of your fault that you had sex so soon, not just his fault. I do not think he "used you" just for sex, any more than I think you used him just for sex. But you two do not have an emotional connection yet, so he doesn't know what else to say or do, just like you don't. If you're trying to take things naturally, this is a normal feeling. If you have sex too soon it takes away the natural drive to get to know someone, in the absence of common interests. Then you're left going, ok what do we do next? 6
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Yes you need the sex thing prioritised and worked out in your head before you leap into strange men's beds, have bareback sex and then regret it... BUT you also need to ask yourself why, as a 34 single woman, you were willing to date a 44 yo guy with two daughters who are just about to hit puberty and their teenage years, a guy who is just recently out of a marriage to a cheating spouse, a wife who will stay in your life for years to come as they have kids together... Happy days! Sounds like a load of baggage, potential work, angst and upset to me, not forgetting the big age gap too... 4
so gutted Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Rich handsome men Lose interest quickly. He said all the right things and then moved on. They all say they want a relationship because they know you are already duped by the wealthy bit. Mr average doesn't stand a chance anymore. 1
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) One point that I need to make in response to people saying I was wow'ed by his money - I also come from a wealthy background and in addition, I have my own successful career. Money is not an issue, and he is well aware of that as he doesn't like dating women who are broke and/or in major debt with no aspirations of their own (especially after his disastrous last dating experience with a gold digger who had no career). I seem to attract wealthy men, because as a professional myself, I only date other professionals. Like attracts like I suppose. My previous 4-year relationship was also with a wealthy man..and the one prior to that. I don't think money is necessarily the problem. I made a huge error in judgment and did something beyond ridiculous, but there is no point lamenting over it, as it cannot be changed at this point. I have decided to ignore his last two messages and cut my losses. Too many red flags too early in the game. I am definitely deserving of half the blame as well and maybe me not initiating any contact is selfish and immature, so that further proves that I am in no state to be even entertaining the thought of a relationship - whether casual or serious - with anyone until I am healed from my previous LTR. Even if he continues to contact me and wants to set up a fourth date, which my gut is telling me he will do, I am going to stick to my guns and just ignore him. It's best to end things before they start and I potentially get badly hurt. Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer solid advice without personally attacking me - this to the lady calling me "crazy" ughhh no, I am not crazy, just human and sometimes the best of us make mistakes. This is a great community and I am glad I posted my story because it really opened my eyes to what I was refusing or unable to see, and for that I am extremely thankful. Edited September 23, 2017 by DivaR23 5
stillafool Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Nothing is more irritating than a grown woman who chooses to have sex and then starts claiming the guy used her for sex after she doesn't hear from him in 24 hours. Really? You wanted the sex too so why is he the bad guy? You are complaining that he didn't reach out to you but you are too full of pride to reach out to him. Why do you think you are better than him? It is quite possible that he has moved on to a more mature woman. 3
so gutted Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I think the fact that HE is rich plays a huge part. Money gives men the excuse to behave like this. If he was in a less desirable position he wouldn't get away with all the false promises. False hope of a relationship packaged with a credible man (business wise he must be sharp) can seduce many a woman. It seems like you have arrived at a good conclusion. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I know plenty of broke and loserly men who also lie, cheat and lead on women all the time. I don't think that his wealth has much to do with anything. And if OP is wealthy herself, why would she date men with no career or ambition? I wouldn't. 3
Woggle Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I know plenty of broke and loserly men who also lie, cheat and lead on women all the time. I don't think that his wealth has much to do with anything. And if OP is wealthy herself, why would she date men with no career or ambition? I wouldn't. It has less to do with money and more to do with how desirable you are. The more opposite sex desires the more license you have to treat them like this. It works both ways. Power tends to corrupt and being wanted by the opposite sex is a certain kind of power. You don't need a lot of money to have that. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) And it's just me, but I don't like his comment he was "used for his money" by last woman. Could be true she only wanted his money, but whenever I hear men say stuff like that, I'm usually thinking he's got a complex. She didn't "use him" without his consent. Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) Yes, I definitely agree with the desirability factor & it indeed does go both ways. Maybe that's why I haven't put in any effort to initiate contact & expect him to do all the work. Something I definitely need to work on because then I am just as bad as him & using the power of my looks etc. Cookiesandough, you make an excellent point & something that struck me as a red flag as well. He seems to shift blame on his partners for the relationship(s) going sour - first with his cheating wife & then his gold digging underachieving ex-gf. It takes two to tango & I am certain he probably contributed to the breakdown of both relationships. Do you really think ten years is a huge age gap? I am not asking for him, as I am done with him, but just genuinely curious how people feel.. I seem to always be attracted to men older than myself. My last two partners were older than this current man. Edited September 23, 2017 by DivaR23
SevenCity Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Thank you to everyone for your solid advice. I truly appreciate it. I know I acted like a fool, especially not using protection, and I will never let that mistake happen again. I think I agree with those of you who said it's too soon for me to be jumping into anything after just getting out of a 4-year relationship. I definitely need more time, because the way I behaved with him goes against everything I stand for. I don't sleep around and I don't know why I did this time. Maybe I was looking for someone to help me forget about my ex, but this isn't the right way to go about it. I think it's best for me to just not respond - I'm sure he'll get the drift. If I can take anything positive from this, it's that I will be smarter and ready when I meet the right guy. Interesting. Now it sounds like you are using him for sex! Funny how all this was in your head and it's somehow his fault? I don't get it? 4
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Interesting. Now it sounds like you are using him for sex! Funny how all this was in your head and it's somehow his fault? I don't get it? Yeah, I am just as confused..trust me. Maybe I was projecting onto him or maybe we are both guilty of using the other. I have no clue, which is why I came to this forum to share my story and get some unbiased opinions from strangers. I think it's a good idea to stop speculating & trying to make sense of something that is probably best left alone.
Woggle Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 She didn't use him. Even if you don't want anything more from a person some people want to know that they could have more if they wanted it. They like to at least know that the option is there even if they have no desire to use it. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 She didn't use him. Even if you don't want anything more from a person some people want to know that they could have more if they wanted it. They like to at least know that the option is there even if they have no desire to use it. This is very true. Even when I am unsure what I want, I prefer for a guy to want a relationship rather than something casual. I always reject "casual" guys straight up. 1
Woggle Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 This reminds me of the time I had a casual arrangement with a woman right after my divorce and we both agreed that it would only be casual. She thought relationships and love were for weak women who depended too much on men and I fully admit at the time I was a stone cold misogynist and not in the loser red pill way but in the emotionless love and leave em way. I stuck to the casual thing but she fell hard for me. If I wanted to she would have eloped with me that day. I think the issue was not that she really had feelings for me but she couldn't stand the fact that she couldn't make a man fall for her. As much as she complained about clingy men who fell for her deep down it soothed her ego and she didn't know what to do when she didn't have that power over a man. I have player friends who fell for a woman when she didn't care whether or not he called her back. 2
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) Yea human nature is funny that way. But is it really falling for someone or just an ego thing? Like once the person finally succumbs you can lose interest. I know because this has happened to me several times. Went from feeling smitten by a guy who I believed out of rewcg then when he actually fell for me it was almost disgust pretty instantaneously. Weird. Guess it's the good old chase. Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
Woggle Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Yea human nature is funny that way. But is it really falling for someone or just an ego thing? Like once the person finally succumbs you can lose interest. I know because this has happened to me several times. Went from feeling smitten by a guy who I believed out of rewcg then when he actually fell for me it was almost disgust pretty instantaneously. Weird. Guess it's the good old chase. It very much as an ego thing. They want validation and when they get it they don't need it anymore. That is why I always tell guys to just lay their cards on the table when dating and the woman that returns it or doesn't run the other way when you show interest back is the one who is worth the effort. I chase after nobody. If they really are interested and not just trying to win some sort of love trophy then you never have to chase them. 4
preraph Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 So sounds like you're not going to be able to handle him having kids and them being he priority when he has them. He told you his kids are there this week. That's going to be what he's doing. He has made an effort to just touch base, and that's all you should need. Your insecurity is showing. If you want him, you better learn not to crowd him and to respect that his kids will come first and will take up most of his mind when he's with them, plus I assume he is a businessman with lots of work to do. You've given mixed messages to him. He's told you he's a grown man and sex is the most important thing to him in having a relationship. I get the feeling you think you holding out is supposed to impress him, make him think you're not easy, or wring a commitment out of him. But you actually are who jumped his bones first because he was taking too long to kiss you on the first date or so. And now you've had unprotected sex all in the first three dates, if I'm not mistaken. So time to stop trying to play the "I'm not easy" card to leverage commitment. It's too early for you to be making demands and waiting by the phone, so stop it and act like an adult here. That's your insecurity. This is just a few dates so far. You don't even know him nor him you. You need to slow yourself down before you force him to dump you. 4
kendahke Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) I think the fact that HE is rich plays a huge part. Money gives men the excuse to behave like this. So, he owes you a relationship just because you two had sex? In the future, quit dating wealthy men since this is your line of thinking. He behaved in a way that you allowed. At any time, you could have said "no" and stopped dealing with him, but you didn't. The fact of the matter with him is: he can get sex/buy sex anywhere if he's ballin' like that. Money doesn't confer any noble qualities on any man, any more than a 26 inch waistline doesn't confer any noble qualities on a woman. Both can be ratchet as hell. If what you want is a relationship with some man, before your panties are on the ground at your ankles, make sure that you and he want a relationship and the same things out of one. You never go into negotiations after the fact when you're in the weaker position because you played your strongest card first. And don't put yourself in positions where you're feeling like this afterwards. Your first loyalties are always for your feelings and your own self esteem. You don't hand those over to anyone else to manage. Edited September 23, 2017 by kendahke 1
SevenCity Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 So, he owes you a relationship just because you two had sex? In the future, quit dating wealthy men since this is your line of thinking. He behaved in a way that you allowed. At any time, you could have said "no" and stopped dealing with him, but you didn't. The fact of the matter with him is: he can get sex/buy sex anywhere if he's ballin' like that. Money doesn't confer any noble qualities on any man, any more than a 26 inch waistline doesn't confer any noble qualities on a woman. Both can be ratchet as hell. If what you want is a relationship with some man, before your panties are on the ground at your ankles, make sure that you and he want a relationship and the same things out of one. You never go into negotiations after the fact when you're in the weaker position because you played your strongest card first. And don't put yourself in positions where you're feeling like this afterwards. Your first loyalties are always for your feelings and your own self esteem. You don't hand those over to anyone else to manage. I still don't get it. What did this guy do wrong? Was he too sexy / rich? He said he wanted a serious RL. They had sex MULTIPLE times. She never once reached out first. He continued to reach out and the OP says it's best to ghost him because she gave it up too quickly. I may be stupid, but for the life of me I don't understand how he's a player and only after sex with the information provided. She never initiated and ghosted him yet he is in the wrong? WTF???? 7
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