DivaR23 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I am sure this topic has probably been covered extensively, but I am new to dating so forgive me if I come across as naive. Here's my story: I have been in serious committed relationships since I was 20 and I am now 34. I never dated much in-between, so this is the first time in a long time that I am actually back in the dating world. I left my last partner of four years about six weeks ago. We were sort of engaged, as he had given me a commitment/promise ring, but our relationship was toxic on/off for the last two years, possibly longer. It took a lot for me to finally walk and not look back. I am an attractive and successful young career woman so I don't have any trouble meeting men, but I decided to go on a dating site to test the waters. A man who lives in the same city as me contacted me on the site about three weeks ago. He was very eager to exchange phone numbers so we could chat more and ideally meet in person. After exchanging WhatsApp messages with him over the course of a week, we met for our first date, which he arranged - dinner at one of the most fine dining restaurants in town. He even picked me up, which I found very sweet and gentlemanly. I sort of just felt comfortable with him right away, even though he is 10 years older than myself. We had amazing conversation at dinner and I could tell he was really feeling me. He wanted to prolong the date and asked if I would like to go to his favourite gelato place, which we did. After that, we went to a condo that he owns in the downtown core to have a drink and talk some more. The whole date lasted 5-6 hours and we ended it with him making the move to kiss me, but he was taking too long so I just started kissing him. Then he dropped me off home, but we exchanged a few more passionate kisses in the car. I felt very attracted to him and I could definitely see the feeling was mutual. He contacted me the next day telling me how much fun he had and didn't waste any time setting up a second date just two days later. He invited me to his home and said he wanted to cook me dinner. I knew he was wealthy, but when I got to his home, it was more of an estate and really looked like something out of a movie. I was nervous, but also excited, as I had definitely felt a connection with this man and really enjoyed the conversation we had on our first date and even through WhatsApp. We both seemed to be on the same page: wanting a relationship and not looking to have any casual hookups. He shared a lot about his family, friends, and life in general. He has been divorced for two years, as his ex-wife cheated on him, and he has two young daughters with her - aged 8 and 12. He has had one relationship since his divorce, which lasted a year before he broke it off with her last Christmas because she was using him for his money. So, I knew he was hurt from the past and definitely guarded. Anyways, date 2 went great as well. He is an amazing cook and I was touched that he welcomed me into his home and cooked for me. We kissed some more that night and things got heated, with us ending up in the bedroom. Thankfully, I was on my period so I wouldn't let things progress too far. We did engage in some serious pre-sex activities though, but I told him then that I wasn't wanting to have sex so soon because I believe sex should come after commitment. He disagreed and said that having sex early on is not a bad thing and that he wasn't just after sex (he has many opportunities to have sex because he is attractive and wealthy). He seemed almost eager to have sex with me on my period. It was a bit strange, but I chalked it up to him being a horny man who probably hasn't been laid in awhile. He indicated that he is very selective in who he sleeps with. I was flattered, silly me. He messaged me the next day and again said he had a good time and that he would like to keep getting to know me. I told him then to not move so fast sexually and to treat me the way he would want someone to treat his daughters, to which he responded that he is very physically attracted to me and that physical attraction is very important. He didn't waste any time setting up our third date. He actually wanted to meet sooner, but I decided to make him wait a couple of days. So, in one week, we had three dates. For our third date, he indicated that there was a movie he was dying to watch and asked me to accompany him to the theatre. Unfortunately, that movie was only playing earlier in the day, and due to prior commitments I couldn't make it out to his home until later that day. However, I was eagerly wanting to watch a different movie and let him know and he agreed that we would go watch it instead. I met him at his home and he drove us to a nice beachfront restaurant for a light dinner/drinks before the movie. We had great conversation and the air was full of sexual tension on both our parts. During the movie I held onto his arm and had my head on his shoulder the entire time, with him touching my leg. I wanted to have sex with him at this point, despite my earlier reservations. The attraction between us really was that strong. We went back to his place and the plan was for me to spend the night, which I did. We had unprotected sex several times that night and twice the next day. However, during the night he didn't cuddle me as we slept and when I asked him about it the next day jokingly he said he had gotten used to sleeping alone and would need to adjust. He was sweet in the morning and made a point to say that he wasn't kicking me out. He wanted to make me breakfast and have sex again, but I got overwhelmed and made an excuse to leave. Before I did leave though, we talked some more and he again told me that he is looking for a serious relationship and that the right woman for him will be spoiled, both materially, but also with this love because he has so much love to give. I left that day feeling very confused and overwhelmed. I felt that maybe I had sex too soon, which is out of character for me, as I generally only have sex in committed relationships. No one held a gun to my head and I am an adult, so I was just as responsible for what happened as him. I think he picked up on how uneasy and uncomfortable I was feeling. He messaged me the next day asking how my weekend was going, but I didn't reply for hours, as I got busy with work. I had just closed a business deal and he seemed happy for me. We exchanged a few more messages for the next two days, but he made no mention of a fourth date (but he did mention on our third date that he would be having his daughters this week again so I am sure he is busy with that). The last message I got from him was three days ago and it was just something random and funny about him being in a meeting with people from the same background as me who were speaking a different language. I think it was his way of just keeping some sort of communication going. I replied back with something funny and that was it. I haven't heard from him since and I am wondering if he used me for sex. I feel like he was messaging more before. I never initiated any contact with him, not since day one, and not now. I only respond. If he doesn't message first, I don't say anything. I don't even have his number saved on my phone because I don't want to get weak and reach out. I feel like it's up to him, as he's always been the one taking the lead since three weeks ago when he contacted me on that dating site. I don't even know what I want from this man, and I really shouldn't feel angry or annoyed because it is so early and we literally just started dating two weeks ago. is it too early to say that he is pulling back? Could it be that maybe he thought things are moving too fast as well? I just want to make sense of it so I can stop driving myself crazy thinking about it. When he reaches out again, which I know he will do, is it crazy for me to tell him I need someone more reliable and consistent with their efforts? I know he has two young daughters and a busy career, so am I being unreasonable? Did sex change everything, even though he said it wouldn't? I refuse to reach out to him, but the waiting game is torture. I have a busy life with work, friends, family, exercise etc, but it's weighing on my mind and I feel guilty for going against my values and beliefs and having sex so soon. I think I was just horny and lonely and needing that touch. The sex was good, so maybe I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. Also, if he was totally uninterested, why still message me for days after? Why talk to me about wanting a serious relationship even after we had sex? This guy is confusing and I don't like to be confused. I wish I had never met him.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I wish I had never met him. And yet you are allowing yourself to go into an emotional roller-coaster about this. Ugh. He probably has other options that he is exploring, unfortunately. Not only did you go to a stranger's house on the second date, but you also had sex. He did not respect your desire to hold off on sex, so he played you. Sorry, but it was all too easy for him. He may have been cheated on and the last relationship may have ended b/c the ex was using him for his money, but that is his side of the story.
Cersei Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Oh boy. I really feel bad for you. Guys and our own hormones can make it hard to stick to our morals can't they? It sort of sounds like he is a guy who has always gotten what he wanted because he can charm people and use his money. The first thing I thought reading your post was that he is using you for sex. I could be wrong. 1
limichelle Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Speaking as someone who ended a decade relationship three years ago. I understand the lonlieness and needing to be touched. I don't think you did anything wrong. The guy seems to want a highly sexual relationship to stay interested it sounds like. I think you need to be true to you and stick to your values and beliefs on sex. If he can't deal with slowing things down he's not worth it. My boyfriend and I have been together almost three months now and we want to save sex for later on when the time is right. Right now we benefit from cuddling and kissing and learning about each other. That's the way it should be. Sex rushed can confuse and create more friction. Please use protection though next time so you don't end up with an STD or unwanted pregnancy. I know you know this, it's just I cringed at the multiple unprotected sex parts. 3
SevenCity Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) You're playing games - how is it working out for you? If I did all that for a woman (I wouldn't) and then had sex with you and you never once reached out I would either think you were not interested or immature and playing games. I would focus m my efforts on women who appeared more interested. He could have just used you for sex but that seems like an awful lot of work. Especially if the guy is rich and handsome. Edited September 22, 2017 by SevenCity 6
Miss Spider Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Yeah, he sounds like a player. I don't see how alarm bells didn't go off in your head. I'm sure it's open season for handsome rich men like this on OLD, especially with women who are recently out of very LTRs/marriages. How many women does he take back to his estate on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date and rawdog. x.x. Yikes. It sounds like a case of catch and release... Doesn't sound like good sex is worth it to you to deal with the repercussions of casual sex so probably just take this as a learning lesson 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 He could have just used you for sex but that seems like an awful lot of work. Especially if the guy is rich and handsome. What work? He had a date. He set up a second one and offered to cook for her AT HIS HOME. They had sex after he convinced her to relax on her values b/c he was good looking and wealthy. Nothing difficult or complicated what he did. 6
act00 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I don't understand why you can't text or call and say hi. Why can't you ask how the girls are and how their week/weekend is going, and talk a little bit more about his parenting schedule, so you know when he's occupied? I don't get this refusal to reach out. Are you interested in him? Let him know. He could easily move on to someone who is interested in him and willing to put in some effort, and show interested in his children because if he's serious about finding a long-term partner/wife, this person has to be willing and ready to help raise these young ladies. Games will get you nowhere. Not even TRYING will leave you wondering if anything would be different if you just reached out. If he was after the thrill of the chase to bed you, and sex is all he wanted, it's not going to change if you call him or not, but at least you put in a fraction of an effort. You're leaving him to do ALL the work, and that is selfish. He dumped his ex due to her using him for his money, supposedly. Your behavior could very well have his spidey senses going right now, thinking he has to do all the work, spend all the money, and you're only interested in him if he is doing something for you. But keep being stubborn and wait. 3
SevenCity Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 What work? He had a date. He set up a second one and offered to cook for her AT HIS HOME. They had sex after he convinced her to relax on her values b/c he was good looking and wealthy. Nothing difficult or complicated what he did. 3 dates in a week and cooking? Sounds exhausting to me. 2
SevenCity Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I don't understand why you can't text or call and say hi. Why can't you ask how the girls are and how their week/weekend is going, and talk a little bit more about his parenting schedule, so you know when he's occupied? I don't get this refusal to reach out. Are you interested in him? Let him know. He could easily move on to someone who is interested in him and willing to put in some effort, and show interested in his children because if he's serious about finding a long-term partner/wife, this person has to be willing and ready to help raise these young ladies. Games will get you nowhere. Not even TRYING will leave you wondering if anything would be different if you just reached out. If he was after the thrill of the chase to bed you, and sex is all he wanted, it's not going to change if you call him or not, but at least you put in a fraction of an effort. You're leaving him to do ALL the work, and that is selfish. He dumped his ex due to her using him for his money, supposedly. Your behavior could very well have his spidey senses going right now, thinking he has to do all the work, spend all the money, and you're only interested in him if he is doing something for you. But keep being stubborn and wait. Yup yup^^^
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I agree OP should do some intiating herself, but not with this guy. Chasing this guy is only gonna hurt her more. It's very coincidental that his interest just plummeted after the 3rd 'obligatory sex' date. Just a huge coincidence he started to tire of the chase then...I'm sure it's got nothing to do with sex
Zahara Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I told him then that I wasn't wanting to have sex so soon because I believe sex should come after commitment. He disagreed and said that having sex early on is not a bad thing and that he wasn't just after sex (he has many opportunities to have sex because he is attractive and wealthy). Yes, I am sure he turns down all those opportunities as well. Slick for trying to subtly break down your boundaries. The guy fed you lines and attention and you swooned. Before sex, he was in full pursuit. After sex, it's gone quiet. Pretty apparent. I am sure you were/are one of those many opportunities. 3
Miss Spider Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Op...are you sure this guy was..."clean"? 1
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel like a horny idiot who let my hormones get the best of me. I think I am still really vulnerable from my previous relationship and jumped into this without thinking. Yes, the red flags were there but I was choosing to ignore them. Maybe I was using him as a rebound to get over my ex...I don't know. This is so out of character for me so I don't know what is going on in my head. I'm usually smarter than this, so I am pretty disappointed in myself that I could allow this to happen. I think it's best to ignore him when he does reach out and move on. I definitely would't be intimate with him again anyways, so it would only lead him to think I am playing games to somehow trap him in a relationship and using sex as some sort of bargaining chip. As for why I don't initiate contact, I can't really say..maybe I am stubborn as well and need to put in more effort...but I don't think with him. Whatever his excuse when he gets back into contact - I need to ask myself if I even want something serious with a man who pulls away after intimacy. No, I don't. And yes, it is too coincidental that he was so eager before we slept together, so I do agree with some people that he got what he wanted. I just don't understand why a 44-year-old father of 2 who has been hurt like he has would even bother to go to any trouble when he can easily get sex anywhere. I don't want to invest any more time or emotion on this mess and should really just take this as a lesson learnt and not be so stupid the next time. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Don't feel bad. Having sex early changed nothing in terms of how into you he is/was. He sounds to me like sex was his primary interest - "cooking you dinner at his place" is ALWAYS a code for sex. It's not actually about a guy being nice and cooking for you. That said, you were attracted to him and enjoyed the sex. So it's not like you got nothing out of it either. I personally have sex when I feel it, and am fully prepared not to hear from the guy again. It's about what I want. 5
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Interestingly enough, he just sent me two messages right now asking me how I am doing and telling me that he is picking his girls up from school and that they have a busy weekend planned. Am I writing him off too soon? Should I try talking to him and telling him that the sex was too soon and if he wants to continue to date me that it will be strictly non-sexual until I am ready? Or should I just ignore him and run for the hills?
rightondude Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 yeah I'm not sure exactly what this guy did wrong. If anything he's playing the same silly game you are. I don't quite live on an estate, I'm more recently divorced, but this seems like the action I've gotten since then. Oooh I don't want to seem too eager, ooh I don't want to txt too soon/frequent, oooh what if she took that text the wrong way, ooooh I hope I didn't offend her by saying something too forward (even though we had wild sex just the week before). Man it's sooooo stupid. Also, kids and work keep divorced dads pretty freakin' busy. Add that to the fact he CAN'T make you #1, only a close #2 at best, and yeah.....life's hard. Boo hoo whatever, the whole modern dating game sucks. Unfortunately if you refuse to play you sit on the sidelines. 3
HarmonyDriven Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 He might really be interested in you, but is really busy when he has his girls. I guess you need to really ask yourself....do you like this guy? and see how it goes from there. You could text back and respond to his inquiries. However, I would not bring up any serious discussion via text (IMO.) As a side note, if you were in a committed 4 year relationship which ended 6 weeks before you slept with this guy, seems too soon IMO. So, maybe a rebound on your part. But, don't beat yourself up over the early sex, it is what it is and you learned from it. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 I think it would be very difficult to go from sex to no sex b/c of your values. He will likely say, "no deal." I know I would be seriously questioning the change. 2
Gaeta Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Once you have sex you cannot ask a man to stop it especially not a man in his 40s. He is too old for these games. You made your bed now you have to lay in it. If it works good if it doesn't it's not the end of the world you'll survive. You are only a few weeks out of a relationship it's almost ridiculous for you to date this soon. Please buy and use protection. You don't want to get an std you'll have to deal with for the rest if hour life. If he didn't use protection with you l assure you he didn't with all the other women he slept with. Sleeping with him was the same as sleeping with 36 people. As for him he's player. It's obvious he is used to charming women. His invitation for dinner at his home on 2nd date is laughable. Have fun while it last. 8
coolheadal Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Interestingly enough, he just sent me two messages right now asking me how I am doing and telling me that he is picking his girls up from school and that they have a busy weekend planned. Am I writing him off too soon? Should I try talking to him and telling him that the sex was too soon and if he wants to continue to date me that it will be strictly non-sexual until I am ready? Or should I just ignore him and run for the hills? No my dear you shouldn't even bother to feed into his ego and you are the one that counts. He's not thinking about you, he's thinking about himself his ego. He's doing what he knows best from his prior ex with you. You are expecting a knight to shine in your bed of love. Afterwards more of the same but Mr dad from prior relationship isn't thinking like that. One off at best now too busy to see you again..Excuse to use his kids to say that too you instead. Do the same say your busy when he contacts you and said he's busy to the point you just to n't make contact ever again. You both got what you wanted and who's the victim here you are because you feel hurt and cheated. Guys like this never take to the next level or they just don't want too.. 1
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Thank you to everyone for your solid advice. I truly appreciate it. I know I acted like a fool, especially not using protection, and I will never let that mistake happen again. I think I agree with those of you who said it's too soon for me to be jumping into anything after just getting out of a 4-year relationship. I definitely need more time, because the way I behaved with him goes against everything I stand for. I don't sleep around and I don't know why I did this time. Maybe I was looking for someone to help me forget about my ex, but this isn't the right way to go about it. I think it's best for me to just not respond - I'm sure he'll get the drift. If I can take anything positive from this, it's that I will be smarter and ready when I meet the right guy.
FastHands Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 IMHO I was thinking you could at least text how are things going. It's a relationship because both of you have been intimate. I don't think it's wise to believe a guy immediately or to fall for his $$$. Worst of all having unprotected relations is like the ultimate goal for any guy in a relationship. I think you should have used, at least- let's use protection until our relationship develops more or becomes more serious. 1
Zahara Posted September 23, 2017 Posted September 23, 2017 Interestingly enough, he just sent me two messages right now asking me how I am doing and telling me that he is picking his girls up from school and that they have a busy weekend planned. Am I writing him off too soon? Should I try talking to him and telling him that the sex was too soon and if he wants to continue to date me that it will be strictly non-sexual until I am ready? Or should I just ignore him and run for the hills? You just said in your other post that you saw red flags. When you're just starting to date someone and those start popping up, just walk away. When you start seeing yourself breaking boundaries and feeling pressured to do it, you walk away. The guy was pushing for sex. He was rushing the process. It's fine if that's what you wanted too, but it seems that you want more. Sex without protection -- do you think you're the only one he's doing that with? No. He knows what he's doing. He's in control. You on the other hand seem to be easily swayed. Its self-destructive. Don't get caught up with his charm and flash. You'll find that OLD is riddled with people that present themselves to be whatever they choose to be, and often say whatever they think you need to hear to get what they want. He smells of it. If you're going to OLD, walk in with healthy boundaries and a thicker skin. 3
Author DivaR23 Posted September 23, 2017 Author Posted September 23, 2017 Thank you, Zahara. Your advice really resonated with me. I am going to ignore him & move on. Lesson learnt. OLD probably isn't for me.
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