broken-hearted89 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Dear all, so just a little background to my story. I had been in a relationship with this amazing man for a year. We both lived away from home in another country, and since the first day we met, we clicked instantly. I fell really hard for him and he dis too. He was very caring, supportive and loving of me that I started believing there are really some nice men out there, and he qas definitely one. Our relationship was built on trust, honesty, fun, and was pretty deep and meaningful. We rarely fought, and even then, they wete small disagreements that we eventually solved in a very respectful manner. It was perfection except for one big problem, he was going through a divorce at the time, and his ex was giving him a very hard time. Blackmailing him in every way possible, from giving him problems at work, denying him from seeing his two daughters, and mentally, verbally and even once physically abusing him (all things I witnessed first hand). So I know for a fact all was true. Needless to say, it took a toll on our relationship, his mood started regressing, his psychological state was deeply impacted that no amount of my support would do anything for him as it used to. This, plus other stuff lead to us us eventually breaking up (his idea) and I cut off all contact in order to heal although he was against it and begged for us to stay in touch. He tried to reach out to me multiple times in which I haven't respnded to most. But after 8 months, I finally gave in and met with him, and before we know it we were back together. He told me that his ex is still making his life miserable and he wishes all the time he would die than deal with all of this. He says how much he hates what this is doing to the kids, and feels like a bad father. Although his entire family is supporting his decision (and even hers) she just cant seem to accept this fact. To top it all, he is also having some other troubles with work, and is just in a very bad state. This is the current situation and I am trying to be there for him as much as possible, but most of the times he shuts off sometimes for days and Im left helpless. First two months were great, he was really happy to be back with me first couple of months, then problems started arising and as he explains it just got worse than first time we were together. For about a month now, we would meet and spend a couple of days together, where he is loving and caring as he's always been then he disappears for days. He would tell me not to take it personal, it has nothing to do with me, and that when things get tough, he'd rather be alone. Understandably, I would let him be and try not to push him to anything. I would tell him I understand he needs time alone, and that I am here if he needs me. 3 weeks ago, he travelled for a week to Montreal for business (where he only worked for a day) and spent the rest of the week having fun. He didn't contact me most of the time, but I tried my best not be upset as I felt like he needed thia time away from all his troubles to cool off and that he deserved it. Last week, we met after he came back and it was great. Next day, he tells me that he is taking a trip abroad (to my home country) for a few days before going on a business trip for 2 weeks. Honeslty, that was it, I was pretty upset since this was a trip we had been planning to take together since we met but things always got in the way. At the moment, I cannot travel because of my visa status that I told him will be resolved in a week. I asked him to wait for me to go with him, and that I wanted to spend his birthday that was coming in a few days together, but he said we could go again when my visa is settled. I was pretty upset and tried to talk him out of it, but he still wanted to go. He said that he needed time away from all problems he's been having and before this stressful business trip, and that he only wanted to go and do some diving and chill. I know he isn't looking to hook up or anything and I completely trust him, and I know if my situation would allow me, he would have asked me to go with him. He said that he didn't like to argue with me, asked me not to be upset and that we'd definitely go after my visa status is cleared. He could tell I was upset, but we didn't have a big argument or anything. I thought he would at least contact me that day to clear the air but he didn't. Two days later, and he didn't and I thought maybe I over-reacted and felt like i should stay supportive even if I don't agree with his decision. I texted him but he did not respond, although I seen him online right afterwards. It's been 3 days now since I sent him that text and it's not like him to ignore me like that. I am pretty sure he is in his trip now but I don't understand why he isn't even responding to me. I feel completely taken for granted, he's out there having fun and not even acknowledging me. It's not just about that, it's about everything that's been happening lately with him. I am afraid he wants out although I know he loves me and he said last time we met he does and wouldn't do anything childish like ghost or play me. He's 41 and I am 28, but this age gap has never been a problem. His birthday is tomorrow and I don't know if I should do anything about it. Last year on same day we went on an amazing two day trip that I booked for us. I thought since I know nothing about where he is or what he's doing at the moment I should maybe just send a happy birthday text, although I don't know if I should when he is ignoring me. I am tired but I dont wanna lose him. When we were broken up for 8 months, I dated a couple other men, but I realized he is the one for me and what we have is really special. I wanna save this so bad but Im really confused and exhausted and dont know what he is thinking or what I should do. Any help please? It seems like the time he's spending by himself is more than what we spend together or even contact each other and I feel like he is drifting away. I wanna be supportive but same time I need to respect myself by not letting him walk all over me like that. And I feel like the more space I give him, the more he comes back amazingly for a couple of days, then shuts off even more Am I overreacting? How can I save this? I know he loves me and I am crazy about him, but what should I do?
coolheadal Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Why you can't wait until your visa status is settled. He told you would take you when it was. Nothing you can do about the visa until then. Just hold your emotions together my dear, your over reacting over this...
olivetree Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) I don't think you're overreacting. It doesn't sound like he takes your feelings into account all that much when making decisions, such as taking trips and not contacting you much. This relationship wouldn't work for me. I'd suggest you state your needs very clearly once, and if he doesn't try to compromise you end the relationship and find someone who wants the same relationship you do. You're right that he's taking you for granted. He knows what you want and what will make you happy because he gave it to you for two months (when you got back together). He should be continuously trying to gain your trust by giving consistent effort after breaking your heart. Your relationship should feel like it is progressing, not moving backwards like it is. Edited September 22, 2017 by olivetree 1
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 You are just an escape for him. He is dealing with his crazy ex, so he is distancing himself from you. It is what it is. IMO you don't date someone who is still involved with their ex. The problem lies with him and his baggage. I think you should cut him off until this crap with his ex is cleared up. If you don't you will be faced with more breakups, and him hoovering you back when he feels he needs to escape again. He is not ready for a relationship, and you both are kidding each other that this is fixable. It's unhealthy and unfair to you. 4
Gaeta Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I am very sorry for your distress. I know you don't want to lose him but by the sound of it he's already checked out of this relationship. That's the thing with dating people just right out relationships. At first they are always super kind and sweet, they thrive on the new-relationship energy and it helps them work through their divorce but once they're back on their feet and ready to face the world again they RARELY wish that 'rebound girl' to accompany them. He needed you back then, he doesn't anymore. I know you don't want to hear it but I think you should block him and move on with your life. Stay away from men recently out of relationships. 2
kendahke Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 he was going through a divorce at the time, and his wife was giving him a very hard time This is where I would have ended things. He's unavailable in the ways which count. Until he's got a divorce decree in his hands or her death certificate, he's married. what should I do? At the end of the day, he's married and his wife is not letting go of him as easily as you and he would like. That is the reality of your situation. Even so, at best, you're the rebound relationship that is fast becoming as stressful as the marriage he won't get out of (believe me, if he wanted to get out of that marriage, he would), so that's why he wants to take time by himself with no one tugging on him with expectations to meet. Right now, you need to just chill until he's got an executed divorce decree or her death certificate in his hands. 2
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