Caught my girlfriend cheating

[Billygg]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, sorry beacuase this is going to be really long. I need to take it all out and I want readers to have a complete understanding of the situation. So, sorry for the long text.

 

I’m new here, I have been reading your posts for a while but never took part in the discussion. I guess I’m not the kind of guy who believes he can feel better by talking to strangers in the internet, I just tried to find love stories of people who had experienced similar issues as me and see how the dealt with that. However, each story is special in its own and it’s not easy to find someone who has lived exactly your same issue.

 

I met her in tinder (I know, not the best start) and we were talking for 2-3 weeks before meeting in person. To be honest I wasn’t blown away by her in my first impression, but still, there was a very strong psychological connection, we could talk about anything and we could be our true selves with one another. Being with her was something natural, easy and authentic. I have never felt that way before with any other girl and she told me she had never had that kind of connection with anybody neither. It feels so good to be able to be yourself with somebody and knowing she loves you that way, without needing to hide anything from her.

 

Another good part of our relationship was the communication and honesty we had with one another. We frequently talked about our feelings and fears within the relationship. Kate (is not her true name but let’s just say it is) main drawback was that I didn’t pass the “3 second rule”. For those of you who are not familiar with this expression, it means “love at first sight”. It seems some people feel something incredibly intense when they meet someone for the first time. These emotions are so intense that there is no room at all for doubts, you know you want to be with that person.

She said I didn’t pass that “test” but I didn’t fail it either, I was somehow on the verge. To be honest I felt the same way, at first glance she seemed a good girl but wasn’t totally blown away by her. I don’t even know if it’s possible to feel this way about somebody even if you have only seen her/him for 3 seconds.

 

Nevertheless we soon discover we were happy together, that we could trust each other and that lack of “emotional intensity” was slowly being filled with a great link between us. There was also a good physical attraction.

 

Kate suffers from a moderate depression since she was a teen and met me a few months after getting out of a 5 year relationship with another guy (yes, I have considered being a rebound relationship but I didn’t feel the signs pointed in that direction). She was not sure of the cause of her depression but there is probably a strong genetic component (her father has been suffering from this disease for most of his life) plus other factors (her best friend committed suicide when she was in her early twenties, her last break up, etc). She frequently told me that her only way out of depression is to be in a healthy relationship, feeling supported and heard by someone (she is also having therapy but it doesn’t do much for her). This may explain the fact that despite being only 31 years old, she has already been in four long term relationships (three of them lasted for 5 years each and another of 1 year). So yeah, she started with LTR at a pretty young age.

 

I would lie if I didn’t admit that this responsibility scared me. I felt somehow responsible of her mental health. This is something I openly talk with her about it. However, as I started to develop strong feelings for her, I gradually accepted this challenge. For me, she was worth that responsibility and I felt I could give her what she needed.

 

So, after six months of relationship she goes to japan to spend the whole summer there (she is half Japanese, half European, and she has already lived in japan for many years in the past). You’ll be wondering why she wanted to leave if she had feelings for me. Well the truth is, Kate had been planning to go to Japan before we meet, she wanted a whole new fresh start after her last break up. Her plan was to spend the three summer months there, get back to Europe at the end of September to arrange a lot of missing stuff and return to Japan in January to establish herself there. She frequently told me she would love me to go to Japan with her in January, and I was ready to do it.

 

I didn’t want to change her summer plans, I felt she needed it to be with her family since they would probably be able to help her with her depression, so I encouraged her to go ahead with that (she was still pretty decided though). We agreed that during these three summer months we would talk each day and that I would go to see her to Japan for a few weeks in the middle of July. And that’s what I did. This was probably my best journey ever. Those two weeks with her in Tokyo and Yokohama were amazing. Some of my best souvenirs in life will always be at those two cities. I remember, at the airport, when we were saying goodbye, she told I have saved her and thank me.

When I got back to my country (in Western Europe) she was very sad. She felt a bit lonely and miss me, but we manage to get over it by speaking a lot each day. I encouraged her to go out and make new friends as I thought this would help her getting over her sadness until she got back to Europe in two months.

 

So she started hanging out with the members of a heavy music group (she is really into this genre) and started to look happy. I was incredibly happy for her, she was building a good social life in Japan and that seemed to help her a lot. However, this is where things started to get weird. Keep in mind she started hanging out with these people like a week after my departure from Japan.

 

From the first time she hanged out with this people (7 days after my departure), she began acting weird and being distant. The more she hanged out with this music band the less she would speak to me. Before going out with these people, she was really looking forward to speak with me every single day, she would text me a lot as well, she often told me how much she was looking forward to heard my voice, so I was pretty confused about how things changed really fast in only a week time: she switched from looking forward to speak with me every single day to avoid me like a horrible insect in only seven days. During the following two weeks where she was hanging out with this band the situation didn’t change a lot: she stopped texting and calling every single day, and she would text only each two or three days and avoid talking to me in the phone for long periods as well. At first I just thought she would pretty busy with her new friends, since they seemed to have an intense life (concerts, tourism weekends, partying, etc) but there was a second factor which made me more suspicious.

 

You see, this band is made of up of 5 members, and in all the pictures she sent me about the stuff she was doing with her new group of friends she was always (ALWAYS) next to the same guy (remember there are a total of six persons in the pics: the band + kate). No matter if they were having lunch, posing for a party picture or lying on the beach, these two were side by side in every single picture. If you are wondering about the number of pictures, keep in mind these were more than 20.

 

You may think I have a dirty mind and I cannot blame you, but bear in mind I had a past experience somehow similar. Some years ago, another ex gf (let’s name her Mary), would get uploaded to her fb account pics of her springbreak journey and she was always next to the same guy. Later on her best friend told me she didn’t have slept in her room for a single night in the whole week of vacation.

 

So yeah, my past experiences made more suspicious, but I though Kate was different from Mary, that she wouldn’t do that.

 

As for myself I began to feel the pain that something bad was happening, but I wasn’t sure if I was making all up or if it was something real. So I went for my brother’s opinion as well as a few friends. Basically what they told me is “The fact she is seeing another guy is a possible scenario, but it could be something entirely different, you should speak with her about it”.

 

So I called her and brought up the elephant in the room (a.k.a why she had been more distant during these three weeks). At first she would say things like “Yeah sorry, I have been busy wondering whether to go back to Europe in a few weeks or stay a bit more here in Japan”. This seemed like a total lie to me or maybe just the surface of what was really happening. Since she didn’t seem to want to talk about it, I decided to go for an “all or nothing strategy”, just like in my poker nights, I was ready to bluff, pretending to know something that I didn’t know at all. So, I told her, directly “I know you are seeing someone else there”…and she stayed silent for a few seconds.

After that extremely uncomfortable silence, she said “I admit I’m feeling a very strong attraction to another person here”. At this moment I was quite devastated but still, I needed to go on, I needed to know whether it was only an attraction which haven’t been materialized which would give me some hope to fix things or if, in the other hand, they have already been sleeping together, which would be a no return point. So I continue with my bluff strategy, pretending to know things that I didn’t know at all, and told her “Kate I know you have been sleeping with this person for these three weeks”. At this point, she got angry and shouted “You don’t know anything, you don’t know all the stuff which has happened during this month, so stop talking!”. Her reaction pleased me, as this is the kind of reaction that an innocent person accused of a crime she hadn’t committed would have. However, I needed to be 100% sure and decided to give another final shot, and continued “Kate, why are you lying to me? Please be honest. I know you have been with this person. Is not fair for me to be in this situation”. At this point, totally out of control and incredibly angry she confessed “yeah, I have slept with him, and he’s totally perfect for me!”.

 

I will earn you the rest of that 30 minute conversation, as you can imagine I told her how disappointed and devastated I was, that it only took her 7 days since my departure from Japan to met another guy and that she had destroyed everything. Her arguments were incredibly disappointing bringing up stuff like “this would have not happened if you had made a second travel to japan during the summer” or “I wasn’t sure you were ready to come to japan next year”, etc. That’s not true, I told her a lot of times, I wanted to live there, as Japan has always fascinated me.

 

We broke up…obviously. I said I wouldn’t be able to forget what she did (she didn’t beg for my pardon neither) and she said she didn’t felt anything for me anymore and she wanted to keep meeting this new guy.

 

That night she text me saying that the she was sure that the link and psychological connection she felt for me would never be felt for another guy in her entire life but that “sometimes, in life, imaginable and unexpected things happens”. I guess these last words refer to her new love.

She texted a few more times saying she wanted to stay friends, that we knew very well each other and that that could lead to a very good friendship in the future. I haven’t answered any of her texts and I won’t for a lot of different reasons. I won’t be her friend neither for a lot of obvious different reasons as well.

 

What hurts me even more about her texts messages is that is pretty obvious she doesn’t feel anything at all: no sadness, no regret, no guilt. Or at least that’s my impression. It seems she is only texting because she feels she has to after what she has done. But she looks more than ready to forget me and eager to go on with her new adventure. Her last text message said she wouldn’t insist or text me anymore and that I know where to find her. I’m pretty sure she is relieved about it, not to have to deal with this “uncomfortable situation” anymore.

 

There is something I have forgotten to mention about Kate. I’m not sure if it’s important or not but it still comes to my mind, not sure why. Some of the men that Kate met on her weekly routine (colleagues at work, heavy metal friends, even the doctor that was treating her) developed a romantic interest in her, they would even text her to see if she would like to hang out with them (even the doc gave her his personal number so that she could go with him to visit art galleries or something). At first I thought this was due to the fact that Kate is a girl who smiles a lot to people and “saying no” is not part of her vocabulary (probably because of her Japanese heritage, as this society is incredibly polite and saying no is considered as disrespectful). However I noticed than on several dates she would go to spontaneously talk to guys in bars or restaurants where we were having dinner or drinks. She always had a reason to do so (“oh this guy seems to be a japan/European hybrid like me” or “I’m not sure if he is Korean or Japanese, let’s find out”). I even remember once she was talking with the manager of the restaurant to cancel a booking, and the guy grabbed a card and wrote his personal number on the back of it and told her to call him in order to cancel it (I couldn’t hear the conversation since I was more than 10 meters away). When this stuff happened I felt kind of proud that my gf raised so many feelings among men, but now I can’t avoid thinking she was the one to purposely give hopes to the guys. I mean, this is probably something very common for a really hot girl, but Kate wasn’t the goddess of beauty. She was ok (6 or so) but definitely not in the 7-10 range.

 

Two weeks has passed since we broke up, and it still hurts and it probably won’t go for other several weeks, who knows. At this point, I’m still wondering what I did wrong.

 

Being dumped for another guy is a heavy blow to your self esteem and I can’t avoid to see myself as less physically attractive than her new love (despite all of my friends saying the new guy looks like a total loser…guess they say that to cheer me up). I have to deal not only with the fact of losing her, but it also with the fact at not seeing myself as someone unattractive… and some days this is a bit too much.

 

I’m having difficulties to process all of this. I can’t come to terms with the fact that only a week after my departure she met another guy and decided to be with him, after all of the things we have been together and the strong link we have built in several months. And the fact she shows no regrets or guilt through her text messages doesn’t help either. Fortunately she is not texting again.

 

Thanks for reading all, hope you haven't fallen asleep.

[Simple Logic]

Readers Digest version, "My girl friend went over seas and decided I wasn't the one". It is over, move one.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry she did this to you but you now know what kind of a person she is. Leave her be. She's not even with the effort you put in to type your post. She's a depressed, callous, cheater who lies & expects someone else (a BF) to be responsible for her mental health. There is no upside to this girl.

[Woggle]

Drop her and be glad to be rid of her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Anyone who actually abides by something as ridiculous as the "3-second rule" has the emotional maturity of a teenager. That should have been the first big red flag.

 

This woman's problem isn't that she finds it difficult to say no for cultural reasons. It's that she relies on and pursues male attention to validate herself. She likes being desired and she doesn't have any boundaries. She can't handle being alone. These factors combined make her a very poor candidate for a serious, committed relationship.

 

I am sorry you experienced this, OP. You didn't deserve this kind of treatment. Block her in every way you can so that you can heal and move on to a mature, higher-quality woman.

[Maldives]

This woman's problem isn't that she finds it difficult to say no for cultural reasons. It's that she relies on and pursues male attention to validate herself. She likes being desired and she doesn't have any boundaries. She can't handle being alone. These factors combined make her a very poor candidate for a serious, committed relationship.

 

 

Right there...make this ur daily mantra when u feel low and beat yourself up over this arsewipe

[IDB_2017]

You're better off without her. This girl is, in some ways, similar to my ex-GF who I recently split with (6 year relationship).

 

She was always incredibly friendly to everyone, even guys. Part of this was the fact that she was a bit of a tom-boy and worked in a male-dominated environment. I took this to mean she had very strong boundaries. But, in reality, she began emotionally cheating (at least) on me towards the end of the relationship during a period of long distance.

 

At the end, she divulged that she had lost 'the spark' and thought we should always have it between us. Emotionally maturity of a newt right there.

 

After NC for nearly 2 months, I can see it for what it is: my ex-GF, like yours, loves the 'ego kibbles' and needed validation. It makes so much sense now. Her obsession with social media was growing, she was a bit of an exaggerator about her achievements, she always brought conversation back to herself, she had a history of emotional abuse as a child and worried about losing friendships.

 

Low self-esteem is fine, many people have it, but when it is paired with a need for social validation then it enters dangerous territory where boundaries can be crossed easily.

 

You dodged a bullet, my man, never forget that. It'll only get better for you now.

[Billygg]

Thank you all for answering and readin that whole long text. You made really smart observations:

 

 

@d0nnivain:

 

As times passes I'm seeing her just that way. She is not really a good person at all. You have to be really selfish to do what she did. The though of "I did all I could and despite that she just went with another guy" is comforting. There was nothing I could do about it. I think this would have happened sooner or later.

 

@ExpatinItaly:

 

I haven’t answered any of her texts and today it has already been nearly three weeks since break up. She stopped texting a week ago though, and her texts were really short and lazy:

 

Day2:“how are you?”,

Day 5:“If you need to talk we can talk. In fact, I would actually like to talk with you”,

Day 8: “Should I consider I have lost you forever, or will you want to talk about it?”

Day 14: “Two weeks has passed. I will take your silence as what it is. I won’t insist and text anymore. You know where to find me”.

 

I’m pretty sure she is relieved not to have to contact me anymore, all she wanted was to start another adventure with this new guy and stop losing time with this “uncomfortable issue” (a.k.a me). I’m still shocked at how little I knew about her and what she did. Didn’t see it coming at all.

 

@IDB_2017

 

It’s incredible, the more you say about your ex, the more it looks as if we were talking about the same person.

 

My ex was incredibly obsessed with social media, she had a facebook account with more than 5000 members and she would post two or three pictures in a daily basis. Same with her whatsapp status.

 

She always hanged out with guys, she hated being with other girls, as she found their conversations boring and meaningless. Whenever she was with another girl was because they were both hanging out with the same group of guys.

 

The spark you mentioned, my ex called it “the three second rule”, but in fact is mostly the same. That was her main issue with me as well at the beginning.

 

I think that they are also very affected by the “grass is greener syndrome”. This article really helps explain how these kind of people think:

 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/03/16/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome/

[Chi townD]

Well, I'll be honest with you, she is feeling guilty. Thus, the texts and wanting to talk and wanting to remain friends. If you would have said, Sure we can still be friends, it would have eased her guilt.

 

So, right now, she's upset that sad that you won't talk to her. So, sooner or later that sadness will become vindictive. You stated that she's addicted to social media, you need to block her on all of it. Sooner or later, she's going to start posting things just to get under your skin. Get you mad enough to reach out and blast her. You would be blasting her, but at least you're talking. So, block her from all your social media. You don't need to see that crap.

 

I think later down the road, after the honeymoon phase of this new relationship is over, she probably will reach out to you one more time. Because, she would have reflected on how much she treated you like dirt and is curious to see if you hate her. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a nice person. So, she may reach out to see if this is the case. DO NOT RESPOND IF THIS HAPPENS!!!! Ignore her. If you respond like it's no big deal, then she can ease her guilt and forgive herself. "Oh look, we're broken up and we're still cool with each other!"

 

When you don't respond, she has no idea if you are angry or indifferent. No idea if you're happy or sad, no idea if you're moving on or still stuck on her. When you don't respond, YOU GIVE HER NOTHING!! She has no idea where your head is at. And she'll have no other choice but to hold onto that guilt. And that's what we want to happen to our Ex's, to feel guilty. But, not to punish them. We want them to have that guilt so they can learn from it. That they can't treat people the way she treated you and expect people to be okay with it.

[Billygg]

That is a good analysis.

 

I totally agree with the fact that many girls don't stand the certainty that there is someone who doesn't think they are good persons, a feeling which is even worsened if you know, deep inside of you, that you were the one who lead to that situation. The moral dimension of things is extremely important for them.

 

What happened between Kate and me left little room for subjective interpretation, she has 99% of the fault, and in the long term this is a fact which will haunt her from time to time, while me, on the other side, I'll be free from any regrets or guilty feelings, and will be able to move on from this relationship better than her.

 

If I gave her the opportunity to talk with me, not only I would ease her guilt by getting my friendship but I would also let her give some kind of super creative explanation which would led her to some kind of some selfdeception, and I don't want to giver her that, because she doesn't deserve it. I must respect myself as well, what kind of person would I be if I agreed to be friends with a girl who dumped me for another guy in just 7 days? She must know that her acts have consequences: each time she is with the other guy she must be conscious there was a price for that.

 

Despite thinking all of this, I'm still not prepared to unfriend her from facebook or block her in whatsapp. I have only been able to unfollow her from fb, this at least will not show her pics in my homepage and I will only know about her if I intentionally visit her profile, something which I haven't done in these three weeks.

 

You were right abut her contacting me again...she has just done it a few hours ago. This time she has sent an audio file of 3 minutes. I have not listened to it. I have not even entered whatsapp because I don't want her to see tha I have downloaded her audio file.

 

I know I must erase it, I know I should have blocked her, but still not able to

 

But what I'm really sure about is that I won't answer at all. Like you said, this is the only thing I can take away from her.

Edited September 27, 2017 by Billygg

[Buriall]

You are not doing yourself any favor by receiving these texts from her. Do you get satisfaction out of her reaching out?

 

Why can't you bring yourself to block her.? This will only prevent you from going forward

 

You must stop thinking with your heart. And for your own sanity block all incoming texts from her

[Billygg]

Yes, somehow I do get some satisfaction from seeing she stills try to contact me. Not sure how to explain this.

 

After being dumped by this other guy in only a few weeks one of my worst feelings is to cope to how unimportant I have suddenly become for her, and how easily she has forgotten about everything I did. The fact she still texts and shows a slight interest, makes that feeling a little less heavier but at the same time it reminds me of everything. i know you are right, I know i should block her, and I know I'm very near to doing so.

 

Oddly enough, the more she texts, the more I get to know how evil she is, which also helps to understand she was not the one.

 

I sent the 3min audio file to my brother as I didn't want to listen to it ( I get satisfaction from knowing she stills text but I try to avoid reading them... I know it's weird).

 

He send me a summary about what she said: "She says you have been very important for her in the past six months, and that is not being easy to forget about all of that and that she doesn't want to lose everything we had. She says she has failed you and she knows you won't be able to be a couple again not even trying it, as she admits being very happy with her new love and already in a "serious" relartionship with him. She will return at the beginning of november to Europe and she doesn't know if she is getting back to Japan or not. She wants to see you and speak to you".

 

My brother adds that the way she said all of that doesn't seem very authentic, more like if she was reading a paper which was hanged to her without really feeling what she is saying.

 

She clearly wants to gain my friendship to ease her guilt and, at the same time, recover the best of our past relationship: the communication, as this is something you can still do as friends.

 

It's funny as well how she says that se is already in a serious relationship with him...dear, you have been sleeping with him since the beginning of August, don't make it sound as if it was something recent and well thought.

 

Wont' give her anything: won't answer, won't meet her and won't let her know anything about me.