Hardest issue I ever had: I broke-up and want to be alone. I can't even stand my mom?

[tito1501]

Hi everyone,

 

In a nutshell, about this previous post, I started having sudden anxiety attacks.

 

I went to the psychologist and I was told that this happened because I forgot myself during my relationship:2 year living together in a different country. That I have been suppressing my feelings and putting my partner as number ONE priority in my life. Which is true, for years her mood would directly influence mine, big time.

 

Therefore, I decided that the best way for me to recover is to break up and find myself again. To get back to do what I really love and start getting a better understanding of who I am.

 

I told my partner that I probably still love her, but I cannot find what I feel in the middle of this fog. That the problem is not in the feelings we have, but in the relationship itself. It is not adding up much to my life. Actually, on the opposite, for months I have been only giving her support, always being the strong, positive one.

 

The issue is that we live together. Therefore I have to face her crying all the time and I have so much care for her. But I feel that if we go back, I will swallow all my doubts and anxiety back (which has been gradually going away after I broke up).

 

Now my mother has arrived and is staying with us in the apartment; we are staying in different rooms. It was a trip she planned long ago.

 

What makes me feel really **** is that instead of being happy that my mother is here, I feel overwhelmed. I feel worse than when I was by myself, working as usual. Yesterday as an example, I went for dinner with two friends and it was really great. Why with my mother or someone close, I feel overwhelmed?

 

I really appreciate your support. This is certainly the most difficult time of my life. I felt anxiety and there no message in my mind like "the cause of this anxiety is my relationship". I am literally guessing it is my relationship and my need to find myself and grow. but I feel I AM SHOOTING IN THE DARK.

 

Thank you !

[tito1501]

My first time posting over my own message.

Sorry guys, just hope I can get some insight as this is a hard one.

[No_Go]

Living together after break up is a soul-crushing experience. I've done it for 3 months last year and I ended up in ER at least partially attributed to the enormous stress.

 

Your mother will understand , I'm sure. Don't worry much about her now.

 

What people do not understand sometimes: relationships do NOT end in a day or two. It takes months to deconvolute, especially when you lived together. You still live together - i.e. You're still in a relationship .

 

Once you move out you'd see light. I had a blast of personal success after I moved out of my ex. It was like gaining my life back. You'll soon feel better, I'm sure.

[Gaeta]

Does your mom know you are broken up or you are hiding it for now?

 

Mom knows when something is wrong, have a heart to heart with her. Start apartment hunting with her.

[No_Go]

Does your mom know you are broken up or you are hiding it for now?

 

Mom knows when something is wrong, have a heart to heart with her. Start apartment hunting with her.

 

That's tough - maybe OP doesn't want to upset her? I was going through hell the previous time mom visited, but since it is once in 3 years, I decided to keep quiet [about an alcoholic dude who was mooching my money and making insane treats every night]... It was ... hard, but see, I made it and mom never knew (guessed something is off but thought - work)

[rightondude]

it stinks but it can be done. I got divorced, live under the same roof as my ex wife for 6 months until our house sold. I basically stayed in "my room" and she had the house. I slept on the couch for the whole 6 months.

 

Just avoid each other as much as possible is my advice. Communicate only when necessary.

[tito1501]

Hey everyone, thank you for the help so far.

Yes my mother knows everything about it. She is also rescpecting my space. I guess I feel irritated because they both like each other and I feel stucked in a house with the person I broke up with and my mom interacting with her a lot.

 

 

But anyway, why do I feel anxious even though I broke up? Is it because I am uncertain if I took the right decision? I dont even know how to be sure I did tje right choice. Maybe it is also because we still live together.

[tito1501]

Living together after break up is a soul-crushing experience. I've done it for 3 months last year and I ended up in ER at least partially attributed to the enormous stress.

 

Your mother will understand , I'm sure. Don't worry much about her now.

 

What people do not understand sometimes: relationships do NOT end in a day or two. It takes months to deconvolute, especially when you lived together. You still live together - i.e. You're still in a relationship .

 

Once you move out you'd see light. I had a blast of personal success after I moved out of my ex. It was like gaining my life back. You'll soon feel better, I'm sure.

 

 

How do I know I took the right decision? I broke up with this girl because even my psychologist told me that my relationship made me lose focus on myself. So I think the best is to be on my own. I cannot give love to someone now. But then... my girlfriend is all the time asking me to give her another chance and that everything will change. Then I started questioning myself on my decision a lot. like: am I giving up something extremely valuable we built because I was feeling bad for a while?

 

I just dont have the Green or Red light type of answer in my head

[maxi105]

hello tito1501

 

the relationship sounds as though it is better to finished with, you have done a lot of the giving to your partner and on top of this now feel overwhelmed with all the emotions she is bringing, so of course having your mother stay with you both is only adding to the extra burden (as a promised duty!) and that is the key word here I feel; DUTY!!!! there is so much to your short tale that sounds all about trying to do the right thing and accommodating other peoples situations.

 

I suspect you enjoyed your friends company because they were accommodating YOU (as a whole person) and it sounds as though the people that should have accommodated you by thinking of you at this time may not have done so in the most helpful way.(I'm sure it was not intentional, but it is doesn't sound helpful from what you say).

 

how long is your mother staying? can you get out of the house and spend some time with her to talk about what is really going on or what you want from all of this), you may benefit from her maturity, knowing you for a long time and ideas that she comes up with to help the different problems that are clearly caught up in the relationship and via your inner suppressions,

 

I'm guessing you would normally get on with your mother, is that right? or are things at times strained if you spend too much time with her? if you get on with her then I'm sure she will want to help you and do what's best for you. you must make sure she knows that her relationship with your ex is difficult for you at the moment.

 

it doesn't sound as though being around your partner is too healthy for you (and maybe visa-versa) but of course if your living together its hard; however have you thought about turning this around and maybe staying with your mother for a short while? you might consider this a backwards or difficult or impossible thing, but maybe for a weekend or something, just to get away from the depressive atmosphere of home. Plus you'll be able to talk about your partner from a constructive point and in discretion as a release of anxiety.

 

I wonder if your partners tears are the realisation that the comfy habit of your input of living together may soon be gone and the shock has hit her; but I'm not sure that's enough of a reason to go back to someone if you only talk of possibly loving them!!!

 

I think if you love someone you know it.

 

living to someone else's mood is very draining and exhausting!!!! I think this person is stripping you of part of yourself and I agree with the psychologist in that you need to reclaim your old self (in terms of the sparks that make you happy).

 

your friends know without trying; how to get your shine back, and that's probably why you enjoyed the time away from DUTY!!!! no cooking, no washing up and mess, no what shall we eat and then it turns into a situation or I don't want that or I want this, have we got this already in the cupboard etc... half the fun of dining out is the atmosphere and the fact that they bring you a menu and you choose (what a novelty!!!!) you don't seem to talk of fun or having much of a choice when you talk of your partner.

 

I think part of the anxiety is down to letting others down and possibly being so passive that you know and fear exactly what unfulfilling days lie ahead if you and your partner get back together; (or maybe I should say) if your partner manages to talk you back to being the couple - that I suspect you don't really want to be again!!!! only you know if what I am saying has any truth in it for you, and if it does may be it can help you start to think about the things that can get your life back on track from a happiness point of view.

 

I think you are doing the sensible thing here in asking for space and being separated for a while.

 

I could be wrong, but whatever you decide to do I think you need to be out of the oppressive atmosphere of your home if you can, and for some time if that is possible. a week, weekend or every other weekend or whatever. just get away on a regular basis to keep healthy or at least get space from the atmosphere, even another room with music on and the door closed is space.

 

whose house is it, if you have put money on your own or together into the house then you ought to get advice professionally about that and talk to your partner so you can plan what to do about your situation.

 

if you are renting then keep looking for somewhere that takes professionals if you work. could the friends put you up for the odd weekend or overnight stay?

 

I think the friends are a release for you , you can be yourself with them without expectations or duty you can say what you like and there is no pressures to impress or upset with speaking out, the relationships are different so you are valued as a person in your own individuality.

 

your mother may want things to work (even if they are not making you happy or won't do) simply because she wants to see things as they were; she doesn't know you in the same way your friends do and she may not see you as often either, where as your partner has seen you endlessly, but again in a different more intense way that friends and even more as you live together, when things are going wrong its more intense of course.

 

I think you are right to break up from your relationship and if I am honest, I wouldn't rush to get it re-started either!

 

give yourself time and as much space as you can find whilst being responsible to work, and of course make time for yourself to heal.

 

I think the more time you have away and on a regular basis, it might help to start to enjoy life and recover (or at least reduce the anxiety attacks) also being away on regular basis will force you and your unhappy partner to live as single people more as they will have to get used to not having you there and the fact that you are serious in being apart.

 

I'm sorry if that isn't the sort of reply you had hoped for, but it's my first thoughts on your post.

 

you ARE definitely on the right track, you just have to keep going, you'll get stronger each day and the fog will lift, and when it does you will start to feel more refreshed and bits of your old spark will return .

 

keep your good friends near without impinging on their good natures, but keep things honest with people who are suffocating you; and then go away, out of the house or spend time alone if you need the space or time to yourself (even in a shared house you need to find space), if you have to let your mother and partner know you need your space for a while let them know, it isn't necessary to be in each other's pockets all the time, especially if it is making you unhappy.

 

it isn't wise to try to be comfortable in each other's pockets if you don't feel that way for the moment. you will only build on inner tension and anxiety, and make your mother want to fix things even more.

 

regarding your partner asking to get back all the time, don't give in to it unless you are in love the way that you know you should be (and you don't sound in love to me) or unless you have had a considerable break and time as a single person and have regained your total old self and strength and feel you have found love again.

 

the key is YOU must find the love in the relationship after a long time to clear your head and emotions of the state they are in at the moment, its shouldn't be about someone begging you to be in stay with them or not to leave them out of habit or comfort due their lack of input into the relationship.

 

 

ok, that's my thoughts about it. good luck, I think time will be the real healer for you and your unhappy partner.

 

threes nothing to say you can't go back if you feel it, but just don't fool yourself that you need to if after time you are feeling healthier, stronger and happier in yourself. not all relationships make it, it's a sad thing, but it's just one of those things.

 

take care, and look towards the fun celebrations coming from now to the new year, I'm sure you will feel better every time you look back every week until then.

 

a new year can be a new you again so look forward to that.,ok, think about the good things to come as you work towards them, best of luck. maxi ps...there are lots of things you can do to get back your happiness. try to re-discover those, and they dont all cost money or involve you going out all the time, so try to stay as positive in small doses as you can. each day will make you stronger i promise.

[tito1501]

Hi Maxi105, T-H-A-N-K you !

 

This message really touched me and showed me exactly what I was trying to figure out. I am very grateful for this message and for you having taken the time to support in this issue.

 

I definitely feel that I need to be by myself now. Going back to her is like swallowing all my doubts and anxiety again. It is just the first time it happens to me: anxiety buiding up without me realizing it and kicking in a random moment, when we were kind of 'ok'. But looking back I can see that it was my relationship causing it. Honestly, even though she is now really nice and promising everything, I still feel people cannot change out of a sudden and also that now I have no love to give to her. I need to give it to myself.

 

My mother stays for 10 more days and she is aware that I need my own space. We have rooms in the apartment so wveryone can stay in their own when needed. I am totally avoiding to talk to my ex. Except for the hi bye basics.

 

My landlord said that he does not want me to leave his apartment (even though I know it could be rented to someone else in 1 day). He mentioned that if she leaves he will give me a reduction on the rent (as I could therefore afford).

I know it is going to be tough in the beginning when she leaves, but it is also a challenge I want to overcome. I really love this house.

 

 

 

 

 

hello tito1501

 

the relationship sounds as though it is better to finished with, you have done a lot of the giving to your partner and on top of this now feel overwhelmed with all the emotions she is bringing, so of course having your mother stay with you both is only adding to the extra burden (as a promised duty!) and that is the key word here I feel; DUTY!!!! there is so much to your short tale that sounds all about trying to do the right thing and accommodating other peoples situations.

 

I suspect you enjoyed your friends company because they were accommodating YOU (as a whole person) and it sounds as though the people that should have accommodated you by thinking of you at this time may not have done so in the most helpful way.(I'm sure it was not intentional, but it is doesn't sound helpful from what you say).

 

how long is your mother staying? can you get out of the house and spend some time with her to talk about what is really going on or what you want from all of this), you may benefit from her maturity, knowing you for a long time and ideas that she comes up with to help the different problems that are clearly caught up in the relationship and via your inner suppressions,

 

I'm guessing you would normally get on with your mother, is that right? or are things at times strained if you spend too much time with her? if you get on with her then I'm sure she will want to help you and do what's best for you. you must make sure she knows that her relationship with your ex is difficult for you at the moment.

 

it doesn't sound as though being around your partner is too healthy for you (and maybe visa-versa) but of course if your living together its hard; however have you thought about turning this around and maybe staying with your mother for a short while? you might consider this a backwards or difficult or impossible thing, but maybe for a weekend or something, just to get away from the depressive atmosphere of home. Plus you'll be able to talk about your partner from a constructive point and in discretion as a release of anxiety.

 

I wonder if your partners tears are the realisation that the comfy habit of your input of living together may soon be gone and the shock has hit her; but I'm not sure that's enough of a reason to go back to someone if you only talk of possibly loving them!!!

 

I think if you love someone you know it.

 

living to someone else's mood is very draining and exhausting!!!! I think this person is stripping you of part of yourself and I agree with the psychologist in that you need to reclaim your old self (in terms of the sparks that make you happy).

 

your friends know without trying; how to get your shine back, and that's probably why you enjoyed the time away from DUTY!!!! no cooking, no washing up and mess, no what shall we eat and then it turns into a situation or I don't want that or I want this, have we got this already in the cupboard etc... half the fun of dining out is the atmosphere and the fact that they bring you a menu and you choose (what a novelty!!!!) you don't seem to talk of fun or having much of a choice when you talk of your partner.

 

I think part of the anxiety is down to letting others down and possibly being so passive that you know and fear exactly what unfulfilling days lie ahead if you and your partner get back together; (or maybe I should say) if your partner manages to talk you back to being the couple - that I suspect you don't really want to be again!!!! only you know if what I am saying has any truth in it for you, and if it does may be it can help you start to think about the things that can get your life back on track from a happiness point of view.

 

I think you are doing the sensible thing here in asking for space and being separated for a while.

 

I could be wrong, but whatever you decide to do I think you need to be out of the oppressive atmosphere of your home if you can, and for some time if that is possible. a week, weekend or every other weekend or whatever. just get away on a regular basis to keep healthy or at least get space from the atmosphere, even another room with music on and the door closed is space.

 

whose house is it, if you have put money on your own or together into the house then you ought to get advice professionally about that and talk to your partner so you can plan what to do about your situation.

 

if you are renting then keep looking for somewhere that takes professionals if you work. could the friends put you up for the odd weekend or overnight stay?

 

I think the friends are a release for you , you can be yourself with them without expectations or duty you can say what you like and there is no pressures to impress or upset with speaking out, the relationships are different so you are valued as a person in your own individuality.

 

your mother may want things to work (even if they are not making you happy or won't do) simply because she wants to see things as they were; she doesn't know you in the same way your friends do and she may not see you as often either, where as your partner has seen you endlessly, but again in a different more intense way that friends and even more as you live together, when things are going wrong its more intense of course.

 

I think you are right to break up from your relationship and if I am honest, I wouldn't rush to get it re-started either!

 

give yourself time and as much space as you can find whilst being responsible to work, and of course make time for yourself to heal.

 

I think the more time you have away and on a regular basis, it might help to start to enjoy life and recover (or at least reduce the anxiety attacks) also being away on regular basis will force you and your unhappy partner to live as single people more as they will have to get used to not having you there and the fact that you are serious in being apart.

 

I'm sorry if that isn't the sort of reply you had hoped for, but it's my first thoughts on your post.

 

you ARE definitely on the right track, you just have to keep going, you'll get stronger each day and the fog will lift, and when it does you will start to feel more refreshed and bits of your old spark will return .

 

keep your good friends near without impinging on their good natures, but keep things honest with people who are suffocating you; and then go away, out of the house or spend time alone if you need the space or time to yourself (even in a shared house you need to find space), if you have to let your mother and partner know you need your space for a while let them know, it isn't necessary to be in each other's pockets all the time, especially if it is making you unhappy.

 

it isn't wise to try to be comfortable in each other's pockets if you don't feel that way for the moment. you will only build on inner tension and anxiety, and make your mother want to fix things even more.

 

regarding your partner asking to get back all the time, don't give in to it unless you are in love the way that you know you should be (and you don't sound in love to me) or unless you have had a considerable break and time as a single person and have regained your total old self and strength and feel you have found love again.

 

the key is YOU must find the love in the relationship after a long time to clear your head and emotions of the state they are in at the moment, its shouldn't be about someone begging you to be in stay with them or not to leave them out of habit or comfort due their lack of input into the relationship.

 

 

ok, that's my thoughts about it. good luck, I think time will be the real healer for you and your unhappy partner.

 

threes nothing to say you can't go back if you feel it, but just don't fool yourself that you need to if after time you are feeling healthier, stronger and happier in yourself. not all relationships make it, it's a sad thing, but it's just one of those things.

 

take care, and look towards the fun celebrations coming from now to the new year, I'm sure you will feel better every time you look back every week until then.

 

a new year can be a new you again so look forward to that.,ok, think about the good things to come as you work towards them, best of luck. maxi ps...there are lots of things you can do to get back your happiness. try to re-discover those, and they dont all cost money or involve you going out all the time, so try to stay as positive in small doses as you can. each day will make you stronger i promise.

[maxi105]

hello there tito, Thank you for your kind message, that's really nice of you to take the time to update your position and to share your insights; I'm really glad you were able to get something from the reply.

 

your mother is staying for another 10 days!!!!!! HAHA..OH NO! ; but just one pointer re: your mother; don't feel to harshly for how things are with her at the moment; I'm sure she is really trying to not show favouritism to either party so she maybe is over compensating towards your partner a bit too much so's not to look like alienating people; but of course that isn't or hasn't been helping with how everything has made you feel (closed in etc) - but she "is "at least showing that she loves and cares about you as she has made the effort to come and see you; and you are able to talk about things from time to time, so that's good. she'll be back in the mother role that you know and are more comfortable with before too long and - once you are happier I'm sure.

 

The rent thing sounds really positive too , and if you like the house, then I think you should certainly talk to the landlord and if you can stay there. I think that will give you more concrete stability at this time, and that will be a very important thing for you to have something to anchor yourself to whilst thoughts are going at high speed some times and dragging you down the next.

 

yes, id definitely take the rent reduction and have your space FOR GOOD!!!! he obviously values you as a tenant and that is something that should tell you in your moments of disbelief that you are a decent person, and that others value you too regardless of what is going on for you now.

 

I don't think it will be the nightmare you are anticipating when she is gone as you love the house (and you can put your love into making it the cosy safe haven you need) and its atmosphere will change once she is gone and you get used to your own company. I think you will begin to enjoy it and you will get your spark back pretty quickly once you get out of the habits of living with her and you get used to silence and calm; but trust me) you are going to be ok and you will want to come home and your home will be what a happy home should be again.

 

just think, no more clutter, you can even decorate if you feel like it and gradually you will fill the house with love and it will even feel safer for you and those who enter it.

 

I can imagine you not looking forward to coming home the way things are at the moment, but that will change and you'll be sailing home with a spring in your step. remember...Christmas is coming and even if you are someone who doesn't really celebrate it, there are other sparkling bits and pieces and decorative wonders that can cheer the place up or make it feel more calming and balanced or spiritual for you, so think forward and fill yourself with the last days of sunshine.

 

I think your mother will settle down once things start to move and she sees your confidence returning! but if it is the case that she genuinely likes your ex partner and they are that close; then just let them have their 10 days or so, your mother isn't going to be in that much regular contact with this person if your ex moves out? is she...if so, you will have got over the worst part of the pain or resentment hopefully a few months on by then and maybe looking to open your heart to creative things which will make you all the more attractive to others who are more of a compatible and loving match for you.

 

I think your still probably going to have to have the difficult conversation about your partner moving out if you haven't already!!!!, but I'm sure that will happen when it happens, even if it is an argumentative or bad atmosphere, but once she has gone (and I think she will want to as you start to keep your attitude of its over for her) i think you will be happier and feel so MUCH relief!!!

 

if all else fails in 7 days and you are still feeling everyone's company is just too much to bear, then maybe it might be the time to mention to your mother if she'd be prepared to stay with your landlord for the last 3 days no I'm just kidding, I think even if you barely speak much, its probably a good thing your mother is just there to break some of the atmosphere and tension.

 

well, that's it from me, thank you again for taking the time to get back on this one, you will bounce back I'm CERTAIN of it. so enjoy it when It comes.

 

see ya, maxi.