Kareeza Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 So this is the situation... it will be kind of long but bear with me. I've been dating this guy and I feel like things got rushed and something that had potential got botched. I'm in my early 30's, separated last year after a 9 year relationship with my ex husband. In the last 5 years of the relationship we didn't really have a sex life. I would say we had sex maybe 90 times over the time we were together. Which totally sucks because I do realize I didn't have sex for much of my 20's. In the last year I've been out on a few dates but I have not met someone I like so I have not moved forward on an intimacy level. I would say I am a weird mix of high libido, because of not having a satisfying sex life the past few years and I have a lot of physical energy. At the same time I'm conservative, probably because of catholic school, and also the fact that I want and I've waited to be with someone I feel connected to. I don't like the idea of different sexual partners... if I find that person then I am open sexually and do not have taboos or hang ups. By conservative I mean that I don't like casual sex, not that I'm a prude in the bedroom. I'm physically attractive, tons of guys want to go out with me and I don't think people would imagine my predicament when it comes to lack of sexual expression and connection. So, fast forward. I meet this new guy about 6 weeks ago. He asks for my number.. we met a few times for coffee, drinks and a drive. On the 3rd date he asked me to go this beautiful hotel about 2 hours away on a Saturday for a drive. I didn't feel comfortable going this far in his car and we met closer. I didn't want to feel trapped if I was not enjoying the date. Another day We went to the spa together, I got a massage And he went to a tub room with sauna. Again we enjoyed the spa separately as I didn't think we knew each other enough to be naked together in a bathroom... later that we went to his house and watched GOT, he touched my legs a bit and he kissed me once. I meet handsome men, but so far I'm finding this man really physically handsome. An amazing athletic body, smart where we talk about politics & philosophy , emotional intelligence, beautiful eyes and he seems really disciplined as evidenced by his fitness routine and diet. Total package. While I was at his house watching GOT, There was an ad about the movie Lovelace and he mentioned the movie Deep Throat, I was familiar with the term and existence of the movie but never watched it. Then I don't remember what the topic was but he also mentioned something about erotic auto-asphyxiation. The next week somehow i start thinking about his comments about deep throat and auto erotic asphyxiation. Knowing I can't unsee what it is, after debating with myself I google and watch a video of someone doing it ... I'm fascinated by what I see .. I go on this stream of consciousness fantasizing about it. Thinking things I will not name here. Dirty poetry. I spend 2 days thinking about it -- 2 things about it intrigued me, one is reaching a level of intimacy with someone that I would let them go this deep inside of you, and the other is the feat of learning how to do something that is not simple with my body, I will also add lingering between breathing and non breathing while performing it which must really take one to some sort of edge. And I do want edge experiences with my lover... after all the sex I have not had, damn it! So at that point, I do find this man attractive, I am feeling real sexual energy, like Marvin Gaye sang a sea is rising inside of me, I'm capsizing ... but at the same time I'm thinking that I've been Somewhat reserved in our last dates, so guess what I do? Out of the blue on Sunday night I send him a 7 second videos of my body in bed wearing animal print lingerie to the tune of Unforgettable by French Montana. He responds on Monday morning saying it's super hot and tells me he will send me something That night. At night he sends me a picture of his gorgeous body completely naked in front of the mirror. Then I tell him that something he said had me thinking... we have this back and forth about it, at first I don't want to say what because It's kind of an extreme sex act and we kissed once. I told him that I don't want to escalate -- he answers that he already escalated by sending him the naked pictures with his D I tell him that I googled Deep Throathing after he mentioned it. We talk about it a little and we set up a date for the weekend to talk about it over 2 different bottles of Zinfandel. We have dinner at an Italian restaurant, great conversation, he comes back from the restroom and comments on how elegant my legs look - I was standing at the bar conversing with this lovely older female sommelier. Late we go to my house. I just moved to a new house, we open the wines - drink the winning bottle, and I pour the ok one down the drain -- because who has time to drink mediocre wine, right? -- Anyway... to make a long story short. We end up in my bedroom. When we get there, we start kissing and soon he starts removing my underwear. He goes for protection downstairs, comes back and when we're about to do it he just loses his erection. I pull away a little bit but Still don't want to make him feel pressure to perform and he says, "I think you are so attractive and I'm into you - putting the condom made me lose momentum". So we kiss and cuddle and by that time it was 1AM and we fall asleep. I wake up at 3am and we have sex ....We sleep again, In the morning we do it once again. He leaves around 11. Now the reason I am freaking out ia because it has been 5 days and I have not heard from him, not a text message.. not a call. I know I'm not the first girl who has find herself in that situation. But I'm trying to understand if he simply didn't like the sex, or perhaps me talking about deep throat and sending him a video of myself was too extreme and a turn off. Before that he was planning dates to the Ritz, afternoons at the Museum, dinners at nice restaurants... suddenly we have sex and he disappears. He does look like a more reserved type, and that's actually what I liked about him-- didn't push me for intimacy or try to escalate things the times we met. Maybe he's thinking that sending men naked videos, and inviting them to my house for deep throat is my modus operandi and it turned him off, because it's differrent from the image he had of me from the first times we met. I'm thinking that the pent up sexual energy I have made me accelerate things instead of letting the connection evolve between up. Now that we did it, I do feel like we didn't know each other well enough, but I still want to explore what we have. And I'm not doing it because I want commitment or Have an art for the connection. I just want to enjoy the company of someone I find beautiful. Of course this very confusing and I will add embarrassing on multiple levels. I got out of my comfort zone, it's the first time there is someone I'm actually attracted to enough to want that, and this feels like a rejection. It's also deeply embarrassing that I came out looking vulgar. What do you guys think of this situation? Any insight will be appreciated.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Have you tried reaching out to him? I wouldn't be so quick to assume you did something wrong. He might have only really been after some no-strings sex, or perhaps he feels a bit embarrassed by his lost erection on the first attempt. I have a feeling it's more likely the former, given that he wanted to have a hotel-night on the 3rd date. Where did you meet him?
Author Kareeza Posted September 22, 2017 Author Posted September 22, 2017 Have you tried reaching out to him? I wouldn't be so quick to assume you did something wrong. He might have only really been after some no-strings sex, or perhaps he feels a bit embarrassed by his lost erection on the first attempt. I have a feeling it's more likely the former, given that he wanted to have a hotel-night on the 3rd date. Where did you meet him? We met at a bar, where business type people go. He was standing next to me and he kind of inserted himself in a conversation I had with my friend. I moved away to speak to someone else and he moved to where I was and asked for my number. No, I didn’t try to message or call him. I don’t want to be chasing a guy, in a way l already escalated things. So if he is thinking I’m too forward I would only give him ultimate proof. He has manners, and he has my number so if he wants to get in touch he knows how to. If he didn’t like the sex, or that didn’t want to see me again that’s ok. What’s mortifiying is creating the perception that I’m into all this kink when I’m fact I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m also thinking this will repress me even more sexually in the future
kendahke Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 A myriad of things could have come up since then that have nothing to do with how you were in the bed. He may still be mortified for losing his erection and embarrassed to reach out. This week at work might have been crazy Someone close to him is very sick/injured/emergency surgery His actual girlfriend has him on lock down Instead of throwing up your hands and saying "I'm not chasing men", call him and say "hi". That's not chasing him. Chasing him is having known him for a while and you're the one always doing the reaching out. That hasn't even happened yet. I'd also say in the future to leave the heavy sexy picture snapping/sending to when you two have had a talk about where both of your heads and hearts are. There's nothing wrong with getting an itch scratched, but be honest with yourself about why you're doing it and what you're trying to get out of it. Having sex too early with someone when you're not sure you even want something more and they haven't even had that talk with you could run your boat on the rocks.
stillafool Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 OP, he may be feeling exactly as you said above. You could call him and explain the "I normally never do what I did......" speech but men hear that so much from women it's starting to sound like a line. If you like the guy you can ask him for another date and this time take it slower.
introverted1 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I think you (intentionally or not) signaled that you were down for NSA sex and he availed himself of that opportunity. He may reach out again when he's in the mood for more sex.
clia Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 He was interested in sex, got it, and is now gone. Fairly common. 4
Sara1989 Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Next time do not send naked pictires of yourself to a guy you just started dating and talking about sex acts if you want an relationship. 1
Author Kareeza Posted September 22, 2017 Author Posted September 22, 2017 OP, he may be feeling exactly as you said above. You could call him and explain the "I normally never do what I did......" speech but men hear that so much from women it's starting to sound like a line. If you like the guy you can ask him for another date and this time take it slower. I feel like Little Miss Sunshine dancing to superfreak. It’s worse, at this point it’s just to embarrassing. I’m not going to make that speech.
Space Ritual Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Now the reason I am freaking out ia because it has been 5 days and I have not heard from him, not a text message.. not a call He got what he wanted. He'll be back when he wants another piece of ass. The Unforgettable Video you sent him pretty much sealed your fate. You put a lot of thought into doing such a thing after reading up on AEA and showing your hand. Now he realizes that you went out of your comfort zone. But that s a feather in his cap, and now that you have been conquered by him in his own mind, there is really not that much left to work on. You didn't do anything wrong outside of playing your poker hand a bit too soon. But that happens. Just chalk it up to experience and move forward. And remember this adage: Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Mike B. Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 In these situations, I think it is always important to consider the other side of the story. It is always said that one person got what they wanted and left but I always wonder why did the other person not want more. What made him not want more? 2
Miss Spider Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 (edited) . I agree with the assessment this was a hit-and-run, may come back for seconds but hard to say. Don't take it personally. Edited September 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough
coolheadal Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 I feel like Little Miss Sunshine dancing to superfreak. It’s worse, at this point it’s just to embarrassing. I’m not going to make that speech. You did what you thought was best, but was it worth it now after all what do you end up with today? Think about this? Are you happier or no happy? Sounds like the worst mistake you made, but it happens to all of us.. Don't take this to heart there will be other men. Now you don what not to do.. A lesson learn is a lesson gained.
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