should i travel to see my ex? *** Updated *** ask ex to meet up

[RobMele]

quick background, dated 4 month, i broke up very rudely (had personal problems/ no excuse i know) have been 1 year of NC, i texted to her 1 week ago something short she didnt reply so I followed up with:

 

 

MY TEXT

I can’t even argue with that. I wouldn’t reply myself after the stupid things I’ve done. It’s been so long now anyway I don’t even know why I still think of you. Maybe it’s because things ended so stupidly and we had so much potential. I don’t know being together was different we connected. Let’s be honest none of us wanted to break up. And I doubt anyone else made you feel like I did. I know I fked up but I also know I tried to make up for it. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way. Anyway am gone be in Munich in October and if you’re around we could get a friendly coffee. And once again great articles I really mean it.

 

HER REPLY

Hey there, it is nice you texted but it is just strange to hear from you after such a long time. And I really don't have the best memories especially of the ending. But there is no point in bringing that stuff up again.

How can you understand that article anyway, it is in German?

Also I am living in Berlin now, I might be in Munich in early October, I am not sure yet, I can tell you if I am.

 

 

how would you decode her reply? is there any point of me travelling

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

quick background, dated 4 month, i broke up very rudely (had personal problems/ no excuse i know) have been 1 year of NC, i texted to her 1 week ago something short she didnt reply so I followed up with:

 

 

MY TEXT

I can’t even argue with that. I wouldn’t reply myself after the stupid things I’ve done. It’s been so long now anyway I don’t even know why I still think of you. Maybe it’s because things ended so stupidly and we had so much potential. I don’t know being together was different we connected. Let’s be honest none of us wanted to break up. And I doubt anyone else made you feel like I did. I know I fked up but I also know I tried to make up for it. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way. Anyway am gone be in Munich in October and if you’re around we could get a friendly coffee. And once again great articles I really mean it.

 

HER REPLY

Hey there, it is nice you texted but it is just strange to hear from you after such a long time. And I really don't have the best memories especially of the ending. But there is no point in bringing that stuff up again.

How can you understand that article anyway, it is in German?

Also I am living in Berlin now, I might be in Munich in early October, I am not sure yet, I can tell you if I am.

 

 

how would you decode her reply? is there any point of me travelling

 

So you really are not going to be in Munich? Just saying you were as an excuse to see her?

[RobMele]

So you really are not going to be in Munich? Just saying you were as an excuse to see her?

 

yeah exactly..but i could spin it and say am here for the weekend with friends.. initially.. obvioulsy i would tell her the truth after

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

yeah exactly..but i could spin it and say am here for the weekend with friends.. initially.. obvioulsy i would tell her the truth after

 

Well, I don't see any indication in her reply that she would actually want to see you. She didn't even say it was nice to hear from you. Just that it was nice you texted. She also questioned your truthfulness (it seems) in actually reading her article. Do you speak German?

[d0nnivain]

If you & she were otherwise going to be in the same city & it would be as simple as walking down the block to meet, that would be one thing but to undertake the costs of travel, getting a place to stay, eating out etc all to see some girl you dated for 120 days a year ago . . . to what end? Do you think you will get back together? I don't see the point.

[springy]

yeah exactly..but i could spin it and say am here for the weekend with friends.. initially.. obvioulsy i would tell her the truth after

 

So your plan is to lie to her about your real reason for being there and then fess up if you get the opportunity to see her? It sounds to me like a really bad start to a reconciliation attempt - especially since your relationship ended horribly.

 

You say "I doubt anyone made you feel like I did" ,"let's be honest, none of us wanted to breakup", "we had so much potential"...her response sounds like those feelings weren't mutual - " I really don't have the best memories especially of the ending". It sounds like it was one relationship in your eyes, and another in hers.

 

If you were already going there for other reasons I would say reach out, but as the previous poster stated going through all of that in hopes that she might agree to meet with you for coffee is not worth it..at least not at this point. I think you are jumping the gun here - see if you can get some consistent communication going first; gauge her interest off of that and make the decision later because based off her reply I really don't see anything worth traveling for...

[HiCrunchy]

What are your intentions in wanting to meet with her OP?

[RobMele]

thanks for reply guys,

 

I agree she doesnt seem that excited but the fact she replied and said she might meet me shows some intrest

 

reasons for going are simple I wanna see her see how it goes and feel like she might be the girl to settle with...

 

and once again great point about getting some communication, but she doesnt respond always especially when i ask her about how her things are going.. doesnt give much away about herself...

 

any ideas how to get comunication going? I am trying to keep it nice and light.. suggest some movies to watch and stuff like that... any other good ideas to get communication going with something deeper than small talk..

[springy]

What happened during this relationship? She does not seem to cherish the same fond memories as you.

 

What has changed that she would want to give the relationship another chance? If she's so special why did you dump her?

 

You can't force communication. There's got to be interest on her side and right now she's sitting there with bitter memories.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

thanks for reply guys,

 

I agree she doesnt seem that excited but the fact she replied and said she might meet me shows some intrest

 

reasons for going are simple I wanna see her see how it goes and feel like she might be the girl to settle with...

 

and once again great point about getting some communication, but she doesnt respond always especially when i ask her about how her things are going.. doesnt give much away about herself...

 

any ideas how to get comunication going? I am trying to keep it nice and light.. suggest some movies to watch and stuff like that... any other good ideas to get communication going with something deeper than small talk..

 

It doesn't really sound like she wants to communicate with you....if she does, she will probably initiate at this point since you already broke the ice.

[d0nnivain]

Even if you show up, I see no indication she wants to reconcile. You talked. She's willing to be civil for old time's sake. Politeness does not equal a desire to get back together.

[Blanco]

Do not do this.

 

Source: Did something similar when I was young(er) and dumb(er).

[Jay Anthony]

quick background, dated 4 month, i broke up very rudely (had personal problems/ no excuse i know) have been 1 year of NC, i texted to her 1 week ago something short she didnt reply so I followed up with:

 

 

MY TEXT

I can’t even argue with that. I wouldn’t reply myself after the stupid things I’ve done. It’s been so long now anyway I don’t even know why I still think of you. Maybe it’s because things ended so stupidly and we had so much potential. I don’t know being together was different we connected. Let’s be honest none of us wanted to break up. And I doubt anyone else made you feel like I did. I know I fked up but I also know I tried to make up for it. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way. Anyway am gone be in Munich in October and if you’re around we could get a friendly coffee. And once again great articles I really mean it.

 

HER REPLY

Hey there, it is nice you texted but it is just strange to hear from you after such a long time. And I really don't have the best memories especially of the ending. But there is no point in bringing that stuff up again.

How can you understand that article anyway, it is in German?

Also I am living in Berlin now, I might be in Munich in early October, I am not sure yet, I can tell you if I am.

 

 

how would you decode her reply? is there any point of me travelling

 

Personally, I wouldn't have brought up the relationship at all. What did you text her the first time, and how long did you wait before you sent the other one?

 

She did acknowledge you, but I'd slow down and not come on too strong with the emotions.

 

It's REALLY good that she said "there is no point in bringing that stuff up again". She seems interested in chatting but obviously she's got some anger towards you and that's a hot topic not to touch.

 

If anything, don't come off desperate to her. If you communicate, keep it simple and spread out. IF you do decide to meet up with her, build rapport and maybe flirt a bit...BUT do not bring up something that will trigger anger (the relationship). Act like she's a new girl and you're just getting to know her for the first time. Make her laugh and build attraction avoiding the history all together (unless you're bringing up something positive: ie. Remember that time you fell trying to beat me to the living room? You're such a clutz ;p!)

[Murmillo]

We need more details of the breakup, the relationship and what happened in the meanwhile.

[RobMele]

Personally, I wouldn't have brought up the relationship at all. What did you text her the first time, and how long did you wait before you sent the other one?

 

She did acknowledge you, but I'd slow down and not come on too strong with the emotions.

 

It's REALLY good that she said "there is no point in bringing that stuff up again". She seems interested in chatting but obviously she's got some anger towards you and that's a hot topic not to touch.

 

If anything, don't come off desperate to her. If you communicate, keep it simple and spread out. IF you do decide to meet up with her, build rapport and maybe flirt a bit...BUT do not bring up something that will trigger anger (the relationship). Act like she's a new girl and you're just getting to know her for the first time. Make her laugh and build attraction avoiding the history all together (unless you're bringing up something positive: ie. Remember that time you fell trying to beat me to the living room? You're such a clutz ;p!)

 

Hey thanks a lot this is all amazing advice. I am trying to do just that and you highlight some other good points. Am trying to build a good rapport with her like we never dated before and just taking things super slow. She has replied to me again and asked me about Munich which shows she's willing to meet me I think. Gone try to give her a call and build connection

[HiCrunchy]

This is a dumpee’s dream.

Don’t hurt her OP. Be sure about this

[RobMele]

OP UPDATE HERE:

 

even after all the negativity and explanations why I should not contact her and how she doesn't wanna speak or see me again.. and so on.. I still stuck to my guns, drafted few well thought of texts, surely got rejected a few times and she didn't respond few times but I stuck to it and built some sort of understanding, Ive now booked my tickets to see her at the end of this week..

 

Still not 100% sure she will agree to see me and I have not got a solid YES from her but I still didn't get a NO from her either and that is good enough for me. If she didn't want to see me she could of said am busy am in Berlin bye, but you have to read between the lines sometimes..

 

In all honesty I am not expecting much from the trip, its gone take a lot of time, but knowing how I screwed it up and said rude things that I did during break up I feel its my responsibility to make the effort now and quite honesty to be a an alpha male who goes after what he really wants

[HiCrunchy]

OP UPDATE HERE:

 

even after all the negativity and explanations why I should not contact her and how she doesn't wanna speak or see me again.. and so on.. I still stuck to my guns, drafted few well thought of texts, surely got rejected a few times and she didn't respond few times but I stuck to it and built some sort of understanding, Ive now booked my tickets to see her at the end of this week..

 

Still not 100% sure she will agree to see me and I have not got a solid YES from her but I still didn't get a NO from her either and that is good enough for me. If she didn't want to see me she could of said am busy am in Berlin bye, but you have to read between the lines sometimes..

 

In all honesty I am not expecting much from the trip, its gone take a lot of time, but knowing how I screwed it up and said rude things that I did during break up I feel its my responsibility to make the effort now and quite honesty to be a an alpha male who goes after what he really wants

 

As the dumpee in a similar boat to ur ex, a part me wishes this was happening to me. Haha.

 

Good luck OP. But heed my words. Be sure about this and don’t hurt her.

Keep us updated.

Edited October 3, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[RobMele]

Hey guys I wanna ask my ex to meet up, please have a look at what i wrote. is it all ok? any changes needed? also I am not sure if I should send the whole thing or only the last 2 paragraphs? because the first 2 paragraphs are a bit useless? let me know please as I need to send it today:

 

 

 

I know it’s not nice of me to contact you unexpectedly. I never wanted just to text in the past, I hoped we could get a few messages together and I would fly there, take you somewhere nice and just see how we do, slowly as friends with no pressure or expectations. But most conversation ended before we built any communication.

 

 

I didn’t really want to go into this but I’ve never dated someone little introverted who enjoys chilled out activities and doesn’t constantly have the need for attention. I really enjoy all those activities too and am ambivert myself, but lack of experience and understanding just led me to think you didn’t like me so I tried to offer you a way out by being mean. I said the complete opposite of things I actually meant. As a person you have amazing qualities and personality that anyone could ever want in a good friend or a long term partner. You’re a talented writer and a thoughtful individual. I should have been more mature and communicated my fears about the relationship like an adult. I’ve learned and grown a lot since then anyway and that’s all in the past.

 

 

I will just be upfront about it, I clearly still like you and think you’re a great person to be with. I am man enough to admit that even if I get ignored or rejected doesn’t matter. I am asking for one opportunity for us to meet in person. I have some time this month and next month and I’d like to fly to Germany and take you to the nicest live theatre in Berlin or Munich and treat you with nothing but respect. There would be absolutely no pressure or expectation on anything, just a friendly fun evening. I know it’s not the easiest thing to do and am sure you have your reservations about meeting me, but I promise it will be good and it would mean a lot to me. I am honestly not trying to have any deep conversations, I just want to hang out with you for an hour or so and catch up in person. I will understand if you don’t want to but I really think we should and I am definitely not putting any pressure on you.

 

 

I actually do remember your birthday is on the 17th and I’ve looked online and tried to pick something I thought you would like. Please accept this as my way of apologizing and wishing you a happy birthday.

 

Rob

Edited February 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You want to FLY somewhere to talk to an EX? Forget it.

 

Do not send the message. The whole thing makes you sound weak, clingy & like you don't know your own mind. You say in the message that you concluded she didn't like you & that caused you to be mean. For heaven's sake how bad are your communications skills? If you think there is a problem in your relationship, you talk to the person; you don't play head games by being mean to them as a test to see if they stick around. That is passive aggressive BS & you don't deserve a 2nd chance if you are like that. This letter proves there is no evidence that your communications skills have matured.

 

When you contacted her last fall out of the blue, she told you to buzz off: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/635622-should-i-travel-see-my-ex

 

With the additional passage of time she is less likely to want to see you. You are crossing into stalker territory.

 

Leave her be. Date somebody that doesn't require you to board a plane to see.

 

Do not send her a birthday message either.

Edited February 17, 2018 by d0nnivain

[clist8511]

Did you break up with her? Or did she break up with you?

[RobMele]

I broke up. it was messy. told her she was a rebound and insulted her personality. lol dont ask why maybe cause i lost 10k on gambling the day she came over.

 

anyway am really not trying to ask if i should or shouldnt send the message.... i am defo sending it and just want some tips on the actual message. if i should include the first two paragraphs? cause i dont know how they sound to an outsider..

[d0nnivain]

anyway am really not trying to ask if i should or shouldnt send the message.... i am defo sending it and just want some tips on the actual message. if i should include the first two paragraphs? cause i dont know how they sound to an outsider..

 

They sound like you can't communicate. You state that you said the opposite of what you meant. So that means she should assume that this missive is also the opposite of what you mean & that now you are still lying to her.

 

Then you talk about wanting her back & complimenting her. This is after she told you she doesn't want to speak to you again. That message came to you in response to the message you sent her out of the blue ONE YEAR after you dumped her the 1st time. Now instead of being respectful & kind by honoring her wishes you are sending this message begging to see her again. It comes across as a man who doesn't care one whit about anybody else's feelings or needs.

 

Part of communication is listening. I get that after 1.5 years you have figured out you can't do better & you want her back but since you are the one who threw her away in the 1st place, what you want no longer matters.

 

Do her the courtesy of leaving her alone.

 

I have a bad feeling that when you send her this & she doesn't respond, you are going to ignore that powerful message & jump on a plane anyway to go knock on her door. That plan is utterly selfish & mean.

 

She's done with you. LEAVE HER ALONE as she has asked you to.

[RobMele]

loool youre kindo right I would jump on the plane but they have uni holidays now. But last time (4 month ago) she agreed to meet up but because of bad timing I ended up booking my ticket on the day she was moving to Berlin so it didnt materilize. I think shes just very pissed off with me to be honest and youre right I didnt do any better I didnt even try to get serious with anyone.

 

They sound like you can't communicate. You state that you said the opposite of what you meant. So that means she should assume that this missive is also the opposite of what you mean & that now you are still lying to her.

 

Then you talk about wanting her back & complimenting her. This is after she told you she doesn't want to speak to you again. That message came to you in response to the message you sent her out of the blue ONE YEAR after you dumped her the 1st time. Now instead of being respectful & kind by honoring her wishes you are sending this message begging to see her again. It comes across as a man who doesn't care one whit about anybody else's feelings or needs.

 

Part of communication is listening. I get that after 1.5 years you have figured out you can't do better & you want her back but since you are the one who threw her away in the 1st place, what you want no longer matters.

 

Do her the courtesy of leaving her alone.

 

I have a bad feeling that when you send her this & she doesn't respond, you are going to ignore that powerful message & jump on a plane anyway to go knock on her door. That plan is utterly selfish & mean.

 

She's done with you. LEAVE HER ALONE as she has asked you to.

[springy]

I'm hopping on a plane to another country/continent(?) to see you, but no pressure...?

 

Why not start with suggesting skype or facetime type chats? Why straight to the airport? Have you been in touch at all since your last attempt?