lukaz41 Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Bear with me. This is a long one. I am 21. Ex is 18. This was my first relationship and her second. She broke it off on our one year anniversary. (Yeah, I know right?) We were in a long distance relationship for a year. We knew each other well before we got in a relationship. Everything was going extremely well between us because the distance was never a problem. She'd come to my place every now and then to spend the night. We made sure we texted each other and called each other daily to update our daily lives. Mind that we made sure our relationship was extremely lowkey as less than 5 people knew about this. It all started when her new semester in university started. We had to spend less time with each other online because both of our schedules were busy but we made sure we texted every now and then and we'd call each other once or twice every week. Notice that from talking to each other daily we reduced all the way to texting less often and only hearing each other's voices once or twice. And suddenly a few weeks into her new semester, she was very cold towards me and was reluctant to spend time with me as she hung out more with her friends after class. They would go out for dinner every day and come back a few hours later but she would not text me in between. Even when she texted me after she comes back to campus, it would be short replies and somewhat rude. It continued to a point where we fight out of little things and when I confronted about making things better she said she was under extreme stress for studies and she got oversensitive over everything. She told me that she needed some space. I agreed, but as time went by I noticed her being normal to her friends, but only cold and rude towards me. A few weeks after bearing with her treating me like that, I asked her if there was someone else in her life and if there was, just tell me so that I could move on, as I could not imagine her being with someone else. She said there wasn't anyone else but only that she was stressed. When I kept asking her on why she particularly treats me badly, she had no solid answer. Finally, I told her that if she doesn't want to be with me, don't lead me on anymore. Without any remorse, she broke up with me. Just like that. Under a minute. Note that all these while she was the overly attached one in this relationship and never once that she said something like this. So after a few weeks, I heard a rumour from my friend that there was indeed someone else in her life when I was unable to spend time with her everyday. I got upset as she hid this fact from me and I confronted her immediately. Then she explained herself. When the new semester started, she became close with her classmate, let's call him Alex. Alex and her became close as they both go to the library after classes everyday. But as time went by she felt attracted towards him, although she knew that it was wrong. These feelings developed because I was not able to spend time with her often for a period of time and she became close with Alex. At first, she did not take it by heart but Alex got unusually close with her as well. When Alex finally told her that he likes her. But instead of telling the truth about her being in a relationship with me, she actually said that she likes him back. She knew what she did was wrong but somehow she wanted that attention. That's when she felt bad that she might me cheating on me. But they both told each other that should just let things be how they were, like friends. As time went by she realised that Alex isn't really the kind of person she thought he was initially. He treated her according to his moodswings and there was this awkward silence between each other ever since they expressed feelings towards each other. Then they decided to just be friends and not talk about it. This is when she realised that she completely ****ed it all up with me and felt bad for what she did. She got scared at this point on not knowing what to do, as she was still in a relationship with me but she liked Alex for a while. Instead of talking things out with me, she started coming up with excuses that she was stressed with studies and she had to let me go because she loves me way too much. That I didn't deserve her and she decided to break up with me without me knowing the actual story. When she explained this to me, she told me that Alex is nothing compared to me because everything was perfect with me but she made a mistake expressing her feelings towards Alex and she now feels that she cheated on me. At this point, I felt confused as I did not feel that she cheated on me at all. From my view, she just got carried away by how Alex gave her more time and attention in person than I did that time. I admit this is no excuse for her to express her feelings towards him but I take blame partly for not spending enough time with her at the same time that lead her to this. I told her that I forgive her and I still want her after all that has happened and that we could just let this be a thing of the past and move on. But she couldn't feel the same as she feels so messed up inside that she cheated on me and even though I forgive her, she could not forgive herself for what she had done. She said she loves me and still wants me, but needs a lot of time to get over these bad feelings that she has. This is when she said we should start as friends for now, and eventually after she's over her negative thoughts we could start all over again. I agreed, as I could not imagine a future without her and this was the only way to get her back again. When we started talking to each other as friends again we would still talk often everyday but I felt like there was a wall between us. Things didn't feel the same again. A couple of weeks have passed by since we started talking again, and I feel that there is a distance between us now. Although she says that there isn't. She doesn't initiate the conversation anymore. I have to do it every time. And when we are chatting, she doesn't bother to keep the conversation going. Nowadays, she doesn't even texts me at all. For me, I feel that things got even worse when Alex tried to show feelings towards her again. This time, she would tell me everything Alex is doing and vents her frustration towards me and I would listen to her and tell her what she could do. At first, she says that she's over him completely and she has to talk to him everyday because they're classmates and have groupwork together and they're just friends, but she gets so annoyed everytime Alex tries something with her. She is so full of emotions and feelings when she vents out about her frustration about Alex to me, but whenever I talk about her feelings towards me she keeps saying that she doesn't know what to feel but she wants me. I maybe overthinking but I hate the fact that she and Alex still talk and hangout everyday and I feel so insecure. The time that it really bothered me the most is when last weekend I asked her if she could call me, she said she's revising for her exams so I let her be. But When she called me on Sunday she told me that Alex called her and they talked for a while about exams and then they chit chatted. If she could spend time with him, then why not spend only 5 minutes with me? That's all i ask for. 5 minutes. And yet im not a priority. Lately, I've been the one to constantly start the conversation and ask about her day but she never does that to me. She never bothers to check up about my life. Only once in a while or so. During call last Sunday, I could feel that she was starting to get annoyed when I keep asking about her details on what she did for the day. She used to love it last time when we were together, but now she keeps telling me not to ask so many things. I got upset and she apologised a while later. I then asked her if she still loves me or not and I told her that I still have the same feelings towards her although she just sees me as a friend for the time being. I told her to not take my time for granted as she seems not to appreciate at all these days. She said that it's better that we just not talk as its not doing me any good. She just seems to throw her words nowadays and apologise about her behaviour later. Honestly, when we started talking again we were normal but she's starting to spend less time with me. She showed more attention and feelings towards me when we started talking again but there's nothing now. She chooses not to text me during her free time and instead I have to initiate the conversation. She does not prioritise me anymore. She says she loves me but she still feels guilty for what she did and that's why she's being like this. She said she might feel that she might not want me now but when she's finally over with whatever she's going through, I'm all that she would want later on when she's ready. How do I know that she's not friendzoning me for the time being and enjoying single life before committing to me again? Is she taking advantage of me? But Im sure of one thing. This behaviour of her is not the real her. She's feeling numb like this ever since she broke up with me because of her guilt. Somewhere deep down the old her still exists. But how do I get her back? How to I make her realise that I'm still waiting for her to come back to me? What do I do? Initiate No Contact so that she realises the value of me? Because she definitely treated me better when we started talking again as friends but lately she seems not to care about me anymore. I've tried talking things out with her but she keeps saying that she loves me but not want anything about relationships for now and that she needs time. I'm lost here. All I want is her to come back to me.
clia Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Let it go. She's 18 years old, away at university, and wants/needs to date someone who she can see, touch, feel, and spend time with in person, who isn't just a voice on the phone or a text on her screen. How often were you visiting her, by the way? When did you last see her? I honestly just think you need to move on with your life. She's gone.
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 A whole new world is opening up to her at college. You are part of her past. NC will help you heal. It's not designed to manipulate her into coming back. Accept that it's over. Heal. Date a local girl.
Author lukaz41 Posted September 21, 2017 Author Posted September 21, 2017 Let it go. She's 18 years old, away at university, and wants/needs to date someone who she can see, touch, feel, and spend time with in person, who isn't just a voice on the phone or a text on her screen. How often were you visiting her, by the way? When did you last see her? I honestly just think you need to move on with your life. She's gone. Once or twice every month. I felt the same too, but she kept saying that distance isn't an issue for her because with me, she sees a future and she loves me.
No_Go Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Once or twice every month. I felt the same too, but she kept saying that distance isn't an issue for her because with me, she sees a future and she loves me. She's waaaaay to young (you both are!) to go through the trouble of LDR... I think university is far more important than dating at that age. 1
coolheadal Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Once or twice every month. I felt the same too, but she kept saying that distance isn't an issue for her because with me, she sees a future and she loves me. If you want this to work, then give her time! Time to figure out her life she's a new adult early still not even 21 yet. By the age 25 she'll be a bit more stable to decide her faith. Your older you just have to hang in there if she's worth it? But to me it sounds like she is.. Good Luck Friend! P.S Don't make any foolish mistakes that men like us make in these situations. I know I did that myself, never could go back to her. You have a chance to make this work. I wish you the best, just don't blow it okay!
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