Middle Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Especially wondering what women have to say here... What makes a (mid 30s) guy an especially good texter in the online dating world? Once I get a date, I feel like I'm pretty good at holding a conversation, building attraction (if I'm attracted to her), etc... But when these women are barraged by messages, it can definitely be tough to stand out enough to get a date in the first place. I'm probably better than average looking, I have a good job, I'm independent/stable, etc. So I definitely can and do get dates, but on the attraction scale most of them go from being maybes to a no once I meet them (as their pictures tend to present themselves well) - but I do still make sure we both have a good time chatting for the evening. I get tired of trying to be super witty/clever/funny over text messages. So it's easy for a conversation to become "what are you interested in, what do you for fun" type of stuff, which obviously gets boring for a lot of women as they'll often just stop responding. And if I jump to asking for a date too quickly, that seems to sometimes derail things too. Anyway, I'm just wondering what in particular makes women here want to meet a guy you've talked to online?
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 I'm anti texting so my opinion is that out of an outlier. Texting should be reserved for quick info exchanges: running late; I'm by the door; bring home milk; love you! etc. I'd much rather judge somebody by how they behave in person. If a text exchange goes beyond 5, pick up the phone & use voice. You will be so unique as to stand out. 1
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 A coworker of mine had the same issue....and his also complained his dates focused on texting other people during their dates. Poor guy. He struggled a lot with girls. I get that this is how it is, but you don't have to follow those rules. If it scares them off wanting a date, then they are a waste of time anyways. No loss to you so remember that. This is what dating is all about...weeding out the crap through multiple dates. It only takes one to be your GF right? This may take time but it will be worth it when you hit the jackpot. My coworker did....he's now married and is going to be a daddy. I have known him since he was 19 and all wet behind the ears, a virgin, all dorky and shy. He's in his early 30's now, and turned out to be quite a man. He is very happy. At work we all say "who would have thunk?"....lol OP you will eventually get what you want. Confidence wins the girl, not scare them away. 1
Author Middle Posted September 21, 2017 Author Posted September 21, 2017 A coworker of mine had the same issue....and his also complained his dates focused on texting other people during their dates. Poor guy. He struggled a lot with girls. I get that this is how it is, but you don't have to follow those rules. If it scares them off wanting a date, then they are a waste of time anyways. No loss to you so remember that. This is what dating is all about...weeding out the crap through multiple dates. It only takes one to be your GF right? This may take time but it will be worth it when you hit the jackpot. My coworker did....he's now married and is going to be a daddy. I have known him since he was 19 and all wet behind the ears, a virgin, all dorky and shy. He's in his early 30's now, and turned out to be quite a man. He is very happy. At work we all say "who would have thunk?"....lol OP you will eventually get what you want. Confidence wins the girl, not scare them away. I'm trying to figure out what you're referring to when you mention "scaring them away" and rules?
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 I'm trying to figure out what you're referring to when you mention "scaring them away" and rules? Too many people hide behind their devices. You may scare them if you try to actually talk to them using the voice feature of the phone. The rules nowadays say you have to have a good "text game" which is insipid IMO. Texting is the worst way to try to foster an intimate relationship. Messages boards & email are tied for the 2nd worst way. Genuine communication requires non-verbal clues, tone, facial expressions etc. which can't be duplicated with emojis. 2
Mike B. Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Communication with dating is really "different" these days. I was just talking about this with a date about 1 week ago. I told someone I was on my 5thdaye with that actually calling someone up out of the blue almost seems like a home invasion sometimes. She shook her head in fear at the thought of a random call. I am not sure if she was joking or not. You almost have to announce through a text first that you are going to call that person. I can almost feel women being thrown off when I randomly call them. So now it's about how to navigate this new environment of communication. People prefer texting now. I had a woman I was recently dating pretty much demand daily good morning and good night text from me. Not a daily phone call but daily texts.
Author Middle Posted September 21, 2017 Author Posted September 21, 2017 (edited) Too many people hide behind their devices. You may scare them if you try to actually talk to them using the voice feature of the phone. The rules nowadays say you have to have a good "text game" which is insipid IMO. Texting is the worst way to try to foster an intimate relationship. Messages boards & email are tied for the 2nd worst way. Genuine communication requires non-verbal clues, tone, facial expressions etc. which can't be duplicated with emojis. Oh I definitely agree... That's why I always try to set up a date asap. The worst is when I've sent dozens of lengthy messages before we've met - it seems like we both build up expectations of the other, and it can make a first date really awkward. And even more awkward when it's obvious that neither of us will be contacting the other one again, after we've spent all this time messaging the other one every day sometimes for weeks. But I find pre-first date phone calls to be a little awkward, and I think a lot of women probably think the same and would rather just message (definitely no problem after the first date). The issue is when a woman is obviously on the fence about meeting me for a first date, giving me her number, etc. I'm guessing that they're just getting messages from a lot of guys and trying to figure out which one(s) stand out. So it becomes a thing where I feel like I have to do some monkey dance to get their attention :/. Edited September 21, 2017 by Middle
Mike B. Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 (edited) Oh I definitely agree... That's why I always try to set up a date asap. The worst is when I've sent dozens of lengthy messages before we've met - it seems like we both build up expectations of the other, and it can make a first date really awkward. And even more awkward when it's obvious that neither of us will be contacting the other one again, after we've spent all this time messaging the other one every day sometimes for weeks. But I find pre-first date phone calls to be a little awkward, and I think a lot of women probably think the same and would rather just message (definitely no problem after the first date). The issue is when a woman is obviously on the fence about meeting me for a first date, giving me her number, etc. I'm guessing that they're just getting messages from a lot of guys and trying to figure out which one(s) stand out. So it becomes a thing where I feel like I have to do some monkey dance to get their attention :/. I definitely feel you. I think you make some excellent points. I used to go online with the primary intention of finding a relationship and used to be fairly easy to do so. After being away from it for about two years, I see the whole monkey dance thing now. There are just so many options for women rolling at them at once. I'm not sure if I will be able to actually find a relationship online at this point. I have one person I am focused on now and canceled my eHarmony membership and got off Bumble cause I am just getting too old to play the game any longer. If this one doesn't work out, I am planning to avoid online altogether. I am not saying I won't ever use it again but I am hoping I won't have to do so. Edited September 21, 2017 by Mike B.
Gaeta Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 I get tired of trying to be super witty/clever/funny over text messages. So it's easy for a conversation to become "what are you interested in, what do you for fun" type of stuff, which obviously gets boring for a lot of women as they'll often just stop responding. And if I jump to asking for a date too quickly, that seems to sometimes derail things too. Anyway, I'm just wondering what in particular makes women here want to meet a guy you've talked to online? Don't ask 'what are you interested in' over text. Those are conversations you should have face to face. If you purge everything you've got to tell each other on text you'll have nothing left to say on a date. Ask them on a date, keep texting for the occasional 'touching base' in between dates. If a woman runs away because your text is boring than she is not worth your time. I was online 3,5 years before meeting my boyfriend and went on 100s of dates. What made me want to meet a man was the way we exchanged on our first conversation, nothing else. I didn't need days of texting. Actually I would only exchange number once we had a date planned. I met these man within 5 days from our first contact. Sometimes I met them on same day. Drop any woman wanting to 'get to know you' online or on text. It's a waste of your time. Most likely they are hiding something. Aim at meeting fast. Anyone with a different style you can pass, don't worry you won't run out of women to date. I came across my bf online on a Sunday, we met over a coffee on Tuesday after work. BOOM DONE! All the other women he had been speaking with had chatted him for 3 + weeks than bailed on him.
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 The issue is when a woman is obviously on the fence about meeting me for a first date, giving me her number, etc. I'm guessing that they're just getting messages from a lot of guys and trying to figure out which one(s) stand out. So it becomes a thing where I feel like I have to do some monkey dance to get their attention :/. When you feel like you have to do this monkey dance try to remember she's a woman, not an organ grinder & you have options. Have enough confidence in yourself to walk away from the game players & time wasters. I say that even though for the brief period I was on OLD I came across like a time waster. It was scary to me to meet a stranger from the internet; even drunk I trusted myself to get a read on somebody in a bar but I had no experience with profiles. I required a few phone calls before I dared meet.
Author Middle Posted September 21, 2017 Author Posted September 21, 2017 (edited) When you feel like you have to do this monkey dance try to remember she's a woman, not an organ grinder & you have options. Have enough confidence in yourself to walk away from the game players & time wasters. I say that even though for the brief period I was on OLD I came across like a time waster. It was scary to me to meet a stranger from the internet; even drunk I trusted myself to get a read on somebody in a bar but I had no experience with profiles. I required a few phone calls before I dared meet. What exactly is scary, and how is it scary? Like are you scared for your physical safety, or is it more being nervous, or is it just a fear of wasting time? This is something else that's frutrating about online dating. In person, I have no issue building and maintaining a conversation and just "being myself." But online it's like I'm hyper aware of how easy it is for women to either become bored or weirded out... So it's like there's a spectrum and I've gotta walk the line between the two ends. The last girlfriend I had I met online. My first message to her asked her to marry me (something like, "After reviewing your pictures, i've decided I really like you. Actually, I am sure you are The One. Will you marry me?")... I guess it's a way to start off things in a non-serious way while poking fun at the social stigma of guys being too into/obsessed with a girl they've just met... But being that I don't want to attract another woman like my ex, I've been trying different tacts. In terms of success rate, I think that just being 100% upfront and responding directly and honestly is the *worst* way to go. Edited September 21, 2017 by Middle
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 You said " And if I jump to asking for a date too quickly, that seems to sometimes derail things too". Is that not scaring them away? There is no such rule as to asking them too soon. If they are interested, they will have np saying YES. Asking too soon, too late, not charming enough or witty, too forward, not asking the right questions, asking too many questions, etc. I doubt that has anything to do with your lack of success. What woman want and look for is so varied, and what touches them emotionally is unpredictable. Most people struggle to meet the right person. This is what dating is all about...kicking a lot of tires to find the right one. Basically what I am saying is just keep at it.
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 What exactly is scary, and how is it scary? Like are you scared for your physical safety, or is it more being nervous, or is it just a fear of wasting time? Bear in mind that this was almost 15 years ago. I was scared for my physical safety & to some extent some lingering high school self doubts. In my early teens I was very nerdy, before I realized that smart is sexy. If a boy looked at me, I immediately thought I was being set up to the brunt of a mean joke, ala every 80s teen movie. On line is more mainstream now. It was also my first time dating as an adult outside of an academic environment. It was fear of the unknown. I'd say my fears are rare. More people are nervous. As a society we lost the art of human interaction. There is the fear of wasting time. Many people on OLD have been burned one way or another.
Mike B. Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Since the dynamics have changed so rapidly with online dating, we are pretty much in uncharted waters in some areas so it can be more difficult to come up with solutions for certain dynamics. It will take a lot of experience to figure out how things currently work in some areas such as communication. I not only see it in online dating but my very own career. Technology has changed things so much that I see huge differences just from 5 years ago when dealing with the public. I agree that you have to just keep at it to learn how to navigate it. 1
CryForNoOne Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 I use OLD as a last resort because of this. The whole courting by text messaging process is brutal. A guy has to act like a dancing seal doing backflips just to keep a woman's attention. I find myself going out on dates with women that I'd not be interested in IRL because the psychological effect of having so many messages ignored is to lower standards. After a while, it's like, what the h3ll, just go out with her, otherwise I'm wasting hours and hours for naught.
GemmaUK Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 What exactly is scary, and how is it scary? Like are you scared for your physical safety, or is it more being nervous, or is it just a fear of wasting time? Well...an example.. The last girlfriend I had I met online. My first message to her asked her to marry me (something like, "After reviewing your pictures, i've decided I really like you. Actually, I am sure you are The One. Will you marry me?")... I guess it's a way to start off things in a non-serious way while poking fun at the social stigma of guys being too into/obsessed with a girl they've just met... But being that I don't want to attract another woman like my ex, I've been trying different tacts. In terms of success rate, I think that just being 100% upfront and responding directly and honestly is the *worst* way to go. That is scary! That would make me seriously reconsider my thoughts over meeting someone even if I did meet them. Texting is for last minute check ins - eg you're late or you're on your way. Or a quick possible suggestion of something to do followed up at some point by a call to talk about it and confirm it all.
Author Middle Posted September 21, 2017 Author Posted September 21, 2017 (edited) Well...an example.. That is scary! That would make me seriously reconsider my thoughts over meeting someone even if I did meet them. Texting is for last minute check ins - eg you're late or you're on your way. Or a quick possible suggestion of something to do followed up at some point by a call to talk about it and confirm it all. Lol, however I said it, I think it was quite obvious that I was not to be taken seriously at all - and it was partly because of her specific pictures/profile... I've actually sent a few similar first messages that turned into decent/funny banter (and dates)... I'm just pointing out that saying ridiculous things sometimes seems like the only way to catch a girl's attention long enough to get her interested in meeting up in person. Edited September 21, 2017 by Middle
Mike B. Posted September 21, 2017 Posted September 21, 2017 Lol, however I said it, I think it was quite obvious that I was not to be taken seriously at all - and it was partly because of her specific pictures/profile... I've actually sent a few similar first messages that turned into decent/funny banter (and dates)... I'm just pointing out that saying ridiculous things sometimes seems like the only way to catch a girl's attention long enough to get her interested in meeting up in person. I agree. After I asked the woman I am dating now, what she was looking for online when she first responded to me, she replied " I am looking for a long term relationship and possibly having more kids in the future." I replied "Wonderful! When can we get started on the kids?" She laughed. We will be going on our fifth date this weekend.
coolheadal Posted September 22, 2017 Posted September 22, 2017 Especially wondering what women have to say here... What makes a (mid 30s) guy an especially good texter in the online dating world? Once I get a date, I feel like I'm pretty good at holding a conversation, building attraction (if I'm attracted to her), etc... But when these women are barraged by messages, it can definitely be tough to stand out enough to get a date in the first place. I'm probably better than average looking, I have a good job, I'm independent/stable, etc. So I definitely can and do get dates, but on the attraction scale most of them go from being maybes to a no once I meet them (as their pictures tend to present themselves well) - but I do still make sure we both have a good time chatting for the evening. I get tired of trying to be super witty/clever/funny over text messages. So it's easy for a conversation to become "what are you interested in, what do you for fun" type of stuff, which obviously gets boring for a lot of women as they'll often just stop responding. And if I jump to asking for a date too quickly, that seems to sometimes derail things too. Anyway, I'm just wondering what in particular makes women here want to meet a guy you've talked to online? Get them on the phone and talk to them instead of texting is so impersonal.
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