Girlfriend having doubts (3 month mark)

[Grey40]

I've been dating this woman for about 3 months now, we live 1 hr apart, I've been seeing her roughly once a week (I almost always travel to her place and stay overnight so we have 2 full days together each week). We've both been comfortable with that setup. She calls me 2-3 times a day and we text back and forth as well throughout the week...that's how she prefers it. It's always her doing the calling, talking and initiating 90% of the time.

 

She had concerns stemming back to the very beginning. Even after date 4, she was worried about several things--she's never been in a long distance kind of relationship before. She was worried about my career being slightly unstable (I'm a musician), and about certain quirks about me--I can at times come off as slightly un-thoughtful and uncaring (I don't always ask her If she needs anything nor have I surprised her with anything). She almost was going to end it there on date 4, but we talked about it and she decided to give it a real try.

 

Things went amazing for the last 2.5 months. Sex was good, we had good times together, and really got along pretty well. However, lately she's been a little more controlling and stressed out (she's out of work at the moment, and things have been stressing her out family-wise too). She recently kind of turns down my ideas and wants to do what she wants. My mistake is that I kind of wimped out and got extra nice and let her make a lot of decisions and I think the roles in our relationship got slightly reverse where she became more dominant. She lost attraction because of that.

 

Two nights ago, she called me to "talk" and basically broke up with me saying that she's been conflicted because she really likes me and really likes a lot of qualities about me but lately I seem like just a "best friend" to her and not a lover. She's lost that romantic "spark" or "sexual attraction" and she doesn't think it makes sense to try and push through it when she's lost that spark this quickly (after only 3 months). She says there is definitely no one else in the picture but she has contemplated going back on the dating apps to see what else is out there, which she said isn't a good sign and she shouldn't feel that way this early on in the relationship, to which I 100% agreed with.

 

I think maybe we just moved a little too fast. We saw each other 2 Full days each week where we slept together and constantly talked on the phone and texted throughout the day each week. It also became sort of routine and monotonous. I think it was just a little too much. But she was a little needy, whenever I tried to wait a while to respond she would call multiple times. She's had trust issues (she was cheated on before), so she's always worried if I don't answer right away something might be going on.

 

The night we broke up, she wanted to hear my thoughts. I told her I still want to continue the relationship and I think we can push through it. I suggested we should cut off contact from each other for a little bit--no texting, no calling or contacting each other at all for like 4-5 days, so that maybe we'll both feel that we miss each other and want things back to how they were, and then we can reconnect and talk about it again. She agreed.

 

However, she broke the plan, and texted me the following day saying,

 

Her: "Hey can you talk later tonight? I've been thinking a lot about everything today and I think I have a plan"

 

Me: Can you call tomorrow? I'm a bit busy tonight.

 

Her: I can call you tomorrow night or some other time. have a good night

 

Me: Tom night is fine goodnight

 

Her: *thumbs up*

 

So, I'm waiting to see what she's going to say tomorrow, but I'm pretty puzzled. I wanted to continue to hold out with the NC, but if she has a plan I don't want to blow her off either. I'm just curious what it would possibly be. Thoughts?

Edited September 21, 2017 by Grey40

[dumbass2]

My guess is her plan is keeping you around as plan B while she continues on her search. Her saying she has lost that romantic spark after only 3 months does not bod well for you if your hope is to continue in a committed relationship with her. She doesn't appear to want that now, but who knows, maybe after trying the dating site for a while she might find that you aren't that bad after all. Never be a plan B.

[Grey40]

My guess is her plan is keeping you around as plan B while she continues on her search. Her saying she has lost that romantic spark after only 3 months does not bod well for you if your hope is to continue in a committed relationship with her. She doesn't appear to want that now, but who knows, maybe after trying the dating site for a while she might find that you aren't that bad after all. Never be a plan B.

 

Thanks. This is what I was thinking as well. I'm worried that she's going to say something like,

 

"well, we should stay in contact and talk to each other, maybe hang out less often but try and explore other options and date other people in the meantime, and then we will know for sure that we're meant to be"

 

if that's the case, hell no. I will just tell her, no thanks I'm not interested in that. If you want to explore other options and look for someone else, I'm done.

[dumbass2]

No, you tell her that YOU'RE going to explore other options and that you two should no longer be in contact and wish her the best. You don't need any more friends.

 

There's nothing else to do. She didn't feel that you two could work through the issues and stay together. She's already told you she thinks of you as a friend and romantic feelings are gone. Kiss of death. It's only been 3 months. Her feelings are not coming back. You need to start fresh with someone new. No need to waste any more time on this one.

[Gaeta]

I also think she will offer you to remain *friends* and I hope you will say no to that.

 

I don't think it was meant to be. From the start she had reservation about you. When she broke up after 4 dates you should have let her go.

 

As for you you may want to change a couple of things about your ways with women. It's not hard to be conciderate toward a woman you date and appreciate. If you must than set a reminder on your phone for every week or 2 weeks to do something nice for her. Doesn't need to be big, could be something like pick up her favorite coffee and pastry.

 

And if I may make a last comment. Dating somene only once a week isn't a winning strategy. You need to break the routine and show you are willing to break your routine to spend an extra night with her.

[Zippy2000]

My Lord! You situation sounds the same as mine. After 3 months of dating the woman said EXACTLY what your lady said to you. "Feels like a friend" and no spark. A lot of women to seem to use this and although true for most people. It doesn't take 3 months to find out. There was obviousily something from the beginning.

 

 

Maybe she looking for sparks, bonfire or lightning but this is real life and not some Disney story. People slowly come down to reality after a while and things settle down back to normality after initially meeting someone.

 

 

When I split up from my date she is back online. I was the first internet date she ever had.

 

 

Like Dumbass said. Maybe after a while back on the net she`ll find out you weren't that bad to date.

 

 

Ive had my fair share of dates, and out of the last 10 years. I have had 3 women that came back to me after they rejected me. Two I had no contact with and came back for a second chance. The third I knew for 6 years and then she changed her mind about me. Now, I'm not asking you to wait that long. Do your own thing. Limit any damage by going no contact and pop up every now and again.

 

 

Dating is hard but it shouldn't be this hard at the beginning.

[d0nnivain]

Dating is a try out, an audition if you will to see if there is a reason to go forward. She concluded that there is no basis to go forward. It was fun but for her something was missing. If that something hasn't materialized in the 1st 3 months during the honeymoon phase when everything is great it's not going to magically appear over time.

 

Your plan to not talk for 4-5 days after a situation where you talk 2-3 times a day (excessive much?) was unworkable. NC isn't to be used for manipulation to make somebody miss you. It's about your healing, not the other person's longings.

 

She wants to talk because she'd be down with some sort of FWB arrangement but wants to be free to date & have sex with other people. You seem to be falling for her. Because you care, you can't just have sex. You will end up hurt.

 

Listen to what she has to say but don't accept anything other than what you want: a committed, exclusive relationship. Don't think you can have her as a friend & eventually she'll come around. It doesn't work that way. She will lose respect for you & there is no coming back from that.

 

When she says she wants to be friends understand what that means in this context -- after a break up it can only mean no fighting, no drama & that you can be pleasant & civil to each other if you accidently run into each other in public. It does not mean you remain in each other's lives & occasionally chat, text or stay connected on social media.

[Mjm1014]

I'm very sorry you're going through this OP...I went through the exact same thing a few months back when I was dating a girl who "lost the spark" around the 3 month mark. I'm going to be brutally honest about things...

 

Honestly, I would let her go. She's made it clear that she wants to get back out there to date other people (dating apps), and that she doesn't feel the same way about you. Unless you do something extremely significant to reattract her, she is going to make you a Plan B while she looks around for the next best thing, plus she laid it all out on the table, do you really want to constantly be worrying if she is "feeling it" or "wants to date around" even if things do turn around between you two? The three month mark is crucial, and for the fact the relationship is failing (on her end) early on is not a good sign at all which makes you wonder if you're even compatible.

 

My gf at the time did the exact same thing, became distant, wanted me to always travel to her, always did what she wanted to do...basically all the signs were there that she was falling out of the relationship, but you and I both failed to pick up on it until THE TALK was brought up. Once she got bored/disinterested it was over-so while not official, its been over in her mind most likely for awhile now.

 

Best thing you can do is hold your ground. Do not accept being a Plan B, and do not accept being "just friends." It's either commitment or it's time she hits the road. Most likely she's going to try manipulating you into basically being a backup which you should not accept.

 

One thing you can do is reverse the rule, tell her you want to take a break to "date around" and get right to it. Maybe she will finally come to her senses and realize what she's missing-maybe not, but its worth a shot. Some people take others for granted. Good luck OP.

[Grey40]

Thanks everyone, as much as I don't want to let her go and lose her, it seems like the best way to go. And everyone on here is basically giving the same advice which is a tell tale sign.

 

I will keep you updated on what she says when we talk tonight. But you're right, I really don't see how her "plan" is going to be anything other than me being a Plan B. Even if it's like a "let's date other people and well set up a date in a few weeks and re-evaluate". That would be tough. I know she's already been back on the app because she deleted our conversation on bumble that's been there for 3 months.

 

I guess my question is, have any of you women ever lost that "spark" with someone but then somehow found it again or wanted them back in that same way? Is it at all possible for that to happen?

 

This woman although went up and down for her feelings toward me, in the beginning she was head over heels no doubt. She was obsessive for the first few weeks.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Grey40

[GemmaUK]

I guess my question is, have any of you women ever lost that "spark" with someone but then somehow found it again or wanted them back in that same way? Is it at all possible for that to happen?

 

This woman although went up and down for her feelings toward me, in the beginning she was head over heels no doubt. She was obsessive for the first few weeks.

 

No, spark lost and I was checking out, not to be with anyone else but just not to be with the guy.

 

I've never gone so fast as you describe but usually hit it fast and it falls fast.

 

I think you should move on.

[Gaeta]

How did it go Grey40?

[Grey40]

Still waiting to have the talk. She's on vacation this weekend with her mom, and they're sharing a hotel room, so she texted me saying we will talk tomorrow or when she gets back because she doesnt want her mom involved in the conversation. I said ok. Kind of sucks because now I'm going to end up waiting 4 days just to hear her probably give me "let's be friends and see other people" speech.

[Grey40]

So we had the "talk". Really pointless. She said she feels the same, she doesn't envision a future with me...mainly because she think I'm too content and comfortable where I am and don't want to strive for more. Her exact quote was something like, "You're almost 30 how long are you going to just work teaching guitar and playing music with no benefits or anything".

 

She didn't think I would be able to really move forward or ever be able to "support" a family in the future. That was her #1 reasoning. She had a problem that I seemed to live more "day to day" and seemed to not be thinking about my plans for the future. So, she kind of bashed my career and said I was too content (meanwhile she's currently unemployed, which is I found to be pretty hilarious). She said "why are you content only working 20 hours a week and making $40,000 when you could be making much more if you got more students?" Etc. She doesn't know what I make or what I have saved so that was pretty out of line.

 

Then had the nerve to say, "I don't want you to think this is about money"

 

I did also tear into her a little bit as well, but then just apologized and decided to take the higher ground rather than get nasty or defensive. We both wished each other the best.

 

What bothers me the most is that she said, "I'm here for you if you ever need me, and I'm not saying we can't be together maybe in the future, down the line when you work on yourself and get your things together". I guess talking to her about this made me realize that maybe I did really dodge a bullet with this girl. She seems to be expecting a lot very soon. Makes sense, she's 29 y/o woman and her clock to settle down and everything is ticking.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Grey40

[Dis]

So we had the "talk". Really pointless. She said she feels the same, she doesn't envision a future with me...mainly because she think I'm too content and comfortable where I am and don't want to strive for more. Her exact quote was something like, "You're almost 30 how long are you going to just work teaching guitar and playing music with no benefits or anything".

 

She didn't think I would be able to really move forward or ever be able to "support" a family in the future. That was her #1 reasoning. She had a problem that I seemed to live more "day to day" and seemed to not be thinking about my plans for the future. So, she kind of bashed my career and said I was too content (meanwhile she's currently unemployed, which is I found to be pretty hilarious). She said "why are you content only working 20 hours a week and making $40,000 when you could be making much more if you got more students?" Etc. She doesn't know what I make or what I have saved so that was pretty out of line.

 

Then had the nerve to say, "I don't want you to think this is about money"

 

I did also tear into her a little bit as well, but then just apologized and decided to take the higher ground rather than get nasty or defensive. We both wished each other the best.

 

What bothers me the most is that she said, "I'm here for you if you ever need me, and I'm not saying we can't be together maybe in the future, down the line when you work on yourself and get your things together". I guess talking to her about this made me realize that maybe I did really dodge a bullet with this girl. She seems to be expecting a lot very soon. Makes sense, she's 29 y/o woman and her clock to settle down and everything is ticking.

 

Lmao A clocks thats ticking or isnt ticking has nothing to do with not wanting a man who confessed he isnt considerate, doesnt think of his partner much and doesnt have a stable, reliable life style or career

 

I dont think you were complaining about her "ticking clock" when things were going well, no?

 

You do have one point though, if she's unemployed she doesnt have a leg to stand on

 

I dont think the phrase, "I dodged a bullet" applies here. She took off for some good reasons. Besides her unemployment, I think she dodged a bullet.

 

Next time you find a woman with a job/career, you're going to need to seriously up your game or find a woman who doesnt mind dating someone who doesnt think of her often and doesnt make much of a living

[Logo]

Perhaps the “spark” she euphemistically used was actually trepidation concerning your income and lifestyle. She just didn’t articulate it clearly until after she met with her mother. They probably had a nice discussion and the mother gave her that nice, clean-break excuse.

 

Out of curiosity, what did she do for work? What’s your and her education levels?

 

 

You seem to be still in the phase of enjoying the benefits of your youth while she is thinking about starting a family. Women her age are usually on a career path and start looking for a suitable husband at that age.

 

 

 

It’s no reflection on you. As I see it, it’s a combination of 2 things, you guys are on 2 different timelines. I don’t know what future career plans you have for yourself, but either she was experimenting from the start and this entire goals and achievements thing was a convenient excuse or she just wasn’t liking the fact that she was putting most of the effort to initiate things. Although, to your credit, you were the one who drove an hour to see her.

 

 

Is there any reason she didn’t drive to your place to see you?

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, I think the so-called "spark" was never really there for her, as evidenced by her having doubts as early as the 4th date.

 

Her being obsessive in the beginning was not a good sign, either. That usually indicates that someone is trying to fill a void and soothe some past hurt or insecurity, and slotting you in to do just that. It's not generally about her wanting you, as a person, simply because she didn't know you well enough yet. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it also doesn't mean she was barreling in for the right reasons.

 

I think her concerns about your career and lifestyle are actually secondary to the fact that she's just not that into you, unfortunately, and it compounds her lack of feelings for you.

[coolheadal]

So we had the "talk". Really pointless. She said she feels the same, she doesn't envision a future with me...mainly because she think I'm too content and comfortable where I am and don't want to strive for more. Her exact quote was something like, "You're almost 30 how long are you going to just work teaching guitar and playing music with no benefits or anything".

 

She didn't think I would be able to really move forward or ever be able to "support" a family in the future. That was her #1 reasoning. She had a problem that I seemed to live more "day to day" and seemed to not be thinking about my plans for the future. So, she kind of bashed my career and said I was too content (meanwhile she's currently unemployed, which is I found to be pretty hilarious). She said "why are you content only working 20 hours a week and making $40,000 when you could be making much more if you got more students?" Etc. She doesn't know what I make or what I have saved so that was pretty out of line.

 

Then had the nerve to say, "I don't want you to think this is about money"

 

I did also tear into her a little bit as well, but then just apologized and decided to take the higher ground rather than get nasty or defensive. We both wished each other the best.

 

What bothers me the most is that she said, "I'm here for you if you ever need me, and I'm not saying we can't be together maybe in the future, down the line when you work on yourself and get your things together". I guess talking to her about this made me realize that maybe I did really dodge a bullet with this girl. She seems to be expecting a lot very soon. Makes sense, she's 29 y/o woman and her clock to settle down and everything is ticking.

 

All this means is she doesn't want to STRUGGLE be with a man who only wants to do what your doing for a living. She wants more from you but you happy with what your doing to make ends meet. That is where this whole story has played out. This woman is all about what she wants and what you have to do for her to make it possible for her to live with you. She wants things you can't give her! TO SUM THIS UP IN ONE SENTENCE SHE WANTS IT ALL!

 

You continue to teach and play the guitar that's what you l like to do. She not having it she want you to make more and to do more give up that hat you like to do for her. Sometimes you have to draw the line in the sand and say NO!

 

Where you happy driving Hyundai Santa Fe , she wants Lexus RX 450 H..

[Gaeta]

Next time a woman tells you she wants a big paycheck and benefits, tell her she is free to go get it herself.

 

You love what you do and it's paying your bills. You run your life as you see fit and one day it will be just wonderful for a woman.

 

I think she used all this as an excuse because she didn't feel appreciated in your relationship. Her very first complain was about you being a cold partner. It doesn't matter what you do for living and the benefits you may get, if you know how to *love* a woman, if you know how to make her feel special, appreciated, desired then she will be forever devoted to you. That's what you need to change in you. You need to learn how to love and appreciate a woman.

[Mjm1014]

OP sorry you're having to deal with a girl acting this way. I've been in the same boat...I'm in a career field (aviation) that starts out paying low, and the industry is very unstable. I've had more than one tell me they couldn't handle the lifestyle and didn't know if they could see a future with me for that reason because they had concerns. Seems like 9/10 times someone else put that in their heads, like their parents, and then they kind of ran with the idea...

 

Anyways, do you man. Do what you want, enjoy life. If that's what you enjoy doing, don't let it stop you. Too many people end up in jobs they are miserable in...eventually you'll find someone that respects your career. This girl isn't it...she will become a headache down the line anywsys. Move on to the next. Good luck

[Grey40]

Thanks everyone. She's making it hard to let go. She called me tonight out of the blue. I shouldn't have answered but I did, she said she just wanted to chat,and that she'd like it if we stay in touch. I said "I don't see the point in that but I guess". I guess she's trying to keep me there until she finds someone else just so there's no "void" but rather a smother emotional transition. I kept it very brief.

[dumbass2]

You're making it hard to let go. She's already let go of you as a romantic partner. You wanna be her male girlfriend that she can confide in and chit chat with?

[coolheadal]

Thanks everyone. She's making it hard to let go. She called me tonight out of the blue. I shouldn't have answered but I did, she said she just wanted to chat,and that she'd like it if we stay in touch. I said "I don't see the point in that but I guess". I guess she's trying to keep me there until she finds someone else just so there's no "void" but rather a smother emotional transition. I kept it very brief.

 

Never answer the cell,, she done you be done, yes I know it's very hard to let go, but you have to mentally try in your head to say she wants out then find I will not answer the cell. If she turns up at your door let her in. Keep the talk small let's see what she wants if that happens. You are not for the sideline or to be place in friend-zone or buddy-zone or text buddy.. Never give into that make you feel your pain. If you can't be a couple in love in a relationship then you don't want no part of her. See your way out of my life and the door! Goodbye

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks everyone. She's making it hard to let go. She called me tonight out of the blue. I shouldn't have answered but I did, she said she just wanted to chat,and that she'd like it if we stay in touch. I said "I don't see the point in that but I guess". I guess she's trying to keep me there until she finds someone else just so there's no "void" but rather a smother emotional transition. I kept it very brief.

 

For your own well-being, tell her this is not an option. She doesn't get to lean on you for company and attention after breaking up with you.

 

You two can't be friends right now, not when you still have feelings for her.

Edited September 26, 2017 by ExpatInItaly