Serious Ask: Why do guys string you along?

[olivetree]

I am a woman and there are two guys Ive been stringing along forever. I feel kinda bad about it but, eh, not too bad bc I really truly dont have bad motives and i dont really wanna be doing it. Its like there's no good alternative.

 

The first one I met probably about two and a half years ago and I realky liked him and he kinda hurt me. I was 44 and he was 26 at the time, so i knew we werent made for each other. But we had a very bondy few days right after we met and I was really blown away. Then all the sudden one morning he woke up in a very dark mood and it felt like he was just putting up with the formalities of ushering me out of his apartment, then i didnt hear from him for a couple of months. I dont even remember how we ended up hanging out again after that but maybe a year and a half ago all of the sudden he wantd to spend a lot of time with me in the last month before he was deployed. I really think he needed a mommy and also someone to have sex with. lol. And we got very close during that time. And he texted me the second he got back and it was a sweet reunion. But since then I've pretty much been stringing him along bc I dont want to (ever) be completely done with him, but its a ridiculous idea to have a real relationship with him. I dont want to hurt him at all. And i dont think it really does hurt him. Just a couple of days ago we had a really nice talk. And i wouldnt be at all surprised if we have another crazy week or month together at some point.

 

The other one is kinda similar except we havent had a real physical relationship other than a couple of minimal makeout sessions. It sounds crazy but I value his friendship a lot. He lives in the apartment next door so our bedrooms share a wall. He's 22. (omfg!) I first noticed that he had a thing for me about a year and a half ago. Id run into him in the hall in the middle of the night and have these weird encounters, flirting and a little kissing. But for like a year id never let him into my apartment. About six months ago, tho, we started doing this thing where he'd just hang out at my place and chat. He'd just lie on my bed and talk while i folded my laundry or whatever. It was sweet and fun. Hes always saying he wants to come over one night and stay and I say something like maybe because, again, I do like him and I do kinda wanna sleep with him, but between him being 22 ffs and living right next door i just cant take that leap. I was just talking to him today and drooling over his fb pics. But Im no closer to sealing the deal than i was a few months ago. Still, I like having him in my life.

 

I dont know that what Im doing with these two is great but I do really like them both a lot. Its not out of disrespect or because I dont dig them. Quite the opposite. And I think if this guy didnt dig you, he wouldnt even think to communicate with you at all.

 

Perhaps you left some details out because this doesn't sound like you stringing these guys along at all.

It sounds like you are both mutually using each other when convenient.

[mushroomlol]

He wasn't stringing you along. You agreed to FWB then you wanted more. Even if you didn't say it, your actions let him know. He had to remind you that you two weren't dating.

 

What happened here was you agreed to less than what you wanted. Then you started pressing for more. He said no to more. Yet you chose to stick around multiple times. Now you are blaming him for the decisions you made.

 

He was happy to take what you were willing to give -- sex -- but no more. He probably didn't handle things well when he realized you wanted more but this mess is more your doing then his.

 

I have FB before so I know how it works. We don't need to talk or plan anything. Anytime you feel like hooking up just text and if the other party agrees then you will hook up. Simple and easy. But he initiates texts and make plans etc. acting as if we were dating.

Anyway, it's on me. I shouldn't allow it.

[d0nnivain]

You have more control here then you realize. When you say no more / stop this will end.

[mushroomlol]

but never meets up with me -- He will when his other more important, handy options are used up or not available when HE wants them, etc. . . .

 

He probably also does it because he's getting his ego stroked knowing that some woman is sitting there "waiting" for him like a dog waiting for someone to drop food on the floor.

 

You are right. He came by my house the other day when I said I wanted to cut it off and called me but I happened to leave my phone elsewhere so I didn't pick up. He then said he was so busy with work but he still wanted to surprise me. I felt like he's doing all the things that have me illusion which I told him it's so manipulative.

[Steve51]

Mostly for sex or to have someone to date until they find the one they really like. Learn now that men will do anything for sex. They will lie and make you think that they love you. The thing for you to do is to break it off as soon as you feel that he is stringing you along. I had dated a lot of women and it was amazing how many would grasp as straws than to break up. Do not be desperate for a man or he will use that against you to get what he wants. You deserve better than that.

[grays]

Perhaps you left some details out because this doesn't sound like you stringing these guys along at all.

It sounds like you are both mutually using each other when convenient.

 

I think I am because they both text pretty regularly and ask to see each other and I almost always say cant right now but maybe another time.

 

My only point to the OP is that even if all the negative stuff people are saying is true, it might also ne true that tjis guy has some good feelings about her, too.

[Redhead14]

he's doing all the things that have me illusion - He isn't DOING anything. You said, yourself, that he's been pretty much all talk and no action for 9 months. He had 9 months to demonstrate his sincerity and to figure out if he really wanted to be with you!!!

 

The guy has some big nuts for showing up at your house unannounced after you told him you were moving on (if you didn't answer the phone, he should have left a message, not proceed to your house). You've been twiddling away with this guy for so long, he's gonna have a hard time taking you seriously.

 

You tell this guy you are done and do it with assertiveness -- not disrespectfully, but decisively and then block and delete him. []

Edited September 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Miss Peach]

If you have any sort of emotionally attachment at the outcome (sounds like you are) then it's time to move on. He's had plenty of time to figure out you're great and since he hasn't and hasn't made time for you then this is the best you will get if you stay.

 

I know a guy like this. I really don't care because it's a sort of I'll see him when I see him and I always have a plan B for my time with him.

 

There was one guy I tried to date seriously like that. First few times I told him that if I wasn't going to be a priority in his schedule he would lose priority in mine. When it happened again, I started dating other men and started turning him down. He changed his tune quickly and tried to get me back. If I were strung on for 9 months like that, I wouldn't buy it because he had 9 months to step up and didn't.

[kendahke]

OP, it's really all down to whether or not you are truly done and done with him.

 

It sounds like you're not. I've not read anything that you've written that even indicates that you have reached rock bottom with this guy--just a bunch of complaining that you can't have your way and a lack of self control added in for good measure.

 

I mean, if all you want is to scratch an itch with him, then, in the words of Liam Gallagher, 'As you were, R Kid'. Just quit lying to yourself that you want more than that and take it as it is for what it is---a convenience move on both your parts.

 

If you want more, then you need to act like it and quite putting your worth on discount every time he pops up. If you don't value your worth, he sure as hell ain't gonna do it for you--he's just going to follow your cue.

[mushroomlol]

he's doing all the things that have me illusion - He isn't DOING anything. You said, yourself, that he's been pretty much all talk and no action for 9 months. He had 9 months to demonstrate his sincerity and to figure out if he really wanted to be with you!!!

 

The guy has some big nuts for showing up at your house unannounced after you told him you were moving on (if you didn't answer the phone, he should have left a message, not proceed to your house). You've been twiddling away with this guy for so long, he's gonna have a hard time taking you seriously.

 

You tell this guy you are done and do it with assertiveness -- not disrespectfully, but decisively and then block and delete him. []

 

Ohhhh just want to say we did go out and have dates in the last 9 months it's not like I've been just talking to him for 9 months. But you are right. He is not doing anything to want to be with me. I am assertive this time. I really am.

[Redhead14]

Ohhhh just want to say we did go out and have dates in the last 9 months it's not like I've been just talking to him for 9 months. But you are right. He is not doing anything to want to be with me. I am assertive this time. I really am.

 

I understand that you have been on dates, but it appears that they are, at least for you, too infrequent.

 

Stick to your plan and put this guy in the wind. Good luck.

[mushroomlol]

OP, it's really all down to whether or not you are truly done and done with him.

 

It sounds like you're not. I've not read anything that you've written that even indicates that you have reached rock bottom with this guy--just a bunch of complaining that you can't have your way and a lack of self control added in for good measure.

 

I mean, if all you want is to scratch an itch with him, then, in the words of Liam Gallagher, 'As you were, R Kid'. Just quit lying to yourself that you want more than that and take it as it is for what it is---a convenience move on both your parts.

 

If you want more, then you need to act like it and quite putting your worth on discount every time he pops up. If you don't value your worth, he sure as hell ain't gonna do it for you--he's just going to follow your cue.

 

I am not complaining I am really just curious why would he string me along if we are not a good match. Anyway, I can't seem to express myself really clearly. But I am really done with him.

[mushroomlol]

If you have any sort of emotionally attachment at the outcome (sounds like you are) then it's time to move on. He's had plenty of time to figure out you're great and since he hasn't and hasn't made time for you then this is the best you will get if you stay.

 

I know a guy like this. I really don't care because it's a sort of I'll see him when I see him and I always have a plan B for my time with him.

 

There was one guy I tried to date seriously like that. First few times I told him that if I wasn't going to be a priority in his schedule he would lose priority in mine. When it happened again, I started dating other men and started turning him down. He changed his tune quickly and tried to get me back. If I were strung on for 9 months like that, I wouldn't buy it because he had 9 months to step up and didn't.

 

It's just sad that you will have plan B for your time with him. Why can't people just treat each other nicely and respect the plans agreed on?

 

I dont think I was strung along for 9 months. We had a great time and I was happy. It's just the last month that things changed and I am not having fun anymore.

Edited September 21, 2017 by mushroomlol

[smackie9]

Everyone is right...you have to take some responsibility for this. The same thing keeps happening over and over....how many time should it take? I say 2. Once you can give them a second change but after that, you shouldn't play that game.

[Miss Spider]

I don't mean to judge ya on your choices and I'm sure there were parts of this that were fun and enjoyable for you. Just offering my 2 cents as is the way it goes on advice forums...

 

You got emotionally attached and wanted a relationship with this dude awhile back. He kept showing you he didn't, but you stuck it out with him anyway hoping things would change. Only when he verbally told you what he'd been telling you with his actions for months did you 'accept' it. I put that in quotes because you're still not fully even accepted it. You've still been letting him pull you back even though his behavior is bugging you and you know it's a dead end because your feelings won't let you fall back.

 

If you want a relationship, someone dependable and committed, it's advisable to not get involved in emotionally and physically involved undefined things such as these for months on end. You're wasting precious time with guys who are not valuing you or treating you how you want to be treated

 

Best of luck!!!

Edited September 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Peach]

It's just sad that you will have plan B for your time with him. Why can't people just treat each other nicely and respect the plans agreed on?

 

I dont think I was strung along for 9 months. We had a great time and I was happy. It's just the last month that things changed and I am not having fun anymore.

 

For the plan B guy, he's not someone i really care is in my life or not. I just would fit him into spots of time where I didn't have anything better going on and he does the same. He's not in my inner circle by any means so i really don't sweat it but the reason I consider it is because as least I might have a fun conversation out of it which sounds more appealing than my other options on some nights where my city just feels dead and my real friends are busy.

 

As for your guy, if you hope and be a doormat to him he'll have no motivation to change his behavior. If he's not that into you then there's nothing you can do. If it truly has been good and it sounds like he's testing you or getting into bad habits, then talk to him once and then make yourself busy when he's not making an effort. You can't control the outcome but you can put your foot down as to how you'll accept to be treated.

 

I had to do that with one guy. He wasn't showing my respect or value. I talked to him once and told him I value my time and that I wasn't going to treat him like a priority if he treated me like an option. He still kept doing what he had been doing (last minute plans, cancellations, etc.) but when he did try to come around I had other plans. I had other dates. He changed his tune very quickly.

[coolheadal]

So I decided to call it off with this guy since based on what he said 'we are not dating'. We've been seeing each other for 9 months. I tried to break it off a few times but every time I gave up whenever he asked me back. So this time same thing happened. Basically he would say he really wanted to see me but on the day we were supposed to meet he would bail with all sorts of reasons. He would always propose a new time but then he kept bailing.

 

I genuinely don't understand. If you want to see me, then we will meet. What's the point of stringing me along with words? Do guys usually do that? I am seriously curious about the thoughts behind.

 

Good thing is I am really tired of this at this point and I tell myself do not contact him under any circumstance even when I was drunk.

 

I am sorry my dear you have been stringed along like you have been. I never do that I usually want to see the women I with. But after reading this I wonder if I have ever been stringed along with one of the women I've dated also? OH MY LORD mean women..

 

You need to not contact this guy even if your drunk smart move.. I convince myself never contact those who I guess have stringed me along as well mean women.. Sorry not you..I guess some like doing that string us along for their enjoyment but what do we get out of that nothing for us just for them.. Take to say Goodbye and lock your cell down from them.

[Miss Spider]

People are just really selfish sometimes