A question for former [betrayed spouses]

[ladydesigner]

??? If you didn't D or R, what did you do?

 

 

Oh what I originally meant by no R was that I thought we were in R for 3 years but we weren't, hence the no R or Fake R on his end.

 

Currently we are trying R again after a separation. I just don't think my feelings of overwhelming love will ever return for him. There is a part of me missing and I haven't been able to recover.

[wmacbride]

Oh what I originally meant by no R was that I thought we were in R for 3 years but we weren't, hence the no R or Fake R on his end.

 

Currently we are trying R again after a separation. I just don't think my feelings of overwhelming love will ever return for him. There is a part of me missing and I haven't been able to recover.

 

That's really sad.

[40somethingGuy]

Oh what I originally meant by no R was that I thought we were in R for 3 years but we weren't, hence the no R or Fake R on his end.

 

Currently we are trying R again after a separation. I just don't think my feelings of overwhelming love will ever return for him. There is a part of me missing and I haven't been able to recover.

 

This exactly. While my WW has been on her best behavior I don't think I could ever love her like I once did. I wanted R at the time because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with my kids every day and some other guy Co raising them. While I don't show it much I still have a lot of resentment over her choice to pursue a married man under my nose. I still have my days where I want to hurt her back emotionally buy at the end of the day can't stand that I would have to give up half of what I worked for and give it to her because she made the deceitful decisions she made.

[road]

I don't mean to offend you, but if you had been able to meet with him face to face and let all this out, do you think it would have helped you heal?

 

Reconciliation isn't right for everyone. For some, divorce is the better option. t sounds like it was for you. You put the trash out from your life that was dragging you down.

 

The problem is not getting to confront the OM.

If a BH beats up the OM he risks getting arrested

and go through the legal system and sued by the

by the OM for damages and suffering.

 

Or if the OM gets the upper hand then the medical

recovery, humiliated further by the OM on top of

the original humiliation from the affair. Then while

in the hospital the OM is free to visit my WW. Lose

lose for the BH.

 

A WW is the one to confront she was not forced

to enter a relationship with an OM.

 

Confront is not the best word. Though just sit down

and be calm as possible to ask questions, answering

them, and hear the answers, processing then continue

to the process is completed.

[merrmeade]

Confront is not the best word. Though just sit down

and be calm as possible to ask questions, answering

them, and hear the answers, processing then continue

to the process is completed.

Yeah, would be nice but rarely happens.

 

I apologize in advance for this long post about my own situation in someone else's thread. But that was the question and, well, there was not just one. You won't miss anything just skipping over it. Nothing new.

 

There were three LTAs over 4 decades years that I found out about during the 3 years following the last one, which was the first one I found out about. I'll consider each one at a time, beginning with the most recent.

 

#3 OW was my brother's wife, and I'd loved her. I’d truly thought of her as a sister and had revealed so much of myself and my family with her. I now realize the sharing was one-way, my revelations were manipulated, and . I did not know who she really was or know that I didn’t know her.

 

The first sign was her quiet but unmistakable disapproval of me which grew to more and more overt criticism. I started realizing they were closer than she and I were. She’d seek my husband’s advice for everything, even things he had no expertise in. She began interjecting herself (in the guise of family support) into my husband’s health events to the point even of trying to manage a hospital stay and almost posing as his wife. When I finally confronted her, she said that they’d never told me because I shared my mother’s disapproval of friendship between married men and women and wouldn’t have been “comfortable” with it. Later, as I read through 3 years of their limerence by emails, I also saw a deep, hidden resentment of myself and the rest of the family. She and WH shared this attitude as long-suffering, sensitive introverts, condescending to tolerate our brash humor and unpredictable spontaneity. in our Long story short, Dday consisted of his confession (when I probed) that their relationship was, indeed, wrong and she knew it, too. Some confession. It took another six months to get the details.

 

But the odd thing was that she never acted like there was a Dday. I think they’d agreed on some cockamamie story, and she didn’t know that he’d very quickly abandoned it. I still thought I could talk to her and get the truth from her that he was not giving me and called her a couple of times to ask how far they went but soon realized that her loyalty was entirely with him. She would not reveal more than (she thought) he had, would not ‘betray’ him. She continued in this LaLa Land as if nothing had happened, even tried to contact him through a neighbor, which is when WH sent a No Contact letter. After 3 months, she wrote me a terse, 3-line note which read, “We were needy. It was mutual. Please forgive me.” We talked by phone a few days later, and I was moved to say that I did forgive her. At this, she acted as if it was a foregone conclusion that she’d be forgiven and proceeded to say everything we’d done wrong to them.

 

I had to see her a lot when my brother was dying and let her hug me so as to not make a scene at his deathbed. But she continued to assume that this was her prerogative - or at least that I would not make a scene in public - and embraced me at every event following his death. And there were at least six events.

 

So because OW was my friend and betrayed me, I hate her. I hate her because she had sex with my husband, and I hate her because she lied about it. Because she hid it, lied, continued to lie and act like nothing had happened, I hate her. And I hate her because barely 6 months after my brother’s death, she married her high school sweetheart, whom she’d started seeing less than a month after my brother died.

 

#2 OW was a family friend. He told me their EA went on “for years,” which I think means the decade or so before 2000. He denied PIV but admitted to titty fondling and body rubbing, claiming that she’d insisted they’d “burn in hell” if they had sex. I am 100% sure he’s lying and there was at least one assignation if not more.

 

I hate her because she befriended my daughter while giving me the cold shoulder (before I knew about them). I hate her because she generally was distant and arrogant with me. I hate her because I tried to be her friend but was rejected. Mainly I hate her because she treated me like shyte will fooling around with my husband.

 

#1 OW is now my husband brother’s wife. (Yep, real piece of work my WH is.) They met at his first job, would stay late and eventually started a car pool of two people. She was going through a divorce. He says they screwed once and that she chased him. Whatever.

 

Now, get ready for this: I don’t hate her. For one thing, she hadn’t known me before their A. She did, I think, influence her husband to treat me with less than family acceptance, much less, for years, but he finally decided I was okay. It’s been a long time, almost 40 years, on this one, and while I do not want to be friends with her, I also do not feel hatred toward her. Indifference maybe.

 

So, that’s the 3 OWs. What a story, eh? But I blame WH for all of the unbelievable sliminess. I blame his sniveling dishonesty, cowardice and clueless humanity for their mean attitudes toward me. I blame his adolescent view of love and relationships. I believe he had (less so now if that’s possible) a personality disorder. I also think that he was what they call, in books and articles about limerence, a “limerence addict,” someone addicted to the high of new attractions cycled in and out of every 3-5 years.

 

Yet when I think about the OWs, I immediately turn to him and see a man who’s changed. I see a man who lets me save him from hypocrisy and pumped up self-importance. I see a man who lets me call him on anything approaching prevarication. I see a man who wants to change as long as I don’t throw it in his face. It’s not that I forgave him; it’s that he changed.

 

P.S. There were two more but really, really long ago. One was the first year we married, which is bad but harder to identify with the 20-something that I was. And frankly, our marriage was always precarious - until now. It was never as good as it is now. Go figure.

[waterwoman]

I view her as a train wreck TBH.

 

She was 25 and H was not her first MM. She had 3 kids by two different men by the time she was 23.

 

She married her current H while already getting too close to my H and within a few month had started an A with him.

 

She tells people she had a bad neglectful childhood but people who know her family say that is simply not true - her FOO was a bit unconventional perhaps but fundamentally loving and secure.

 

She adores her kids apparently but leaves them most of the time with her 'neglectful' parents.

 

She is desperately needy of attention and validation.

 

She used to cut herself on a regular basis and then tells everyone about it .

 

She is a mess and I was attempting to be a friend to her when I found out about their A. I suppose the saying is true that hurt people hurt people. I haven't seen her for years and I am glad of that. I still feel sorry for her but I'd hate to meet her again - would bring back a lot of pain and feelings about her that I am ashamed of.

[Furious]

This is a thread for bs...

 

If you are a bs who's A had ended, how do you view your spouse's former ap?

 

I vacillate between seeing her as a twit who can't get her sh@togtehr, and feeling incredibly bad for her, as she hasn't had an easy life. heard a blurb form her again the other day. Nothing noteworthy, just a " no matter what you did to me, I am happy" photo through social media.

 

Se she had an very brief affair with my spouse, did her best to cr@p all over my life for nearly a decade since, and I'm the one who is keeping her from being happy?

 

What a tool! I showed it to my husband, he hugged me and apologized. this isn't his fault. If , almost ten years after an affair that lasted a few weeks ) not even six) she can't get past trying to irritate me and keep a lid on herself, she has a problem.

 

Anyway, enough about me and HH ( the initials of a rude moniker my friend and i made up for her..don't ask what it is as its rude) how about you?

 

I'm fortunate to not have an ex affair partner stalking me. On the other hand it boggles the mind that many WS's invite what are clearly damaged individuals into their lives and the havoc and abuse they produce. Smh....

 

Gently....by zeroing on the affair partners flaws is a futile exercise and a diversion of the WS's flaws to invite such a person into their life and the repercussions that it causes.

 

The affair partner is only a reflection of the wayward spouse. That's a difficult pill to swallow.

[William]

Since the thread starter's affair experience by their own admission ended a decade ago, or more, and they are requesting opinions from 'former bs' (changed to betrayed spouses in the title by moderation), we moved this to MLP per policy since the starting post referenced the 'spouse's former ap', hence inferring they're still married. Thanks!