lost87 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 2 weeks ago a new girl came to work at my place and lets say after working a shift with her and decent quite deep conversation, i asked for her number and she gave me it. Im sexually attracted to her and she is to me, well so she says anyway.. and after our 1st meet up we had sex numourous times. Although quite a passionate start, i feel that i am finding it hard to trust this girl. She spoke about her upbringing and tells me that she went off the rails after her parents divorse when she was 12 and turned to drugs and lived with various family members due to her behaviour. She was preganant with her only child at 17, shes 24 now.. im 29. Shes also told me that her 2 previous meaningful relationships were hell as she suffered emotional and physical abuse from her partners and she critizes and berates them alot. I dunno if i hav trust issues due to my 2 previous ex girlfriends walking out on me both after 4 years, due to "wanting to find themselves"..but i find it hard to trust what this new girl says. To me her life has been filled with constant drama and something tells me that she has maybe been the root cause of it..but she paints a picture that she has done nothin wrong in her previous relationships. She wouldnt be the most intelligent of girls so she finds it hard to express what she is trying to say when i chat to her about this stuff..she just keeps saying that she is a simple girl and she only wants an easy life. Ive been in her company a few times now and she seems to get quitr easily agitated with things i.e her appearance leaving the house, worries alot about how i percieve her or her appearance which i think might stem from the abusive partners in the past, but its uncomfortable to be around with having to reassure her all the time. I like this girl, but im just worried she's to damaged and will be hard work to actually have as a life partner. Im not desperate to be in a relationship, im content at the minute but i just dont want to brush this girl off without some perspective. Anyone relate or can sure some light or advise. Cheers 1
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Each woman I have dated that was "abused" had a different definition of abuse than I did. They also would say they hated drama but their life was filled with drama, all their own doing. There would literally be nothing bad going on they would find a way to make problems or start drama. The "abuse" they claimed would basically come down to the guy was horrible, said and did nasty things, they would tell stories etc...They would talk about their exes and say things about them that by their own definition would be "abuse". I would have mutual friends that when I would hear a story of a horrible thing an ex did, would fill me in on the other side of the story and I would side with the ex and realize the victim story she was telling was not really true. My latest ex with an addiction problem would do terrible things and cry and apologize, but a week later berate me like she never did anything wrong. She would one day say she felt terrible, the next day say she did nothing wrong and I am horrible. I got a call from a guy this past weekend that she is with now and he told me she is doing the same thing to him. She has told me before he is "abusive" and I have no doubt she has told him I was "abusive" when in fact I am the only one that kept her alive and out of jail at my great detriment. If I could bet my paycheck, from my experience I would say her stories of past "abuse" are BS and just her blaming her exes for crappy things she did. The fact that you seem to indicate you get a gut feeling not to trust her makes me believe it even more. 3
Bastile Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Each woman I have dated that was "abused" had a different definition of abuse than I did. I seriously can't remember a time in my life when encountering this held any sort of water. Being a white-knight in that dynamic is idiotic, and always comes back to bite you in the arse. I usually follow the "in one ear and out the other" policy on this. Treat it the same as anything else concerning ex-boyfriends - I just don't want to hear about it. If I were filtering purely for a stable LTR, then I would consider it a red flag. Although I would point out that I've had a couple of very good relationships where a woman started this stuff early, I didn't entertain it in the least. And she talked some trash about me after the break up in the same way that she tried to talk trash about her other ex's. C'est la vie.
bpb2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 She was preganant with her only child at 17, shes 24 now.. im 29. I don't think it would be morally right for anyone to give you advice that would encourage you to pursue a single mom in her mid 20's. She's already messed up why would you drag yourself into that? Think with your brain bro.
Author lost87 Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 I don't think it would be morally right for anyone to give you advice that would encourage you to pursue a single mom in her mid 20's. She's already messed up why would you drag yourself into that? Think with your brain bro. The fact she is single with a child at 24, is that why ur saying she's messed up as to me thats very common. Its the other stuff im more worried about
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I don't think her past partners were abusive, no they were in an abusive relationship with her. She's bat $%^& cray cray. She's a liar, plays the victim and enjoys causing friction to revel in the drama/conflict. She's one of those.....and your gut is telling you this. RUN FOREST RUN! 2
bpb2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 as to me thats very common. You are looking for girls in the wrong (worst) places if you think single 24-year old moms are common. Just to let you know the majority of 24 year old women (single or not) are not moms, let alone have such a sketchy past like your gf. I don't think her past partners were abusive, no they were in an abusive relationship with her. She's bat $%^& cray cray. She's a liar, plays the victim and enjoys causing friction to revel in the drama/conflict. She's one of those.....and your gut is telling you this. RUN FOREST RUN! Good point. If she was normal she'd just leave the abusive guys the moment they were abusive. Only the crazy ones stay.
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 You are looking for girls in the wrong (worst) places if you think single 24-year old moms are common. Just to let you know the majority of 24 year old women (single or not) are not moms, let alone have such a sketchy past like your gf. Good point. If she was normal she'd just leave the abusive guys the moment they were abusive. Only the crazy ones stay. No you are not getting it......she's the one that is the abuser, not her past partners.
soret Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 As an abuse survivor the comments in this thread make me really sad that people are constantly still victim blaming 2
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Whether she is the abuser or the abused, it would be best for you to move on from her. Without any sort of healing or reflection, or even professional help, she's not in the proper frame of mind to be in a relationship. When you get into a new relationship with someone that is harboring resentment and anger towards their past, especially mentioning abuse, you're going to learn really fast that it's an uphill battle. She's carrying heavy baggage and it's going to unload on you. You said you are not desperate to get into a relationship. This is a project. If you want an equally balanced loving and nurturing relationship with someone that is emotionally and mentally healthy -- then this is not it. Your other thread also notes a similar situation where you met a girl online. You seem to keep attracting these women that are struggling emotionally. Create a better filtering process. The moment you start to sense that there is emotional and mental turmoil, get out.
stillafool Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I'm also an abuse survivor but I don't blame my problems on my past abuse. I'm hearing too much of that lately. 2
Bastile Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I'm also an abuse survivor but I don't blame my problems on my past abuse. I'm hearing too much of that lately. I agree. I think most people have dealt with some abuse at some time or another. I'm wary of people who like to identify as victims. Or who seek to make that the motif of their life story.
soret Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I'm also an abuse survivor but I don't blame my problems on my past abuse. I'm hearing too much of that lately. That's because her self esteem is at rock bottom and she needs heavy therapy. I don't think it's fair to assume what she is going through as no one person is the same. Everyone heals differently.
todreaminblue Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 my feelings are this woman is not right for you......deb
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I have been in two relationships that I know of with women who have been physically and emotionally abused. Neither could keep the "normal" facade together long enough before they became unpredictable. Communication was a serious issue with both and they tended to be very defensive. If you disagreed, it became a grudge and with my personality, I simply do not apologize simply for the sake of apologizing and to appease. Unfortunately or fortunately, as soon as I hear that someone has been abused, assaulted, etc. I immediately go into defcon 4.
coolheadal Posted September 20, 2017 Posted September 20, 2017 The fact she is single with a child at 24, is that why ur saying she's messed up as to me thats very common. Its the other stuff im more worried about Well mate you have your hands full you got with a stranger who joined your workforce there at work. You didn't take the time to get to know her at first. There is so much going on today there are so many secrets with strangers past lives. She's pre-adult woman with some history of abuse from other men. Now you have to deal with it or not? Having a child at early age just means that she never experience life without having her youth taken away by having to bring up a child at that age. So she lacks those years. So in other words she became a mom instead of teenager. She is always going to be the way you see her. So either you cope, either you just love her or either you just get the hell away from her. That's your choice not ours here. We can't see you with her daily to see how she really is with you. Then we could say "YEAH OR NAH" 1
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