We were wildly into each other...now he just wants friendship

[milkthistle]

Hi guys! I've been stalking this community for awhile now as I have been dealing with a really unexpected breakup the past month and have found comfort in many stories on here. I feel like it's time for me to finally post what's been going on with me and I really would love some solid advice on what to do.

 

Also this is long. I'm sorry. I was an English major in college and I like describing things.

 

 

I met a guy through my co-worker a few months ago. After the three of us hung out a lot, he and I started to enjoy hanging out one on one. Probably after the third time we hung out one on one, we started going on daytime dates (bike rides, picnics in the park, bookstores...), would kiss for HOURS (we are physically VERY compatible), and would text all day every day. I often would go to his work and visit him on his break. He always seemed really enthusiastic about hanging out. I was worried about coming off as 'clingy' or 'too much', but he seemed so eager to see me and would encourage the two of us to hang out, so I just went with it.

 

After about a month I thought things were going great, they seemed great! We were making plans for the fall together and he even invited me over to his house one day to meet his parents, which in my head I thought, "well this is going REALLY fast....". I had a black eye at the time from a bicycle injury and told him that I wanted to wait until my eye healed to meet his family. He said that was fine and that we could meet them next week. Instead we spent the evening in the park and things seemed a little...off. He seemed sad, distant, and not his usual self. He wasn't as warm to my hugs or very eager to be intimate. I learned that night that he had depression and he admitted to me that he just hadn't been feeling well that day. I had a headache myself that day and wasn't feeling 100% - so I guess we were both just having an off day. He wanted to make sure that I knew that it wasn't about me and that he really liked me.

 

Then he called things off the next day, which completely threw me off. It felt so weird that one off day for us caused him to break things off. He said that he had too much to work on himself emotionally before he continued a relationship with anyone and that he loved spending time with me and pulled the usual "I really want us to still hang out and be friends" card. He also mentioned that us texting was too much for him sometimes and that he felt like things were going really fast (which I agreed with). He spent the next few days in bed and as someone who has dealt with depression before, I was mainly concerned with his well being over us. We would text and he would tell me how terrible he felt inside - he felt himself coming out of a manic state and that he felt that he needed to just be alone. He told me I was the sweetest girl (and that he felt terrible because I was so sweet to him and he hurt me) and he just needed some time to figure out if he liked us together. We only talked here and there, just kind of checking up on each other or making light conversation that only spawned a few texts. We never discussed 'us', and when we finally did, he just said that he got sad when he thought about us and really needed self care time, which I completely get.

 

Jump forward to a few nights ago and he shows up to my birthday party with my co-worker (I invited him to be nice but I wasn't expecting him to show up). It didn't help that all of my friends loved him, including my own sister. We talked and laughed a little bit. Honestly I was drunk and do not remember too much of the evening, except for talking to him before he left. Drunk me thought it was ok for us to talk about what was going on. I watched him fight tears as he told me he was sorry if he was unable to express his emotions to me and express that he cared about me. He said everything was cool with us and that I should try hard not to overthink things. He quietly said that he no longer had feelings for me but then he gave me a long and kind of intimate hug.

 

We have only been broken up for a month, so this is all fresh for both of us. I am just extremely confused. I don't understand how he could go from intensely being into me to just....nothing, and yet actually trying to follow through with the "friendship" thing by showing up to my birthday (also he talks about us making plans together in the future and says that we will see each other soon next time we hang out with my co-worker. He says that he only hangs out in groups and that I shouldn't take it personally. We still text every day too in a amicable way).

 

It should also be worth mentioning that I am literally the first girl he has ever dated and that he's also three years younger than me (I am 23, he is 20...I know don't judge). Never thought I'd fall for a younger guy, but I really REALLY enjoyed our time together and how he made me feel.

 

I am hurt. He obviously wants to be friends. He tells me it constantly and we are planning to go to a concert together in November. But what about my feelings? I want to be friends with this guy too, no matter how confused I am about why he chose to dump me, because he's a genuinely kind person and a fun person to be around. He's the kind of friend I have always wanted, and I am so angry at myself for letting our hearts run away together. I just don't want to always have this lingering hope that one day we will fall in love, because he's obviously not in a place to date.

 

How do I move on and enter a healthy friendship with this person? I've never done anything like this before. I usually cut ties with the men I date, but obviously our friendship means something to him and he wants to continue it.

 

Also if anyone has any insight as to why the heck all of this happened that would be great. I am baffled.

[Zahara]

How do I move on and enter a healthy friendship with this person?

 

You can't be friends with someone when you are emotional about them. The only way is to create distance and no contact, in hopes you detach emotionally and come to some level of indifference.

 

It's easy for him to be friends because he has no emotional tie to you. Therefore, he does not see why you both can't continue as usual. However, it doesn't work for you. Hence you self-preserve and do what's right for you. And that means cutting ties so that you stop torturing yourself.

[milkthistle]

You can't be friends with someone when you are emotional about them. The only way is to create distance and no contact, in hopes you detach emotionally and come to some level of indifference.

 

It's easy for him to be friends because he has no emotional tie to you. Therefore, he does not see why you both can't continue as usual. However, it doesn't work for you. Hence you self-preserve and do what's right for you. And that means cutting ties so that you stop torturing yourself.

 

 

 

Thank you for your advice. We haven't spoken in three days (I sent him a usual "how's it going" text but he ignored it), but he has liked an Instagram photo of mine in which I thanked everyone for coming to my bday. Last we talked was the day after my bday. I thanked him for coming and apologized for our drunk two AM chat. He said it was cool and that he's trying hard to be my friend but I keep bringing the past up (I rarely do, but I guess I have a lot for him...). Now he's cut me cold turkey for three days. He's never ignored me before, so I'm really shocked he has chosen to ignore a text message of mine. I'm trying super hard to play it cool. Tbh I'm ready to move on and just be friends eventually since we are in the same friend circle. Im scared I've ruined it all.

[SpecialJ]

You haven't ruined anything, as there was nothing you could do. He's struggling with depression, or possibly being bipolar (if he described his state while you were dating as manic prior to the depression setting in). His feelings while you were dating may or may not have been real, and they may or may not have gone away for now due to depression or because they were never that deep to begin with (sort of, easy come easy go). BUT what you DO know for sure is that he's emotionally unstable, and incapable of a relationship with you at this time and possibly ever.

 

You've really got two choices. Go no contact to get over him (but be cordial if you run into him in friend circles), and either you'll one day be ready to be just friends (or decide you don't even want that) or possibly he'll reach out because he's feeling better and thinking more clearly (slim chance). The other option is you recognize he can't ever be the partner you want and you make the decision to keep in touch and truly friend-zone each other with no other deep-down expectations or conversations about "us" (possibly after giving yourself a bit of space first).

 

You're very young, so when you're ready to move on, you'll have some time to meet a more committed guy if that's what you're looking for. Unfortunately, I'd like to just blame his young age and maturity level, but something very very similar just happened to me, and we're 32 and 34 :/

 

In my experience, a guy being that immediately into you and within a couple weeks or a month does a 180 means he is emotionally unstable, and it's not actually anything you did. If anything, it's just a red flag about them, but then it is up to you to move forward instead of obsessing or engaging... which can be difficult!

[Captivating]

This is my take on this, might not be correct:

 

 

He has depression, (or some form of depression) he is struggling to keep it together ... psychotropic meds can be

quite weird in action on a young adult (he is 20) if he is taking them.

His condition alters her mood, feelings, what he thinks ... medications have a boat load of side effects. Never good side effects, did you notice ?

 

I think he wanted you but he is aware of him not functioning well, he does not want to put you through all of this and he wants to save himself from embarrassment.

He enjoys your company and likes you ... yet he knows his brain does not work adequately.

He asked you not to overthink things and told you that he likes you ... he is aware of him being a mess and he needs to figure this out himself how to be comfortable.

I would give him space and I would not take this to the heart ... he is not feeling well.

[stillafool]

Maybe the guy is not Bipolar or depressed but has decided he just want you as a friend. He wasn't feeling enough of a romantic connection to take it further.

[milkthistle]

Maybe the guy is not Bipolar or depressed but has decided he just want you as a friend. He wasn't feeling enough of a romantic connection to take it further.

 

 

Considering we have quite a few mutual friends who have all now since told me about his depression and how it has affected his ability to do a lot of things including continuing college, I'm pretty sure that he's not lying.