Middle Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 My ex-gf broke up with me in February. Since then we've gone like three weeks without talking three times. Then she'll reach out to me, but mostly just sporadic "breadcrumbing" texts. I did see her a couple of times end of May. Other than texting me about random memories, I'll try to figure out what she wants, and eventually she'll say she wants to see me. But when I try to ask about dates, she'll ignore questions or get annoyed. I get frustrated. She'll get mad at me for being frustrated, and tell me things like, "Relax", "Calm down." Then she'll blame my frustration on her not setting plans with me. We did have very loose plans in early June as well as a couple weeks ago, both times she cancelled last minute (saying she was depressed or not feeling right). Both times I got pretty annoyed, and she turned that around on me... But the only reason I try to make plans in the first place is because she says she wants to see me! Anyway, because she cancelled two weeks ago and hasn't tried to reschedule since... For the umpteenth time I just told her that I don't expect her to make plans, that I don't want to keep dragging this on, and I'm saying goodbye. Of course, she again told me I need to relax/calm down, and that this is the reason she hasn't met up with me. I said I'm fine, that it's been going on since June, it's not a matter of lacking calmness after months of a situation, and told her again to take care. My question is... Why would she keep telling me she wants to or will see me, but then not actually offer up any availability and agree to plans? I've never been in a situation like this before. Like I think if someone truly wanted to see me, they'd be happy to talk about plans -- but then if not why does she keep telling me that she wants to get together? Anyone else been in a situation like this? PS - I've been dating other women. I'd like to see my ex and catch up, but just don't want to stupidly keep putting effort into making plans that never happen.
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Why would she keep telling me she wants to or will see me, but then not actually offer up any availability and agree to plans? She likes knowing that you are still hung up on her. The attention gives her a nice ego boost. She tugs on the leash, you come around. Lather, rinse and repeat.
Author Middle Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 She likes knowing that you are still hung up on her. The attention gives her a nice ego boost. She tugs on the leash, you come around. Lather, rinse and repeat. Just seems really weird to me. Like if she tells me that she wants to see me, I'll try to figure out plans, and I'll push the issue if she doesn't get back to me in a reasonable about of time (like a day). She seems annoyed and stressed by that, but I'm not going to let a simple conversation about plans go on for days or weeks (or I at least expect her to say something like, "I'll let you know this Thursday what my schedule next week is")... Anyway, if she stressed by me trying to iron things out, I don't know why she'd tell me she wants to see me in the first place... I personally wouldn't gain any kind of ego boost from something like this. And we're both in our 30s, so I'd hope people our age are over games like this, and just communicate clearly; ego boosts are fleeting. The other weird thing is when we were together, she'd often get mad at me if I took like an hour or more to get back to her. She'd tell me how all of her friends respond super quickly, etc.... Now she's telling me I need to "calm down" if she hasn't responded to a simple question in like 24 hours, and I'm like what the heck
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 (edited) I personally wouldn't gain any kind of ego boost from something like this. Don't project. Any emotionally stable person, who breaks up with another will let them go and allow the other to heal and move on with their life. The fact that she tugs at you like a dog on a leash is indicative that she is not emotionally stable nor is she kind. The other weird thing is when we were together, she'd often get mad at me if I took like an hour or more to get back to her. She'd tell me how all of her friends respond super quickly, etc.... Now she's telling me I need to "calm down" if she hasn't responded to a simple question in like 24 hours, and I'm like what the heck It's because she knows you are whipped. You put up with BS. It's pretty apparent to her that she has a hold on you. Find your self-respect and move on from her. Stop allowing this woman to jerk you around. She ended it with you. If she wants to be with you, it is her responsibility to win you back. It's not your responsibility to hang around on the sidelines hoping she'll validate you. It's unattractive. Edited September 19, 2017 by Zahara 1
Author Middle Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 Don't project. Any emotionally stable person, who breaks up with another will let them go and allow the other to heal and move on with their life. The fact that she tugs at you like a dog on a leash is indicative that she is not emotionally stable nor is she kind. It's because she knows you are whipped. You put up with BS. It's pretty apparent to her that she has a hold on you. Find your self-respect and move on from her. Stop allowing this woman to jerk you around. She ended it with you. If she wants to be with you, it is her responsibility to win you back. It's not your responsibility to hang around on the sidelines hoping she'll validate you. It's unattractive. Hence why I said goodbye... But I am dating other women, going to the gym a lot, involved in some activites; my life is moving forward -- this thing with my ex is mostly just annoying at this point. On the other hand, she's told me how awful this year has been, that she's depressed/stressed/etc. She does have a way of getting my concern and sympathy. I don't feel I need to see her. I'd like to if she wants to see me, but it's not a huge deal anymore. Honestly, a lot of the reason I've wanted to see her is bc been health/gym focused. I've lost some weight, looking better since last time I saw her - so I'd kinda like her to see me like that . I guess I'm just wondering now what to do with the inevitable "breadcrumb" texts I'm likely to see in the coming weeks. I've never been one to ignore anybody.
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 (edited) Hence why I said goodbye... But I am dating other women, going to the gym a lot, involved in some activites; my life is moving forward -- this thing with my ex is mostly just annoying at this point. On the other hand, she's told me how awful this year has been, that she's depressed/stressed/etc. She does have a way of getting my concern and sympathy. But you're still looking over your shoulder. She chose to end it with you. She doesn't get to do that yet still reap the benefits of your support. Especially when she is treating you callously. I don't feel I need to see her. I'd like to if she wants to see me, but it's not a huge deal anymore. Honestly, a lot of the reason I've wanted to see her is bc been health/gym focused. I've lost some weight, looking better since last time I saw her - so I'd kinda like her to see me like that . Self-development -- do it for yourself. Not because there is a part of you that still requires her validation. Again, she ended it with you. It is up to her to win you back. There is no need for you to feel the need to present a more attractive version of yourself in hopes you appeal to her. That means the focus is still on her. I guess I'm just wondering now what to do with the inevitable "breadcrumb" texts I'm likely to see in the coming weeks. I've never been one to ignore anybody. Again, find your self-respect and move on. You block her and you focus forward. You're not ignoring anyone. You're creating a boundary in that you are not allowing her to derail your efforts to move on. If you need to, text her that you will be implementing NC and that you would like her to respect your need to heal and move forward. You likely can't do that because deep down you still want her back. Edited September 19, 2017 by Zahara
Been Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Did you ever consider that she's dating too and weighing her options by keeping you on a line in case nothing she deems good enough comes along? I think you are being used as an option for her. When she wants to contact you your OK with that. When periods of time go by with no contact you STILL answer her when SHE chooses to contact you. Don't be that person who takes her back- if she truly wanted you back she would have told you so. She's fishing and she has you on the hook. 1
Captivating Posted September 20, 2017 Posted September 20, 2017 (edited) Hence why I said goodbye... But I am dating other women, going to the gym a lot, involved in some activites; my life is moving forward -- this thing with my ex is mostly just annoying at this point. On the other hand, she's told me how awful this year has been, that she's depressed/stressed/etc. She does have a way of getting my concern and sympathy. I don't feel I need to see her. I'd like to if she wants to see me, but it's not a huge deal anymore. Honestly, a lot of the reason I've wanted to see her is bc been health/gym focused. I've lost some weight, looking better since last time I saw her - so I'd kinda like her to see me like that . I guess I'm just wondering now what to do with the inevitable "breadcrumb" texts I'm likely to see in the coming weeks. I've never been one to ignore anybody. Perhaps she is a narcissist ...wanting attention, image is everything, they always play the victim so others feel sympathy for them, they flip the table when it's convenient blaming others - since they are never wrong they are not capable loving someone - their partner is their own self extension, master manipulators and breadcrumb galore .... Please look into this. (I'm not necessarily correct ... I do not know her) You jump whenever she says so ... after her dumping you ... your self-respect is not all there, which is understandable after a breakup, but still ... work on this, have standards and boundaries. After the breakup she had done nothing for you other than pushing you around because you let this happen. WHY ? I would go no contact with her, would not even let her reach out to me. If she really wanted to get you back she would have done something. Keep dating nice , caring girls ... keep going to the gym , work on the 6 pack it will put you into a better mood and she won't be able to annoy you anymore. She gets off on that, don't let her ! Narcissists love to be admired but if they can annoy someone it is just as great ... they have a low self-esteem, this is how they know that they "count" or "mean" anything ...she knows that you are still longing for her since you get annoyed still/ wanting to meet her etc. (Why ???) ...... NO MORE EGO BOOST FOR HER ! Give her the cold shoulder .... this will be new to her Edited September 20, 2017 by Captivating
dumbass2 Posted September 20, 2017 Posted September 20, 2017 You want to see her. She SAYS she wants to see you. She gets annoyed when you push the issue. Actions mean everything. She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want what you want. Words mean zero after a break up. 1
Author Middle Posted September 20, 2017 Author Posted September 20, 2017 Yeah, the whole thing is so annoying. Like if she said she didn't want to see me (for any reason), it wouldn't bother me all that much - I understand that it's the way it usually is with exes. On the other hand, I've been able to remain friends with exes when communication is honest about each other's intentions. So in my view, she gains nothing by not just being straight up with me, and I've tried to make that clear to her... But I guess I've just gotta accept that some people are so in need of attention, validation, etc, while having such a low self-esteem and fragile ego that they are incapable of not playing games... I don't think she's a true narcissist, but she definitely has some narcissistic traits, and the fact that I continue to show that I care probably does give her an ego boost that further brings out that stuff in her.
Redhead14 Posted September 20, 2017 Posted September 20, 2017 Why would she keep telling me she wants to or will see me, but then not actually offer up any availability and agree to plans? -- Because you're allowing it . . . The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Block/delete/ignore.
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