tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. In person things are great, he tells me he likes me often, is very affectionate, and seems SUPER into me, he even asked me to fly across the country for a wedding with him (I wasn't able to, but I thought it was super sweet that he asked) . However when I am not with him its hard to read him. His texts are short, when he does text, and he doesn't really carry a conversation. It's not like this has died out much over the time we have been seeing each other, the amount he texts has dwindled, but not by much, mainly because there wasn't much to begin with. Most days he will text me in the morning to have a good day, sometimes I get a mid day text, and occasionally I get a good night text. Other than that not much, this past weekend was complete radio silence, but yesterday I got a "Hi! Have a great day babe" in the morning, and he responded to my texts later in the evening. Today I have gotten nothing from him, but I've seen him online on facebook all morning. It's very confusing and I don't know what think of it. Like if he was phasing me out or no longer interested, would he have texted me yesterday morning still? Its so hard to gauge because from the get go there has been very little texting. My friends think he is just a bad texter and doesn't do it often. But after not hearing from him all day on Sunday and not hearing from him today I just don't know. I can't tell if he is phasing me out, or doing that typical guy thing and pulling away after the first monthish. We spent the night together friday after he met up with me at the casino and met and hung out with all my friends, super affectionate and playful all night (holding my hand under the table and kissed my forehead a few times, not sexual which makes me think it's not about that for him)and the next morning he gave plenty of indication of wanting to continue seeing me. But then the weekend of silence. Do I put in more effort and pursue him, or sit on my hands and wait for him to come back? Do you think this is typical guy behavior and I'm just being needy, or is he just not that into me? I usually leave the ball in his court, I let him text me first a lot, and out side of recently I have let him initiate most dates. Last week both times that I saw him I invited him out. I wanted to see him before he leaves town on Thursday for the weekend, but I don't want to have to ask when I initiated our last two dates. I'm also starting to get a little anxious that I haven't heard from him today, combined with no contact on sunday. HELP!
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Do you both ever speak on the phone? I have no idea how people carry on solely on texting. 2
kendahke Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 It sounds more like you need to fill up your time, date other guys and stop obsessing about this one guy. He may just be one of those who isn't good at texting or he'd rather save what he needs to say for in person conversations so that you'll have something to talk about. Or You're more invested in this involvement than he is at this point. Might be a good idea to just step back and turn your focus on other guys if he's not giving you the attention you feel you deserve.
Author tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 No, We have only every called eachother when we are on our way to meet or coordinating to get together. He doesn't seem to be a big phone talker.
Author tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 It sounds more like you need to fill up your time, date other guys and stop obsessing about this one guy. He may just be one of those who isn't good at texting or he'd rather save what he needs to say for in person conversations so that you'll have something to talk about. Or You're more invested in this involvement than he is at this point. Might be a good idea to just step back and turn your focus on other guys if he's not giving you the attention you feel you deserve. Normally this is what I would do, however we did establish somewhat exclusivity the first time we slept together, so I would feel wrong to date others.
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 You are just dating right? If you are not exclusive, then he isn't going to put in a whole lot of effort, and it's possible he has other things he wants to do outside of seeing you. I would say he is a bad texter. I suggest you try picking up the phone and CALL him. He might be more perceptive to that. If he doesn't answer, you are best be looking for someone else, because you'd be just an option. It's also possible he is dating other for all you know. It's a month and a half. To me that's plenty of time to know if they are BF material or not, judging by how they treat me the way I want to be treated. If you are not being treated the way you expect to, ie: communication, texting, actual interest in you when you are not together, initiating contact and dates, then you are wasting your time. Just because he's so cherry with you when you are together isn't grounds for a relationship. I would like to point out, it goes beyond that.
Zahara Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 No, We have only every called eachother when we are on our way to meet or coordinating to get together. He doesn't seem to be a big phone talker. So, he's not a texter and he doesn't like talking over the phone. He only seems involved when you're face to face. Personally it sounds like he has no interest in maintaining and building a connection other than enjoying fun times when you get together. 2
kendahke Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Normally this is what I would do, however we did establish somewhat exclusivity the first time we slept together, so I would feel wrong to date others. Then it's time to have a talk about how you both communicate and come to a consensus on what will work for both of you. If you can have sex with him, you can have this talk with him. If he runs, then he needs to go. If exclusivity is what's hanging you up, then understand it's not hanging him up on protocol. When it's convenient for him to get in touch, he will. If that is something you can't deal with, then you need to own your own voice and speak up for yourself. 1
Author tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 You are just dating right? If you are not exclusive, then he isn't going to put in a whole lot of effort, and it's possible he has other things he wants to do outside of seeing you. I would say he is a bad texter. I suggest you try picking up the phone and CALL him. He might be more perceptive to that. If he doesn't answer, you are best be looking for someone else, because you'd be just an option. It's also possible he is dating other for all you know. It's a month and a half. To me that's plenty of time to know if they are BF material or not, judging by how they treat me the way I want to be treated. If you are not being treated the way you expect to, ie: communication, texting, actual interest in you when you are not together, initiating contact and dates, then you are wasting your time. Just because he's so cherry with you when you are together isn't grounds for a relationship. I would like to point out, it goes beyond that. Do I try and fix this, or just cut my losses? I am unsure how to bring this up with him without sounding whiney and going "You don't text or call me enough!". Nobody wants to be the clingy girl. Especially not after he has told me how much he likes that I "actually have a life".
kendahke Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Do I try and fix this, or just cut my losses? I am unsure how to bring this up with him without sounding whiney and going "You don't text or call me enough!". Nobody wants to be the clingy girl. Especially not after he has told me how much he likes that I "actually have a life". It's not clingy to say "hey, even though I do have a life, I enjoy hearing from you during the week and would really like to hear from you more often". 1
Author tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 He leaves on thursday, for the wedding that I was unable to attend. I would like to see him before he goes but his lack of communication and me having initiated our last two dates makes me hesitant to reach out. It's almost noon and I haven't heard from him today, which is not a big deal because I don't expect you to text me every second of every day, and demanding a "good morning" or whatever text every day seems unreasonable. But I also know I am busy tomorrow night and tonight is the only opportunity for me to see him. Do I just ask to see him tonight, or do I wait for him to ask to see me and bring it up then?
kendahke Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 It's not clingy to say "hey, even though I do have a life, I enjoy hearing from you during the week and would really like to hear from you more often". to add to this: Who said it's whiny to speak up for what you need? You're going to get one of three outcomes: 1. he agrees and follows through... 2. he agrees and doesn't follow through... 3. he doesn't agree and doesn't follow through... You make your next decision about him based upon which of these falls out in experience. Being exclusive only means that you're supposedly not having sex with others. It doesn't mean that he's going to automatically divine what you need out of a relationship with him unless you own your voice and speak up for it because you can be alone in your exclusivity with him while he goes and lives his life and not contacts you until he feels like it.
kendahke Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 He leaves on thursday, for the wedding that I was unable to attend. I would like to see him before he goes but his lack of communication and me having initiated our last two dates makes me hesitant to reach out. It's almost noon and I haven't heard from him today, which is not a big deal because I don't expect you to text me every second of every day, and demanding a "good morning" or whatever text every day seems unreasonable. But I also know I am busy tomorrow night and tonight is the only opportunity for me to see him. Do I just ask to see him tonight, or do I wait for him to ask to see me and bring it up then? If you want to see him tonight, you need to drop a dime already. He'll either say "yes" or "no".
Mike B. Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 (edited) Do I try and fix this, or just cut my losses? I am unsure how to bring this up with him without sounding whiney and going "You don't text or call me enough!". Nobody wants to be the clingy girl. Especially not after he has told me how much he likes that I "actually have a life". It could be related to the fact that some people are just poor communicators in this age of advanced technology with texting. If you want to talk to him more, I would just call him sometimes to see if that provides a bit of a spark. I am currently dating someone who almost only send emojis when I text her between dates. I would wish her a great day and everything and she will just send some heart-filled emojis. That's it yet when we are together, she is all over me and constantly kissing my face. I place more stock on that than the texting. I also had a brief dating experience recently where the woman flat out told me that she would enjoy getting more communication from me. I appreciated her letting me know this and I put more effort into contacting her. Sometime guys don't want to seem too eager and may not want to overdue it with the communication. If this really bothers you as it clearly does, I would just tell him the next time you two are together that you really enjoy his company and the time you two spend together but you feel that there is a disconnect when you are not together and see how he responds. Edited September 19, 2017 by Mike B.
coolheadal Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 He leaves on thursday, for the wedding that I was unable to attend. I would like to see him before he goes but his lack of communication and me having initiated our last two dates makes me hesitant to reach out. It's almost noon and I haven't heard from him today, which is not a big deal because I don't expect you to text me every second of every day, and demanding a "good morning" or whatever text every day seems unreasonable. But I also know I am busy tomorrow night and tonight is the only opportunity for me to see him. Do I just ask to see him tonight, or do I wait for him to ask to see me and bring it up then? How far do you live from him? More than 50 miles More than 100 miles More than 500 miles More than 1000 miles You might as well call this LDR = long distance relationship, you can't get him to text you so much you depend on hearing from him daily you can't stand not to hear from him. Short greetings are short for a reason. Have you been to where he lives? Have you spend a time at his place? Do you know if he's completely single? How did you two meet in the first place? Did you meet online dating app/site, facebook, snapchat, in person, at work, etc.. If he not texting you 100% then there might be someone else in the picture. Did you to a background check on him to see if he was ever married or still married. Never overlook this. Criminal background check also, credit worthiness too.. If you are very serious about him you need to know he's 100% single not with someone. This is something you can't ask him because he might as well lie to you. If I was you don't contact him go on with you life, or and see what move he makes. Your putting to much energy into this with him and what are you getting out of it? The wedding you couldn't attend on well but he's still going without you.
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Fix this? If it were me? no. I go by first impressions. Like I said if they don't treat me the way I like to be treated, then they are not for me. It would be different the relationship was over a year and things were changing, then it would be time to speak up about it. When a relationship is new, you should be excited to see each other, and want to be in contact daily to keep the romance going....and truly enjoy each other's communication when apart. This isn't happening here. He doesn't fulfill a very important expectation.
Author tomoyo Posted September 19, 2017 Author Posted September 19, 2017 I am completely certain he is single, I have been to his house multiple times, have him as a friend on Facebook, and have met the bulk of his friends. Plus I think bringing me as a date to a wedding would be very strange if he was with someone else. I finally gave up after not hearing from him by 1pm. I texted him casually to see how his day is and if he wanted to get together. He has volleyball tonight, but invited me to come over after, so I'm going to. I think I'm just going to put on my big girl pants and ask him what he views us as, express that I am looking for a relationship not casual dating, and that I have been getting mixed messages lately and feel that his lack of communication is causing that. After a month of dating, I feel that it is reasonable to ask for the relationship to be defined and to voice things that are concerning me, correct? ....I just have no idea how I'm going to voice all of these things, seeing as I have never had to do it before and I am terrified I am just going to come off as clingy and needy. But he is 29 years old, I'm fairly certain he has experienced "the talk" before. Though if anyone had a generic script that would be great ;P
Mike B. Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I am completely certain he is single, I have been to his house multiple times, have him as a friend on Facebook, and have met the bulk of his friends. Plus I think bringing me as a date to a wedding would be very strange if he was with someone else. I finally gave up after not hearing from him by 1pm. I texted him casually to see how his day is and if he wanted to get together. He has volleyball tonight, but invited me to come over after, so I'm going to. I think I'm just going to put on my big girl pants and ask him what he views us as, express that I am looking for a relationship not casual dating, and that I have been getting mixed messages lately and feel that his lack of communication is causing that. After a month of dating, I feel that it is reasonable to ask for the relationship to be defined and to voice things that are concerning me, correct? ....I just have no idea how I'm going to voice all of these things, seeing as I have never had to do it before and I am terrified I am just going to come off as clingy and needy. But he is 29 years old, I'm fairly certain he has experienced "the talk" before. Though if anyone had a generic script that would be great ;P I think that is fine. I agree with you. The only exception is that I would avoid any sort of finger pointing. Keep the conversation non-confrontational and pleasant. In the end, you want him to be your boyfriend.
bpb2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 My friends think he is just a bad texter They're probably right. He is into you. This guy is smart, maybe he doesn't even know it. Good luck!
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