Beginning stages - like him but anxious

[findingme123]

Hi LS,

 

Hoping to get some insight. I have been OLD for a few years. Ended a year long relationship at the beginning of summer, which was turning into a toxic relationship. I'm over it and him. I wanted to get back on the horse and turned to dating apps. I met this seemingly great guy. We're both in our early 30's and looking for something serious. He told me he ended a LTR in the beginning of the year. Loved her but they had difference they couldn't work out. OK, I take him on his word. I'm only the 2nd lady he's met off the app. Usually, I steer clear of 2 type of guys 1) those fresh out of a relationship (wounds still open) 2) guys new to the OLD scene (too many options). This is in order to protect my heart, because I've been burned by both of those kind of guys.

 

We went on 2 dates and I wasn't overly attracted to him in the beginning. He seemed well-intentioned and was enthusiastic about meeting me both times. He initiated both times and mentioned some events later in the year he'd like to check out with me. Because there wasn't an instant spark, but rather a slow build up, both times I came away wondering if we were a romantic match. Also, we hadn't kissed yet. I decide to give it another try, and tell myself I will kiss him if it feels right to gauge his interest.

 

3rd date we spend at his place and he finally ends up kissing and we fool around. No sex, because I mention my standards and let him know we both need to get tested. He agrees and it doesn't damper the mood whatsoever. We spend the next 2 hours in bed just being lovey dovey. It was so cute I want to throw up. At this point he's won me over. I leave because it's getting late and we agree it was fun.

 

After all is said and done, I'm a bit anxious because I'm starting to really like this guy. He texted me once yesterday but didn't mention the previous date or future plans, just a random text. At the very least he thought of me, but any time I've gotten to this point with men they tend to slowly drift off. I'm planning to tell him I'd like to see him again, although I would prefer he initiate but I'm not worried to make the move. I just don't want to fall into this trap of anxiousness and protect my heart from investing too much. I'm awfully tired of OLD, so if this doesn't work out, I'm not sure I want to start over again any time soon. It's really hard for me to connect with others on this level, so I'm hoping this one has potential.

Edited September 19, 2017 by findingme123

[Dis]

Hi LS,

 

Hoping to get some insight. I have been OLD for a few years. Ended a year long relationship at the beginning of summer, which was turning into a toxic relationship. I'm over it and him. I wanted to get back on the horse and turned to dating apps. I met this seemingly great guy. We're both in our early 30's and looking for something serious. He told me he ended a LTR in the beginning of the year. Loved her but they had difference they couldn't work out. OK, I take him on his word. I'm only the 2nd lady he's met off the app. Usually, I steer clear of 2 type of guys 1) those fresh out of a relationship (wounds still open) 2) guys new to the OLD scene (too many options). This is in order to protect my heart, because I've been burned by both of those kind of guys.

 

We went on 2 dates and I wasn't overly attracted to him in the beginning. He seemed well-intentioned and was enthusiastic about meeting me both times. He initiated both times and mentioned some events later in the year he'd like to check out with me. Because there wasn't an instant spark, but rather a slow build up, both times I came away wondering if we were a romantic match. Also, we hadn't kissed yet. I decide to give it another try, and tell myself I will kiss him if it feels right to gauge his interest.

 

3rd date we spend at his place and he finally ends up kissing and we fool around. No sex, because I mention my standards and let him know we both need to get tested. He agrees and it doesn't damper the mood whatsoever. We spend the next 2 hours in bed just being lovey dovey. It was so cute I want to throw up. At this point he's won me over. I leave because it's getting late and we agree it was fun.

 

After all is said and done, I'm a bit anxious because I'm starting to really like this guy. He texted me once yesterday but didn't mention the previous date or future plans, just a random text. At the very least he thought of me, but any time I've gotten to this point with men they tend to slowly drift off. I'm planning to tell him I'd like to see him again, although I would prefer he initiate but I'm not worried to make the move. I just don't want to fall into this trap of anxiousness and protect my heart from investing too much. I'm awfully tired of OLD, so if this doesn't work out, I'm not sure I want to start over again any time soon. It's really hard for me to connect with others on this level, so I'm hoping this one has potential.

 

Some time ago, pretty recently, I couldve written this. 31 year old female here.

 

You're first point about him being fresh out of a relationship but then stating his last LTR ended in the beginning of the year. If thats the case then he's not fresh out of it. But of course it all depends on how long the relationship was, how quickly he processed it, if he really has moved on. For what it's worth, when I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years, I was over it quickly. Its different for everyone

 

He's new to OLD. This could go one of 2 ways. He could have the 'grass is always greener syndrome' or he could be like many of us, who, if we found a great person, we'd be happy to call it a day. So dont jump to conclusions on that one.

 

I'm an anxious dater too. Granted I've gotten better with it as time has passed. I will tell you something, if you continually obsess over what ifs, and worry if he's not as interested as you are, if he's going to schedule the next date or not.... this will turn into a self fulfilling prophecy and will end in disappointment. Worrying will not soften the landing later... if there is one. Trust me.

 

All you can do is try to relax and know that even if he isnt the right guy for you, he's out there. This is all part of the journey and as f**ked up as dating is, we need to try to enjoy it! There are likable aspects of dating, the excitement, the not knowing. People who have been married for 20 years crave that stuff!

 

Breathe and have fun

[Gaeta]

What got my attention.

 

* Don't judge him because he's a newbie online. I used to think like you and steered clear of new members till I came across my bf. He was my 200th man met online, I was his first and only, we've been dating 2 years. I was proven wrong.

 

* Your guy initiated the 2 first dates it's now your turn to reciprocate. Tomorrow is Wednesday so ask him if he's got free time over the weekend and invite him out on a date, your treat.

[joseb]

Why would being new online be a bad thing? I would view it as a big plus.

[Gaeta]

Why would being new online be a bad thing? I would view it as a big plus.

 

Simple. When a man gets online for the very first time he's pretty overwhelmed with the choice and he won't settle for the very first woman he meets. He'll want to know what else is out there and what if he can find better.

 

On the other hand when you meet someone that's been online for 2-3 years you know they went around the block, they got through all their phases of dating crazies and hotties and now they want to settle.

[findingme123]

Some time ago, pretty recently, I couldve written this. 31 year old female here.

 

You're first point about him being fresh out of a relationship but then stating his last LTR ended in the beginning of the year. If thats the case then he's not fresh out of it. But of course it all depends on how long the relationship was, how quickly he processed it, if he really has moved on. For what it's worth, when I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years, I was over it quickly. Its different for everyone

 

He's new to OLD. This could go one of 2 ways. He could have the 'grass is always greener syndrome' or he could be like many of us, who, if we found a great person, we'd be happy to call it a day. So dont jump to conclusions on that one.

 

I'm an anxious dater too. Granted I've gotten better with it as time has passed. I will tell you something, if you continually obsess over what ifs, and worry if he's not as interested as you are, if he's going to schedule the next date or not.... this will turn into a self fulfilling prophecy and will end in disappointment. Worrying will not soften the landing later... if there is one. Trust me.

 

All you can do is try to relax and know that even if he isnt the right guy for you, he's out there. This is all part of the journey and as f**ked up as dating is, we need to try to enjoy it! There are likable aspects of dating, the excitement, the not knowing. People who have been married for 20 years crave that stuff!

 

Breathe and have fun

 

This may seem like a silly question, but how would I go about asking him if he's truly over his last relationship? We got onto the topic on the second date but I could tell he didn't seem to want to relive the details so I backed off of the subject.

[findingme123]

What got my attention.

 

* Don't judge him because he's a newbie online. I used to think like you and steered clear of new members till I came across my bf. He was my 200th man met online, I was his first and only, we've been dating 2 years. I was proven wrong.

 

* Your guy initiated the 2 first dates it's now your turn to reciprocate. Tomorrow is Wednesday so ask him if he's got free time over the weekend and invite him out on a date, your treat.

 

I would love to be proven wrong. He does live an hour away and he payed both times like a gentleman so the next is definitely my treat.

[findingme123]

Simple. When a man gets online for the very first time he's pretty overwhelmed with the choice and he won't settle for the very first woman he meets. He'll want to know what else is out there and what if he can find better.

 

On the other hand when you meet someone that's been online for 2-3 years you know they went around the block, they got through all their phases of dating crazies and hotties and now they want to settle.

 

Yes, newbies tend to get ahead of themselves. Not all but at least the ones I've met have been very enthusiastic about getting out there and meeting new people and are open to whatever happens. More often than not this means they aren't looking for anything serious, even if they really like you.

[Gaeta]

This may seem like a silly question, but how would I go about asking him if he's truly over his last relationship? We got onto the topic on the second date but I could tell he didn't seem to want to relive the details so I backed off of the subject.

 

I know the question was meant for Dis but if I may I will offer my opinion.

 

I don't think I would ask for *details* I would ask more general questions like is your divorce finanlized? are you getting along well with your ex? (do they have kids?). With these general questions you'll see if he's positive or if he's bitter. Anything bitter coming out of him indicates he's not over it. If he starts putting her down it's not a good sign.

 

I don't know how many times I asked a man if he was over his divorce and he replied yes, all the while he was lying to himself. After a while I decided I would observe and decide for myself if he was over or not.

[Dis]

Why would being new online be a bad thing? I would view it as a big plus.

 

What is your reasoning for that joseb?

 

Just curious

[Dis]

Simple. When a man gets online for the very first time he's pretty overwhelmed with the choice and he won't settle for the very first woman he meets. He'll want to know what else is out there and what if he can find better.

 

On the other hand when you meet someone that's been online for 2-3 years you know they went around the block, they got through all their phases of dating crazies and hotties and now they want to settle.

 

I dont think all guys are like this

 

You mentioned your bf was new to OLD when he met you, and that worked out

[Dis]

This may seem like a silly question, but how would I go about asking him if he's truly over his last relationship? We got onto the topic on the second date but I could tell he didn't seem to want to relive the details so I backed off of the subject.

 

I know the question was meant for Dis but if I may I will offer my opinion.

 

I don't think I would ask for *details* I would ask more general questions like is your divorce finanlized? are you getting along well with your ex? (do they have kids?). With these general questions you'll see if he's positive or if he's bitter. Anything bitter coming out of him indicates he's not over it. If he starts putting her down it's not a good sign.

 

I don't know how many times I asked a man if he was over his divorce and he replied yes, all the while he was lying to himself. After a while I decided I would observe and decide for myself if he was over or not.

 

Ya, I agree with G

 

Talking about exs too much during the early stages isnt good, plus it would be weird to pry about that type of thing

 

I think you can ask general questions if you're already on the topic (which you shouldnt be too often) and kind of gauge what he says (and what he doesnt)

 

But other than that, there are no guarantees in dating and because you're an anxious dater, I think thats what you're looking for (totally understand btw )

 

I think you need to reel yourself back in a bit. Its only been 3 dates. At this point, you should still just be evaluting each other and getting to know one another. These worries about if he's over his ex or not and why he hasnt scheduled the next date... its too much. If you date with an anxious mindset, you're going to get worn thin really quickly

 

Think of all your past breakups. They hurt but you survived and you're back in the game, right?

 

I dont know how you feel about this suggestion but maybe try to date someone else while you date this guy. I dont mean date another guy to have a back up or a distraction... but to put things into perspective for yourself. That would ease the anxiety. I'm dating someone now and I'm going on another date with a new guy this weekend. Its just about being realistic and taking things in stride. Multidating isnt for everyone but its just a thought

 

And yes, I agree with G. You text him and plan a date, your treat

 

Time to think outside the anxious box, girl

[joseb]

What is your reasoning for that joseb?

 

Just curious

 

They seem less jaded. Profiles not full of all.the things they hate in guys.

[act00]

You're about 3-4 months out of a LTR and he's about 9 months out of a LTR. You're ready to move on. He could be too. Either way, you're both the first, which always screams rebound. There's no way to know if this will work or not, but I'd say to just relax for now. This topic is going to come up at some point, but I think on #3, unless it just kind of pops up naturally, I'd give it a little more time, just see where things are going. You may pick up on clues he's not over her yet or not...depending on the relationship, he could have been over her before the actual break up occurred.

 

Definitely reach out and see about getting together on the weekend or whenever you guys have time. I think at this point, you really should be extending some initiation and interest. If he's already drifting off, then it really doesn't matter other than you tried.

 

I would still want him to initiate at this point as well, as I've had this happen, when they seem to get cold feet at this stage. You don't want to push them over the edge, while they fear you want too much too soon and you're already planning the wedding. But, at this point, why bother with a cat and mouse game and just spill it? It's either going to work or it isn't. It's a tightrope sometimes. He sounds great, so do what you think you need to do to keep him around a little longer and enjoy your time. At the very least, text or call and ask how his week is going.

[Miss Spider]

Some of us have intuition that hits very close to the mark, and if you are one of those people, don't discount your intuition just because you want something to work.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[findingme123]

Thanks for all the different perspectives. I put the brakes on my anxiousness and just left my phone alone for a while. He texted me the other day and talked about some added responsibilities that were now taking up most of his evening. It will be this way for the foreseeable future so it's safe to say I should temper my expectations. He mentioned he was free this weekend. I took the opportunity to suggest a date out and that I'd pay, so we're set to spend some time together. We even came up with some silly rules to keep us from getting too physical, at least until the test results come back. Maybe I'll consider multi-dating if he is truly busy. It's really hard to keep the momentum going when someone doesn't have a lot of time to spare. I've dated multiple people before in the beginning stages, and it does help to give me a different kind of perspective so I don't fall into the tunnel vision with the current person I'm dating.