My boyfriend's ex won't move out and it's destroying our relationship.

[Crazylife555]

Me and my bf( 22 and 25) have been together about 8 months and I love him more than anything. He treats me like a queen and he's truly an amazing guy. Everything is great except for one thing ,his ex is a freeloader.

 

So this is the backstory: About a year ago his on again off again ex became homeless and he and his parents let her move in and even helped her get a car. He claims they are never getting back together and they are both happy in their new relationships.

 

Now I've met her many times and he doesn't act shady about me being at him house. She works but doesn't pay any rent and he won't give her a deadline to be out and gets upset if I try to suggest one. I'm not sure why he can't distance himself from her but it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Although he says I'm the one I sometimes wonder if he's only with me because she's in a relationship herself. He talks about her alot and even told me if they are both single in 10 years he would marry her(one of those stupid promises but seeing how much he cares for her it might be true). This has made me afraid to introduce him to my family because I'm embarrassed to tell them I'm in this situation.

 

Recently I've been starting fights with him and lying about the reason I'm upset because I don't want to drive him back to her by being the insecure GF. I do love him and he loves me but when should I say enough is enough and leave because he told me she would only be there a couple months and it's going on a year soon

 

TL;DR : bf let ex move in and they are close. Won't set deadline for her to leave and im afraid to bring it up. What do I do?

[PegNosePete]

I don't want to drive him back to her by being the insecure GF.

You need to stop living in fear. He is not a timid kitten that will be driven away by you doing the "wrong" thing. You need to stand up for yourself and your rights and your moral values. If he dumps you because of that, then it's his loss and his problem, and you dodged a bullet in the long term!

 

Simply say: "I am not happy to continue a relationship with you while your ex is living in your house".

 

And see what he does.

[basil67]

Ok, re your Tl;dr, you're not too afraid to bring it up. It sounds to me like you've been bringing it up frequently.

 

My advice is to learn to recognise when you're losing the battle. He's made it very clear that he's not going to throw her out - so you now have to work out whether or not you want to continue.

[act00]

You say he and his parents let her move in. So is the boyfriend still living at home? I would think that whether or not this girlfriend gets the boot from the household, this is entirely up to his parents, not him. He can move out, but he can't make his parents kick her out.

 

He can't distance himself from her because he lives with her.

 

It was completely unnecessary to tell you about this 10-year pact and only creates insecurity while she's living under his roof...lots of people have made this pact. There are movies and TV shows about it...not that it ever becomes real, but it remains real in this living situation.

 

There will be some serious issues to work around if the parents keep this ex in their life...issues both you and he will have to deal with, and maybe ultimatums will have to be made, or maybe it's a matter of keeping your enemies closer with aging parents...I have no idea what the circumstances are, but neither of you get to pick who the parents have as friends or house.

 

He is a grownup. He can move out. If this is his place, then he needs to either move her out, or create a level of trust in you that you can accept this status quo...and you are free to leave it behind if it's not working for you. I probably would. Ultimatums don't always work. It can create resentment. Handle with care.

[Crazylife555]

Ok, re your Tl;dr, you're not too afraid to bring it up. It sounds to me like you've been bringing it up frequently.

 

My advice is to learn to recognise when you're losing the battle. He's made it very clear that he's not going to throw her out - so you now have to work out whether or not you want to continue.

 

I don't want him to throw her out like the trash but having your ex(they have been on and off for 5 years, last time being October) as your roommate is ****ing weird. Especially since they never had any distance since the last break up. He's had maybe 4 other gfs but always goes back to her after every relationship.

[stillafool]

Are you guys living with his parents?

[Crazylife555]

I don't live with him.

[stillafool]

So they live together at your boyfriend's apartment and you aren't there?

[Crazylife555]

So they live together at your boyfriend's apartment and you aren't there?

 

They live with his parents. Hes downstairs and shes in one of their guest rooms. But no I would never move in with a boy and his parents. I unlike the ex can take care of myself

[Popsicle]

The mistake you made was getting involved with him. You will never win this battle, just walk away and find someone else.

[stillafool]

I agree. She is already practically their daughter in law. He gets to see her day and night. I would break up if I were you. I thought you lived with him too.

[Blanco]

They live with his parents. Hes downstairs and shes in one of their guest rooms. But no I would never move in with a boy and his parents. I unlike the ex can take care of myself

 

I think you meant, "I, unlike the ex and my boyfriend, can take care of myself."

[Popsicle]

I thought you lived with him too.

 

I suspect she lives with her parents.

[Crazylife555]

I suspect she lives with her parents.

 

Just my sister

[Gaeta]

I don't want him to throw her out like the trash but having your ex(they have been on and off for 5 years, last time being October) as your roommate is ****ing weird. Especially since they never had any distance since the last break up. He's had maybe 4 other gfs but always goes back to her after every relationship.

 

They have a long history of being on and off. Right now he is on an *off* moment and eventually they will be *on* again. You're the gf in between their on and off.

 

It's one thing to be helping an ex and it's an other giving her free shelter for months while she's working and capable of supporting herself. His parents are probably doing this because they know they always go back to each other eventually.

 

Your boyfriend heard you, he knows you are uncomfortable about it but so far you did not apply any consequences to him so why would he change anything? So on one hand he has an ex he doesn't want to disappoint and he's got you whom he disappoint with no hesitation. Where do you think his loyalty stands?

[Blanco]

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If this guy has gone back to this ex after his last four girlfriends, then guess what? That "5" in your user name might just be a premonition.

[Redhead14]

Me and my bf( 22 and 25) have been together about 8 months and I love him more than anything. He treats me like a queen and he's truly an amazing guy. Everything is great except for one thing ,his ex is a freeloader.

 

So this is the backstory: About a year ago his on again off again ex became homeless and he and his parents let her move in and even helped her get a car. He claims they are never getting back together and they are both happy in their new relationships.

 

Now I've met her many times and he doesn't act shady about me being at him house. She works but doesn't pay any rent and he won't give her a deadline to be out and gets upset if I try to suggest one. I'm not sure why he can't distance himself from her but it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Although he says I'm the one I sometimes wonder if he's only with me because she's in a relationship herself. He talks about her alot and even told me if they are both single in 10 years he would marry her(one of those stupid promises but seeing how much he cares for her it might be true). This has made me afraid to introduce him to my family because I'm embarrassed to tell them I'm in this situation.

 

Recently I've been starting fights with him and lying about the reason I'm upset because I don't want to drive him back to her by being the insecure GF. I do love him and he loves me but when should I say enough is enough and leave because he told me she would only be there a couple months and it's going on a year soon

 

TL;DR : bf let ex move in and they are close. Won't set deadline for her to leave and im afraid to bring it up. What do I do?

 

It's his parent's home. They told her she could live there. They are the ones in control of this situation. He cannot tell them or her what to do.

 

He can, however, move out himself. At 25, why is he still living at home? That's what would cause me a bigger issue. If his parents don't mind running a boarding house, that's there problem.

 

Recently I've been starting fights with him and lying about the reason I'm upset because I don't want to drive him back to her by being the insecure GF. - Boy, this is a bad thing to do in any relationship. You can and should tell him in a non-confrontational/respectful way what your boundaries are. Then you can observe whether he makes an effort to accommodate your concerns at least. If he doesn't, YOU end the relationship PERIOD. Yelling and fighting with him under "false" pretenses creates confusion and doesn't allow for addressing the real issue. There isn't anything wrong with letting someone know what's bothering you if you do it respectfully and honestly. If saying it seems to have caused him to be driven back to her, it just means that you are correct about your concerns and it was likely to happen anyway and it's best to know this sooner than later. It will be what it will be.

 

If you continue to make waves, you may find that the parents will throw him out. If you two want to be out from under all this, get your own place or start standing on your own two feet and do what's necessary to put yourself in that position.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, I think your first mistake was getting involved with this guy... He's still very much attached to his ex. Sorry.

[kendahke]

They live with his parents.

 

Then his parents have the say-so about who is living under their roof. If they're cool with it, she's not going anywhere.

 

(still on page 1 of the thread, so don't know if this has been answered yet)

 

How do they treat you?

 

And he won't move out why?

 

Can you accept this arrangement and be happy and content with your boyfriend?

[Redhead14]

OP, you need to let go of the notion that you can or even should try to control your boyfriend, his parents or his EX. What you do have control over is YOU. If this situation is unacceptable to you and your boyfriend isn't making any effort to resolve it to your satisfaction, you end the relationship. You don't fight with or nag anyone about something over and over again.

 

Your only viable option in terms of having any control over this, is for you to end the relationship and find a boyfriend who is fully self-sufficient, focused on his future as an independent, secure person who wants and can provide, most, at least, of all those things that make for a successful relationship scenario.

 

You are stringing yourself along.

[Kamille]

I feel many of the responses are likely to make you feel even more anxious about the situation than you already do.

 

The first step if for you to tell him clearly that this bothers you and ask for what you need. It sounds like what you need is for either him or her to move out.

 

See how he responds and go from there.

[Blanco]

Yes, it seems like the OP is the only one involved who is not OK with the current arrangement, and if I were her, I'd take *that* as a major red flag regarding these folks.

[kendahke]

Recently I've been starting fights with him and lying about the reason I'm upset because I don't want to drive him back to her by being the insecure GF.

 

Stop starting fights and stop lying. It's time for you to pull up your big girl pants and be authentic, because you do have a point here. You're selling yourself out when you do this. Selling yourself out for a guy who will let you do it, btw.

 

Sometimes, love ain't enough. Big deal if you love him and he loves you--he doesn't love you or any girlfriend enough to put distance between him and his ex, that's why he's working on ex-gf #5 with you.

 

The truth is, you do want her out. I know of no sane, mentally/emotionally healthy person who wants their mate's ex living under the same roof as them.

 

You have been talking to him and he's been giving you push-back. It's clear you can talk yourself blue in the face and nothing is going to change.

 

If he's got some 10 year plan where if he's single, he'll marry her, then you know what? He's not emotionally done with her. Who holds out hope for 10 years for an ex they supposedly threw over? Someone who is not emotionally done with them, that's who.

 

The fact that fights have to take place which gets you nowhere because mommy and daddy aren't handing out eviction notices should be a loud, ringing bell for you that this relationship is done--he is a lesson to you, not a life partner, so cut off the feeding tube to the "love" aspect already. Dude is messy in the extreme and the cost of being with him is to step down into that messy emotional mire with him. Is that how you want to spend the next decade and look up at 35 and they're making wedding plans?

 

Girl, you need to bounce.

Edited September 19, 2017 by kendahke

[coolheadal]

Just my sister

 

No good he can have fun with her at your expense because you don't leave with him and you don't know if he would even cheat behind your back. Why would the parents allow the ex gf into their house even if she was homeless. Something not right here. You need to leave him and tell him why. You can't force him to leave his parents for you nor can he leave his ex gf either for you. Do you see the problem and the issue. Look at this, it's not right it's not healthy you need a full-time bf not a part-time one he lives in the same house with her and you don't live with him.

 

You are sharing him with his ex-gf takes one oops to be in bed together while your at your own place sleeping. You can't introduce him to your folks you already know why so why do you stay with such a man. Out of respect he not 100% with you then. Loyalty is with his ex because he knows her longer than you in a sense.

[Redhead14]

I think the OP's best course of action is to calmly and respectfully explain how this is all making her feel and observe what, if anything, the BF does from this point. Hit the reset button, but for the last time, if necessary. She's hasn't been being honest and upfront with him yet.

 

If he says she's being insecure, she should point out that she actually has a legitimate and real reason for feeling that way. This is not some problem with internalized insecurity. It's a clear and present "danger" at least. Most people would be uneasy in this situation.

 

If he doesn't respond in a way that says he is supportive, intends to figure out something for her, understands her and actually starts making an effort in the near future, she should bail. (When she talks to him, she sets a mental limit for herself to observe whether he is making that effort, say a month. If at the end of that time, no real effort or plan has been made, she ends it once and for all. They've been going round and round over this for too long without focusing on the real problem and, if they did touch on the subject, she wasn't getting any validation from him -- he called her insecure. He didn't say anything like, "I understand how and why you're feeling this way. This is my plan, etc." As soon as she was dismissed, all she did was drop it and keep stewing about it. That's not healthy.