Almost 2 yrs in can't stop questioning his behavior

[Not2SureY]

I will try to make this as short as I can but there is a lot I will have to leave out to save room. In Feb we will be together 2 years, living in his house since July 2016. In the beginning I found out alot of stuff he did not tell me. He was honest when I confronted him, but he didn't tell me because he wasn't sure I'd go out again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but it left a lasting feeling that he is always hiding stuff from me so I compulsively snoop.

 

Normally I can tell when something is off by his behaviour but he knows I am not trusting. He works in IT, he's very smart and has the technology to be able to know anything he wants about me but also to protect himself in any way. For many months 1 or 2 times a week he would come home with semen stain in his underwear and in April it just stopped completely. I am not sure if whtever was going on stopped or if he got wise about it and made sure he comes home with no evidence? I questioned him about it twice and both times he got defensive and played dumb I know he is aware I was checking.

 

It's many things though, like he gets an hour lunch and at times he is MIA for the whole hour or slightly more. During a fight last Nov he admitted he went out to lunch with his ex secretary, when I asked when he last saw her. The fight was over finding out he was in contac with her but deliberately hid it from me cause he thought I would be mad. Ever since then, I am suspicious. He carries cash and there are days when $20 or is mising when he gets home. On Friday, following an email from a friend who lives near where he works to go out to lunch, he stopped replying to texts at 12:30 and did not hear back til after 3 and he ignored most of what I said previously. Even tho he told me he was having veggie soup for lunch and as of the day before dismissed the invite from his friends, I suspected maybe he DID go to his house and for whatever reason felt the need to keep it from me. When he got home he was very grumpy at me. All he did was complain about everything. He put his tupperware in the dishwasher but when I checked it it was totally clean and unused. He hadnt spent any of his cash and he tracks his spending with Quicken on his phone and only saw a couple convenience store transactions. But I checked his sent emails from Friday and his last one was sent at 12:45 and then 1:41. So unless he got occupied and ran out to grab something tastier a lil later, I dont know why he would put the container in the dishwasher and try to pretend.

 

This has happened many times. I dont care what he eats. But to me I live with this anxiety that he's doing stuff he just doesn't want to tell me and if that's the case it's stuff I would be mad about.

 

He told me about am upcoming trip two days after he paid for his registration and hotel room. His quicken app showed it but until the day after he told me, he was logged out so if I were to look I wouldn't see it.

 

My issue right now is that he's got a million bank accounts. One of three of his checking/savings account was disabled from syching to his phone and I never see the statements from that account unless he is on Quicken at this computer while I am sitting there with him. Last I saw, the balance had gone down about $100 but he never opened that so i couldn't see the transactions.

 

I noticed about a week or so ago, his BOA statement never came in the mail and it should have been. I am wondering if he is now getting that electonically, instead. He gets bank mail to his mothers house and he's got a while stack that hes just never opened. In the beginning, his CC statement and stuff would sit unopened til i was not home or sleeping and he'd shred everything when hes done then he stopped doing that and now they're sitting around in the office. But it seems to me he is aware that I may look and leaves them around on purpose or there's nothing to see there and it's the stuff he keeps hidden I have to wonder about.

 

My thing is that I feel like it shouldnt really be my business but we live together and while ppl do have a right to privacy, at the same time how do I know he isn't just being really sneaky? At what point does a couple share this information with one another? Say we are together 10+ years, I don''t think it would be normal for us to have everything separate and private in this way.

 

He is very good to me and we are a great match! I have no found any solid proof that there is really anything to worry about but knowing his int4elligence I don't doubt he just might be smart enough to evade me more than he thinks he does about stupid stuff.

 

I love him and though he never says it first, says he loves me. He treats me very well, despite some of his character flaws I could without. Ei: being a bit bossy and controlling and having a temper. I wish I could communicate openly but in the past all it has done is made him more resistant.

 

I found out through a work story that there had been a girl named Natalia who quit 3 months earlier. I mentioned he had never mentioned her previously and said cause he doen't think he's ever told me. 3 months prior to that is when the semen stains stopped completely. I looked her up and she was smoking hot.

 

A girl who worked for him in his dept just quit and since then, his usual lunch packing habits changed as in he just doesn't pack healthy food like to eat at his desk like he used to and he's gotten more casual, skipping the ties, etc. May not be any connection but I suspected for a long time he had a thing for this girl. I once found a long bleached blond hair in his car and this time last year she had that same hair. I found other hairs on his jackets or whatever later, that sort of matched whatever her recent hair colour was.

 

He won't let me come to his work. Not even meet him there to go to lunch together and he won't put a pic of me in his ofice, he claims cause it would be awkward since he had one of his ex and then that went away so if we broke up it would look bad having pics of girls come and go. He won't carry a pic of me in his wallet. But... it seems especially since this girl in his dept quit last month, he is allowing me to be exposed to his coworkers more, now. He emailed one employee on my behalf to help me with a job opportunity he has connections in and he invited me to go on the upcoming trip in Nov that his coworker and her husband are going on. She is looking forward to meeting and kept asking if I am going. Coincidence? Was he involved with this girl or crushing on her and trying to keep me hidden?

 

He calls himself "poopy" and uses the poop emoji to describe himself. After this girl (whose profile images are anything BUT professional) quit, a week later she posted a bunch of stuff on fb insinuating a heartbreak. Her new profile image was her in her bedroom and on her bed is the POOP EMOJI pillow. Her one meme was "heart off brain on". I don't know. He claimed she was awkward to talk to and rarely conversed with her but he used to like and comment on everything she posted on the fb workplace pages.

 

The same goes with lots of others. I once found a saved thread of emails in his inbox that appeared to be between two employees at another branch basically having email sex. As director of IT I know he has access to EVERYTHING. Everyone's passwords, he can access everyone's computers remotely, and I am sure they have spyware on the company issued smartphones. It occurred to once that he might even use this availability o technology in a pervy way and snoop on female employees. Read personal emails, use their cameras to spy on them, etc. Read dirty chats back and forth, maybe even create fake accounts through which he can interact with others! For all I know he hacked into that person's account and was the one having that sex conversation that got caught in his email filter.

 

I know that snooping and trust are big issues but all I want is to verify nothing is really going on and i am just overthinking/being paranoid. I know proving anything is not a likelihood since he's too smart. Where does one draw the line in terms of confronting someone about stuff they have found while snooping? When do I use anything I have come across as evidence of possibly hiding something bad and make an issue of it? I try to chose my battles and never mention most of what I see that bothers me.

 

Sorry for the length but I left a lot out, too.

 

ps: he is 52 and I am 33. His ex supposedly cheated on him and he used stuff like car trackers and bringing her flowers at work when he suspected she wouldn't be there to catch her. Supposedly finally caught her after coming home late one night after a funeral for a friend and she went to sleep in the guest room. He looked at her phone the next morning and saw a romantic type text from a female friend...she had saved her (now husband's) name in her phone relettered as a woman's name. The whole story made me nervous that maybe he's not trustworthy, either.

[uncorked]

Good God, I'm exhausted just reading your post. You don't trust him, you spy on him constantly, question his every move, get upset if he doesn't text you for three whole hours....omg. You either need to decide to trust him or move out. He's given you no reason to be distrustful, you said. So why are you? I don't think many men would put up with that forever.

[Not2SureY]

"I don't think many men would put up with that forever"

 

So you are saying his lying and sneaky behaviour is something I or any female should be OK with? How can trust be gained by someone who has been repeatedly like this since the beginning? Trust has to be earned and I want to trust him, and I am just not sure how. My question I guess is how much is his behaviour is stuff I SHOULD worry about vs. not? How much of it is normal compared to other relationships?

[Redhead14]

I will have to leave out to save room -- I suspect that whatever you left out would be just as convoluted and messed up as all this and would have been easier and shorter to write out.

 

Move on. This is too tangled and he is too shifty to even bother with. Find yourself a guy who is transparent and doesn't hide anything. You'll feel so much better.

 

I don't care if his Ex cheated, you aren't cheating. You shouldn't have to pay for the sins of his Ex.

[PinkPampies]

You really need to understand that you cannot control his behavior or change him...

 

You are driving yourself crazy and it seems like a miserable existence. Clearly, you don't trust him. It's not going to magically change.

 

One of two things can happen: 1. You stay with him and continue to watch his every move and question everything and drive yourself crazy or 2. Understand that you cannot change his behavior. You can only change yours. Then, you can either stay with him and accept the way things are or move on.

[salparadise]

I will have to leave out to save room -- I suspect that whatever you left out would be just as convoluted and messed up as all this and would have been easier and shorter to write out.

 

Move on. This is too tangled and he is too shifty to even bother with. Find yourself a guy who is transparent and doesn't hide anything. You'll feel so much better.

 

I don't care if his Ex cheated, you aren't cheating. You shouldn't have to pay for the sins of his Ex.

 

 

Yea, I'd like to see the full version anyway. Few posts are this intriguing. My eyes were riveted––the only way it could have been more excruciating is if she had eliminated paragraphs. Perhaps something to look forward to in the full version. I suppose the thing the OP and I agree on is that self-flagellation is redemptive and should be practiced daily. However, I can usually tolerate only 10-15 minutes in the morning and she apparently is able to spend the entirety of her waking hours nourishing her soul.

 

The only thing I missed, Redhead, is whatever evidence you saw that he is shifty, or that something is isn't on the up and up. I'll grant that it's as difficult to sort fantasy from fiction in the post as in her mind, but still you must've seen something, right? The fact that she is this suspicious is evidence of neurosis on one side, but not the other. I mean seriously... checks his pockets for a missing twenty-spot and wonders if unopened bank statements are a diversion intended to drive her nuts?

 

Oh yea, and let's not forget the disappearing semen stains. I'm still trying to figure out how that works since males don't typically leak after intercourse like females. It sort of all gets deposited (not to be confused with bank statements) at once into genitalia B. Perhaps the OP suspects them of double swapping underwear, also intended to drive her nuts? Or said coworker is somehow causing him to release spontaneously? The intrigue is causing me to feel depressed that my life has been so mundane.

 

You see, I'm hoping the full version will expound upon these intertwining riddles. I think OP should write a blog and provide daily updates of the mysteries surrounding this guy who goes to work, comes home, and seems so... normal... like an Ian Flemming, or Bruce Wayne.

Edited September 19, 2017 by salparadise

[clia]

With all due respect, this is nuts.

 

I honestly cannot imagine living with a person who is constantly scrutinizing my underwear, cash supply, emails, Quicken sheets, what I'm eating for lunch and who I'm eating it with, whether or not I'm opening my bank statements and then getting suspicious when I shred them, asking questions about people at work, wanting to come to my work, etc. I cannot even believe he hasn't dumped you yet. It's not normal.

 

And why are you with a guy who you don't trust? Aren't you exhausted if all this snooping? Wouldn't it just be so much easier to be with a man who you trust?

[stillafool]

Good God, I'm exhausted just reading your post. You don't trust him, you spy on him constantly, question his every move, get upset if he doesn't text you for three whole hours....omg. You either need to decide to trust him or move out. He's given you no reason to be distrustful, you said. So why are you? I don't think many men would put up with that forever.

 

I agree. OP, why are you still with a man you can't trust?

[kendahke]

Actually, you can stop. You do it, it's done.

 

You are choosing to not stop because you get something out of keeping yourself precariously balanced on the emotional precipice. For you, this pain is what you equate with love because honestly, if it was really all that bad, you and your healthy emotional self would have 1. not moved in at the 5 month mark in your involvement and 2. you wouldn't have stuck around for 2 years with someone who you feel disrespects you to the levels you are thinking he is.

 

So, what's up with you, OP? Why do you keep your hand in this fire but want to complain about the smell of burning flesh?