SayWhat316 Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Hi everyone! For the record, I have no intention on getting back with this person. I would just like opinions as to what's going on for my own piece of mind. One year into our five year relationship we moved in together. Everything was perfect before then. They always say you don't truly know someone until you live with them. We were both living with our parents before we moved in together. His mom took care of him completely. Naturally I took over her role when we started living together. I wasn't used to taking care of someone other than myself. He's a slob to say the least and arguments started after probably 3 months of living together. I am 26 and he is 27 by the way. I ended up with what I know now is severe depression. At the time I was in denial that anything was wrong with me. Over the course of the next 3 years I treated him poorly to say the least. I would say awful things to him for little to no reason at all. I was truly angry with the world. I also stopped cooking and cleaning. What started as anger led to weight gain and eventual seclusion from friends and family. I started to only want to be around him and became very angry if he would try to hang out with friends. I was always invited but never wanted to go and didn't want him to go either. He started to detach from me at about 2 years into the relationship. He did however remain faithful and hopeful that I would get better. Fast forward to 6 months ago. After many threats that he would leave I sought help from a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed 4 medications. Since about February I've been working on myself. I've been much easier to get along with. I still have my moments as I was told that I would but I've improved tremendously. Fast forward to now. About a month ago we got into an argument about him going out every weekend. He had been going to bars with one of our newly single friends. This guy was scorned and looking to party. I was still invited to go but refused due to self esteem problems relating to the weight gain. Those problems did come mostly from him pointing it out to me. I left the house that night and stayed at my parents. When I returned to our house the next day, he was very cold. He told me that he wanted the relationship to be over. At the time I panicked of course and talked him out of it. 3 days later her left for a 4 day bachelor party that was out of town. I thought we were on good terms when he left. We talked the entire time he was gone. When he returned something was off about him. He went to the bathroom, took a shower and went straight to bed. Barely saying anything to me. I had a gut feeling that he was guilty. After questioning him he stated that he slept with a random girl while he was there. That it meant nothing and he hasn't spoken to her since. After that he seemed to be sorry for about a day before resorting back to the "I can't do this anymore" attitude. We ended up deciding on a break. I stayed at the house and he stayed with a friend. During the break he admitted to taking the "shot girl" at the strip club on his boat and also meeting/getting the number of a different girl he met while out on the boat. After all of that he was still saying he didn't know what he wanted but he loved me and didn't want to lose me. Also that he was trying to meet girls and move on to get his mind off of me but it wasn't working. He told me that the relationship is over for now and that I can go on dates lol. I have since left and am currently staying at my parents house. All of my stuff is still at the house we shared. I am waiting a little while to calm down before I go pack it up. This behavior is completely unlike him. He has completely changed since hanging out with this guy. Even his parents notice the difference in him. He's become a careless a-hole. Anyone have any advice? I of course love this man/child and am completely heartbroken/lost. Thank you
Zahara Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 The advice would be to stay away from him and start working on your self-worth. The man acts like a slob and you sit around and take care of him. He cheats on you on more than one occasion and you remain in his vicinity. You drag yourself through all of that without ever having the courage to reclaim yourself but wait faithfully till the end for him to determine your fate. He didn't change. He was always this guy you now see. Love is nurturing and supportive. It isn't destructive. Yes, you may be emotionally attached to him but this isn't the kind of love that is worth holding onto. You deserve better and it's time you start believing it. Ask someone to grab your belongings. Then block him and grieve. 1
CamelBoy Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) Hi I'm sorry for your pain, but glad you are dealing with the mental health issues and the way you write seems like you are very rational about the whole situation. I'm by no means an expert and hurting myself right now, but thought I'd try give my view purely from a guys perspective: The fact you didnt want to go out and socialise with him, combined with a newly single friend could have combined to make him see the 'positives' in being single. Like the phrase the grass is always greener on the other side. Especially if this 'friend' is trying to rub it in his face and make it look fun. Basically, the friend seems to be a bad influence on your ex in my opinion. Keep working on yourself, and consider yourself lucky to have parents around who support you Edited September 18, 2017 by CamelBoy Oh and your ex sounds like a jerk anyway who was lucky to have you 1
Author SayWhat316 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 Zahara, thank you! It's crazy how it takes someone else to make you see that you were essentially a doormat. Unfortunately, myself and everyone around me thinks this won't be the last I'll hear from him. Especially since he clarified multiple times that it's over FOR NOW. He also kept repeating "I love you" because I wouldn't say it back when I went to leave. It feels like he's playing a game. He will outgrow his new lifestyle and return to what he knows. I hope I'm strong enough to tell him no. CamelBoy, I agree with you. He made many comments about the fact that I never went out and that he had missed having fun. This friend is definitely a bad influence and he only uses him. He's never around when he has better things to do. I'm sorry for your pain as well. Even a relationship of 2 months is hard to lose. Unfortunately, she will probably turn back up in your life. 1
Author SayWhat316 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 Zahara, thank you! It's crazy how it takes someone else to make you see that you were essentially a doormat. Unfortunately, myself and everyone around me thinks this won't be the last I'll hear from him. Especially since he clarified multiple times that it's over FOR NOW. He also kept repeating "I love you" because I wouldn't say it back when I went to leave. It feels like he's playing a game. He will outgrow his new lifestyle and return to what he knows. I hope I'm strong enough to tell him no. CamelBoy, I agree with you. He made many comments about the fact that I never went out and that he had missed having fun. This friend is definitely a bad influence and he only uses him. He's never around when he has better things to do. I'm sorry for your pain as well. Even a relationship of 2 months is hard to lose. Unfortunately, she will probably turn back up in your life.
Zahara Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Zahara, thank you! It's crazy how it takes someone else to make you see that you were essentially a doormat. Unfortunately, myself and everyone around me thinks this won't be the last I'll hear from him. Especially since he clarified multiple times that it's over FOR NOW. He also kept repeating "I love you" because I wouldn't say it back when I went to leave. It feels like he's playing a game. He will outgrow his new lifestyle and return to what he knows. I hope I'm strong enough to tell him no. Yes, he will be back and it won't be because he loves you but because he knows he can use you. You have taught him that you are willing to accept mistreatment, therefore he knows you will always be available no matter what because he has to do very little to keep your interest. "I love you" is bait. He knows that you eat that stuff up and that it will keep you sitting around and clinging because you are desperate to be loved by him. He knows what to do to keep you where he needs you to be. If you block him, you won't give yourself the opportunity to fall down that rabbit hole again. There will be no need to tell him no because you would have chosen your own fate rather than again, leave it in his hands. There comes a point where you need to take responsibility for your choices. If you keep putting yourself in a position of weakness, you'll always play the victim.
CamelBoy Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 CamelBoy, I agree with you. He made many comments about the fact that I never went out and that he had missed having fun. This friend is definitely a bad influence and he only uses him. He's never around when he has better things to do. I'm sorry for your pain as well. Even a relationship of 2 months is hard to lose. Unfortunately, she will probably turn back up in your life. His friend sounds like many I've had in the past, so very shortly it sounds like your ex could be 'dumped' by his friend as it were and will want to come crawling back to you when he realises the single life wasn't as good as he originally thought and he has thrown away something he can't get back. The weight gain thing is an issue close to my heart, and I know its a breakup forum, but just try to get a small bit of exercise in and eat well. It really does help with both depression and self esteem. I wish it was easier said than done, and its not something i've followed religiously .. but every little helps and it takes 28 days to form a 'habit'.. apparently And thanks for your kind words. Maybe she will turn back up, maybe she won't. I could do with learning your self control where you are 100% you won't take that person back into your life.
stillafool Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Zahara, thank you! It's crazy how it takes someone else to make you see that you were essentially a doormat. Unfortunately, myself and everyone around me thinks this won't be the last I'll hear from him. Especially since he clarified multiple times that it's over FOR NOW. He also kept repeating "I love you" because I wouldn't say it back when I went to leave. It feels like he's playing a game. He will outgrow his new lifestyle and return to what he knows. I hope I'm strong enough to tell him no. CamelBoy, I agree with you. He made many comments about the fact that I never went out and that he had missed having fun. This friend is definitely a bad influence and he only uses him. He's never around when he has better things to do. I'm sorry for your pain as well. Even a relationship of 2 months is hard to lose. Unfortunately, she will probably turn back up in your life. It is up to you whether he comes back, not him. You are the one who has to be strong and move on with your life. It is not that his friend is a bad influence, he is who he is. Don't make excuses for his behavior.
Author SayWhat316 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 Zahara, you're absolutely right. You don't do the things he's doing to people you love. I can't believe how little respect he has for me after 5 years. CamelBoy, you can do better. At two months the two of you should be on cloud 9. Definitely still in the honeymoon phase. Not dealing with her drama already. Over half of the weight is already gone plus I'm meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow. I've dropped like 20lbs in a month. I guess that's what heartbreak will do. Lol
Author SayWhat316 Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 Stillafool, I have a few more weeks before I plan to go get my stuff. Seeing as most of what's in the house is mine it will take a while. We also share horses so I will have to move them as well. He won't expect me to be strong and not let him push me around again. He will still think he has me right where he wants me. Thankfully I am getting stronger and realizing that I don't deserve this.
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