A well of sadness I can't seem to crawl out of.....it's becoming my identity

[dreaming4ever]

Today is day 22 post breakup with my ex....we dated for 2 years but then split up because he treated me like crap and we're two completely different people. He said when we broke up that he wanted more than anything to still be my best friend but I told him I couldn't do it....how would I ever move on?....so now, since I think the only way I'll be able to get past him is to never see him again, it's like he's dead, gone forever. I know he's not but I honestly feel like crap, even though I outwardly make it seem like I'm okay to everyone else...and it's especially hard because I know I could call him right now and drive over to his house and sink into his arms and he'd hold me and we'd kiss and it'd be temporary relief but then it would be the same crap as always.....I'm not saying I'm considering doing this right now but it hurts knowing that possibility is there....especially since I've been there and done that several times before after we broke up. But this time is for good.

 

Maybe I'm the only person who does this but sometimes when I'm at a sad point in my life like this I find it's a bit like I fell in a hole and am having serious difficulties crawling out of it.....it like becomes a part of who I am which feels both familiar/comforting and horrible at the same time. I feel like in the world there's people that are happy most of the time and people that are sad and well, we can't all be the happy ones so I was just meant to be miserable for a lot of my life.....does anyone else ever feel like this?

 

I was feeling fine today....then I watched 2 episodes of one of my favorite shows and they were so sad (the main character died unexpectedly) I cried and cried....and now it's like this sadness won't let go of me and I'm feeling sad about the breakup again and about everything.....I'm listening to Michael Buble's song "Home" on repeat and crying into my cereal and I just can't seem to stop.....

 

Everyone says it will get better but it has been 22 days!! My ex was my best friend and my life.....we hardly hung out with anyone else besides each other....so now I have nothing to do but sit here and cry and cry. I took on extra hours at work and joined a gym with my cousin which I'm going to go to 3 times a week but there's still so many spaces in between where I have too much time to think.....I tried to think about dating someone else but there's no way......the only thing that sometimes works for me when I'm feeling this down is going to sleep and hoping I wake up in a better mood.

 

Sometimes I don't even care how badly he made me feel about myself anymore or how bad any of it was or how wrong for me he was, I just want to go back to it so I can stop feeling like this.......I need him......what do I do???? Nothing is working!

[lostinmymind]

It will get better, it has ONLY been 22 days! That isn't long at all. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm still sad after 3 months, but I'm not nearly as sad now, I just have moments of major sadness. How you feel is completely normal. You just need to FORCE yourself to do other things even if you are sad while doing them. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, it's part of getting better. I think you know in your heart you are doing the right thing. Good luck!

[lindya]

All too often, continued friendship after a relationship breakdown allows one person to maintain a power imbalance, receive support, ego boosts and romantic perks without having to put in the work that a proper relationship would require. I'm glad you've resisted being cast into the role of "friend". Your needs and welfare must be the absolute number one priority now...particularly if you've been spending a while putting them to one side in order to sustain the relationship. A friendship with your ex might distract you from identifying and finding healthy methods of meeting those needs.

 

I know you feel as if you need your ex, but what your post screams out is that what you REALLY need is to get out of this black hole you've fallen into. Depression is a terribly easy thing to spiral downwards into, but the deeper you get the more of a struggle it is to get out of there. The ex won't help you...or if he does, it would only be on a very temporary basis - and long term he could end up inadvertently making things worse for you. It might be worth speaking to your doctor to see what the best way forward is. .

 

The worst bit's over, and now it's a case of willing yourself to get better. Switching off that Michael Buble song and listening to something a bit more empowering would be a wise move. I know it's not what you feel like doing, but that's the whole point. To get out of this hole, you're going to have to start doing a lot of things you don't feel like doing - at a time, sadly, when you might not feel as if you've got the will or the energy to achieve anything. I know you can do it, because you've already shown the courage to make one very big, positive change to your life. That takes more strength than you're perhaps crediting yourself with right now. You're going to get through this, and I hope you'll make it as easy as possible on yourself by seeking any help from others (doctor, counsellor, friends and family) that you might need.

[Outcast]

Don't listen to the sad romantic songs. Don't watch mushy movies or anything to do with romance. Stick to comedies and things which will take your mind off your troubles, not focus it more on them. Go out with friends. Get some new clothes. You need to keep busy now and for the next while.

[april]

what do I do????

 

You continue NC, that's what you do.

 

Everything is going to remind you of him...movies, songs, etc.

 

It's all part of the healing process, hun....

 

I know your pain.

 

Take care of yourself

[dreaming4ever]

lostinmymind,

I'm glad you say that 22 days isn't long at all because sometimes I feel like we just broke up yesterday and then I feel bad about myself because I think that it's been 3 weeks and I still feel like the pain is so raw. And yes I know what you mean about those moments of major sadness....that's what I have too. Like, I will go days feeling fine and semi-happy, occupied at least, and then I'll have one of those moments of major sadness where I just feel sadder and sadder and it doesn't get better until the next day. It is in those moments that I realize how people can really kill themselves....I'm not saying that I would kill myself or anything because I never would but I just think that if I had to endure those major moments of sadness every second of every day and I could never shake it, I might want to die rather than live. Thank god I have good times too!

 

lindya,

You are so right, thank you. I really need to work on getting out of this hole. That's why I'm happy I joined a gym with my cousin that I'm going to go to regularly. Maybe if I focus on getting really fit and toned I won't think of those dark moments where being without my ex is like not breathing.

 

I'm working on it guys!! I really am.....I'm not going to back to him this time, that's for sure. I just fear those dark times so much....you never know when one is going to be triggered.....ugh....

[lindya]

Originally posted by dreaming4ever

I'm happy I joined a gym with my cousin that I'm going to go to regularly. Maybe if I focus on getting really fit and toned I won't think of those dark moments where being without my ex is like not breathing.

 

I'm working on it guys!! I really am

 

That's evident. You really are doing well to be going regularly to the gym and focusing on health matters. It's easy to think that everyone around you copes better with relationship disappointments than you do, but people put on a front and often pretend to be happier than they are. I bet there are a lot of people who come into regular contact with you who wouldn't guess how you're feeling right now.

 

I'm so glad you're being so strong about this and focusing on feeling better. You're going to be fine and you can always post here when you're needing a bit of support or encouragement.

[pippen_2k]

Its when you get them real down times, and deep sadness, is when you HAVE TO GET BUSY!

 

People have said it a million times in here, but Exercise is the Ultimate recovery tool!

 

Dont fall in the trap of sitting around home listening to music when your feeling down... go for a walk or run.. go to the gym like your doing... You feel 100% better about yourself after you exercise!

 

But all in all you seem to be doing very well.. 22 days is nothing!

 

Keep it up!