Myasylum Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Recently divorced, wife has already with someone else and here I sit. I waited till after the divorce you date because I was the right thing to do... However, I now find myself older (40's) and balder. My self esteem is in the toilet, and because of the divorce I financially not where I should be. I know I shouldn't care what my wife does at this point, but it amazes me how she can do easily just pack up and move along without a care in the world. Now I have to move on as well. Question is, how? I don't even know how this works? Dating sites seem lame, the girls are often fake, or lying. Any suggestions?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) Using online dating is a norm now. It can be frustrating for sure, but not entirely lame and many women online are looking for some kind of meaningful relationship. I have had decent success and met many lovely ladies. Since you just got out of a divorce, my contribution and advice is to be ready for a relationship. That is to say, be open and emotionally prepared to accept another person in your life that is ready for something 'real.' There is nothing more aggravating then people dating who are not ready to be in a relationship. That is not fair to those who are. If you're just jumping in just b/c your ex has, then perhaps you should take a considerable break or avoid dating until you have fully processed the recent break-up and are ready to date. Edited September 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post 1
Mike B. Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) You're really not ready for dating, especially since you are hurt about what your wife is doing in her dating life. She will likely cause headaches with other guys and she is not likely having a blast as it may appear. If you go out there right now and date, you are going to frustrate a lot of women out there. You are likely not ready to get into a serious relationship. If you insist on dating, I would keep it very casual. No need to bring up your marriage and I wouldn't be looking to jump right into a relationship. Be upfront about that. Edited September 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post
Author Myasylum Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 Been playing with that online dating thing. Seems to be a lot of chasing. You have to ask them questions and they reply but they don't ask you anything... So you have to keep following up with them or it just dies. I had enough chasing after girls in High School. If they don't show mutual interest I feel like I'm done. You know what I mean?
PegNosePete Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 If they don't show mutual interest I feel like I'm done. You know what I mean? Absolutely. But don't expect too much "interest" online. After a few messages suggest a quick phone call, and then meet up. Don't "chat online" for longer than a week. If they don't want to meet, move on. But as said above I don't think you're ready to date anyone just yet. It's going to end badly. From your other thread about the finances, your divorce isn't even sorted yet. You should just be single for a while and do things you want to do in your life.
act00 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I think that one thing you could do with OLD is try to plan to meet in person as quickly as possible. Don't move into this texting for weeks scenario. It gets old, fast, and these women are just as concerned about shady jerks as you are. Bite the bullet and get them out there. At least you won't waste a ton of time texting, and it will allow you to get your sea legs, so to speak. I can only speak for myself, but most men my age are not the young, spring chickens with tight bodies, and many don't have (all their) hair or do something with the thinning hair in that it is attractive (yinkles won't work). Women our age aren't exactly the young hotties they once were either. Outwardly you can improve upon yourself in small ways to make yourself more attractive, mainly for your own self-esteem. Don't carry a lot of baggage. There will be ex discussion, particularly if there are kids, but these people are a part of the past. They come up. Don't trash talk your ex. That's not to say something that pisses you off doesn't spill out; she has an ex, and she'll probably do the same...reign it in. Don't lament about your divorce or what she's up to now - especially what she's up to now. Unless you have younger children that still require parental communication, you have no reason to still have any part of her life. Things creep up, and downplay it if it does. Someone you're dating doesn't need to be sucked into the drama. The longer you date, the more comes in, and you're still going to have to deal with someone leaving due to too much drama with the ex, if there is drama with the ex, but hopefully you don't have any of that happening. If there *is* a continued high level of drama, see what you can do to fix that, create boundaries. You can't move on if she keeps you sucked in. If emotions are still raw and bitter, you may not be ready to move out into the land of dating. Women are going to be concerned you haven't dated since the divorce, so it will be good for you to be able to say that you have, but be honest as well. The things that have turned me off - drama with the ex, the mother of his children; trash talking and a high level of bitterness about the divorce and the ex; and really young children (mine are grown, not really wanting to deal with grade school again, junior high/middle school questionable, and teenage drama). You'll be fine, OP. I think step one is to ask someone to meet you for coffee or a drink or some other common interest that won't have you cornered with someone that isn't quite working out for hours, and go from there. Baby steps. 1
Popsicle Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I feel that married people get lazy. Super lazy even and take what they have for granted. Being single keeps you on your toes and keeps you working hard. This is good for you. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I feel that married people get lazy. Super lazy even and take what they have for granted. Being single keeps you on your toes and keeps you working hard. This is good for you. ...until you fall back to your typical MO and again, become lazy. I agree that the chase and thrill of starting a new relationship is exhilarating at times, but once you get the person, you need to keep it going...married or not. I don't get the idea that the OP is looking to do too much work. Could be wrong. 1
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Recently divorced, wife has already with someone else and here I sit. I do not think you are ready yet as the second thing you mention after saying that you are recently divorced is that your wife is already with someone else... Too raw.
coolheadal Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Recently divorced, wife has already with someone else and here I sit. I waited till after the divorce you date because I was the right thing to do... However, I now find myself older (40's) and balder. My self esteem is in the toilet, and because of the divorce I financially not where I should be. I know I shouldn't care what my wife does at this point, but it amazes me how she can do easily just pack up and move along without a care in the world. Now I have to move on as well. Question is, how? I don't even know how this works? Dating sites seem lame, the girls are often fake, or lying. Any suggestions? How many years were you two married for? How many years after the divorce has finalized? You need time to cope after a divorce and very long marriage. Before you start into the world of the online dating zone. Yes the women online most are still married and playing around, some are fake some are lying through there teeth. Not easy for us single men today to find someone to have fun with, have a relationship with and someone you can grow old with.. I got divorce too the ex has picked up her life after I spent so much time to help her to advance in her career. But I rather not be with her today. She needs to move on and she did, I did never turn back the pages of your past life with a crazy unstable woman.. LOL
rightondude Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 (edited) hey bud I'm there with you. Divorced close to a year now and had no idea how to get back into the game but I have. It hasn't all been flowers, I tell ya. Yes, keep up the OLD. You will get many rejections and be ignored. But occasionally you will get a hit on someone you want to meet and who wants to meet you. Meet as many as possible. Talk as much as possible. Take it all in, good or bad, it's all learning experience. Talk more to random people you meet more than you would normally. Smile a lot. Crack corny jokes. Be a person you'd like to hang out with. If the baldness is really causing you anxiety, either shave it, buy some rogaine (it does work but you have to give it enough time) or bite the bullet and get a pro graft job done. I'd just shave it. And finally, along those lines and most important, improve yourself. Success is the best revenge and will get you over your Ex quicker than any date or relationship will. Plus, with success in something comes confidence, and with confidence the dates come a lot easier. You can do it, but get off the couch, get into the gym or outdoors, better yourself, and realize she's no longer a part of your life and never will be again. Time to focus on you. Edited September 19, 2017 by rightondude had another idea
Gaeta Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 First you need to move on from your divorce. That will be accomplished when you actually call her your ex-wife and not your *wife* like you've done here. Second thing you need to do is to work on your self-esteem. You need to hit the gym, get a new wardrobe, and shave the head completely. Women love it. We don't like seeing hair spread here and there, we prefer a clean shaven head. Third, do something you have always wanted to do like go on a trip, visit Europe, Alaska, South America, what ever dream that's been standing in the back of your head. Fourth, do not try to match what your ex is doing. She is already with someone and for all you know in a year it will crash and burn. You do your own thing and no care what others do with their life. Fifth, you don't sound fun. You sound like someone that's depressed, defeated, envious, and all this will transpire while you date. That's why it's not gonna work until you work on yourself and go back to that place of being happy. Last, being single is fun! Enjoy it! reconnect with family and friends, make plans, take new night courses, travel, eat ice cream for breakfast if you wish, just embrace it! 2
stillafool Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I do not think you are ready yet as the second thing you mention after saying that you are recently divorced is that your wife is already with someone else... Too raw. I agree. You need to get to a place where you don't care what your wife is doing or who she is seeing before you start to date. You aren't over her yet.
Mrin Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 A few things: 1. If you don't already, go to the gym. Three days a week. Religiously. 2. Ask yourself, "do people say I'm stylish?" Unless you can answer that question with a hell yeah then you have to conclude that your wardrobe is badly out of date. That's okay you don't have to replace it all at once. Just go out and get some clothes to go out in. These days you just need a couple of pairs of nice jeans, some stylish t-shirts and a golf shirt or two. 3. Ditch the attitude: seriously women can smell that a mile away. Just look at what some of the women on this board already telling you- you're not ready to date. Dating is supposed to be fun. Yes it is a lot of work but when you are talking with a woman out on a date she needs to feel like she's the most amazing creature you've ever seen. And right now it doesn't sound like you could pull that off. 4. Crash and burn: dude I won't lie to you- your first couple of dates will probably be wrecks. You're rusty. You don't know how to date anymore. You only know how to husband. That's okay. The only way to learn how to do it is to - do it. 5. Fashion part 2: just remember that if an article of clothing has a hole in it or as frayed collars or a stain then it is not appropriate to wear on a date. I don't care if it is your favorite shirt it is still not appropriate to wear on a date. 6. Online dating: like it or not it is a reality and honestly is the best way for you to break off that rust I was talking about earlier. If you can put together a good profile with some great pics and have just a bit of text/email game you should be able to score some initial coffee dates pretty easily. Do it. 7. It isn't a race: don't measure your success by what your ex wife is doing. Let's face it she's a woman. If she wants a man she can have one very easily. Best of luck! 2
bpb2017 Posted September 19, 2017 Posted September 19, 2017 I waited till after the divorce you date because I was the right thing to do Was it really because of that? it amazes me how she can do easily just pack up and move along without a care in the world. She was already checked out before even telling you about a divorce. Nothing to be amazed about. Imagine if you were dating/married to a woman you were no longer interested in. By the time you tell her you would have already be over the relationship and probably have your eyes for someone else. The advice is textbook. Improve yourself mentally and physically, women will notice. Hopefully in a year you'll be in a great relationship with someone else and will laugh this off. From a looks perspective I'd take a look at gents fashion on instagram (e.g. #ootdmen #gentleman #menwith) and replicate that style.
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