CeciliaCylara Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Hi everyone. So I went and got the car yesterday whilst he wasnt home. I left a photo of us together at his in case he wanted it. Then I deactivated facebook. I've had to text him today as I cant find the spare key to the car. He replied saying he will look. Ive told him i deactivated and that it is not aimed at him, I just need a break. Of course I didnt tell him its about him, essentially...i just cant keep looking at his profile even though he unfriended me, and seeing him online in messenger and not talking to me just guts me. I needed to do it so i could try to start to heal. Is starting NC after a month of being broken up already too late to see if he will miss me? My main aim with NC is actually to get to a point of not caring if he contacts me or not. But I have to admit that there's also a part of me that wants to see if it will make him miss me and reach out at all. I'm having a HUGE amount of trouble grasping the fact that he can move on with his life and be totally fine after having me around for 17 years. Right now, I would love the chance to show him things could be different in terms of having a new relationship where we dont argue and can have fun again. But he really is a different person at the moment. When I saw him monday, he was so cold. Said he misses me every day but is just going to force himself to get over me. Why can guys do this? CAN they even force themselves to get over someone they have been with for so long? Im feeling very lonely and down, any replies would be awesome please. Hi Devastated, Congratulations for going NC, it's one of the best choices to go about a situation like this. If I can offer any insight, I have a sneaking suspicion your ex has depression if he walked away from a good woman so easily while quickly going into a new relationship after. It's happened to me with my ex, but we were only together for 2.5 years (looking back, it was thankfully not that long). I heard it all. The "I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." The move you try to show you love him, the more he pulls away from you and gives the cold shoulder. The deflection that he couldn't hold himself accountable, as if he acknowledged any more guilt, he would crack under the pressure. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship with me, but gets into a new one just weeks after I cut contact with him because I was tired of being in relationship limbo with him. Depressed people do not handle stress well, and it wouldn't be surprising if he's trying to chase the next big thing. They get that momentary high in order to actually feel, when they're actually numb inside due to depression. Don't ever blame yourself for his actions. You were just caught in the crossfire. You cannot reason with a partner who has depression and refuses to take accountability for it. He probably did love you and it was real. However, depression distorts their perspective. The love gets too much for them because they don't have any from within. They are full of self-loathing and feel unworthy of love. It's a selfish disease that manifests when the relationship is full of love. They become people we don't recognize anymore, from warm to cold out of nowhere. I still love my ex. You're probably thinking, "I still love him and if I had tried harder to show it, he can actually see and come back and we can start over". The reality is, it will NEVER happen. There is NOTHING we can do for them. The decision to face their inner issues is in their power alone. They will always hurt the people who try to reach out to them. We have to remember that we are responsible for our own health. There's a forum that may be helpful for you called Depression Fallout Forum. Lots of people whom you may be able to relate your story with. I'm over 2 weeks NC with my ex. We broke up last year and I stayed in contact for a whole year before doing so. It's NEVER too late to go NC. It's for YOU. It's all dark now and you're in mourning, but have faith that by the end, you still have you. You're going to be okay. You will survive. 1
Author Devastated77 Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 I just fell apart yet again. Cried for hours at a shopping centre of all places. I am hurting so badly. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look all I see and think about are memories. I thought I was doing better but I'm not. I miss him so much I cant even think. I'm back to feeling suicidal again because I just want the pain to stop. I am so tired of the pain and thoughts. I'm really not doing well at all.
CeciliaCylara Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) I just fell apart yet again. Cried for hours at a shopping centre of all places. I am hurting so badly. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look all I see and think about are memories. I thought I was doing better but I'm not. I miss him so much I cant even think. I'm back to feeling suicidal again because I just want the pain to stop. I am so tired of the pain and thoughts. I'm really not doing well at all. I know your pain. It's all confusing and painful. The anger. The betrayal. The grieving. I've cried out of nowhere while driving before. The hardest days were initially after NC, when I had dreams that he'd return, only to wake up to the cold reality that he hasn't and won't. However, remind yourself: NO MAN EVER is worth taking your life for. NO ONE. Feeling is part of what makes us human. By feeling, you are already healing better than him because he's choosing to run from his feelings instead. The turmoil going through you will be one of the hardest parts of recovery. However, it WILL pass. It's okay to feel hurt because what he did was WRONG. Let it out. You'll be stronger for it. You will find the happiness you deserve at the end. Edited September 28, 2017 by CeciliaCylara
Author Devastated77 Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Please tell me when it will pass. Or get better. Please. This is week 5 and I just cant see an end in sight other than the obvious. Not one of my friends or family have checked in with me to see if Im ok. I am completely alone and it would be so easy just to give in right now.
Author Devastated77 Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 I have texted a couple of people telling them how I feel but no one has replied. No one ****ing cares. I'm so hurt and scared. If I did this right now no one would care. People say things about suicidal people and say they dont reach out for help. I did that and no one even cares to reply to my texts. It is these times that you realise how alone you are.
PegNosePete Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Is starting NC after a month of being broken up already too late to see if he will miss me? My main aim with NC is actually to get to a point of not caring if he contacts me or not. If your aim is truly to move on (which it SHOULD be, considering how poorly he has treated you!) then it doesn't matter if he will miss you or not. Well done for getting the car, it's a great start. You have however, left several lines of communication open. It was a mistake to leave the photo and to tell him your reasons for deactivating facebook. These things are your business alone. You also have to wait for him to reply about the spare key. You need to get this sorted ASAP, before starting NC. Yes, in hard times you really find out who your real friends are. Some people are fair weather friends, and some simply don't know what to say.
BryanSmiley Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Take some time away from your usual surroundings. Is there someone you can reach out to and visit? Even if you feel slightly odd initiating and asking as such. It's poor form that people haven't responded to your reach out. Take some pride in how strong you are to have come through all this. Give yourself some credit and say to yourself, you are okay, you will be okay, and you will get better over time. It's a horrid tunnel at the moment, a lot of people can relate. Sounds like this guys really messed you around for a long time. There's a positive road ahead, you just can't sense it right now in the clouds which is totally understandable.
Author Devastated77 Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Thank you everyone for replying. I know you all understand how horrible this all feels. If only we could deflect it all onto our respective exs! I got a reply about the key, he has it. I haven't replied to him and I wont. NC needs to start Now for me and I can always get the key from his Dad at a later stage. Regarding the photo I left, yes it probably was a mistake as it shows him how clearly hung up on him I still am. But a little mean part of me hopes he looked at it and felt pain or sadness. I don't care if he knows why i deactivated - i really so need to just stay off fb for awhile, i was obsessing over his profile far too much. I didnt tell him that of course, just said im taking time off it. I went and visited my Dad tonight and it helped. He talked through it a bit with me and said his door is always open. It just really hurts in knowing that most people don't bother to check in with you when youre going through the worst time of your life. This man was my life for so long. The loneliness is definitely one of the hardest things to try to cope with. I cant keep showing up at people's houses uninvited or texting them when I feel suicidal or very down. Already people are sick of me talking about it.
PegNosePete Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 I can always get the key from his Dad at a later stage. I would very much recommend you get it ASAP. Otherwise it will always be at the back of your mind, and it will hold your progress back. Great that your Dad is supportive of you and helping you out. Remember you can always post here, people are always happy to help or just listen, especially in the "Coping" forum.
BryanSmiley Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 I would consider visiting your GP too. This is a breakup from a very long term relationship and total shake up of your reality. It's completely understandable to be feeling high levels of anxiety, depression. They might refer you for some talking therapy, especially if you are already concerned you are leaning on people you know too much. I've done that, sometimes a stranger and a professional - really helps makes some leaps ahead in the road to recovery. 1
Author Devastated77 Posted September 29, 2017 Author Posted September 29, 2017 Thankyou. I am seeing my GP and Im on meds already for depression/anxiety. Had my first counselling session last wednesday. Now in Day 1 of NC. It hurts like a bitch but I also dont want to hear from him in case it's him telling me he has moved on.
Author Devastated77 Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 So today my ex tells me he's interested in someone else and has been for awhile. To say that I am gutted is an understatement. I really didn't think **** could get any worse, and it just did. Life is really kicking my arse right now.
BryanSmiley Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Interested, so it's not even reciprocated currently. Exit and relieve yourself of this man's cruel emotional rollercoaster. Enjoy that release. You have no kids with this man!? Move forwards, it can only get better the more you disengage from this cloud he's putting over you. 1
Author Devastated77 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Posted October 1, 2017 I just want him to get out of my head. I want this stupid spark of hope to go away. Who the hell moves on that quick after 17 years???? I cant even bear the thought of being with someone else. Goes to show I loved and cared alot more than he ever did.
CeciliaCylara Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 I just want him to get out of my head. I want this stupid spark of hope to go away. Who the hell moves on that quick after 17 years???? I cant even bear the thought of being with someone else. Goes to show I loved and cared alot more than he ever did. That makes you better! That makes you NORMAL! Grieving a long-term relationship is normal. What he's doing is NOT NORMAL! Kick that fool the curb from your life. You deserve so much better and plenty of men would flock to you because you're a normal human being who's cares and knows how to love. You're free from him! Woo!
Author Devastated77 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Posted October 1, 2017 That makes you better! That makes you NORMAL! Grieving a long-term relationship is normal. What he's doing is NOT NORMAL! Kick that fool the curb from your life. You deserve so much better and plenty of men would flock to you because you're a normal human being who's cares and knows how to love. You're free from him! Woo! Lol. Wooo. I REALLY want to get to the Woo phrase of this. I am so done with him being in my bloody head. Is it normal to hope she rejects him/cheats on him/bites his dick off??? Im exhausted. I still think i might need to go to a clinic for a few days. The suicidal thoughts are still there which I know isnt normal.
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 So today my ex tells me he's interested in someone else WHY are you allowing him to talk to you at all?? I'm sorry but it's not life that's kicking your arse right now, it's you kicking your own arse, because you keep on talking to him! You KNOW he is a jerk. You KNOW it's bad for you to keep on talking to him. Yet you keep on talking to him. There is only one person who can make this better: YOU.
Author Devastated77 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Posted October 1, 2017 WHY are you allowing him to talk to you at all?? I'm sorry but it's not life that's kicking your arse right now, it's you kicking your own arse, because you keep on talking to him! You KNOW he is a jerk. You KNOW it's bad for you to keep on talking to him. Yet you keep on talking to him. There is only one person who can make this better: YOU. He isn't now. He cut off all forms of communication Saturday. I haven't contacted him since then and I wont. I am just hurting so much. I miss him every day. The toll its taking on my health is huge. My brain doesnt stop giving me GOOD memories. Like its trying to torture me.
Author Devastated77 Posted October 2, 2017 Author Posted October 2, 2017 So. Day 3 of full NC. I very nearly attempted suicide last night. Everything just took its toll completely. I feel destroyed. Empty. So tired. I'm back at my docs today to see if she can switch my antidepressants. Clearly mine are not working. I am so bloody beyond tired of thinking of this person. He's moved on. Every day is easy for him whilst every day gets harder for me. Thats my penance for loving and caring way too much. I recognise I must get better now or i will end up dead. My brain, my God. It just does not shut off! It pisses me off royally that no one has held this prick accountable for everything, especially the cruel way he ended it and everything that has come after it. Jeez I hope Karma is real. I even looked up ECT therapy last night, lol. Believe it or not, they still do it! ANYTHING that will help me stop hurting and thinking is what I need now. There's clearly something very wrong with me to be this ****ed up.
Recommended Posts