Devastated once again

[Devastated77]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted on these forums 4 years ago when my partner of 13 years broke up with me out of the blue. After months of tears, pain and agony, he came back and I (stupidly now, I think) took him back.

 

Fast forward 4 years and he has done it again. We were getting along ok, had our share of arguments but nothing major, like any couple. He was under pressure from work and some other things, and I guess seeing me (we don't live together) was too much. He literally went from one day texting me "Good morning, beautiful" to the next day saying things don't work and it had to end.

 

I was completely blindsided and in shock. When he came back last time, he promised he would never do that again as he knew the chaos and pain and damage it caused. Yet here I am, going through it again. Only this time, it feels even worse and he seems to be more determined and hateful than ever.

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago. At first, he said it was his fault and he was sorry. We kept in contact on and off over the past 3 weeks, had sex once (bad mistake on my part I know), and I finally wrote him an email last wednesday saying everything I had to say and that I hope his life gets better and he finds his happiness. I also put in some memories of us and said I don't regret any time with him and I will always love and miss him.

 

The next day, he messaged me saying he wanted to reply to the email. By this point, I had had enough of text and emails and said no, if you want to respond please treat me like a human and see me. So he did. The same stuff ensued from him - he loves me but he's not in love with me, then he said he IS in love with me but he thought that if he said that, I would hate him and it would make it easier for me. Alot of tears (on my part) happened and I begged him to come back to me. He said no. We left it as he would take a month to get himself together. The next day, I text him "Hi" (we had agreed to keep in touch) and he said "I don't want to talk". I said "tell me what I did wrong and I will leave you alone". He said "You haven't." I stopped texting.

 

Then I was shown a post he had put on Facebook prior to our meeting that he had blocked me from seeing (we were still FB friends) that eluded to me in a sexist, mean way. I didn't tell him I had seen it, didn't contact him at all.

 

Fast forward to last night (sorry, this is turning into a novel), and he changes his relationship status on FB. One thing we agreed on was if either of us met anyone, we would tell the other. So I asked him about it. And a HUGE fight ensued. It was basically everything - money, how he's acting, everything. At the end I said I would tell his family how down he is because I am worried he will hurt himself. He stopped talking.

 

This morning, I wake up to find he has unfriended me and all of my family on FB. It really hurt. ALOT. I felt as if all the progress I have done on myself to date just unravelled in one hit. I texted him and asked why, he said he's sick of arguing, sick of me, sick of talking to me, wants nothing to do with me. I said I am not texting you for that. I just wanted to let you know I slept on it and I am not going to tell your family as long as you promise me that if you ever need anyone to talk to, you contact me. We have been in each other's lives for 18 years and were great friends for a year before we got together. He said ok. Then he said I'm sorry I am a c**t. I said you're not, you're just going through a really bad time. That was the last message.

 

I am in a living nightmare. I am completely gutted. I feel like I have just screwed up my very last chance of him ever coming back by fighting with him. Everyone is telling me to stay away from him, that he has done this twice and I deserve better, but I love this man with all my heart. The thought of never seeing or hearing from him again sends me into hysterical crying.

 

Can anyone tell me what their thoughts are? Do I have a chance still? Do I even want to go back to this in case he does it again? Has anyone gotten back with their ex after they've been unfriended?

 

Anyone's opinions are welcome, I feel like I am drowning here. :(

[PegNosePete]

Everyone is telling me to stay away from him, that he has done this twice and I deserve better

"Everyone" is right. You need to stay away from him. He has done it to you twice, and even if he takes you back, how long before he does it a 3rd time, 4th time 5th time? Maybe you will "keep" him for a month, a year, 5 years, but you will be here once again with the same story. You deserve better.

 

Do I have a chance still?

A chance of what? Getting him back? Sure. Keeping him back? ... probably not. As I said above it's just a matter of time until he does the same thing a 3rd time.

 

A chance of long-term happiness? YES! And the best way to achieve that is to go NC with this guy. It will be painful at first but once you have got over him, you will be much happier.

[Devastated77]

Thanks for your reply, PegNosePete.

I know you're right. NC definitely seems to be the way to go on this one. I guess when you spend 17 years with someone, it's really tough to let them go.

He might come back, yes...he's done it before. But this time I know for my own sanity that I have to be strong enough to say no. After he unfriended me this morning, I was in such a state that I sat down and wrote goodbye letters to him and a few others...I just couldnt see a way forward without him. I want to feel better, in a place where I dont care if he contacts me or not. I know this will take time, I dont have alot of friends to support me so its extra hard. And I've been blamin g myself alot for the whole thing - if we didnt argue, we wouldnt have broken up. But i cant change that now. I need to find me again. Find out who I am without him and realise there's more to life than him.

[Maldives]

I think there is a big lesson for all of us here from ur experience. Never can trust someone who walks away from u. U just cannot trust a dumper they've done it once and they'll do it again. My ex wife did this came back short loved tho and then wanted a divorce. I know it's hard but at least do not make it easy for him to come back make him really work for it

[Devastated77]

Hey Goodguy05,

 

Thanks for replying. Seeing people reply on here makes me feel like there are people who care.

 

Yes a huge lesson and warning for everyone. Be 100% sure if you take someone back after they completely destroy your life. I really should have known better. If I had, I would be in such a better place now.

 

I've gone completely NC. He is still on my fb messenger and still on text, but I have used neither and I wont. I dont want to be hurt anymore than I already have been.

 

Ive been looking up mental health clinics to go to possibly. After how close I got to giving in today and ending it (writing goodbye letters and such), I realise if I dont do something to help myself, I'll end up finishing my life in the coming months

. Which would be a total waste considering it wouldn't affect him in the slightest - he would probably be relieved.

[Maldives]

Hey Goodguy05,

 

Thanks for replying. Seeing people reply on here makes me feel like there are people who care.

 

Yes a huge lesson and warning for everyone. Be 100% sure if you take someone back after they completely destroy your life. I really should have known better. If I had, I would be in such a better place now.

 

I've gone completely NC. He is still on my fb messenger and still on text, but I have used neither and I wont. I dont want to be hurt anymore than I already have been.

 

Ive been looking up mental health clinics to go to possibly. After how close I got to giving in today and ending it (writing goodbye letters and such), I realise if I dont do something to help myself, I'll end up finishing my life in the coming months

. Which would be a total waste considering it wouldn't affect him in the slightest - he would probably be relieved.

 

 

 

We /i care I really do that's why we get dumped because we do. As my friend said because iv had thoughts like that no woman or guy is worth doing something like that over. Make sure u do whatever u can thru these 1st few mths to get u thru there the worst and then it gets easier. Look at me I have to work wth my ex and have watched her now date 2 work colleagues rubbed it right in my face u think she cares I doubt it she's pretty selfish and shallow mines a long story and I've written about it on here but let's just say she's that selfish she's left and given up her kids for lifestyle not her choice her ex won a custody battle but definatley her choice to stay here and not be wth her kids trust me speaks volumes so if I've managed to handle that and btw we were together 6 yrs u can definatly get thru this. Just think of my situation and try and imagine that and how painful that is. Imagine some one who u thought who loved u do this. These dumpers are never who they claim to be they're full of bs.

 

So if I can survive and btw I'm still there I have no choice I have bills to pay and survive u can too sweetie it's just those 1st couple mths that r the toughest. It's awful for me and continues to be but it's stretched me and tought me some real survival lessons. Hopefully i I found a way out of this I encourage u to read my thread it's all explained in there. Please hang in there and check in wth people here in this community we do care we share in ur pain we been there some of us like me even worse off. Hang in there

Edited September 18, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Redhead14]

Do I even want to go back to this in case he does it again? -- The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

 

And, if you do get back with him, you will likely find yourself walking on eggshells all the time for fear of him doing it again which, in itself, will help kill it again anyway. It's a very uncomfortable and stressful way to live life.

 

Move on. Close this chapter of your life. Block,delete ignore him for your own well-being.

[wildirishchick]

I'm SO sorry that you're going through this. 18 years is a LONG time to get over. As badly as I know you are hurting, ending your life over him is NOT the answer. Stay strong!! Take care of yourself!! Get the help you need!! Thinking of you during this horribly painful time. ❤❤❤

[Devastated77]

So I have a little bit of an update for you guys and need some advice.

 

I log onto Facebook last night, and he has now removed every single friend of mine that he had on there. It hit me like a punch in the gut again. It's like every single day, he is looking for yet another way to rid all traces of me from his life. I am so tired of being hurt.

 

I am thinking of blocking him on there. I dont want to be petty, and I did offer to be there for him. But I just cant go through this anymore. I'm constantly checking his profile (what I can see of it anyway since he unfriended me) and checking to see if he has messaged me. Its not even been a month yet but I still check to see if hes changed his relationship status to in a relationship (he tried moving on quite quickly last time so its a possibility), and I know it will completely gut me when that does change.

 

Im back to getting no sleep and feeling sick every morning. I have no idea what happened to him. 4 weeks ago he was calling me beautiful and telling me how much he loves me. Now its nothing but hatred and this awful behaviour. I knew he was under alot of pressure and we had argued a fair bit about how he wasnt putting enough effort into the relationship. If i had known what would have happened, I would have just shut my mouth and ridden out the storm.

 

So is it worth blocking him? Im doing it more for me than him. He has my number, he can text me if needed (which I will have to do later down the track anyway as I have a car at his house that will need to be moved). Im just so tired of hurting and being on edge as to what will come next. Hes acting like I broke up with Him!

 

What do you guys think?

[Captivating]

It is so heart wrenching to read your thoughts, this possibly resonates with most of us.

I'm sorry that you are in pain !

 

You are still wrapped up emotionally, your feelings are still in the past loving him....not being updated by current events. Your brain is in autopilot following your heart ... begging and pleading. (you would never do this with a clear mind)

Then in a couple of weeks later you start to see the things more clearly "wait a minute, what just happened ??"

 

My recommendation would be to stay away from him. No contact would be a great tool for self-preservation and healing.

You need to gain a clear mind to start seeing things more objectively.

I know it is not easy to move on, you have been together for a long time.

[Dis]

Devastated,

 

I'm so sorry for your pain but I have to wonder where you lost your head along this crazy ride...

 

Here you are kicking yourself for ruining a last chance to be with this guy. If I were in your shoes... I wouldnt want anything to do with a guy like that

 

He made a mean, sexist comment about you on social media, he broke up with you four years ago, he breaks up with you again, he doesnt care about your feelings during the break up...

 

So.. what is the appeal here?

 

One thing that really irks me is when the dumpee checks their ex's social media, continues to text them, continues to have sex with them...only to be degraded. I dont get it. If someone doesnt want you and/or treats you poorly, you walk away with your head held high

 

I dont want you to think I'm saying all this in a negative way, I just want to wake you up a bit

 

Block him, E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E and be done

 

If you want someone to stop stabbing you in the back, stop handing them the knife (which is what you're doing)

 

Keep posting, we're all here for you

[Freesia120]

Devastated, I'm so sorry to hear this, reading your post made me so sad. I'm glad you acknowledge that you need help, please look into that as soon as you can. As painful as it is remember any harm you cause yourself, he'll still go on with his life. You may have given him too much credit and maybe he's not as stable as you think he is. Many people walk around bottling stuff inside themselves and one day they just snap. Surround yourself with close friends and family who love and care for you.

 

I recently went through a breakup and the red flags were him going silent on me three weeks straight after a petty argument, no text, no call and then saying he was giving me a break and then acting as though nothing happened. There are always signs but we ignore them, as hard as this is for me I decided to start NC again today for my sanity.

 

Post as much as you can and will be here to encourage you. Start by doing little things that make you smile, take it one day at a time.

[Devastated77]

Hi Disillusionment373,

 

I guess the only way for me to explain it is he was my other half for 17 years. That's a huge amount of time and I am starting to realise that I cared and loved too much and he was the opposite.

 

The online "stalking"...ugh. I feel so pathetic when I do it. Like, why do I even want to see what this person does next to hurt me? Am I TRYING to hurt myself even more? That's why I came to the conclusion of blocking him. I doubt very much whether he will even notice, but it's not about him. It's about me and protecting me and my feelings now, what's left of them.

 

Because he came back last time, at first I started to hope that he would again. But as each day passes, I see that he wont. I won't lie, there's still a tiny spark in me that will always hope. I think everyone has that! But for my own sake, I NEED to get to a stage where I no longer care if he does or doesnt. I NEED to learn to hate him so that these stupid sappy feelings and memories of the good times all go away. I am so tired of my own head.

 

I know if I'm completely honest he isnt good for me. I know I cannot take him back a 3rd time if he tried to come back. I am just struggling so hard to understand how he can just forget the past 17 years and switch within 24 hours! And how he can be so cruel as to the things he has done. Did I mean nothing? How the hell do you just stop loving and caring about someone after that long???

 

I have to wait til tomorrow to block him on fb (i test blocked then unblocked, stupid 48 hour rule!). But i know i will do it because im just so tired of him trying to delete me from his life completely.

 

One hiccup - I have a car at his house. Ive found somewhere else to store it but cant do it for at least 2 weeks. Any tips on how to handle the communication with him then? He will have to be there in order for me to get it. Im HOPING in a couple of weeks I will at least care a bit less so that I dont burst into tears. But do I be nice? Indifferent? Do I even text him first to meet him at his or just go there? And before anyone else has this suggestion, unfortunately I have no one else who can go and do it for me.

[Freesia120]

@Disillusionment373 :

One thing that really irks me is when the dumpee checks their ex's social media, continues to text them, continues to have sex with them...only to be degraded. I dont get it. If someone doesnt want you and/or treats you poorly, you walk away with your head held high

 

It depends on where you are at in life. I for one never thought I would be sticking it out when some dude started getting arrogant or acting shady with me. I couldn't take that mess in my twenties but I guess you grow older and start thinking you need to be more understanding, more patient with people in a relationship since you are more mature. We all have expectations to be in a solid, happy relationship at some point in life.

 

It takes a while for some folks to realize they have a joker as a partner and that would explain why the back and forth, also when you haven't dealt with narcs and partners with personality disorders you feel like you are the one acting crazy while it's them that are insane.

My most recent r/ship was with a narc who mainly communicated through actions and assumptions. I thank God it took me 2 months to see through him, if my self esteem was below average I would imagine I would have taken a lot longer to come to my senses and suffered through this.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Freesia120

[Been]

I'm very sorry you have to go through this- I know it is painful and canbe difficult to go through.

I agree with what people say: You can never fully trust someone that just breaks up with you instead of trying to work through the problems.

Even if you attempt to take them back in the back of your mind you will always worry about them leaving for whatever reason.

Your used to him being a part of your life for a very long time and its hard to have someone that used to be such a part of your life all of the sudden not be in your life.

But ask yourself what you have to look forward to if you got back together? When the relationship hit a snag when would he break up with you? A month? A couple of years ? And you would worry that if you argued or had a disagreement he would leave so you would appease him and that's not a relationship.

Your stronger then you think you just don't realize it yet. You deserve to have someone that's going to be there for you ALL the time not when it suits them.

[Devastated77]

I know I could never trust him again. He told me he was "scared" of me whenever I got angry during an argument. I said I was sorry that he felt that way but I couldn't understand why. I said "aren't I allowed to be angry?" He said of course you are. So i really dont get what he was trying to say.

 

I think a big part of why I feel so gutted and hurt and helpless is because I have taken alot of the blame for our issues, both from him and from myself. I think that's why I can't seem to get angry, because I feel most of it is my fault because I nagged him about the fact I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship. He wasnt putting in enough effort. I keep thinking "if only I hadnt argued with him so much". Clearly I have very low self esteem. I know that but it doesnt help to stop the self blaming.

[PegNosePete]

is it worth blocking him?

Rephrase this question. Is it worth NOT blocking him? What exactly is the benefit of keeping him unblocked? And all of his friends and family etc?

 

One hiccup - I have a car at his house. Ive found somewhere else to store it but cant do it for at least 2 weeks. Any tips on how to handle the communication with him then? He will have to be there in order for me to get it. Im HOPING in a couple of weeks I will at least care a bit less so that I dont burst into tears. But do I be nice? Indifferent? Do I even text him first to meet him at his or just go there?

You text him to make sure he is in. You act in a totally business like manner. Do not talk about anything other than the business at hand (collecting the car). Do not use any emotional language or ask how he is or anything else. Do not go in for a cup of tea or a catch up. Just say "I need to collect the car, are you in tonight?" And when you get there say "thanks, I have to be somewhere, bye".

[Devastated77]

Yes. This is it. I really dont want to talk to him about anything else. Im done talking. All he does is hurt me every time he opens his mouth anyway. Im just worried when i contact him he will be a complete dick about it and not let me come get it.

 

I literally cannot wait to block him now. Damn 48 hour rule! Ijust want him out of my head.

[hgriffin17]

You must go NC.

 

It's the best way to approach this.

 

He doesn't like you at all at the moment so if you keep talking to him, it'll only get worse. So you need to leave him alone and you must move on from your life. Think about it this way. If you go NC, it'll give you the best chance to reconcile but more importantly you'll be taking the steps to move on. So maybe once he does come back, you'll be stronger, more grounded, less jaded, and ultimately be able to make a more rational decision on what you want. It's a win win situation.

 

It's always hard when we love someone. But sometimes we must let go of the people we love. It's just a lesson in life we have to learn.

[Devastated77]

Another update for you all.

 

I literally had my phone in my hand ready to block him this morning - and he messages me! Asking about my health and saying good luck (i was supposed to have a medical procedure done today). I thanked him and said it has been moved to Saturday. Thanks for checking in. Expecting that would be it but he kept talking, asking for details about the procedure etc. I briefed him on it, managed to get the car thing sorted, and he was the last one to text. I didnt reply after.

 

Now what?! Do i wait to block him since i have to see him for the car? Am i going to look like a bitch if i do it now since he was nice enough to ask about my health (mind you, its more guilt i think, as its almost certain I have a stress related ulcer)?

 

Why does this universe hate me

[Redhead14]

Another update for you all.

 

I literally had my phone in my hand ready to block him this morning - and he messages me! Asking about my health and saying good luck (i was supposed to have a medical procedure done today). I thanked him and said it has been moved to Saturday. Thanks for checking in. Expecting that would be it but he kept talking, asking for details about the procedure etc. I briefed him on it, managed to get the car thing sorted, and he was the last one to text. I didnt reply after.

 

Now what?! Do i wait to block him since i have to see him for the car? Am i going to look like a bitch if i do it now since he was nice enough to ask about my health (mind you, its more guilt i think, as its almost certain I have a stress related ulcer)?

 

Why does this universe hate me

 

You take care of the car situation with him and then you tell him that you feel it's best if you two don't speak to or see one another again. You want to move forward from all of this and that would be difficult if you maintain contact of any kind. Then you block, delete, ignore FOREVER.

 

Am i going to look like a bitch -- First of all, it doesn't matter what he thinks you look like. If your motivation is to be a bitch, then that's what it's about. If your motivation is to protect yourself and allow yourself to move forward without any further stressing over this situation,

then that's what it is about.

 

No contact, blocking and deleting is for you to move on, period. How that is perceived by someone else is their problem, not yours.

[Devastated77]

So. I found out today that he's been in contact with the girl he tried to sleep with 4 years ago when he did this.

I blocked him immediately.

I still have to go on monday to his about the car. But i no longer care about looking like a bitch by blocking him. I no longer feel the need to be friendly on monday. Im getting there, doing my **** and leaving.

I honestly did not think he could do anything further to hurt me. I was wrong again. After 17 years, we have been broken up less than a month and he moves on.

Heartbroken doesnt even begin to describe how I am feeling.

[PegNosePete]

It is a blessing in disguise that he is treating you so badly. It will make the process of blocking him and moving on with your life that little bit easier.

 

He is now well and truly knocked off the pedestal you placed him on. Although it's not a pleasant feeling right now, it's a good thing in the long run.

 

Good luck with the car. Yes just say I'm here for the car, go get it, and drive off. No need for ANY more talk. Don't get angry with him and don't confront or question him about this other woman. It will just turn into a fight and you will be more hurt.

[Devastated77]

Hi everyone.

 

So I went and got the car yesterday whilst he wasnt home. I left a photo of us together at his in case he wanted it. Then I deactivated facebook. I've had to text him today as I cant find the spare key to the car. He replied saying he will look. Ive told him i deactivated and that it is not aimed at him, I just need a break.

Of course I didnt tell him its about him, essentially...i just cant keep looking at his profile even though he unfriended me, and seeing him online in messenger and not talking to me just guts me. I needed to do it so i could try to start to heal.

Is starting NC after a month of being broken up already too late to see if he will miss me? My main aim with NC is actually to get to a point of not caring if he contacts me or not. But I have to admit that there's also a part of me that wants to see if it will make him miss me and reach out at all. I'm having a HUGE amount of trouble grasping the fact that he can move on with his life and be totally fine after having me around for 17 years. Right now, I would love the chance to show him things could be different in terms of having a new relationship where we dont argue and can have fun again. But he really is a different person at the moment. When I saw him monday, he was so cold. Said he misses me every day but is just going to force himself to get over me.

 

Why can guys do this? CAN they even force themselves to get over someone they have been with for so long?

 

Im feeling very lonely and down, any replies would be awesome please.

[Buriall]

Hi everyone.

 

So I went and got the car yesterday whilst he wasnt home. I left a photo of us together at his in case he wanted it. Then I deactivated facebook. I've had to text him today as I cant find the spare key to the car. He replied saying he will look. Ive told him i deactivated and that it is not aimed at him, I just need a break.

Of course I didnt tell him its about him, essentially...i just cant keep looking at his profile even though he unfriended me, and seeing him online in messenger and not talking to me just guts me. I needed to do it so i could try to start to heal.

Is starting NC after a month of being broken up already too late to see if he will miss me? My main aim with NC is actually to get to a point of not caring if he contacts me or not. But I have to admit that there's also a part of me that wants to see if it will make him miss me and reach out at all. I'm having a HUGE amount of trouble grasping the fact that he can move on with his life and be totally fine after having me around for 17 years. Right now, I would love the chance to show him things could be different in terms of having a new relationship where we dont argue and can have fun again. But he really is a different person at the moment. When I saw him monday, he was so cold. Said he misses me every day but is just going to force himself to get over me.

 

Why can guys do this? CAN they even force themselves to get over someone they have been with for so long?

 

Im feeling very lonely and down, any replies would be awesome please.

 

 

I know how it's like to be lonely so I ll give my two cents..

 

At the end of the day no matter what they don't want to be with us.. We didn't choose to throw in the towel and give up like just like that. You've spent 17 years with this person.. And I've been with one for not even 2 years. I can imagine the **** you're going through right now.. And I'm sorry that you had to feel this pain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy..

 

From now own you must look out for your own happiness.. Look after yourself for once you know.. Take it day by day, there is nothing you can do to change things now.. Accept that it didn't turn out to be how you wanted. If you really want your partner to be truly happy let them go even if it means not being together anymore.. Wish them well and look after yourself. I hope this helps a bit at least..