TooManyFeels Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Just entered into a committed relationship with a guy I've been dating for 1 month. However there is a slight red flag and I just want other people's opinions on this. He says most, if not all, of his friends are females. One in particular, is his regular hiking buddy. He is planning on taking a 2 day trip with her in 2 weeks and this is something he has done with her pretty often for a couple years now I think. This means they spend the night together in a tent alone. Now, I have seen her, and pardon me for saying this but she isn't necessarily feminine looking (however he has made a comment in the past about how he likes women who are buff which I am not). He also made a comment about how they "could never be together because we would clash so much our personalities are so different." but still...its making me worry. And this is just ONE of his female friends. Sometimes I'll look over to see who he's texting and it'll be a female because I'll see her picture next to their conversation. He has not given me a reason to not trust him yet, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, since he does seem like an honest genuine guy. However I wonder if he would be too keen on me hanging out with my guy friends for a few hours without him, or god forbid, overnight in a tent somewhere. What are your thoughts on this? (By the way I don't go hiking with him because he does extreme sport hiking, like hiking 40 miles a day or scaling large 200 ft cliff mountains, its just not my thing).
preraph Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 you really only talked about the one hiking buddy that he's known for 2 years or so. She sounds like just a friend. I mean if anything was going to happen there was nothing to stop them this past two years. So nothing probably going to happen. Does he bring them around you or does he hide them from you? If he brings them around you stop worrying about them unless you detect that one of them is flirtatious with him. If he is hiding any of them that might be a little more reason for concern if you're sure he's hiding them. Otherwise it just sounds like established friendships and I don't believe in making people end their friendships. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 How old are you and what stage of life are you in? The reason I ask is because these things typically take care of themselves. 8 years ago, I had a bunch of female friends. Now I have almost close to zero. A lot of times it happens that way when people get married and especially have kids. In your 20s, it's almost impossible to avoid having friends of the opposite sex...
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 It wouldn't work for me. If it was so early on in the relationship, I would also find it easier to cut my losses at this point. I'd tell him I accepted his decision to do it, but he would have to accept the fact I didn't want to date him anymore because of it. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were going away for a couple of days shacking up in a tent with another guy, would he be ok with that? I doubt it. Boundaries change when you are a relationship because you have to consider your partner's feelings. The fact he isn't doesn't make him sound very considerate about your feelings. Another thing, if these are the sorts of things he does with all his friends (who just happen to all be female) you can expect more of this sort of thing. If you brush it off once, he will expect it to be ok every time. That is why I wouldn't bother. However, that isn't up to me to decide, that is completely up to you. 1
PegNosePete Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) most, if not all, of his friends are females I would be asking him, why is that? It seems that the hobby he enjoys, extreme hiking and climbing, would interest plenty of guys. It seems very strange to me that he has all female friends. For me, this would be as much, if not more of a red flag as a day's camping in a tent. When someone only has opposite-sex friends, you have to ask, why can't be befriend his own gender? And how many of these female friends has he dated int he past? Boundaries change when you are a relationship because you have to consider your partner's feelings. The fact he isn't doesn't make him sound very considerate about your feelings. Yes, but OP has just entered into a relationship with a guy she's been dating 1 month. IMO it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to cancel his plans, which have probably been in place for longer than they've been dating, the instant he becomes exclusive. Yes boundaries change but that doesn't mean you leave your mates high and dry as soon as you say "yes" to exclusivity. This one incident, which has probably been arranged for longer than OP has even known her BF, I wouldn't sweat too much. The above fact about all female friends... definitely something to keep an eye on. I don't think this will be an isolated incident, and THAT is a problem. Edited September 18, 2017 by PegNosePete
Logo Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 These female friends of his, do they know of each other's existence? Does he ever hang out with them all as a group? If not, that would be a red flag for me. How do you feel about this: Tell him you'd like to get to know his friends. Ask him if he can round them all up for a get together like a barbecue or a drink at a bar. See what happens. 1
LurkerXX Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) Maybe normally I would take pause. But I am a backpacker, and he sounds like he is more on the extreme end of it, so it is sort of a niche interest where it is hard to find suitable hiking buddies, and groups may tend to get impractical, with small backcountry sites, and potential for stragglers (it would be like me trying to play tennis with my pro-am level cousin....it would fun for neither of us). Are all his women friends in this sport? Or are they from a variety of backgrounds? To me it is more of an issue if he has no male friends, and whether the female friends are former exes or people crushing on him. Not a deal breaker yet, but definitely something to pay attention to. Edited September 18, 2017 by LurkerXX
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