true26 Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Okay. Where to start? About ten years ago I dated this man. He was not married at the time, either was I. After a very intense 5-6 months of dating he disappeared off the face of the earth. I have to admit that my life was turned upside down and I was beside myself with worry for him. I thought that this was the man I was going to marry, which now seems absurd I suppose after the short time we dated. Fast foward ten years. I am unhappily married to a different man. I figured life has to move on, no? I have thought of MM on an almost daily basis for the last ten years. I decided to write a short note and send to his last known address. He IM's me a couple days later and calls me the next day. I will admit that when we spoke it was as if all this time had not elapsed and we were totally comfortable with each other. Come to find out he told me that when we had dated previously that it was the beginning of his mental health issues. States that he has received exstensive therapy and has a better handle on his condition. He said he had thought of me as well on an almost daily basis and that the fact that the level of comfort that he feels with me confirms for him that it is me that he should have been with this whole time. He is married. I am married. I am not at all proud of this emotional affair that we have had. I was a coward to hurt my husband this way. My husband does know. He asked me for honesty and I gave him that. I think sometimes though that he wishes he had not asked for complete honesty. We have seen each other in person as well a handfull of times and we have kissed but we did not sleep together. So, now MM has had another bout of "down" with his bi-polar and I don't know what to think. I could go on and on with what has transpired over the last few months. I guess I am interested to know if anyone else has dated someone with bi-polar and what their experience was. I also would like to hear people's take on the situation. Not that it isn't a decision that only I can make, but sometimes outside opinions can be more objective.
RecordProducer Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person’s mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months. Bipolar disorder affects more than two million adult Americans. It usually begins in late adolescence (often appearing as depression during teen years) although it can start in early childhood or later in life. An equal number of men and women develop this illness (men tend to begin with a manic episode, women with a depressive episode) and it is found among all ages, races, ethnic groups and social classes. The illness tends to run in families and appears to have a genetic link. Like depression and other serious illnesses, bipolar disorder can also negatively affect spouses and partners, family members, friends and coworkers. Thereare lots of information online. The reason why your relationship was so intense and good is because he was in his manic phase. My boyfriend was married to a bi-polar (manic-depressive) woman. They are still friends. She doesn't ask for professional help and she takes amphetamins and smokes pot so her illness has progressed with time and is now very severe and difficult to deal with.
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Unfortunately for you, you won't like my advice. This man is married and so are you, he is bipolar and yes, it can be controlled with the right drug and therapy, but his life is UP and DOWN, a rollercoaster ride most of the time. DO you really want to add that into your life and also be part of the cause that could make his BP worse? If you are unhappy with the man you married, divorce him and find somebody new, start over. I think it's unfair after all that time that you contacted him. Think of your husband and his wife. Imagine the s*** she's had to deal with over the years and honestly - She should get a medal for staying with him and probably helping him through his hard times... Hey, all those years ago, he walked out of your life .... Just disappeared...Why didn't he tell you back then? To not say a word or even break up with you is just plain s***ty! My suggestion is either end your marriage or head to marriage counselling with your husband...And don't get involved with BP MM. That is an explosion, worse than you'd ever wanna know and see, just waiting to happen.
Author true26 Posted August 14, 2005 Author Posted August 14, 2005 Recordproducer-I also have done research since finding out about his diagnosis. The hard part of that is my logic says "Whoa, get off this train.", but my heart is somewhat consumed by him. Whichway-I appreciate your honesty. I also believe his wife deserves a medal. I have thought about what they have been through together and know that she is a good person for her tolerance of what she has dealt with. He will say that fundementally she is a good person, but he is not is love with her. But, that is their relationship and his to deal with. As far as my marriage, I have asked my husband for a seperation and he flat out refuses. He is fearful that if he moves out that I will never let him back in. I guess he is right. I take my responsibility for my weaknesses in the marriage and whatever was my fault. I just wish that the last two years when I flat out told him that I was unhappy and we were going to end up divorced he didn't just blow me off. It's very painful to have someone in your life that is supposed to love you treat you like garbage. Causes much anger and resentment. I don't know how to get to a place where I can even see myself being okay with going to counseling with him.
RecordProducer Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup 1. DO you really want to add that into your life and also be part of the cause that could make his BP worse? 2. She should get a medal for staying with him and probably helping him through his hard times... 3. Hey, all those years ago, he walked out of your life .... Just disappeared...Why didn't he tell you back then? To not say a word or even break up with you is just plain s***ty! 4. And don't get involved with BP MM. That is an explosion, worse than you'd ever wanna know and see, just waiting to happen. 1. Actually, people with bipolar disorder benefit from any emotional support they could get from people they trust. The questions is: is she ready to give him the support he needs? If she loves him that much, she should be able to cope with all the problems it brings. But she shouldn't give him hopes that she is his friend and then walk away as soon as she senses problems. There will be many problems. True, if you think you're not going to be able to take them on your back, it's best for him if you just walk away. Otherwise he will expect help from you and be very disappointed when you don't give it to him. Bipolar people are prone to suicidal intentions as well. 2. You don't know that, WWIU. Maybe she hasn't been supportive at all. Maybe she has been a bitch to him. 3. It's not his fault. His mental illness was not his choice and is not his character flaw whatsoever. He walked away because he felt the depressive phase. That's what bipolar people do. They are unreliable. They love you one day, hate you another... if you can accept that as their mental state and not their features, maybe you could help them. I honestly don't know if there's future for the two of you. But you need to understand that it's a brain chemical that ruins his behavior, not his personality. 4. It's her decision to decide on whether she wants to get involved or not once she learns the bad sides of his illness.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Have you spoken to a lawyer about your legal options in terms of ending the marriage? If you are at a point where you don't want to consider counseling, then what would be the point of doing so if its something you don't really want to do? Counseling works in many cases, but sometimes you just reach a point where there really would be no point in it and its time for the marriage to end. If you have thought it out, and find that all you want is 'out' - then pick up the phone and get some legal counsel. You are only as trapped in this situation as you allow yourself to be. As for the MM - you are doing yourself no favors by sticking with this guy. It sounds like your interest in him is largely in reaction to your unhappiness in your own marriage - and you don't run to this guy, so much as you are using it as a way to run away from an unhappy marriage. Work on yourself first. Tell MM that you have to get your life straight (no point in going into any details with him) and that you need some uninterrupted and unbiased 'no contact' time to put your head and heart together and take care of your business. Don't worry about feeling bad leaving him hanging. He left you hanging for ten years. Get some legal and emotional counsel to help you with your 'ending' - and try to work your feet back under you. As you grow stronger, you will begin to see more clearly that this 'great love and passion' was more a case of you reading that into a situation in which the guy was really just a crutch for the things you felt was missing in your life. You don't miss him - what you miss is having a man feel as good as you think he makes you feel. Take a break from men for right now. Figure out what it is you want, and work on being able to find those things within yourself and then you'll be ready for actual love instead of settling for such a horrible mess that wears love's mask.
newbby Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 he has probably had a very long struggle with his illness and it is good that he has a handle on it now, however, he still has it and as with any kind of mental illness it is exacerbated by stress. the danger for you is that this could be another manic episode that is beginning now and from what i understand of it, manic depressives tend to really create drama and excitment in this phase and be extremely rash and impulsive. however, when he goes through his low period he may well crave the comfort and familiarity of the woman he is married to. these kind off mm/ow relationships are difficult anyway because of the complications, uncertainty and blaming any problems or lack of needs fulfilled on the fact that the other person is married and therefore confused or unable to give. with a mental illness on top of that, there are only more complications. i agree that before you get any hopes up for this man, you need to sort out your own life, if you feel that your marriage is well and truly over, then leave him and make your own life as an independent woman. sort yourself out so that you are happy and explain to the mm that this is what you are doing. if he really does believe his own marriage to be over then he needs to do the same, on his own and without the promise of somebody waiting for him at the end of it. it is also alot for you to take on, without really knowing what a true relationship with him will be like. i would suggest to not embark on a relationship unless you are both happily single.
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