Chica80 Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 Going through a divorce, followed by an unhealthy relationship. What does "healthy" dating look like? Recently started dating casually. Maybe the answer is I'm not ready. I feel totally out of my element. Unsure of things. I realize that part of my issues are I tend to get super attached early on. Trying to take things slow not rush in to another relationship. But what's the balance between being interested in someone and going too quickly. There is one guy, we've gone out a couple times. I really like him, but am constantly in my head. Logically, I tell myself a "healthy" relationship should take time develop. Get to know eachother. If he is interested he will make lots of contact, text or want to see me. But that was what I did previously, The constant texting seeing eachother sex......but those did not lead to healthy dynamics. And I feel like saying just forget it. No dating because I only know how to do unhealthy. Maybe I'm just not healthy and never will be. I guess my question is: What are internal perceived "red flags" what are true red flags. How the hell do I get out of my head and relax. What's the balance between slow steady or enmeshment? 1
Miss Spider Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 It's a difficult question to answer because there is not one answer that fits all. Healthy relationships come in all different styles. It's what works for both individuals. It's what makes them happy and their lives more fulfilling with each other. You have to find what works for you and someone that compliments it 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 Going through a divorce, followed by an unhealthy relationship. What does "healthy" dating look like? Recently started dating casually. Maybe the answer is I'm not ready. I feel totally out of my element. Unsure of things. I realize that part of my issues are I tend to get super attached early on. Trying to take things slow not rush in to another relationship. But what's the balance between being interested in someone and going too quickly. You may not be emotionally ready to date. You seem to be somewhat aware of this. I believe that if you are not in the proper, emotional, psychological frame of mind, it makes dating very difficult. Being too clingy for whatever reason, future-talk or future-planning with someone you barely know is another questionable sign. Low self-esteem. Insecurity... I think everyone would agree such tendencies are to be controlled or avoided. There is one guy, we've gone out a couple times. I really like him, but am constantly in my head. Logically, I tell myself a "healthy" relationship should take time develop. Get to know eachother. If he is interested he will make lots of contact, text or want to see me. But that was what I did previously, The constant texting seeing eachother sex......but those did not lead to healthy dynamics. And I feel like saying just forget it. No dating because I only know how to do unhealthy. Maybe I'm just not healthy and never will be. I guess my question is: What are internal perceived "red flags" what are true red flags. How the hell do I get out of my head and relax. What's the balance between slow steady or enmeshment? Truthfully, it would appear that you may have been doing the right things. The most important factor in successful dating, in my opinion, is motive. Really. People may appear to come into a relationship with the intent to contribute to a lasting relationship, but many honestly are not looking for such. That is very difficult to gauge. I really believe that the more a partner makes your relationship public, the more likely he or she may be more open to a lasting relationship. I recently met an intelligent, beautiful woman and after the first date, we have decided to make it work. We're in our late-40s and feel that we are mature enough to make that decision immediately. My family knows of her and I have already met her daughter. If both parties are serious, no need to hide our existence. I picked her up from her house on our last date. I showed her where I live. She met some of my co-workers...transparency! Don't give up unless you are certain that you are not ready at this time. But it really is about motivation...and patience. 2
smackie9 Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 Stick with your expectations, and date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. I feel you already are very aware of the issues from your past experience, and you are doing just fine dealing with things. There is no obligation to you to have a serious relationship. You can communicate this to whomever you are dating, and don't be afraid to do so. You can limit yourself to casual multi dating. If you get to attached when sex gets involved maybe the right step for now is to keep sex out of the equation until you know you are ready. You have total control over how and whom you date. 2
carhill Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 What does healthy dating look like?IDK, can't see life through your eyes. We're all different. For some it's passionate drama. For others peace and quiet. For others vacillation between the two. For others, etc. Going through a divorce, followed by an unhealthy relationship. Divorce final, with the dissolution stamp? If not, still more bumps ahead, IMO, even if minor ones, and the relationship since was one bump. Up to you if you want the bumps by choice. Dating is a choice. We have many choices. Recently started dating casually. Maybe the answer is I'm not ready. Perhaps. Dating casually is a first step, more for socializing than any particular future bond or with any particular partner. It puts the singularity of the marriage in the social and emotional past. I feel totally out of my element. Unsure of things. I realize that part of my issues are I tend to get super attached early on. Trying to take things slow not rush in to another relationship. But what's the balance between being interested in someone and going too quickly. Sounds normal to me. For myself the difference is being interested in the moment and not having the milieu rule me. Enjoying each social interaction as it occurs but without lingering expectation. If another opportunity arises and I feel like it, I partake. If not, not. There is one guy, we've gone out a couple times. I really like him, but am constantly in my head. Logically, I tell myself a "healthy" relationship should take time develop. Get to know each other. If he is interested he will make lots of contact, text or want to see me. No rush. If you feel like seeing him again, ask him out or accept his invitation. If the interaction is enjoyable and positive, cool, great moments of life. Enjoy the moment. Either of you could get hit by a bus on the way home. Essentially, work on switching your brain chemistry and psychology from that of a married person and 'you and me until death do us part' to a single, solitary person who's living their own life and occasionally interacting with other humans. But that was what I did previously, The constant texting seeing each other sex......but those did not lead to healthy dynamics. If you tend to view sex as relationships and marriage-type bonding and expectation, either divorce that connection along with your marital divorce and compartmentalize sex away from love and bonding or refrain from sex unless or until in a healthy relationship or marriage. And I feel like saying just forget it. No dating because I only know how to do unhealthy. Maybe I'm just not healthy and never will be. Hard to know. I think you'll see with clearer eyes once your divorce is over and you've had some alone time, along with normal, but casual socializing. IMO, alone time is important. Time to reflect, time to grieve, time to hope, time to grow. Some folks don't need it and some folks don't believe in it. Do what works for you. I guess my question is: What are internal perceived "red flags" what are true red flags? Unless we're constantly psychoanalyzing ourselves, our perception is our reality. We can choose how to process that perception. You can go on dates, socialize with men and are free to choose how to process those interactions and results any way you like. If your perceptions run up against your boundaries of health, I'd define that as a flag of some sort, perhaps not 'red' but something to pay attention to. Again, you choose. How the hell do I get out of my head and relax. Usually time and experience take care of that. What's the balance between slow steady or enmeshment? IMO, you define that for yourself. Historically, in relationships or marriage, I was never in a rush, rather left things to flow. Sure, romance was fun and some great memories were made but I was overwhelmingly not in a hurry to be in a relationship. About the only exception was when the days to productively have a family were waning and I had to balance that 'go with the flow' against the desire to have children. I became more focused and less distracted. On the other side of all that now, nah, I just wasted some valuable life. The memories are cool but otherwise waste of time I could have used to make the world a better place. You'll find your own path and understanding. Good luck! 2
todreaminblue Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 respect from both parties i feel equals healthy dating....deb 2
OatsAndHall Posted September 17, 2017 Posted September 17, 2017 How I define "healthy dating": 1. A kind, respectful, mature woman with their head on straight. No heavy boozing and absolutely no drug use. 2. We have enough in common to find activities that we both enjoy. I stay active during the day but enjoy low-key evenings (dinner dates, movies, etc..) 3. They need to have experience in relationships and have realistic expectations from said-relationships. I don't expect to be "maintained" in a relationship and I certainly won't "maintain" someone else. 4. I have a dry, cynical sense of humor that women either find charming or their hate. It's not crude or disrespectful and it's a huge part of my personality. I make that clear when we first start speaking. In other words, I'm the wrong person for them to be dating if they don't like sarcasm. I could go into far more detail but the question is kind of vague and is relative to the relationship.
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