I want out!

[flyty6000]

I'm in a relationship for 7 years with my fiancee. We are engaged. We have a 5 y/o daughter together. We are a blended family. She has a 15 y/o son from her previous marriage who lives with us. I have a 10 y/o daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us.

 

The problem isn't my fiancee but rather her son. In the past he got caught smoking marijuana. Bad grades, was pretty rude to me, would walk right by not say hi etc. Seemed to learn his lesson and get things together with better grades, better attitude toward me and in general, played a sport etc. But about a month ago my fiancee had surgery. Doc gave her pain killers which she didn't take. Something told me look at the bottle I noticed 4 were missing. I told her while she was at work she called her son and admitted he took them. Said he took them to sell but decided to take them himself. (I talk to him about drugs, etc. all the time) She told me to take all his stuff (computer, tv, video games, laptop) out of his room and pick him up immediately.

 

When I picked him I up I said the hell are you thinking. His first reply "Go F*** yourself!" To me. I held my cool but I snapped back asking who is he talking to and he says rudely "You Bro, you don't know what I'm going through" His mom reprimanded him on this talking to me and he said "Respect goes both ways he came at me first"

 

Fast forward he then comes out and says he took them because he is battling depression and social anxiety. Whether he made this up to kind of get less in trouble or it was really happening I don't know. It was definitely not something him or his mom could pick up on as he seemed pretty happy before.

 

Ever since this happened. He's been acting depressed and pretty weird. The first day he got his phone back and his mom and I bought him some new clothes for school he changed his attitude for like 2 days and seemed pretty happy and talkative with my and his sisters. But that all changed and gets worse by the day. If I go to talk to him he won't look me in the eye. Really wants nothing to do with me. He'll try to avoid me at all costs. At dinner if his mom isn't home he won't even look up from his plate and talk to me or his sisters. And if I ask him something it will be 1 word answers. If she's here he's a little different and more talkative. I try to bond and talk to him. I took him bowling the other night with our other kids and he looked so miserable. No smile nothing.

 

I just want out now. It's so hard to live like this. It's taking a toll on me. I try to talk to the kid, spend time with him. The other night I asked him to come watch a show with me and he declined. His mom thinks this is a typical teenage phase. But I don't see it. The kid really deep down hates me. He'll stay in his room to avoid his sisters and me all day. I really want to leave this situation because his negative energy I'm absorbing and I'm really done trying. What should I do?

Edited September 17, 2017 by flyty6000

[Boymomma]

What about family counseling? Sounds like more then just "teenage stuff" as your fiance put it. This isnt just some random girl, this is your family. Do you really want to save it, or just give up? I would suggest talking to your fiancé about options. I cant imagine having a blended family could be easy, but that's what you signed up for when you proposed. So do everything you can to make it work!

[flyty6000]

We made an appointment for him to go counseling. Not sure how he is going to react when he finds that out. The attitude is just taking its toll. It's really difficult to stay positive.

[Holmes85]

flyty3000,

 

Based on the description that you have provided us above, it seems like your fiancee has been pretty supportive towards you about everything, she understands the problem and when he steps out of line, especially with you, she steps in and intervenes.

 

It is only frustrating for you, because you are putting your heart in but he's just rejecting you, like when you buy him clothes and other stuff, he appreciates it, but after a few days, he snaps back to his previous state.

 

This is by all means, not a walk in the park. But have you really decided to quit? Because if you had and was sure of it, you wouldn't had made a topic here asking about it.

 

This is my take on the matter, whether he likes you or not, at this point, it doesn't matter anymore, you remain yourself, but don't go the extra mile with him, unless he needs you to or basically asks you for your help.

 

Second, don't take him seriously (easier said than done, I know) he's being rude? disrespectful? Just smile and don't pay attention to it, at one point he would be like "man I used to get on his nerves, whats happening now, I don't get it?"

 

Third, he's 15, if he is really hates you that much, by the time he turns 18, he would definitely make some effort to move out of the house, IF he tries to stay in and annoy you further by being just like that, thats where your fiancee comes in and sorts him out, since basically it's your house, your rules, like it or not.

 

You should communicate with your fiancee about this matter, consult some things with her, she sounds quite understanding and is aware of all of it, yes it is a teenage phase, but that doesn't make what he's doing right, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

 

You have been together with her for 7 years, I don't think it's worth breaking for a kid whose who would eventually move out and isn't sure what he wants his life and takes his frustration out on other people. Whatever he's going through, only he would be accountable for his actions, one day he would realise and apologise, if not, he wouldn't be your headache anymore.

 

Whatever you decide to do, Good Luck to you.

[Hoosfoos]

Oh man I would never date any woman with kids...

[momonthego]

Life is hard for parents who are raising their own biological children but when you have two people who have kids from other relationships come together, it can be even worse. I’m sorry to say but I would expect there to be more issues than not (that’s what the statistics sadly show). If you love the fiancée, don’t you love the entire package? He is a child. He is 15. I’m looking at the things you haven’t said. You haven’t said that you love him (but lets assume you do). You haven’t mentioned his biological father and whether or not he is in the picture. You haven’t mentioned anything to me except a sense of entitlement that you feel you have. Well I’m sure he feels entitled too. He didn’t ask to be born into a broken family. He didn’t have a choice about you being his stepfather. There will always be an emptiness that he feels inside because you are not his biological father. With time as he grows and matures to be a man, he may learn to respect the fact that you didn’t walk out on him and his mom, that you stayed despite the rebellion and the disrespect, etc. Show him how to act and behave through your actions. Show him how you’re supposed to honor your commitments, show him how to respect and love people unconditionally not expecting it in return. That’s the problem with so many of us in society. We give so much of ourselves that when it is not returned, we get upset and bitter. If you truly love someone, it is a choice first and foremost and it should be done unconditionally. This boy is testing you. When he needs you the most, which is right now, you are threatening to leave him. Why? Let him be. Let his mother deal with him. If she asks you to speak to him or to talk to him fine but do it respectfully. Now if I come across a little angry, I apologize. Situations like this ring close to my heart because I grew up in a blended family twice. My mom had an abusive boyfriend for over 8 years and then eventually left him and married another guy who I couldn’t stand. I had a strained relationship with my mom for a long time because I felt she selected her men over me. At age 15, I had already been messing around with guys (because I didn’t feel loved by my mom or my biological father who was somewhat in the picture). I was depressed, I thought about suicide, etc. At 15 my hormones were raging and I truly don’t think my stepfather cared about me anyway. He just wanted to show his authority by spitting rules at me. I don’t remember us having talks or him taking me out on a date to show me how a man is supposed to treat me, I don’t remember him saying I’m beautiful or anything. This young man is probably depressed, angry, hurt, feels betrayed, and is still trying to figure out who he is and what he is to become. This is the time for you to not turn your back on him if you really care. There are lots of resources out there about blended families. I put a link below which has access to other resources about blended families. Please review this when you have time. I don’t know if you like to read books but I also came across a book the other day about Fathers raising sons. I pray you don’t break this young man’s heart again because of what’s going on. If you get through this, I’m sure that you will be able to get through anything in your relationship.

 

Link to blended family material: Parenting In Blended Families | Focus on the Family

Link to the Book: http://bit.ly/2jLAsK4

[schmance]

I am really sorry you are going through this. Some teens are way worse than others and even though his energy and vibe is in the negative please know that this is a common character of teens possibly taking in the change of life as a boat load of pressure, possible social issues they are too embarrassed to tap into or even discuss, insecurities of abundance, seeking independence knowing the resources and maturity is not there yet, and the parental absence issues of either a biological mother or father. Honestly you couldn't pay me enough to be a teen in todays time. HOWEVER, I encourage you to keep letting yourself know that his happiness depends ON HIM. He will be 18 before you know it and he will eventually have to accept that although his momma and to be step dad care, not much of the rest of the world does and that he is accountable for his own happiness and success. Please don't go and please don't give up. You have a woman who I am sure loves you and is happy you are her fiance, future husband and biological dad to your youngest. You would not want her to give up on your daughter you had in a previous relationship should she be going through some years of teenage hell. Take it all in stride, tell your fiance how you feel each and every time so she can check him accordingly and put less effort into trying to bring about or create a solution. I do think counseling is wise for kids. My daughter gets counseling in school because it is part of her therapies, as she is Autistic and she truly sees her counselor as her buddy and a third party she can say whatever about whatever without judgement. He might be surprised how much he actually likes it and looks forward to those one on one chats because they are all about him and he is talking to an outsider. I wish you the very best!!!

Edited September 21, 2017 by schmance

[Middle]

Going to offer my perspective as my mother remarried and had a child with my stepdad when I was 10, and at 15 I often swore at my stepfather, became physical during arguments (shoving/etc), and so I moved in with my biological dad... Depression was definitely a part of it. So if he says he's depressed, believe him. Also, if he says things to you like, "You're not my dad." Listen to him. While you may technically be an authority figure in his life, you've gotta earn his respect before he will respect you. Don't just try to step into the dad shoes, be his friend first, and keep being his friend first (but obviously also be a role model at the same time - don't try to be a teenage friend). You say you took him bowling with the family, but have you tried to do any one on one activities with him? I'm thinking stuff like basketball, video games, horse shoes, projects around the house, whatever.

 

Where is this boy's dad in the picture? If he was completely abandoned by his dad, that's gotta be tough. Anyway, it's kinda a big thing for a kid to go through a divorce and remarriage. And most likely, at age 15, it isn't something that he can verbalize. He'll probably only figure it out when he's much older. So try to be supportive of him, listen to him, and try not to let him get you down.

 

One final note... Yes, I kinda hated my step dad when I was 15. But over the years, I grew to love and respect him just as much as a real dad. He had a tremendously positive impact on me, and I think I did for him as well... 15-16 will probably be the worst age for this kind of acting out against you. If you can endure it, you may find it a very positive relationship in the future.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Middle

[preraph]

Since he opened the door saying he has some mental issues, it's the perfect time to get him in therapy if you can any way afford it. I would make that a condition of you staying. It is true teens are usually hateful. I know I was, after a lifetime of being delightful... but he's stealing pain meds and being an entitled little jerk and he needs to be intervened before he winds up in jail.

 

You need to talk to his mom and tell her she needs to put him in therapy since he said he is depressed and socially anxious (both of which are serious but can be improved on) and convince her it was a cry for help and for her to get him help. If she hems and haws, tell her you're unhappy and can't stand by and watch him run in front of the train and are out. She should be glad you care. Good luck.

[Maldives]

If it gets too much maybe move out for a while temporarily I wouldn't end the relationship though but do get ur own space so ur not around that bad energy anymore that would be my solution move into ur own place til u know for sure it's settled I couldn't live like that it'd get on my nerves who needs that create a new space for yourself