Dumped for miscommunication about meeting her son?

[campeo]

I've been dating a woman for 3 months who I adore. I feel like I am falling in love with her but also believe love is what exists after the honeymoon. I am 37. She is 39.

 

I think she just broke up with me over text over miscommunication about meeting her son for the first time. He is 7. She got knocked up after dating a man for 2 months and they stayed together for 6 years before marrying. She said things weren't that good and agreed to marry him because he felt it would fix things. The marriage lasted 5 months. She was separated for 4 months before going online and her divorce finalized the day after our first date. I've been very cautious because I believe people need to be comfortable being single and on their own in order to be in a healthy relationship.

 

We were supposed to see each other tonight, but she texted me to cancel. This was after she already changed our plans earlier in the day. She texted "Sorry I'm going to have to cancel. I have to take my car in. My son is also wanting his mommy today. However, you are welcome to join us for an ice cream on the 19th. Totally cool if you feel uncomfortable meeting him just yet."

 

I immediately wrote back "I understand. I'm going to stay in tonight because I'm volunteering tomorrow, so I'm free to talk later. I'd love to hear your voice." I was disappointed she canceled, but not in her. I also wanted some time to check my schedule and think about discussing meeting her son. I did not want to have that conversation by text.

 

It turns out I have a Board meeting on the 19th, and I was thinking of what to say but she responded almost immediately "I feel disappointed. You're so into helping everyone else, but you don't seem to care about someone who you say you have feelings for because she's with her son. Something doesn't add up. But I totally understand and it's cool. Have a nice weekend. And don't worry. I'll call someone else for auto advice. My son might hear your voice."

 

I figured she took my nonanswer about meeting her son the wrong way, but I had no idea from her initial text she had a car crises. So I told her "I'm confused. I told you I understood and wanted to talk to you later. How is that uncaring? I wasn't turning down an invitation to ice cream. I was telling you I am free to talk about it later and look forward to talking to you. I assumed you weren't free to talk because you texted me to cancel rather than call."

 

She responded "I didn't call on purpose because I wanted to give you time to think about meeting him." I responded "I wanted to check my calendar and talk to you about it tonight. I apologize if that was not clear. I know it's a big deal for you to ask. Do you need help with your car?"

 

She then did call me, I thought we clarified the confusion and agreed to talk later tonight. She told me she was already at the mechanic.

 

She sent me a picture of the sunset. I told her I wish I were watching it with her. She responded "sorry, I feel bummed you didn't help us. I guess I didn't ask but I'm judging by what I would have done. Need some time to think. Call you soon."

 

Five minutes later, "Actually, my son is a part of me and if you're not interested in meeting him, then you're also not really interested in me. It's cool. I understand. Have a fun weekend. No hard feelings."

 

This all occurred in a 2 hour stretch. I recognize the irony in not wanting to have these conversations by text and using text, but I don't feel I was ever given a chance to actually have a conversation about it, and there was no way I could have read between the lines she needed help with her car.

 

I'd actually love to meet her son. I love kids, and am great with them. I am concerned that her divorce was recent and want to ensure she's truly recovered for a serious relationship before that step. I want to know if she has talked to her ex about expectations regarding dating and co-parenting (likely not as I am the first person she has dated aside from a few first dates). I want to know how her son has coped with the separation and divorce. I want to know if her ex will be upset and take it out on her if he learns she is seeing someone. I want to know her expectations for meeting her son - I'd prefer to meet as friends with other adults around for the first few meetings before solo interactions as her "friend", prior to any physical affection towards her in front of him. I think it's important to talk about those things. I recognize I didn't acknowledge her invitation immediately and see why she was upset. But I also feel she gave me zero opportunity to have an honest conversation, which needs to occur face to face, not by text or over the phone.

 

I took her final texts to mean she broke up with me, but if not, I'm not sure I can work through this. Every time I am with her, I feel like I am falling in love. It's exceptional. I feel we talk things out easily. But she has a pattern of using text to express disappointment and we already worked through an incident a few weeks ago where she essentially dumped me by text when I was on a 1 week vacation visiting my brother and his kids before they started school. She broke down claiming she didn't want a "long distance relationship" - but we live 5 blocks from each other. It was a 1 week vacation and I called her every other day and texted in between. She didn't call me. She then apologized and told me she is a cancer so once a month she'll just act crazy. I feel like she creates drama out of nothing and if she'd just call me rather than send stream of consciousness texts when she feels insecure or disappointed, there wouldn't be an issue.

Edited September 17, 2017 by campeo

[ExpatInItaly]

She got awfully defensive, awfully quickly, and jumped to conclusions and expected you to read her mind. She sounds quite passive aggressive and immature for 39.

 

My guess is that this is not really about her son. I have to wonder if she'd been having some doubts for other reasons, and staged this fight to make her exit.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're right, she creates drama out of nothing. She's Trouble, I'd break things off with her immediately. We have someone in our family like this and thankfully the couple is divorcing because she manages to ruin every family get together we have with her insecurities and drama. Her husband has suffered the entire marriage. With this woman you would never have peace and you'd be constantly apologizing for things that weren't even your fault! She's inventing slights that don't even exist!

 

Btw, your texts and communications with her were excellent!

[bene]

Three months is too early for this kind of drama (and too early for meeting her child in my opinion). She sounds all over the place and very passive-aggressive. She jumped very quickly from you not discussing meeting her son over text to not being interested in her son, thus not interested in her. All this escalation took place in her head. This is the flavour how things would be every time you do something wrong in her eyes.

 

I don't really see anything you did wrong, you don't discuss important things like meeting the kids for the first time over text. Well now you were kind of forced to, but the intention to talk in person is completely understandable.

[Mike B.]

You didn't get dumped for miscommunication. You got dumped because you fell in love with a newly divorced woman. This scenario is very typical. It's going to be a long time before she is ready to date.

[Redhead14]

I feel like she creates drama out of nothing -- Yes, she does . . .

 

told me she is a cancer so once a month she'll just act crazy -- And, she's good at finding excuses for her behavior.

 

Apart from that though, I don't like that she is hell bent on introducing her kid to you after only three months. It's not a good idea to do that early in a dating scenario. I don't care who you are . . .

 

This woman seems to have difficulty organizing thoughts and emotions and unable to deal with things face to face or on the phone. That's not a good quality in a partner. Texting about important issues in a relationship, is, IMO, a passive-aggressive way of controlling situations, etc. She's a bad communicator at best.

 

There are a couple of diagnosable possibilities for the way she is, but, that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. She just isn't good relationship material right now, that's for sure.

 

End this now, in person and with finality. I think you are on the path of having an extended on/off relationship with her if you don't, and that's hell. I think you may be seeing, at least, a big part of why her last relationship ended.

 

All this drama at 3 months, doesn't bode well for the future. If it ain't fun, run.

Edited September 17, 2017 by Redhead14

[campeo]

You didn't get dumped for miscommunication. You got dumped because you fell in love with a newly divorced woman. This scenario is very typical. It's going to be a long time before she is ready to date.

 

I agree. I recently had a 2 year period where I had a strict boundary - no dating someone less than one year out of their last serious relationship. I focused on neutral feelings about their exes, not prying, and committed to two persons who appeared to be comfortable on their own and excited about their next relationship. Both relationship ended when their exes learned they were seeing someone new. Both later asked for me back, too. Meanwhile, during the same stretch my friends met and dated recently divorced persons and got engaged. I figured my boundary wasn't working and I needed to open to others as long as I was cautious.

[todreaminblue]

im a cancer...and i feel quite strongly she isnt ready to date..... seems insecure and also worried about her son.......which is normal after splitting with soemone who was around for a good while......

 

i jumped in too soon after splitting from my ex....i was actually pressured into dating....i wasnt ready but i realised that before anything got too serious...still i copped abuse and disbelief when i was honest abotu the reasons why i couldnt date the guy...it took me a good two years of concentrating on my kids issues from the split and for me to feel i was ready to date..........deb

Edited September 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

I guess as a married woman she was used to her man stepping up and organising help if he found out she was having issues with her car. Husbands and fathers tend to do that.

YOU ignored her plight and said cool, you would have an early night instead as you were going to help others the next day... whilst she and her kid are essentially stranded,

 

Then the big one.

She no doubt thought long and hard about you meeting her son and when she suggests a day and time, you totally ignore her as if she hadn't brought up the subject at all...

 

She is "interviewing" for husband/father material here and I guess you failed.

Hence why she has ended it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess as a married woman she was used to her man stepping up and organising help if he found out she was having issues with her car. Husbands and fathers tend to do that.

YOU ignored her plight and said cool, you would have an early night instead as you were going to help others the next day... whilst she and her kid are essentially stranded,

 

Then the big one.

She no doubt thought long and hard about you meeting her son and when she suggests a day and time, you totally ignore her as if she hadn't brought up the subject at all...

 

She is "interviewing" for husband/father material here and I guess you failed.

Hence why she has ended it.

 

Where did she imply they were stranded? I didn't get that at all, unless OP is leaving something out. She said she needed to take her car in. I didn't interpret that as an emergency situation, unless OP is leaving some details out.

[elaine567]

Where did she imply they were stranded? I didn't get that at all, unless OP is leaving something out. She said she needed to take her car in. I didn't interpret that as an emergency situation, unless OP is leaving some details out.

No maybe not stranded but she obviously needed some help with the car and it wasn't offered by the OP, who seemed to totally ignore the car. Even a "What is wrong with your car?" may have helped here.

As she said

And don't worry. I'll call someone else for auto advice.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Where did she imply they were stranded? I didn't get that at all, unless OP is leaving something out. She said she needed to take her car in. I didn't interpret that as an emergency situation, unless OP is leaving some details out.

 

I agree with this, OP. Sounded like a routine-type car thing to me, nothing urgent.

 

Also, doesn't seem to me you totally ignored her invitation to have ice cream on the 19th just because you weren't johnny-on-the-spot with a quick agreement. Sometimes it takes a few moments to process, as you mentioned, your own schedule.

 

I'm a divorced single mom and would never have reacted this way to either issue even when newly single.

 

If she couldn't drive her car and needed help, imo, she should have indicated she had no transportation and had I shared that info with a bf (or any close friend) and he didn't volunteer to help me out I'd be less than impressed with him. But, that's not the case here.

[salparadise]

Where did she imply they were stranded? I didn't get that at all, unless OP is leaving something out. She said she needed to take her car in. I didn't interpret that as an emergency situation, unless OP is leaving some details out.

 

I don't get about 95 percent of it... make that 100.

 

"I feel disappointed. You're so into helping everyone else, but you don't seem to care about someone who you say you have feelings for because she's with her son. Something doesn't add up. But I totally understand and it's cool. Have a nice weekend. And don't worry. I'll call someone else for auto advice. My son might hear your voice."

 

Hey OP, I know at two months you've started developing feelings and are super enthusiastic, but I hope you can set limerence aside and look at this episode rationally. Perhaps you can- I agree with LivingWater that your responses were appropriate and articulate. Switch off the flow of norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, and testosterone and assess from a detached, high-level perspective.

 

I may well be true that she's not ready to date having been divorced yesterday effectively, but I don't think that's the origin of the tactics she used on you in this episode. I think she just showed you who she is fundamentally. Off the top of my head I count about five serious problems...

 

- passive aggressive

- irrational, unfounded assumptions

- making mountains out of molehills (actually, no-hills)

- poor boundaries with respect to having you meet her son, too soon, no prior notice, no plan, etc.

- over-the-top expectations, i.e. you should be taking care of her car

- thinking that you're dating her and her son, plugging you into the daddy role

- using the push-pull to get you walking on eggshells

- putting words in your mouth

- emotional reasoning, emotional dysregulation

- abysmal communication skills

- predisposed to drama and putting you on the defensive

 

Was that five? I'm sorry man, but this one isn't going to work out. Cut your losses and suffer a little now rather than a whole lot later on... and before she accidentally gets knocked up again.

[darkmoon]

perhaps this is why her ex is her ex, she sets crazy-high standards

[coolheadal]

I've been dating a woman for 3 months who I adore. I feel like I am falling in love with her but also believe love is what exists after the honeymoon. I am 37. She is 39.

 

I think she just broke up with me over text over miscommunication about meeting her son for the first time. He is 7. She got knocked up after dating a man for 2 months and they stayed together for 6 years before marrying. She said things weren't that good and agreed to marry him because he felt it would fix things. The marriage lasted 5 months. She was separated for 4 months before going online and her divorce finalized the day after our first date. I've been very cautious because I believe people need to be comfortable being single and on their own in order to be in a healthy relationship.

 

We were supposed to see each other tonight, but she texted me to cancel. This was after she already changed our plans earlier in the day. She texted "Sorry I'm going to have to cancel. I have to take my car in. My son is also wanting his mommy today. However, you are welcome to join us for an ice cream on the 19th. Totally cool if you feel uncomfortable meeting him just yet."

 

I immediately wrote back "I understand. I'm going to stay in tonight because I'm volunteering tomorrow, so I'm free to talk later. I'd love to hear your voice." I was disappointed she canceled, but not in her. I also wanted some time to check my schedule and think about discussing meeting her son. I did not want to have that conversation by text.

 

It turns out I have a Board meeting on the 19th, and I was thinking of what to say but she responded almost immediately "I feel disappointed. You're so into helping everyone else, but you don't seem to care about someone who you say you have feelings for because she's with her son. Something doesn't add up. But I totally understand and it's cool. Have a nice weekend. And don't worry. I'll call someone else for auto advice. My son might hear your voice."

 

I figured she took my nonanswer about meeting her son the wrong way, but I had no idea from her initial text she had a car crises. So I told her "I'm confused. I told you I understood and wanted to talk to you later. How is that uncaring? I wasn't turning down an invitation to ice cream. I was telling you I am free to talk about it later and look forward to talking to you. I assumed you weren't free to talk because you texted me to cancel rather than call."

 

She responded "I didn't call on purpose because I wanted to give you time to think about meeting him." I responded "I wanted to check my calendar and talk to you about it tonight. I apologize if that was not clear. I know it's a big deal for you to ask. Do you need help with your car?"

 

She then did call me, I thought we clarified the confusion and agreed to talk later tonight. She told me she was already at the mechanic.

 

She sent me a picture of the sunset. I told her I wish I were watching it with her. She responded "sorry, I feel bummed you didn't help us. I guess I didn't ask but I'm judging by what I would have done. Need some time to think. Call you soon."

 

Five minutes later, "Actually, my son is a part of me and if you're not interested in meeting him, then you're also not really interested in me. It's cool. I understand. Have a fun weekend. No hard feelings."

 

This all occurred in a 2 hour stretch. I recognize the irony in not wanting to have these conversations by text and using text, but I don't feel I was ever given a chance to actually have a conversation about it, and there was no way I could have read between the lines she needed help with her car.

 

I'd actually love to meet her son. I love kids, and am great with them. I am concerned that her divorce was recent and want to ensure she's truly recovered for a serious relationship before that step. I want to know if she has talked to her ex about expectations regarding dating and co-parenting (likely not as I am the first person she has dated aside from a few first dates). I want to know how her son has coped with the separation and divorce. I want to know if her ex will be upset and take it out on her if he learns she is seeing someone. I want to know her expectations for meeting her son - I'd prefer to meet as friends with other adults around for the first few meetings before solo interactions as her "friend", prior to any physical affection towards her in front of him. I think it's important to talk about those things. I recognize I didn't acknowledge her invitation immediately and see why she was upset. But I also feel she gave me zero opportunity to have an honest conversation, which needs to occur face to face, not by text or over the phone.

 

I took her final texts to mean she broke up with me, but if not, I'm not sure I can work through this. Every time I am with her, I feel like I am falling in love. It's exceptional. I feel we talk things out easily. But she has a pattern of using text to express disappointment and we already worked through an incident a few weeks ago where she essentially dumped me by text when I was on a 1 week vacation visiting my brother and his kids before they started school. She broke down claiming she didn't want a "long distance relationship" - but we live 5 blocks from each other. It was a 1 week vacation and I called her every other day and texted in between. She didn't call me. She then apologized and told me she is a cancer so once a month she'll just act crazy. I feel like she creates drama out of nothing and if she'd just call me rather than send stream of consciousness texts when she feels insecure or disappointed, there wouldn't be an issue.

 

You have realize that the son is 100% more important than you. She's very protective of the fact and nothing you say or do will ever change that fact. The son will always be first you will be 3rd place. I've had this happen to me in 2015 the woman was younger than me I was older she also got knocked u as well had 5 year girl. Very protective over her she was worried about me meeting her but I am very good with kids. She loved me after she met me I made her laugh and smile. I have a video to prove it.

 

You need to know not to push the mother and you need to know how to respect her and her kid. It's not about you it's about the kid and her. When you learn this you and her can be together. Right now you have to earn her respect an appreciate her and her kid. You have a tough job again my friend. This is not as easy as you think.

 

What you should do is call her and tell her you can take them both out and for a fun day maybe min-golf and arcades. You have to do something with her kid also not only your needs you have to think about. Also you'll need to start buying this kids some toys to show some interest in his likes.

 

When you see her again buy her flowers show her you care and appreciate the things she do, tell her those words. Do not be selfish, stand bold and be the leader don't let her get under your skin too.

 

Remember she has raised this kid on her own now your coming into the two into their world.

[campeo]

No maybe not stranded but she obviously needed some help with the car and it wasn't offered by the OP, who seemed to totally ignore the car. Even a "What is wrong with your car?" may have helped here.

As she said

 

No on this. I left nothing out. Her text verbatim was she needed to cancel because she needed to take her car into the shop and her son wanted to spend that night with her rather than his dad as scheduled. That does not warrant a call to action. I assumed she texted me because it was a routine matter she was dealing with, else she would have called me. I would have been supportive about the stress even routine autocare can cause when talking later in the evening.

 

I'm not going to be all "OMG what's wrong?" for an oil change. If someone needs help, they need to tell me. And she was already at the mechanic when she texted me. It may have been nice for me to call her immediately, but it would have been nice for her to call me to cancel, too. It may have been nice for me to reference her car, but I needed a few minutes to move past the disappointment of her canceling (not disappointment in her as I understood, but the feeling of disappointment I wasn't going to see her.) I also needed a moment to check my calendar, which I did, and noticed I could not attend the date she referenced. I then needed a moment to think about how to communicate that to her. I had my phone in hand thinking about how to respond when she blew up.

 

Who, in a moment of crises and being stranded sends a text "omg I need help my car broke down in a bad part of town and I'm waiting on a tow truck. Would you like to meet my son for the first time for ice cream on Tuesday?" Those don't go together.