kendahke Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 You're making a lot of assumptions based on "she said no to meeting my ex girlfriend". . Human nature never changes. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 I'm struggling to understand, when the EX issue is and has been such a "universal" problem, why people simply can't EX the EX out of their lives knowing that that kind of thing is such a big deal for so many. EX is EX. Why do anything that could possibly contaminate future relationships? Unless there are children involved, you move on completely. The whole "friendship" thing is usually about one or both of them hoping things will change. And, when there are so many stories of people going back to their Ex's anyway, why wouldn't someone feel a little "ify" with their partner if they are maintaining contact on a regular basis? In these cases, it's not some internal insecurity. There's a legitimate reason for them to be concerned. IMO, if you truly love a current partner and are certain that you are over you EX, you choose the current partner and EX the EX out. You don't owe the EX anything, you do owe the current partner comfort, security, trustability and respect for their needs. I don't stay with partners who can't or won't provide these things for me. A dating partner can't/shouldn't tell you what to do or try to control you, what she can do is control her life and her feelings and emotions and remove unnecessary stress and end the relationship herself. No arguing, no pulling. She makes her boundaries known and enforces them when it's clear that this is going to be an unresolvable issue. That goes, for the OP too. If you can't resolve it amicably, you end the relationship. 1
guest569 Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 Absolutely. I have had gf's who still were friends with their ex's. I've had gf's who were cool with me being friends with my ex. I don't mind if my current gf talks to her exs. Personally I would be fine with a partner being friends with an ex. But I would not be ok with him very super close BFFs with an ex where there is this much interaction and strong feelings. You don't have to declare your friendship over, just back off a little and drop the subject as it will ruin your relationship. Instead, it is all your girlfriends fault for being insecure and you are too stubborn to change. So you should break up with your "insecure" gf and find someone that is super close BFFs with a guy she used to bang for 2 yrs and I'm sure you will be cool with it. 1
Author EpsonEntrada Posted September 18, 2017 Author Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) First of all, thank you for all the replies. I had an additional conversations with my gf and she said she understands where I come from, but still deeply dislikes my ex and does not what her in either of our lives. I didn't mention that I will reduce communication with my ex but this is now my plan (I just don't want to setup expectations). As I said, my ex and I live relatively far apart and talk only on the phone/txt. Right now we talk ~biweekly, but I understand how I can reduce that (and this is what I will do). At the same time, I am not ready to stop this friendship either, I really don't know how long my current relationship will last, but I know I have a friend for probably a lifetime. Regarding moving in, I will proceed with it. I do want to move in personally and I also had another serious conversation with my GF to ensure this is what she really wants. At this point I think she would be devastated if I said I don't want to move in, and while I am a bit scared, perhaps it will work out. As an aside, a lot of posters made very snide remarks, which is inappropriate. I came here honestly and openly for anonymous advice on what I should do. Ad hominem statements benefit no one. I understand many people think that having an ex as a friend is unacceptable and I am both somewhat surprised and willing to accept that. As I said, I will now reduce contact. Edit: Another aside, my gf is actually very progressive in this sense. My friends are about 50/50 men/women and I do have other female friends I communicate with regularly (with whom I've never been romantically involved) and she never minded them. I really appreciate that she is as open minded as she is, it's just I didn't think my ex would be that different, which apparently it is. Edited September 18, 2017 by EpsonEntrada
Logo Posted September 18, 2017 Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) I really don't know how long my current relationship will last, but I know I have a friend for probably a lifetime. Just as long as you're 100% honest with yourself and are not using the ex as some sort of an intimate, emotional backup to fall back on. Because if you have a backup, then you're less likely to give your current romantic relationship the full attention it deserves or put in the effort it deserves. For your girlfriend's sake, be mindful of that and give her the chance SHE deserves in this relationship. And by the way, I have a feeling your ex who is your BFF will always be there, even if you stop contacting her for a while. Just a hunch. Edited September 18, 2017 by Logo
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