Dealing with my GF insecurity regarding an ex-gf.

[EpsonEntrada]

About 6 years ago I had a relationship with an ex that lasted a little under 2 years. It ended amicably as we both realized that we became more best friends than actual lovers (our sexual attraction to each other fizzled). My ex remained one of my two best friends all these years, and even though she moved away about 2 years ago we we still talk once or twice a week on the phone, as well as share some mostly superficial texts. We both had other partners in the mean time and our friendship did not interfere with our romantic lives until very recently.

 

I (29M) met my current gf (26F) about 4 months ago and as we got to know each other I was very open about my continued friendship with my ex (as well as all other aspects of my relationship history). I could sense my gf being very uneasy with this so I offered to show her our txts/etc. At some point my ex and I were planning to meet a mutual friend in a neighboring city a few hundred miles away (it is kind of a midpoint between where my ex and I live) and I offered to take my gf with me, but my gf refused.

 

At this point my gf feels and acts incredibly sad if there is any mention of my ex or if I communicate with my ex in any way. The thing is, my ex really is one of my best friends and has helped me and been part of my life for many, many years. I really love my current gf and think she might be a good long term partner, but I don't want to give up one of my closest friends for what I see as an irrational reason with someone I know much less.

 

At any rate, I am someone who cannot stand to see my loved ones sad and frustrated, so my gf's reactions make me feel very depressed and anxious. I don't know what to do or how to reassure my gf. I just feel that if I break my long term friendship I will regret it and resent my gf. It's not that I want to chose my ex over my gf, it's that I don't this my gf has the right to force me to break a long term friendship like that. Especially since I am willing to completely reveal anything and everything, I have no privacy concerns and I am a very open person.

 

Other than this aspect, my relationship with my gf is quite good, as we have few other disagreements, although perhaps this is related to us being together for only 4 months. We have however moved quite quickly, as she has effectively been living at my place for the past month and a half (she does have her own place but stays over pretty much every single night). We are actually thinking of really moving together in about a month, which I think is kind of fast (we would be together for about 5 months at that point), but the logistics really work out if we move together (my rental agreement is finishing and my gf has an apartment she is not using at all because she is de facto living with me). This was her idea and if we move together we would split the rent/utilities (I am comfortable with either continuing my contract or finding a new place, but it does feel like throwing a couple grand a month into the wind). My gf is somewhat inexperienced and this is her first serious relationship.

 

I would like some guidance on what would be the proper behavior from me. Am I correct in my analysis of the situation? How can I help my gf cope with my continued friendship with an ex? Is there a way I can preserve both my relationship with my gf and my friendship with my ex?

 

Edit: added age, added final paragraph of questions

Edited September 16, 2017 by EpsonEntrada

[guest569]

What makes you think that your girlfriend is insecure? Would you be comfortable with this arrangement if you were in her shoes?

[EpsonEntrada]

What makes you think that your girlfriend is insecure? Would you be comfortable with this arrangement if you were in her shoes?

 

Absolutely. I have had gf's who still were friends with their ex's. I've had gf's who were cool with me being friends with my ex. I don't mind if my current gf talks to her exs.

 

Edit: do you really think I should break my friendship with someone I've been platonic friends with for ~4 years now? It's not like we still flirt or have any sexual-related interactions. My ex is quite literally like a sister to me.

Edited September 16, 2017 by EpsonEntrada

[rightondude]

yeah if you're seriously being an open book and you can honestly say to yourself there are 0 romantic leanings towards your ex, I think your current GF should accept that. But keep in mind, you have had sex, seen each other naked, probed holes, all that stuff....it's kinda hard to move on from that 100% in some people's minds.

 

as for moving in already....be prepared for it to fail (keep enough available in case you HAVE TO get out) and hope for the best.

[guest569]

Absolutely. I have had gf's who still were friends with their ex's. I've had gf's who were cool with me being friends with my ex. I don't mind if my current gf talks to her exs.

 

Edit: do you really think I should break my friendship with someone I've been platonic friends with for ~4 years now? It's not like we still flirt or have any sexual-related interactions. My ex is quite literally like a sister to me.

 

Not at all, carry on with your friendship with your ex, but don't expect your girlfriend to be OK with it and to stick around. Especially given that you will resent your girlfriend over it if you were to end the friendship. Given what you've written, I would say you choose your ex in a heartbeat. Not cool.

[Stephie37]

Look the relationship is still very very new - 4 mos. Nothing.. compared to a 6 yr friendship, regardless if this person is female/your ex. I understand why your GF is insecure and jealous but if she loves you as she says - when you fall in love you accept everything about the person. And I mean EVERYTHING, their baggage, family, exes, kids and even friendships. You need to slow it down a bit, and not be so torn between a new romantic relationship and a friendship that has proven over time that will likely turn into a life long friendship. You should not choose and you definitely do not do anything to jeopardize your friendship with the best friend.

 

If you want to make this relationship work with the GF, you need to bring her in your circle, include her, let her see what a beautiful friendship it is, and what a good person your friend is. You have every right to have your group of important people in your life, and no offense but your GF needs to get over it and deal with it. If she genuinely loves you, she'll be open to accept it.

 

So I suggest you stop reassuring your GF that it's platonic friendship, whatever you say doesn't change what she thinks in her head. This would only be exhausting and draining - it's up to them to change the way they think and stop creating problems/scenarios that goes on in their head. Insecurities can damage relationships but whatever you do, DO NOT jeopardize a life long friendship over a girl you're only dating. She needs to be more receptive of the people in your life. Once she does, she'll see that your friendship is with the former ex/best friend is strictly platonic and genuine.

 

Good Luck

[guest569]

You have every right to have your group of important people in your life, and no offense but your GF needs to get over it and deal with it. If she genuinely loves you, she'll be open to accept it.

 

This simply is not true though. Even if she loves you, it could still be a deal breaker. Judging from her low mood of late in relation to this subject, it is not looking good. So be prepared for the fact that she may not accept it in spite of love.

 

A lot of people are not open to this and do not want to know about your past lovers let alone be BFFs with them. You were together for 2 years and had sex with each other. You've been close friends for 6 years, and your girlfriend has come along 4 months ago so probably feels relatively distant. She did not want to meet your ex-girlfriend. So I doubt you can incorporate her into your life if your ex-girlfriend remains a very crucial part of it, and you wish to continue communicating with her so regularly. You will both need to make some compromise if this relationship is to work. Being 4 months in, it is a big ask.

 

Taking a 'like it or lump it' approach towards your girlfriend isn't going to work.

[kendahke]

Don't move in together and in fact, you need to have her stop staying so much at your place.

 

You have moved too quickly in this for what the legs of this involvement can bear and it's playing into her inability to accept your ex as your friend.

 

I can see both sides of this situation, but here is where I have to disagree with your girlfriend: when you invited her to come to this meet up with your friends and she declined because your ex was there. I'd have seen her point about disliking the thought of your ex if you hadn't included her, but you did. She chose to indulge insecurity, which was most likely brought on by too much familiarity too quickly with the whole staying at your place all the time to the point where she's thinking she's going move in.

 

You two aren't together long enough for her to develop the security to know that you know how to keep your past in the past---which means, she doesn't know you well enough to be entering into this level of relationship if she can't trust you, which this boils down to.

 

I think you two need to go back to living at your own places for the time being and using the time to allow her to develop the trust needed in you to accept your friends--all of them because no one should tell another adult who they can and can't be friends with, especially if that friend has done nothing to them to warrant such a visceral reaction. There is time enough for you to get back to the place where you're spending the night just about every night with each other, but that time is not now. She can't handle this and it's patently unfair of her to invent scenarios about your ex when there is no basis in truth to them except what she's conjuring up.

[guest569]

She can't handle this and it's patently unfair of her to invent scenarios about your ex when there is no basis in truth to them except what she's conjuring up.

 

I must have missed that part. What are the scenarios she is inventing? I think it is completely reasonable if she does not want to meet his ex-girlfriend or decides to part ways over this. It is not a small issue.

[basil67]

I have no issues with a boyfriend being on friendly terms with an ex. But not best friends. And amount of contact you have with her is significantly more than I have with my same sex best friends.

 

You say that this ex is one of your two best friends. I assume the other is a male....so how much contact do you have with him? Are you calling him and texting him a few times a week too?

[Ieris]

Don't give up on your best friend over someone who may or may not be in the picture for long. If things don't work out with this girl then you would have lost a good friend over nothing, especially when she did nothing wrong in the first place. I find that usually the one with a problem or creates any drama is the one who needs to be cut off and not the innocent parties.

 

If you get your way then she's unhappy, if she gets her way then you're unhappy. You're trying to find some middle ground here but she's not really trying and only thinking about what she wants. Maybe you're not compatible after all and should think twice about moving in with her, as I think 4 months is too soon anyway. You've been pretty open and honest about your friendship, it is platonic and if she doesn't trust or believe you then she should move on.

Edited September 17, 2017 by Ieris

[LivingWaterPlease]

You may not be having romance or sex with your ex but you have emotional intimacy with her. The fact that you've had sex with her in the past adds even more emotional intimacy to the equation.

 

To be in a healthy marriage one day, I believe you'll find you're going to have to put some distance between you and your ex. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly but does mean you shouldn't continue a close friendship.

 

I've had two close male friends who have distanced themselves from me, and rightfully so, when they became seriously involved with a gf.

 

And I agree with those who tell you that you've moved too fast with new gf. However, from the way you write it seems to me you value your R with your ex more than the R with your gf. Quite possibly the gf isn't the one for you if you're unwilling to give up the close friendship with the ex. When you meet the right one, you'll be only too happy to do whatever it takes to make the R work.

Edited September 17, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[lovephule]

At this point my gf feels and acts incredibly sad if there is any mention of my ex or if I communicate with my ex in any way. [sNIP]

 

At any rate, I am someone who cannot stand to see my loved ones sad and frustrated, so my gf's reactions make me feel very depressed and anxious.[sNIP]

 

It's not that I want to chose my ex over my gf, it's that I don't this my gf has the right to force me to break a long term friendship like that.

 

Your GF isn't forcing you to do anything. Why are you equating her emotions with an ultimatum?

[Popsicle]

You need to be with a woman who is BFF's with a guy just like you are with a girl. That's the only way this will work. Two people who think alike being together, rather than people who think opposite. I don't deal with men who have female BFF's. Never have and I prefer it this way. I don't have a discussion about it or debate it either (because neither side ever agrees) , I just stop dealing with them. Your gf will eventually learn this.

[Popsicle]

10 characters

[darkmoon]

The ex should bow out, or you need to treat your girl to a great deal of romance to compensate, but I do not think the ex will go away...

 

Where is her boyf? What does he say about all this?

 

You are giving your girlfriend an act to follow and I know how she feels, under-valued and nervous. She will go one day, if you continue to force this misery on her.

 

I suspect your ex is aware of this as she is a woman too, possibly playing the innocent, but no sex with the ex does not equate to no bonding with her, as your girl is trying to tell you

Edited September 17, 2017 by darkmoon

[Sara1989]

You have more contact with your ex than I do with my same sex friends.

 

I wouldn't like it either and would must likely move on then put up with it. I cannot see your girlfriend being happy with this friendship so your have to choose.

Edited September 17, 2017 by Sara1989

[elaine567]

If you continue being close friends with your ex, this will not be the first gf that will not like it and will probably split up with you over it.

 

Jealousy and especially sexual jealousy is very real and whilst we all like to think as "adults" we will be cool with opposite sex BFF and exes as best friends, it rarely actually works out well as jealousy intervenes.

Either on the part of the gf/bf or on the part of the BFF who really would rather not share and will "innocently" do his/her best to split them up.

 

The opposite sex best friend, is often a weird arrangement as usually there are agendas involved. It is not just simply best friends, there is more to it. I am not saying that it is always about jumping into bed together, but there IS often more to it than just "We get on well..."

 

Many women want to be the one and only in her bf's/partner's/husband's life, they do not want him discussing her or their life together with another woman, they do not want another woman taking her place in his affections. Simple as that.

Many women have a hard enough time accepting his mother, his sisters, his female cousins or his work colleagues, without accepting a woman he has had sex with...

It is a self preservation strategy and not without cause, just about every OW on these boards says "We were just friends for ages, then something changed and now we are in an affair..."

Edited September 17, 2017 by elaine567
typos

[Logo]

In my opinion, your girlfriend is secure. She simply doesn't like the fact that you're still best friends with an ex. I can see one maintaining casual platonic contact with an ex, but talking to them 3 times a week and having had that previous intimacy, both sexual and emotional, would turn me off.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd spend less time than usual with the ex for the next few months. Put your girlfriend front and center. Make her feel like she is the only woman in your world.

 

 

I have male friends with whom I spend less time than usual when I'm in a relationship. I usually see them about once -- or twice at the most -- a week. Imagine if I were in a relationship and were meeting one of my exes 3 times a week.

[MJJean]

If you continue being close friends with your ex, this will not be the first gf that will not like it and will probably split up with you over it.

 

Jealousy and especially sexual jealousy is very real and whilst we all like to think as "adults" we will be cool with opposite sex BFF and exes as best friends, it rarely actually works out well as jealousy intervenes.

 

The first bit I totally agree with and hope OP has read and processed.

 

The second bit I disagree with, but I am sure some people are jealous. I am not one of them. I have never been one to seriously date men who have close relationships with exes. I'd enjoy their companionship and sex, but I wouldn't get emotionally involved. My reasons have nothing to do with jealousy. I figure a man who keeps exes in his life has unfinished business with them, isn't actually over them, is maintaining an attachment, and I'd just be wasting my time and energy trying to have a real relationship with someone who appears to not be totally over his previous one.

[kendahke]

What are the scenarios she is inventing?

 

 

The ones on which she's basing her decision to not meet her. She is allowing her imagination to blow up this person to such epic proportions that she has intimidated herself into the victim role here. Feeding fear will always make what you're afraid to face larger than what it is.

 

But as I said, this is because this relationship has been rushed to the point that at 4 months, they are practically living together when the truth of the matter is: they are squarely in the time frame where weak foundational new relationships begin to fail because the representatives that they've relied on to get this going have been dismissed and the real them have come to the fore.

 

I think it is completely reasonable if she does not want to meet his ex-girlfriend or decides to part ways over this. It is not a small issue.

Did I say it was a small issue? No I didn't. The real issue is that they've moved too fast and that is usually done out of a sense of insecurity and living too much in the future and not enough in the now.

[guest569]

The ones on which she's basing her decision to not meet her. She is allowing her imagination to blow up this person to such epic proportions that she has intimidated herself into the victim role here. Feeding fear will always make what you're afraid to face larger than what it is.

 

But as I said, this is because this relationship has been rushed to the point that at 4 months, they are practically living together when the truth of the matter is: they are squarely in the time frame where weak foundational new relationships begin to fail because the representatives that they've relied on to get this going have been dismissed and the real them have come to the fore.

 

Did I say it was a small issue? No I didn't. The real issue is that they've moved too fast and that is usually done out of a sense of insecurity and living too much in the future and not enough in the now.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions based on "she said no to meeting my ex girlfriend". LOL

 

This is a problem that will rear its head and cause drama regardless of how established the relationship is or its pace. It is what it is, and I don't think that slowing down the relationship at this point is going to change it. It will likely make the girlfriend feel less secure.

[Ieris]

This is a problem that will rear its head and cause drama regardless of how established the relationship is or its pace.

 

There is no drama unless someone creates it.

 

---

 

@EpsonEntrada ~ I once had a good friend cut me off because his girlfriend asked him to although she's never met me. 10+ years on, this guy is still trying to get back in my life. He still leaves a card and present at my door on my birthday, I know he is sorry and I don't hate him or anything but I don't need someone who threw away our friendship like it meant nothing. That sort of behavior just tells me a lot about his character and I've totally lost respect for him.

 

It's not uncommon for people to cut off friends and family when they get into a relationship but when that relationship breaks down and they have no one to turn to, they have no one to blame but themselves.

[elaine567]

This is a problem that will rear its head and cause drama regardless of how established the relationship is or its pace. It is what it is, and I don't think that slowing down the relationship at this point is going to change it. It will likely make the girlfriend feel less secure.

 

Yes, meeting the best friend doesn't solve the problem, as this is not about "insecurity" this is about not wanting to share her man with his previous ex.

Who really wants to do that?

She doesn't want a new friend and she especially doesn't want one that has already slept with her bf...

 

How many people would tell a man he should go meet his gf's ex and go hang out as best friends with him?

Would he be seen as "insecure" or "immature", if he said "NO WAY".

No, he would be seen as confident, decisive and "manly".

 

Why is it when women express opinions re exes and OSBF's then it is all put down to her "insecurity" whereas men can say "Hell no" and everyone agrees with him.

Most men will not put up with his gf/partner/wife being best friends with an ex or another dude, whilst he tags on as the third wheel, so why are women supposed to be OK with it..???

[darkmoon]

Unless you enjoy two women competing, please quit.

 

I feel sorry for your girl who might find a more committed guy who actually wants her to be happy and makes sure she is.

 

Just tell the ex to leave it for a while, as she should be doing of her own volition.

Edited September 18, 2017 by darkmoon