Boyfriend cancelling on 1 year anniversary

[georgiagirlie]

As a single person with no kids, I have to do a lot more for him who has two kids-- eg I have to be a lot more flexible for him, spend a lot more on him and his kids, give a lot more time on his kids (taking them to the bathroom eg) etc etc etc, than I will ever get in return. So is it really so much and so horrible of me to ask that he respect and appreciate a dinner on a slightly special occasion? What is all for, otherwise?

 

I have said before and say again that I truly do get how much kids need their parents, but I do think there needs to be common sense here too.

[kendahke]

Thanks again guys.

 

No, he doesn't cancel on me that much, but yes of course he has cancelled. In general when we make plans he sticks to them, but there have been two occasions where we have planned to go away on a trip and he has cancelled both of those.

 

1. We planned to go away last March somewhere hot, and then this other trip came up for him to go skiing with his brother and a friend, he did that instead. He did invite me to go with him, sincerely, but I was annoyed bc we had been planning to go somewhere hot and I dont really ski. So I told him at the time I was annoyed, and I let him know. He was apologetic and said lets plan smth in for August, and then when time came to plan for August, we were idly kind planning, but then I found out from his friend that he was simultaneously also planning to go to Jamaica for a wedding (friend of his friends wedding...)!

 

He didnt end up going to Jamaica but mostly bc the other friend cancelled on him. And we ended up taking two mini-breaks together.

 

We are now supposedly trying to go away together over christmas but we will see......

 

But in general, no he doesn't cancel. Except these two trips which I found quite rude. I know he doesn't have a lot of spare time or free time without the kids, so I think he just sort of jumps at things when he gets the opportunity, but even so. I did not like that he was even considering Jamaica without me after what happened in March with the skiiing thing.

 

Then I dare say it's time to have a really uncomfortable discussion with him that may not end up going the way you want it to go, but you need to have in order to cut the cord on each other.

 

If he's planning trips and not telling you, that means he's trying to get time away from not only his kids, but you, too. That's pretty brutal for a relationship that's in the first year when it's supposed to be all lovey-dovey.

 

It's time to stop romanticizing this guy and to take a long, hard, sober look at what you're selling yourself out on.

[kendahke]

As a single person with no kids, I have to do a lot more for him who has two kids-- eg I have to be a lot more flexible for him, spend a lot more on him and his kids, give a lot more time on his kids (taking them to the bathroom eg) etc etc etc, than I will ever get in return. .

 

and on top of that, you're left out of vacation planning and have to find out from a 3rd party.

[georgiagirlie]

If that is your position, which leads me to believe that you feel a bit taken for granted and not "courted" enough, then why go over there? In a way, you are letting him jerk you around a bit since you feel the way you do about the issues involved tonight. In one way, he's living his reality and inviting you along here and there but seemingly not putting a ton of effort in when it's just about you. Now I totally understand what his responsibilities are and why he must be super busy and overwhelmed and at the same time I understand why you would feel a little bleh about this second hand offer for an underwhelming dinner at home that he yanked away from you and now is offering back... BUT if you accept it, you are doing this to yourself as well. Idk, i think you have some stuff to examine. His life is what his life is AND it doesn't give him permission to take you for granted--unless you've let that become the pattern and are accepting of it.

 

You are right, I don't want to give him permission and set a precedent for taking advantage of me. Appreciate the thought. I'm not going over tomorrow, lol.

[georgiagirlie]

If he's planning trips and not telling you, that means he's trying to get time away from not only his kids, but you, too. That's pretty brutal for a relationship that's in the first year when it's supposed to be all lovey-dovey.

 

It's time to stop romanticizing this guy and to take a long, hard, sober look at what you're selling yourself out on.

 

I hope this is not the case. We generally have lots of fun together and I feel he really does "make time" for me a lot. But yes I agree the whole trip thing was very poor form/unacceptable. There are slightly more complexities to it than that that I don't want to bore you with. But you may have a point that I need to consider more carefully.

[Stephie37]

For a single parent - their kids are always first priority. Regardless.

 

You and this single father are only dating. The websites you posted is irrelevant because the two of you are not married.

 

I suggest you put your own selfishness aside and be more understanding. You and him can always celebrate your 1 yr Anniversary another day. If this is going to cause further conflict in your relationship because you refuse to accept that his kids comes first and you're second, then maybe you need to come to the realization that perhaps he is not your match. And that means walking away.

 

You will not change him, or force him to put you first. I'm sure he struggles balancing you and the kids. It's about making quality time. He has 2 kids, one is sick -I'm sure that one will get a lot of his attention, and the 2nd kid who is not sick has every right to have their own one on one time with their father.

 

Dating a single parent is hard. Especially for a young adult with no kids. If you can't handle just being in a dating relationship with one, then you are not ready to be a step-parent.

 

You can't argue your point when you're just GF when in a marriage - your spouse comes first. There's no comparison - totally different worlds.

 

So I suggest if you want this relationship to work and make it through another year. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. It'll be a tough conversation, it may be hard for him to hear, but he needs to understand where you're coming from. This could bring you two closer together. Or it could break you. And this wouldn't be calling him out on it. Doing that would be the adult thing to do, mature thing, showing him that you are verbal about what you need/want from him. Let him make it up to you.

 

And one more thing , you need and should be more understanding of his children. He will forever be their father. Whether you two only date or marry... nothing is guaranteed what'll happen between you two. A relationship is what you make of it.

 

Be less selfish, be thoughtful, help him take care of his sick kid, bond with his kids, show him that you are in it for the long haul, and talk about making up the canceled anniversary dinner. Maybe make a weekend trip out of it. Whatever.. but sick kids needs their parent... anniversary dinners can happen any time. And just know, this doesn't mean he doesn't care or love you any less. This shows that this man is a wonderful father.. and you should be grateful and lucky to have him in your life.

[georgiagirlie]

I suggest you put your own selfishness aside and be more understanding.

 

The irony here made me laugh. There are so many selfless things that I do for his kids, and that is precisely why it matters to me that he does something in return. And the only reason I made this an issue is because he mentioned to me that he would be going CYCLING with his kids earlier in the day. So if he is capable of cycling, why is he not up to dinner? That is all. It was NEVER about sick kids vs poor me not getting my dinner. It was me questioning things a little because he's talking about going CYCLING in the day with his kids, yet then being too sick in the evening to have dinner with me. Which i think is a legitimate concern on my part, and I'm trying to figure it out. He did invite me to go cycling btw, but it bothers me, bc I feel he doesn't mind me coming along to help/as amusement, but then when it comes to something for me, he is too sick again.

[GemmaUK]

I don't have kids myself but I don't think he did anything wrong.

 

He's not just balancing life with two little ones and a girlfriend he's balancing emotions as well as sickness too right at this point.

 

Children can become clingy when they're sick, The non sick child also won't be terribly considerate of cancelling plans due to Dad being sick and their sibling being sick - hence the cycling being on (or there could have been a whole pile of trauma in his house that day!).

What he can rely on here is that you're a grown woman and emotionally capable of understanding that.

The dinner, well, he was also recovering, was unsure how the sick child would be or whether the OK child would have started having symptoms also. Anyone who has ever been ill knows that you always feel worse once the evening comes around and being ill makes most people I know tired and grumpier than usual.

 

He did invite you cycling, me? I would have grabbed that and then played it later by ear depending how everyone was feeling.

You didn't wan to go, then he did invite you over and you didn't want to go either.

 

Cut him some slack, be considerate and look to the positives - sickness over - plan something nice for your anniversary. Sometimes life gets in the way of things like that.

 

For what it's worth I think he did the best thing for all of you, he did invite you, he did say he would play it by ear so you were aware and he did follow up on that too.

 

Perhaps dating a guy with sole custody of two little ones is not for you.

[Cersei]

Here is how I see it:

 

He did not realize how important this anniversary was to you. Some people see this milestone as less important than others do. He may have even forgot abut your plans.

 

He was trying to give you a warning that tomorrow may be a sick day at home due to the sick kid. He maybe shoukd have said nothing. Or he may have even been venting about the poor, sick kid.

 

He mentioned the cycling in hopes of the kid feeling better or even forgetting how the kid was feeling (a memory lapse or scatter brain which happens to us all).

 

When thinking of a get together perhaps always say "Do you have plans with your kids today?" Then take it from there if he is free.

[LovelyRose]

My point was that why is he doing this other recreational activity with them then? He says they are going bicycling to this local market. If he/they are able to do that, then why is he cancelling our dinner? I don't think he is lying about being sick, I know he has been under the weather. I just feel that he is trying to balance activities to keep the non-sick child busy, but I feel that if he is able to take a sick child bicycling, then they cant be that sick. And I feel if he rested and didn't do that activity then maybe he wouldn't have to cancel our dinner because they would be better. He could easily do some other more sedate activity to keep the non-sick child busy.

 

It's a complicated situation, I get that. Just as having kids is difficult, it's also hard being a partner or gf to someone with kids. I'm worried I'm starting to feel that for all I give, I don't really get in return, and I feel that my boyfriend should appreciate what I do for him/them, and one way to show this appreciation would be to hold steady on smth like a dinner... especially if you are able to all go out cycling earlier in the day.

 

My concern is that it shows a lack of respect to me. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion though, which is why I decided to make this post, so I could be grounded a little bit.

 

I love his kids and I am choosing to be in this relationship, and genuinely enjoy it, but I also wish people would recognise that it's a lot more work for the non-bio parent. And so it would be nice to be appreciated a bit more, and "anniversaries", as artificial as they are, are a time to show this appreciation. I also disagree that this is not an anniversary. It's not the same as a wedding anniversary, I agree, and overall anniversaries are a bit silly, but it's still something and I don't think it's fair to negate it completely.

 

 

 

From my experience, men (parent or not) do a lot of things that can drive a partner crazy because it doesn't make sense. Understanding his logic why he would take them cycling and cancel your date is tough. You may never get the answer that will satisfy you.

 

NO you don't call him out on this. Instead, you communicate and express yourself calmly with respect. Then patiently listen and understand his reasoning. He's already sick and dealing with a sick child. Don't add to his burden. I know you didn't but I just want to comment on your original thread.

 

I am a single mom of two and I understand where you're coming from. I don't necessarily agree with how you've handled some things but I give you props for all your efforts. NO you're not wrong for making your anniversary a huge deal. I am like that too. But keep in mind that guys care less about those things, again, parent or not. Sometimes we just have to suck it up.

 

He didn't completely cancel but instead he said play it by ear, which he ended up pushing through. Another poster is correct. When I am sick, I could be somewhat fine during the day but at night I am miserably sick. Give your bf the benefit of the doubt, maybe this is the case for them.

 

You should have gone cycling with them. You have every right to feel negative about the dinner date but you would have shown him what a great and supportive gf you are if you went cycling despite what you're feeling. That should've given you a little comfort that your bf is still trying to spend time with you.

 

Also if it seems that you are already integrated with his kids, couldn't you just offer to come over and take care of your bf and his kids? I would've said:

 

" I can't honestly say I'm completely ok with this but I respect you and understand. I hope you guys feel better. How about I come over and bring some soup for you and the boys?"

 

Once he and his kid are healed, then calmly address the whole anniversary thing with him that it is a big deal. It doesn't matter what everyone says. It's what YOU believe.

 

It seems to me that there's a lot more underlying issues besides this event. Reading all your posts shows you have more concerns and things have been bothering you.

 

His kids will always come first. You will have a lot of moments where you will feel neglected, unappreciated, and at the bottom of his priorities. But YOU have the power to change that as well. Acting all butthurt (sorry, no offense meant) and not joining them for cycling and not push through with your dinner definitely will not help you feel better.

 

Your bf can't figure it all out on his own. I know there's always a fine line between being supportive and allowing someone to jerk you around. But if you really want to make this work, you will eventually learn how to tell the two apart. Follow your womanly instincts yes. But also keep a VERY open mind, lots of patience and above all, trust and faith in your relationship. Communicate with your bf. That's very important. Good luck!

Edited September 17, 2017 by LovelyRose

[georgiagirlie]

The non sick child also won't be terribly considerate of cancelling plans due to Dad being sick and their sibling being sick - hence the cycling being on (or there could have been a whole pile of trauma in his house that day!).

 

The kids would not have known anything about the cycling. It wasn't something planned way in the past. It was just a possible activity for them - something they do quite often/have done several time this summer already.

 

He did invite you cycling, me? I would have grabbed that and then played it later by ear depending how everyone was feeling.

You didn't wan to go, then he did invite you over and you didn't want to go either.

 

The thing is there are tons of things I do where he invites me to something with the kids (semi-last minute) and I go along. But it just so happens that today when the cycling is supposed to happen I have plans that I can't cancel so I can't go unless I cancel my plans.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[georgiagirlie]

From my experience, men (parent or not) do a lot of things that can drive a partner crazy because it doesn't make sense. Understanding his logic why he would take them cycling and cancel your date is tough.

 

LOL. Good to know.

 

I am a single mom of two and I understand where you're coming from. I don't necessarily agree with how you've handled some things but I give you props for all your efforts. NO you're not wrong for making your anniversary a huge deal.

 

I'm curious to know what you think I have not handled properly. I havent made a big deal of the anniversary actually. Last weekend I told him that this Sunday would mark one year since our first date, and he suggested that I go over to his place for dinner tonight, as he wouldn't be able to get babysitting (this was before he knew any of them would be sick). And I said ok. That is the extent of our discussions on the whole "anniversary" thing.

 

Also if it seems that you are already integrated with his kids, couldn't you just offer to come over and take care of your bf and his kids? I would've said:

 

" I can't honestly say I'm completely ok with this but I respect you and understand. I hope you guys feel better. How about I come over and bring some soup for you and the boys?"

 

That's precisely why this bothers me that he cancelled our dinner. Because the so called *dinner* only ever involved me going over to his place and spending the night there. So I would naturally have been helping them anyway when I go over. I also did offer on Friday to help out if he needs anything.

 

It seems to me that there's a lot more underlying issues besides this event. Reading all your posts shows you have more concerns and things have been bothering you.

 

We had been talking about me spending more time at his place with the kids so that is probably why I am upset that he cancelled me going over. That is the root of my upset probably.

 

I know there's always a fine line between being supportive and allowing someone to jerk you around. But if you really want to make this work, you will eventually learn how to tell the two apart.

 

Yep, that is what I'm trying to do.

 

Follow your womanly instincts yes. But also keep a VERY open mind, lots of patience and above all, trust and faith in your relationship. Communicate with your bf. That's very important. Good luck!

 

Thank you, LovelyRose...

[Els]

Kids should always come over a girlfriend of one year.

 

That being said, I do think people are being a bit hard on you. It is understandable that he is putting his kids first, but also understandable that you feel upset about him canceling on an occasion that you personally find meaningful (I don't do dating anniversaries, but if it's meaningful to YOU, that's all that matters).

 

Perhaps you may want to reconsider dating a man with kids. It does tend to be slightly one-sided when a person with small children dates a person who is child-free - the child-free person is generally expected to be selfless and understand that their partner's kids come first (whereas they themselves are putting their partner first). That is why if I were single, I would likely only date fellow child-free folks.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks again guys.

 

No, he doesn't cancel on me that much, but yes of course he has cancelled. In general when we make plans he sticks to them, but there have been two occasions where we have planned to go away on a trip and he has cancelled both of those.

 

1. We planned to go away last March somewhere hot, and then this other trip came up for him to go skiing with his brother and a friend, he did that instead. He did invite me to go with him, sincerely, but I was annoyed bc we had been planning to go somewhere hot and I dont really ski. So I told him at the time I was annoyed, and I let him know. He was apologetic and said lets plan smth in for August, and then when time came to plan for August, we were idly kind planning, but then I found out from his friend that he was simultaneously also planning to go to Jamaica for a wedding (friend of his friends wedding...)!

 

He didnt end up going to Jamaica but mostly bc the other friend cancelled on him. And we ended up taking two mini-breaks together.

 

We are now supposedly trying to go away together over christmas but we will see......

 

But in general, no he doesn't cancel. Except these two trips which I found quite rude. I know he doesn't have a lot of spare time or free time without the kids, so I think he just sort of jumps at things when he gets the opportunity, but even so. I did not like that he was even considering Jamaica without me after what happened in March with the skiiing thing.

 

I agree with Elyswyth, I think people are being too hard on you. Of course, it does seem like you know the kids come first. That's why you do lots of stuff with them all, like a little pseudo family. I'm curious what plans does he NOT cancel on you if he has full custody. To me, when you add in these vacation examples to the scenario, it seems even more like what I was imagining: that he slots you in to stuff he already has to do which is why you do lots of stuff with his kids and then when it comes to making "plans" and going above and beyond he will do it for himself (or even his friends) but not include you. In other words, when he is taking a break from his "dad" life, he chooses to do that without you. When he must do all his things that he must do as a father, you're invited generally--maybe in a way that props him up and supports what he's got going but never stuff that is just about you or just about you and him.

 

I don't think it's fair for people to call you selfish when that's exactly what I would call his behavior here when you described these vacation scenarios. Problems are always multi-layered but in general I think he's taking you for granted. He may not be capable due to his responsibilities as a father OR just his character. I don't think because he is father of the year means you have to put up with being taken for granted if that is indeed what is going on. I mean what does he do for just you? As I said in my previous post, there are plenty of dads who manage to treat their girlfriends well and handle their dad responsibilities. This "scenario" is one that happens a lot (i.e. one partner or the other is being taken for granted for VARIOUS reasons, kids, work, friends, just because) --in this case, it is clouded by the kids issue. Where you feel and people are guilt tripping you like you haven't been understanding enough about the kids. You sound like you might even being doing that to yourself. If I were in your shoes, I'd be fine letting the anniversary dinner slide and rescheduling it. The bigger issue where you are not even quite sure he will come through on a vacation and doesn't prioritize you, I wouldn't let slide. Sometimes I think when a pattern between a couple has been established it's hard to break it, especially on something like this. As someone said, it might just be time to face the hard facts of is it worth continuing with this guy. You sound reasonable enough that if this were just about the dinner, it wouldn't even be a post and you would have dealt with it alone and probably easily bent again. But when you are constantly giving and never getting, the it confuses the issue (bigger issue). I truly don't think this is just about the dinner. Don't let him put you last and see if he steps up to the plate. Good luck

[smackie9]

IMO, this isn't about the kids, or the importance of the kids....this is about him, and how he has treated the OP. Him going with his desire for the ski trip over a romantic tropical trip to be with his women is a red flag. Especially when he made a promise to her. To me, that's a deal breaker. The OP has been nothing but understanding, accommodating, and has put in effort for the kids....and this is what she gets? I totally see how she feels taken advatage of. There is nothing stopping him from ordering pizza, picking up some flowers, and rent a movie where everyone can sit and enjoy the evening or even have the little ones go to bed early. He's being a lazy BF. OP I would step back, set your feelings aside and reassess this relationship. Maybe it's just not for you.

[Poutrew]

The dinner he cancelled, then said for you to come over raises alarm bells. I am thinking like a man on this one. Just because he is a dad doesn't mean his life is over. Sounds to me like he made other plans that night - not necessarily dating related, just plans he didn't want you to be in on. When they fell through, or he finished them up early, he then gave you the green light to grace his doorstep. Be careful OP. Your man harbors secrets he doesn't want you to know about... and the fact that you are here posting about this tells me that your gut is telling you the same thing.

[stillafool]

I think the kids come first no matter what. If a man did not put his kids first, over me, I would not respect him. This is why I never dated men with kids. OP, if you plan to be with this man expect to always be second.

[coolheadal]

Oops, and again, I hadn't seen your posts, Snow_Queen and Grays before my last post. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Not that we don't know you we know where you coming from that's all. You have to understand if you don't have kids either you can't understand that he has to set rules and make plans with his kids. They come first you come dead last. If you don't like that fact then you need to find a guy who doesn't have kids like you do and date that other guy instead. That's why men and women who don't have kids should date and those that don't have kids shouldn't take others who have kids. There is always an issue when it comes to single partners who have kids in tow. Your the one that has the problem, but if I was you just either deal with the issue or tell him quits and go find a man with kids.

[preraph]

It was a special occasion. Maybe he should have put the sick kids to bed early and give him her some privacy and had a little celebration at home. There had to be a way to acknowledge the anniversary.

[LovelyRose]

The kids would not have known anything about the cycling. It wasn't something planned way in the past. It was just a possible activity for them - something they do quite often/have done several time this summer already.

 

 

 

The thing is there are tons of things I do where he invites me to something with the kids (semi-last minute) and I go along. But it just so happens that today when the cycling is supposed to happen I have plans that I can't cancel so I can't go unless I cancel my plans.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

 

Ok so the cycling thing was that you really couldn't go. I thought you just didn't go because you were upset.

[smackie9]

I don't know why everyone is on her back about the kids come first, she is well aware of this. She hasn't made one complaint about the kids and their priority. From what I see, he is putting himself first. It is suspect because what he tells her about his plans keep changing. I'm just wondering if the ex is in town doing her semi annual visit and it happens to be on that day. He just didn't want to tell her, knowing it would cause an argument. Or he wanted to play poker with the guys, etc. I feel he is using the kids as an excuse so he can go do what he wants. This is what the OP is inquiring about. To see if anyone else suspects the same thing. I would have to agree with her. Something is not quite right.

[LovelyRose]

LOL. Good to know.

 

 

 

I'm curious to know what you think I have not handled properly. I havent made a big deal of the anniversary actually. Last weekend I told him that this Sunday would mark one year since our first date, and he suggested that I go over to his place for dinner tonight, as he wouldn't be able to get babysitting (this was before he knew any of them would be sick). And I said ok. That is the extent of our discussions on the whole "anniversary" thing.

 

 

 

That's precisely why this bothers me that he cancelled our dinner. Because the so called *dinner* only ever involved me going over to his place and spending the night there. So I would naturally have been helping them anyway when I go over. I also did offer on Friday to help out if he needs anything.

 

 

 

We had been talking about me spending more time at his place with the kids so that is probably why I am upset that he cancelled me going over. That is the root of my upset probably.

 

 

 

Yep, that is what I'm trying to do.

 

 

 

Thank you, LovelyRose...

 

 

 

 

 

 

-One was the cycling where you didn't go but now I saw you just had other plans already. With how you described above, I am more convinced that your bf probably didn't think the one year dinner is a big deal because you made it sound just casual. So cancelling it is no biggie since it's a legit reason. You know deep inside it is huge for you. I agree. Therefore you should've made him aware of that.

 

- Sometimes men think of easier option. He is probably concerned about you too. He probably don't want you to get sick. My bf does that. But I will insist that I don't mind I just want to take care of him. I know when we get emotional we tend to just assume bad things. I am guilty of that too. He probably knows he may not be all fun to be around so he rather not have you come. He probably feels bad having you take care of them.

 

 

 

- I don't know the whole conversation but I can only guess. My ex husband's mentality about future gf is he said that he will never introduce the gf to our kid until they are about to get married. I don't agree with that. I believe my kid should get to know my bf after a certain point. I need to know that my kid and my bf will surely get along. In this case, maybe he wants you to be part of his kids but at a certain pace. Maybe having you there a lot is a bit too much too soon? You can't really rush things like this. You have to dance to his rhythmn on this one.

 

I know your bf had few red flags already like him cancelling your vacation at the last minute. You're the one in this situation and the one that knows your bf well. Overall it looks like you are doing your best in this situation about dealing with his kids. Only thing I'm not clear is how well you communicate with him. Like do you tell him when things upset you or you just say ok and then refuse to accept his invite if it's not what you originally planned?

 

If your gut is telling you that he's worth it still, then work harder and extend your patience even more. At the same time, guide him and tell him how you feel and how to work on a compromise so both of you are happy and comfortable.

 

One important question too. Does he still want to have kids in case you do?

[Versacehottie]

-One was the cycling where you didn't go but now I saw you just had other plans already. With how you described above, I am more convinced that your bf probably didn't think the one year dinner is a big deal because you made it sound just casual. So cancelling it is no biggie since it's a legit reason. You know deep inside it is huge for you. I agree. Therefore you should've made him aware of that.

 

- Sometimes men think of easier option. He is probably concerned about you too. He probably don't want you to get sick. My bf does that. But I will insist that I don't mind I just want to take care of him. I know when we get emotional we tend to just assume bad things. I am guilty of that too. He probably knows he may not be all fun to be around so he rather not have you come. He probably feels bad having you take care of them.

 

 

 

- I don't know the whole conversation but I can only guess. My ex husband's mentality about future gf is he said that he will never introduce the gf to our kid until they are about to get married. I don't agree with that. I believe my kid should get to know my bf after a certain point. I need to know that my kid and my bf will surely get along. In this case, maybe he wants you to be part of his kids but at a certain pace. Maybe having you there a lot is a bit too much too soon? You can't really rush things like this. You have to dance to his rhythmn on this one.

 

I know your bf had few red flags already like him cancelling your vacation at the last minute. You're the one in this situation and the one that knows your bf well. Overall it looks like you are doing your best in this situation about dealing with his kids. Only thing I'm not clear is how well you communicate with him. Like do you tell him when things upset you or you just say ok and then refuse to accept his invite if it's not what you originally planned?

 

If your gut is telling you that he's worth it still, then work harder and extend your patience even more. At the same time, guide him and tell him how you feel and how to work on a compromise so both of you are happy and comfortable.

 

One important question too. Does he still want to have kids in case you do?

 

I agree with a lot of what you've said here. The one thing bolded is interesting & to me, the crux of the "issue"/symptom: the boyfriend probably didn't think canceling the dinner was a big deal because HE made it casual and no big deal to begin with, i think. (half ass if you ask me) Sounds like he does that a lot. I think he dialed down what he offers up to her to bare minimum or just a touch above, such as a dinner at home for a one year anniversary that's not really that special because it's what they do all the time. She keeps reducing her needs to almost nothing BECAUSE she understands his constraints etc.

 

But as smackie said he puts himself first, using kids as an excuse probably more than is accurate. I mean, we've all heard of a babysitter, right? I actually wouldn't respect a guy who wasn't a good dad either and didn't take care of his responsibilities but if he was really sick/not feeling well and same with the kids and it wasn't the best night, maybe it would have been better to just stick with canceled for tonight, let me make it up to you with a real night out next week. It's not that difficult really. Guys who flip flop a lot with their needs out in front in the biggest way are great at using "important" things such as school, work, kids, family as the shield so that they can do whatever they want. That may be a little extreme for what is going on here only the OP really would have a better idea. But I also don't think it is just what it appears to be on the surface. Look it's a perfect excuse, seeing as people come down so hard about it and lots of guilt surrounding it. I'm sure he's used a version of "kids" excuse many times. It's about as safe an excuse as a guy could come up with. No arguing with it.

 

* doesn't change that my advice is that she could easily/should easily let the actual night/tonight go. That's no big deal. Provided people are sick and half-assing it who would want to be there?? But she should expect and hold out for better treatment for herself--with this guy or if she has to with the next one in general

Edited September 17, 2017 by Versacehottie

[georgiagirlie]

IMO, this isn't about the kids, or the importance of the kids....this is about him, and how he has treated the OP. Him going with his desire for the ski trip over a romantic tropical trip to be with his women is a red flag. Especially when he made a promise to her. To me, that's a deal breaker. The OP has been nothing but understanding, accommodating, and has put in effort for the kids....and this is what she gets? I totally see how she feels taken advatage of. There is nothing stopping him from ordering pizza, picking up some flowers, and rent a movie where everyone can sit and enjoy the evening or even have the little ones go to bed early. He's being a lazy BF. OP I would step back, set your feelings aside and reassess this relationship. Maybe it's just not for you.

 

Eek, thank you Smackie, you are right..

[georgiagirlie]

the boyfriend probably didn't think canceling the dinner was a big deal because HE made it casual and no big deal to begin with, i think. (half ass if you ask me) Sounds like he does that a lot. I think he dialed down what he offers up to her to bare minimum or just a touch above, such as a dinner at home for a one year anniversary that's not really that special because it's what they do all the time. She keeps reducing her needs to almost nothing BECAUSE she understands his constraints etc.

 

But as smackie said he puts himself first, using kids as an excuse probably more than is accurate.

 

hmm, I think that's true.. when I said it's one year since our first date he did sort of dial it down by suggesting we have dinner at his home and even after this weekend, he still hasn't suggested rescheduling anything.

 

I think that's a good point too, about using the kids as an excuse. It sounds so obvious now, but I had never even thought about that before. Because I do know how all-consuming kids are. But it's definitely something to consider....

 

I've decided that we definitely need to have a conversation. And I've made a list of notes from all your various posts, LOL, of things to mention to him:

 

- Basic boyfriend activities

- planning trips without me/cancelling on me

- being taken advantage of

- not meeting my needs, etc. etc.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and help, which I greatly appreciate.