Boyfriend cancelling on 1 year anniversary

[georgiagirlie]

Hello,

I would appreciate your thoughts on how to respond to a text I just received from my boyfriend.

 

We have been dating for one year now. He looks after his two children full time, they are small. He has also been under the weather the last few days with a cold. But we made plans to have dinner tomorrow as it is out 1 year anniversary.

 

He now says one of children has come down with something, so he has to play tomorrow by ear. That would be understandable, under normal circumstances. But he then goes on to mention doing some other recreational activity with both the kids tomorrow, which seems odd if one of them is sick (and if he has been sick). And it hurts me that he's willing to do that activity yet cancel our dinner.

 

I feel I am very understanding most of the time regarding anything to do with his children, but as this is our "anniversary" of dating, I do feel hurt and feel that for once I should sort of be a priority.

 

I want to call him out in my text as to why he is able to do this other activity yet cannot make dinner, but it is not my style to do that. At the same time, I don't want to be taken for a fool.

I would appreciate your thoughts on how to respond so that I can call him out in a fair, legitimate way.

 

Thanks in advance...

Edited September 16, 2017 by georgiagirlie

[uncorked]

His kids will (or should) always be his first priority. I wouldn't make too much of this unless it's a pattern. You can celebrate another day. I know a bunch of people who are getting colds in the past week....tis the season!

[Gaeta]

Let me guess, you do not have children of your own?

 

One year *dating* is not an anniversary, it's a date on a calendar. He had to take care of his kids on that day and cancelled, between you and the kids YOU can wait another day to go out.

 

That's what it is like to have kids. One day they are sick with fever and the following hour they are better, it doesn't mean you leave them to a babysitter, it's still better to watch over that child yourself in case the fever comes back.

[basil67]

Common sense says that if the child is well, he will do the activity and then have dinner with you is planned. But if the child is sick, then neither activity will be happening.

 

Also, think of the sitter. I've minded sick children myself and ended up sick because of it. Ain't nobody got time for dat.

[georgiagirlie]

My point was that why is he doing this other recreational activity with them then? He says they are going bicycling to this local market. If he/they are able to do that, then why is he cancelling our dinner? I don't think he is lying about being sick, I know he has been under the weather. I just feel that he is trying to balance activities to keep the non-sick child busy, but I feel that if he is able to take a sick child bicycling, then they cant be that sick. And I feel if he rested and didn't do that activity then maybe he wouldn't have to cancel our dinner because they would be better. He could easily do some other more sedate activity to keep the non-sick child busy.

 

It's a complicated situation, I get that. Just as having kids is difficult, it's also hard being a partner or gf to someone with kids. I'm worried I'm starting to feel that for all I give, I don't really get in return, and I feel that my boyfriend should appreciate what I do for him/them, and one way to show this appreciation would be to hold steady on smth like a dinner... especially if you are able to all go out cycling earlier in the day.

 

My concern is that it shows a lack of respect to me. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion though, which is why I decided to make this post, so I could be grounded a little bit.

 

I love his kids and I am choosing to be in this relationship, and genuinely enjoy it, but I also wish people would recognise that it's a lot more work for the non-bio parent. And so it would be nice to be appreciated a bit more, and "anniversaries", as artificial as they are, are a time to show this appreciation. I also disagree that this is not an anniversary. It's not the same as a wedding anniversary, I agree, and overall anniversaries are a bit silly, but it's still something and I don't think it's fair to negate it completely.

[georgiagirlie]

Thanks all.

 

Basil - I hadn't seen your post before I posted mine.

 

Appreciate all your thoughts.. thanks again.

[Lorenza]

Well, I'm not quite sure how "calling him out" on this would even work out - "So your kid is sick enough to cancel our dinner plans, but not sick enough to do some activities with him/her?". Just plain wrong, since he's a father first and your boyfriend second.

 

Also don't put that much significance on things like 1 year anniversary. 1 year of dating means little in the big picture and could literally end anytime for any reason. I understand people celebrating 20 years of marriage, but 1 year is hardly an anniversary, imo

[Snow_Queen]

As a single mother, I can say that sometimes when you have made prior plans with your children it can devastating to them if canceled. It may seem like a small thing but to a child it makes them very sad when something they've looked forward to is cancelled suddenly.

 

Yes, his child may have been coming down with something but perhaps it was mild enough to still engage in the activity. I hope that helps shed some light on the situation.

[grays]

I'm an outlier here, I guess, bc I think OP has a good point. IMO, the children come first almost all the time. Certainly, everything should be dropped if one of them is truly ill, like throwing up or a fever or something. But on the thirsd day or so of a cold? I'd balance that against whatever the committment was -- and one year dating anniversary, especially if my partner was looking forward to it, would trump me staying home to watch my kid sit on the couch watching tv and sniffling. I would probably pick up some juice my kid loves and spend an hour snuggling w him before I go out.

 

And I dont see why OP shouldnt be excited about this anniversay. My ex and I routinely forgot our wedding anniversary, but we alway made a big deal of the anniversary of our first kiss.

[georgiagirlie]

Yeah, so I responded, did not end up calling him out on anything. Just said I hoped he felt better and to let me know re. tomorrow.

 

But, to all the people who say that kids come first, no matter what: I disagree -

 

https://familyshare.com/19999/4-key-reasons-why-it-matters-to-put-your-spouse-before-your-children

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201111/who-comes-first-the-kids-or-the-marriage

 

Priorities in the Blended Family - MarriageToday

 

None of you know me, and so you may think I'm some horrible person for saying the above, but I think it's about mutual respect and doing what's right in the situation. It's not about people - children or partners - coming above others. And sometimes that means a partner will come before children, and vice versa.

 

Of course children are more vulnerable and dependent on their parents, and they have certain needs that exceed my own because of that, and I would never deny them that.

 

But I find it a little bit hackneyed (and annoying..) for people to always just say that kids will always come first, always, period. I think you have to have a *spirit* where you are willing to put the kids first, again and again. But I don't think it literally means they have to come first every single time. I mean, as a partner, who is not their biological mother, I am giving up a lot, financially, time-wise, energy wise to these children. And many many other step-parents do the same.

Granted we are not married, but we have talked about it, and we love each other. And I am helpful to him as a single Dad and we have talked about the kids thinking about me as their new mom etc etc.

 

It's a complicated issue for sure.

[georgiagirlie]

Oops, and again, I hadn't seen your posts, Snow_Queen and Grays before my last post. Thanks for your thoughts.

[bpb2017]

As a single mother, I can say that sometimes when you have made prior plans with your children it can devastating to them if canceled. It may seem like a small thing but to a child it makes them very sad when something they've looked forward to is cancelled suddenly.

When I was a kid there were many cancelled plans. Now as an adult if something doesn't happen my way, or a date changes I don't throw a fit because I understand that it can happen. No wonder the youth are so messed up, they have parents that created a fake fairytale wonderland!

 

Let me guess, you do not have children of your own?

 

One year *dating* is not an anniversary, it's a date on a calendar.

To the OP it's an anniversary. Just because the guy has kids doesn't mean he gets extra privileges over the girl and neglect basic boyfriend activities.

 

My concern is that it shows a lack of respect to me. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion though, which is why I decided to make this post, so I could be grounded a little bit.

It is a lack of respect and you're not blowing this out of proportion. He's a single (unmarried) dad, it doesn't excuse him from behaving like any other boyfriend and doing things with you as his gf. If you just let this go then it sets a precedent that it's okay for him to just forget about celebrations or gestures like this and makes it seem like your relationship is something that will never be serious.

[preraph]

Well, I would definitely just say, I don't get it. You said you and the kids were sick and that's why you can't go to dinner, but then you said you and the kids could go with me to do something. It makes no sense.

 

Let him explain that. Don't act mad. Act totally confused by what he said.

[HarmonyDriven]

Maybe......your boyfriend does not value anniversaries like you do? Anniversaries are not silly. They are milestones. But, a one year anniversary via dating would be a small milestone.

 

Who knows, maybe he will send you flowers? Maybe a nice card? Maybe set another date for dinner?

 

IMO, while it is a little disappointing, in the grand scheme of things, if you love him, it's not a big deal. But, with some of other things you note, it makes me wonder if you are truly happy in this relationship. Maybe (overall) he is not meeting your needs.

 

You keep noting it is complicated. Really, it isn't. Relationships take work, but not that much work, or at least the ones that last. If your relationship is too difficult, then maybe you two are not a match.

 

I do think the boyfriend should have called you versus sending a text. This says a lot. But your text response probably indicated to him that it was not a big deal??

 

It sounds like boyfriend was not feeling well, his kids not feeling well....so probably best to wait a few days before getting together....?

[rushed]

But, to all the people who say that kids come first, no matter what: I disagree -

 

https://familyshare.com/19999/4-key-reasons-why-it-matters-to-put-your-spouse-before-your-children

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201111/who-comes-first-the-kids-or-the-marriage

 

Priorities in the Blended Family - MarriageToday

 

None of you know me, and so you may think I'm some horrible person for saying the above, but I think it's about mutual respect and doing what's right in the situation. It's not about people - children or partners - coming above others. And sometimes that means a partner will come before children, and vice versa.

 

I totally agree with the message of the links that you posted. However, that doesn't apply to your situation. It's for couples who are married and/or living together. You guys have just been dating for one year.

 

Sometimes when a kid is sick, they might feel better during the day, but then feel awful at night, which might be why your BF wishes to stay with them.

[act00]

Kids trump girlfriend. That is how it's supposed to be.

 

It's stupid to plop the young and infectious little creature into a vat of other children, but he's being fun daddy on his every-other-weekend, and he will then deposit the sick and unrested child back in his mother's arms to deal with, and she's the one who is going to miss work to deal with the sick child...you picked a winner in the boyfriend department...yay.

 

You don't get to prioritize yourself over his kids. You can celebrate your "one year" next weekend. If you're trying to compete or pull a power play on your boyfriend's children, you are going to lose. This isn't a competition. You are involved with a man with children. You are the potential stepmommy. If this doesn't appeal to you, find someone who hasn't produced offspring.

 

Children muck up date nights all the time.

[Versacehottie]

I think your question is a fair one....and a very difficult one to answer. I agree with those that have said he probably doesn't hold the actual DAY in the same value as you do and thinks rescheduling it is no big deal. There are two things at play IMO.

 

A*Wanting to make sure he prioritizes you in a way that is reflective of the length of time you've been together, level of seriousness of the relationship, and how he chooses to show his respect for you--and how you communicate what you need and expect regarding that.

 

B*The actual anniversary celebration.

 

To me, the second one, B, even if you are miffed for all the things in A is an easy answer: if he is sick-ish and spread thin, YOU will have a better time and enjoy the night and celebration more if you just postpone it--which is probably what he is thinking in a shortcut kinda guy way. So I would totally, for the sake of a great night, just let it be some other one.

 

For the first consideration, A. I know people and yourself are getting caught up in the kids vs the gf issue, but I'm sure you'd feel this way WHOever the other infringing party is, right? I mean the real issue is that you are looking for assurance of your priority and importance in your life and that he is not dismissive of your emotions and respectful of your time and special things to you. I think rational you know his kids come first--for many reasons among them that he is in their life to protect and guide them and as adult you can fend for yourself much more. You are not wrong for wanting to be treated with consideration and it ALSO doesn't mean they aren't first in his life. Both can be true. Now, how to handle this situation. Ugh, hard one seriously. If you speak up and get him in defensive mode, he will probably really dig his heels in--just like you are getting from others on your thread (who I'm guessing are parents as well) because that is a challenge to his identity. So I wouldn't make that the issue for sure. Or I'm guessing you will continue to revisit it and revisit it.

 

Wondering if there has been previous history where you feel like he has not prioritized you OR if celebrating on the actual date or honoring that commitment is something you hold tight (perhaps too tightly for your own good)? If it's about the celebration alone than I think you can be flexible--just express that you are a little disappointed and how important these celebrations on the promised date are and then let it go. If you have other evidence where you feel like you have not been prioritized in general then you need to evaluate a lot--this cancelled date is then just a symptom of a bigger issue that needs to be dealt with. I'm not sure how--probably need more info if that's the case & issues where you perceive that you are not being prioritized are some of the most difficult to deal with IMO. Good luck

[georgiagirlie]

^

He has the kids all the time. Their mother is not in the picture. They live with him and he is the primary care-giver. They only see their mother once or twice a year.

 

Anyway, this *dinner* we were planning only ever involved me going over to his place with the kids being there. It wasn't some fancy thing. It was just something casual to mark it/to spend time together. And as I said, I would not have thought twice about cancelling except that he mentioned doing this cycling earlier in the day (which btw I don't think the kids knew anything about - he knows not to over promise to his kids and never tells them things in advance).

 

He has since texted me that I should come over after all even though his son is still sick, since he is feeling better, but I think I will just forget it. LOL if only he knew how much thought I had expended on this now. But it's been very helpful to me.

 

I don't think our relationship in general is complicated btw. I just think managing someone else's children is. And I am definitely not trying to compete with them, but I think it is healthy to make sure that you matter in a relationship and to reflect on how you matter vis-a-vis other priorities in your partner's life. Trust me, I really do get how much his kids need him, and how important he is in their lives. But I dont think it means it trumps and invalidates that person's relationship with everyone else in their life EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

Thanks again for all your thoughts - I appreciate it. Especially Bpb2017 and preraph.

[kendahke]

Does he cancel on you a lot, or is this a one off thing and he usually is good about accommodating you?

 

This isn't the fight you want to have unless you are ready to end it now because that's what most likely is going to happen if you try to flex on him about him putting you before his children.

 

If this happens a lot, then perhaps your relationship isn't what you think it is for him.

[Versacehottie]

^

He has the kids all the time. Their mother is not in the picture. They live with him and he is the primary care-giver. They only see their mother once or twice a year.

 

Anyway, this *dinner* we were planning only ever involved me going over to his place with the kids being there. It wasn't some fancy thing. It was just something casual to mark it/to spend time together. And as I said, I would not have thought twice about cancelling except that he mentioned doing this cycling earlier in the day (which btw I don't think the kids knew anything about - he knows not to over promise to his kids and never tells them things in advance).

 

He has since texted me that I should come over after all even though his son is still sick, since he is feeling better, but I think I will just forget it. LOL if only he knew how much thought I had expended on this now. But it's been very helpful to me.

 

I don't think our relationship in general is complicated btw. I just think managing someone else's children is. And I am definitely not trying to compete with them, but I think it is healthy to make sure that you matter in a relationship and to reflect on how you matter vis-a-vis other priorities in your partner's life. Trust me, I really do get how much his kids need him, and how important he is in their lives. But I dont think it means it trumps and invalidates that person's relationship with everyone else in their life EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

Thanks again for all your thoughts - I appreciate it. Especially Bpb2017 and preraph.

 

Lots of issues though with this (bolded). If that is your position, which leads me to believe that you feel a bit taken for granted and not "courted" enough, then why go over there? In a way, you are letting him jerk you around a bit since you feel the way you do about the issues involved tonight. In one way, he's living his reality and inviting you along here and there but seemingly not putting a ton of effort in when it's just about you. Now I totally understand what his responsibilities are and why he must be super busy and overwhelmed and at the same time I understand why you would feel a little bleh about this second hand offer for an underwhelming dinner at home that he yanked away from you and now is offering back... BUT if you accept it, you are doing this to yourself as well. Idk, i think you have some stuff to examine. His life is what his life is AND it doesn't give him permission to take you for granted--unless you've let that become the pattern and are accepting of it.

[Versacehottie]

Does he cancel on you a lot, or is this a one off thing and he usually is good about accommodating you?

 

This isn't the fight you want to have unless you are ready to end it now because that's what most likely is going to happen if you try to flex on him about him putting you before his children.

 

If this happens a lot, then perhaps your relationship isn't what you think it is for him.

 

I agree. I think he lets her in where it's convenient to him (he's probably overwhelmed & extremely busy as a single parent) and does not effort much beyond that. This is probably why (my guess) why tonight has bothered her so much. Symptom of the bigger issue. If he does not or cannot make a level of effort that you feel is appropriate of bf you'd let into your life then maybe you are at a crossroads. And some people are lazy when the cross paths with someone that will accept the "less" that they give.

 

*Not throwing shade on the fact that he's a single parent who sounds like a good dad--but people do it all the time--either don't date because they don't have enough true time and energy to devote to the gf or give legitimate good effort (which not sure we have enough info about--I wouldn't be that impressed with a guy who at one year anniversary offered just a home dinner, which he then wasn't going to do and then offered back--between the lines that feels a little insensitive of him & that he falls back on the dad excuse a lot & i'm guessing this is what they do every saturday night so he's not putting much effort in anyway). Just my guess. I hope I am wrong.

[georgiagirlie]

Thanks again guys.

 

No, he doesn't cancel on me that much, but yes of course he has cancelled. In general when we make plans he sticks to them, but there have been two occasions where we have planned to go away on a trip and he has cancelled both of those.

 

1. We planned to go away last March somewhere hot, and then this other trip came up for him to go skiing with his brother and a friend, he did that instead. He did invite me to go with him, sincerely, but I was annoyed bc we had been planning to go somewhere hot and I dont really ski. So I told him at the time I was annoyed, and I let him know. He was apologetic and said lets plan smth in for August, and then when time came to plan for August, we were idly kind planning, but then I found out from his friend that he was simultaneously also planning to go to Jamaica for a wedding (friend of his friends wedding...)!

 

He didnt end up going to Jamaica but mostly bc the other friend cancelled on him. And we ended up taking two mini-breaks together.

 

We are now supposedly trying to go away together over christmas but we will see......

 

But in general, no he doesn't cancel. Except these two trips which I found quite rude. I know he doesn't have a lot of spare time or free time without the kids, so I think he just sort of jumps at things when he gets the opportunity, but even so. I did not like that he was even considering Jamaica without me after what happened in March with the skiiing thing.

[georgiagirlie]

Versacehottie - thank you. Yes, he is overstretched, for sure.

 

This is the thing, though, what I am trying to figure out. What is appropriate and normal given that he is overstretched, because I know that is a fact for him.

[SunnySide0418]

This is precisely why I won't date men who don't have kids. They just don't get it. His kids will always trump you and you should not be dating a man with kids because you obviously don't get it.

[georgiagirlie]

Sunnyside - what about all the things I do for his kids though, that help him/them? Help them learn to read, by them special gifts, spend time with them playing with them, answer their questions etc etc etc etc. What about all that? Are my needs just nothing in exchange? I give a lot and just ask for bare minimum I feel, and even bare minimum you are saying I am not entitled to?