My girlfriend

[Naivesalmon]

Hello everyone.I really need some advice with my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 months and my friend of 8 years who has Borderline Personality Disorder.She says that she met a guy who is bipolar and they get along really well because she thinks that he understand her better than others.

 

She is also seeing many other people which I don't pressurize or judge her about and sometimes encourage her to do so because it might be useful for her psychology.I wonder what I could be doing wrong while speaking to her so that she thinks that I don't understand her?I have always been supportive of her for 8 years because I am crazy for her.We have went to same high school where I met her.We attended classes together,studied together although she was more hardworking than I was. I listened to her about all the other boyfriends she had,about her 20+sexual encounters including BDSM,lesbian,other fetishes virtual sex e.t.c.

 

I have always dropped whatever I was doing to meet her whenever she wanted to see me which includes leaving my parents,friends,other plans on the spot and travel to her place which takes 3 hours to go back and forth with lousy public transportation since I don't have my own car.I have always tried to help her while she is doing her chores,daily errands like moving away from her parent's house helped her settle in her new home,going to therapy,basically anything anywhere whenever she wants I would go because I can't list everything I have done since it is a very long list.

 

I have tried to buy her some things she mentioned wanting and did so but she is strict about me spending money for her so she doesn't really accept gifts but I still buy her occasionally and spend money for her while we are out which is perfectly normal. The reason why I am mentioning these is that she isn't really the type of person who likes to be spoiled with expensive gifts neither she is dependant on others helping her with her chores. It's just that she says that she is having paranoid thoughts about me hurting her or secretly trying to convince her to have sex with me or influencing her in a bad way.

 

I never deemed myself worthy enough to be her boyfriend since I believe that she deserves someone better than me not that I am a bad person. But I love her so much that I want her to be with someone who is more successful,clever,rich,kind whatever positive adjective you can think of which I might not have enough. She was the one who kissed me first and wanted to have sex which I would have never dared to start so I had to choose between rejecting her which would have hurt her feelings or accepting her which I did ended up having her having paranoid thoughts about me.

 

Since I loved her for 8 years I never really tried to gain sexual experience with other people because that would have make me feel bad about myself and she is way more experienced than I am, we didn't really have successful sexual encounters which we did for a very limited amount of times.(she wouldn't accept other ways of me pleasing her if you know what I mean)

I am very concerned since she is depressed most of the time, cutting herself with razor blades, abusing alcohol,cigarette and drugs.

 

She is recently on antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs because her therapist prescribed her. She is also losing weight,not paying attention to her nutrition. She is saying that she really likes attention which is part of the reason why she is doing these. Recently I only get to see her once-twice a week for about 2 hours afterwards she says that she has to meet some other guy and has to go and I have to go back to home which is really sad because the only 2 hours we spend isn't really personal time, we are running errands for her or talking about her relationships e.t.c so it is not really a personal time where we spend talking about us.

 

I need to share this because I can't handle the stress and sadness of going through all of this by myself. I can't stop thinking about her since she is very special and dear to me. I can't live with myself knowing that I could have done more to help her feel healthy and happy again instead of the way she feels now.

 

So I need all the useful tips,comments,advices I can get. Thank you if you have read this far.

Edited September 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

There is nothing you can do and if I were you I would get away before she draged me down in her spiral.

 

You are not her savior, or her therapist, or her shrink and as a regular joe-blow you are not equiped to help her in any way.

 

She is wreck and has nothing to give to anyone not even you.

 

Untill she get a grab on herself, get to a rehab, get needed mental care, the only thing you can do is cut your ties.

[doyathinkso]

O M G !

 

She has Borderline Personality Disorder???

 

 

RUN!!

 

Run like your ass is on fire.

[Downtown]

I have always tried to help her while she is doing her chores... I can't list everything I have done since it is a very long list.

Naive, welcome to the LoveShack forum. If your GF is a BPDer, it is impossible to build up a lasting sense of appreciation on which you can later draw during the hard times. The reason is that a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old.

 

This means that, whenever you make sacrifices for her, any appreciation she feels will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind. Hence, trying to build up a store of good will or lasting appreciation would be as foolish as trying to build a lasting sandcastle on a beach beside the sea.

 

I wonder what I could be doing wrong while speaking to her so that she thinks that I don't understand her?

It is far more likely that she is misunderstanding you. If she is a BPDer, she is unable to regulate her own emotions. The result is that she will frequently experience feelings so intense that they distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. Hence, she likely will make outrageous accusations -- and will be absolutely convinced they are true while she is making these claims. As noted earlier, a BPDer's intense feelings color and distort her perception of your intentions.

 

I can't handle the stress and sadness of going through all of this by myself.

I'm sorry to say that it will continue to get worse as long as you try to be a very close friend with this young lady. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.