Joy77 Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Hello, I am in desperate need of advice. Our History - My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. He is 31 and I am 28. The first year was great, we were so in love with each other, but within the past year there has been alot of fighting. Just recently it has gotten to the point where I don't even know how to talk to him. We fight every weekend and the fight we had this weekend led me to try to seek some help. You see, he is very insecure. He thinks that he is too skinny (which he isn't). He is 6' and about 170 pounds. He goes to the gym regularly so has a nice medium build. He is also insecure with girls.. In his first real relationship he had that lasted 5 years, his ex-girlfriend cheated on him numerous times. OK now to make the situation a little more confusing, I have actually known him for almost 6 years. I met him two months before I moved California six years ago and I ended up meeting someone else. When I moved back 4 years later we were back together but I am still reminded that I did something very wrong to him. I am not allowed to go to bars with my single girlfriends because he is so paranoid that I will drink too much and cheat on him. He always asks me if thats what I want to go to bars and talk to guys but at the same time He will say he dosent care if I go but when i do we end up fighting for days about it and I never hear the end of it. So I don't go out with the single ones only the ones who are married or I will only go out with him, which I am actually OK with. To go back to our fighting, we fight over things like my watching Brad Pitt on TV, and I get teased by him and it annoys me but I know its because he is insecure. We fight over things like if I ask him something that I don't know an answer too and he does and tells me, Ill say are you sure? Im going to look into it. I am a very inquisitive person and therefore I am always look into things so I know if they are true or now. I would question Einstein if he were still alive. He gets defensive and tells me that I am disrespecting him and that I don't trust anything he says... This particular argument actually happened today...He is starting his own HVAC business and I happen to work for a general contractor. We went out to breakfast and were looking at some business cards as we waiting for a table. I saw a license number on a plumbing card and asked him if he needed to be licensed. He said no and I said are you sure? I can find out at work if our HVAC company is and he got really really mad at me. A few minutes later after being seated, I tried to put the argument in the past by making jokes and being sweet. He was still mad so asked him why and he said because I disrespected him yet again by not believing anything he says... So at that point I said, its not like I said you were skinny, why are you getting defensive with me over this... We didn't say a word after that to each other. While leaving I tried another way to get over the argument by saying if you stop talking about this argument then I will too and well have a great weekend together... He said DON'T THREATEN ME! I walked home from breakfast alone and didn't get in his car at that point. He grew up without a father and he has been pretty much still living his mom for the last 5 years to help her with the her mortgage (even though he has 4 brothers and sisters).. To make matters even worse, we are now buying a house togher and should be closing within the next few weeks. I want this more than anything and I still love him more than anything but the fighting and this suicide thing is freaking me out. I know we could be happy but he wont listen to me when I propose couples counseling but he gets very very defensive, (even thought I think he needs to see a counselor on his own. I do too, but I don't get mad over sill things). He is negative about everything and everyone and has a very bad temper. He gets mad at everything. He will ignore me for days at a time when he gets mad over silly things. I am alone once again on a Saturday night and looking for help. I hope I explained the situation well enough to be understood where I am coming from. I am sad, lonely and scared but still in love with this person. Help, Joy77
Jayhawks Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 He definitely needs to seek a counselor. His problems stem from his insecurity and lack of self esteem. Your inputs with suggestions only makes him feel more like a failure. I don't think you can change him by yourself so you really need to get him to see his issues. Your arguments revolve around his lack of trust in you and himself. This is because of his past and has nothing to do with your behavior. You love him and I would try to stick it out if you can because if you and get him to counseling and he can see what it is that makes him not trust people then you can probably have a happy relationship. Good luck.
flowergirl Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Damn, that's quite a story! Your boyfriend does need counseling, because his low self-esteem and insecurity is causing what can only be called abusive behavior. I'm really not sure it's a good idea to buy a house and have a life with someone like this, so if you can possibly get away from this until he proves he's better, then you need to, because otherwise you'll ahave a lifetime of torment ahead of you.
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